luckynumber

I'm just really lonely without you. You're my best friend and my best buddy. I talk to you all the time! We're always together. I'm alone now and it hurts. I wish I could talk to you about it. You are always good at listening and you always have a hug. I miss your presence. You are like a right arm suddenly gone, leaving me with phantom limb syndrome. I think that at any second you'll call or that in an hour I'll go to see you and sleep in your bed. In your bed and against your body, even when I have to shift around to get comfortable. I even miss the bad things, like trying to eke out conversations and navigating awkward social interactions. I miss them because they, like the rest of you, have been such a HUGE part of my life. They're gone too, and instead of pleasure all I feel right now is a gaping hole where you were. I'm trying not to exaggerate. It's less awful than it was the first time we broke up, and less awful than it was a month ago when I tried again. Still, two years is a lot to come to terms with. Two whole years, love. Two years. I wish you were right!!!!!! Damn! Why aren't you!!?! F***, I wish you were right for me. I wish I could be in love with you. I wish I could be happy with you. This is so terrible. If only we could still be friends. If only we could still talk and hang out all the time. If only we were brother and sister. If only we weren't attracted to each other. If only we could be together and not feel these things!!! F***! But that will never happen. Too much of what we have is attraction, and closeness. I could never stand to be with you and not be close to you. I could never bear to stay at arm's length and pretend that I don't care. I want that closeness more than anything. But we did the right thing. I chose happiness over contentment, even if it means sadness right now. I want that closeness again, although it won't be with you. The thing that sucks, though, is that the trust and loyalty I had with you took over a year to develop, which means it will be a long time before I can have it again. That's IF I can even find someone to try it with. And if I'm not careful, I might have to go through another breakup all over again! I hate this! I hate it so much! Who knows. Maybe this is worse because I've never dated anyone else before. My sister tells me it's stupid to be afraid, because I'm 19 and in college and have my whole future ahead of me. Even so, I've never felt less confident in my life. PS. I've tried the 'just friends' thing twice now and twice we've just ended up back together with nothing any better. This is the first NC I've seriously attempted, and it is killing me. Longest we've gone without contact in the past is about two days. Period.