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putter

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About putter

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  1. I have always believed I am not good enough for my partner: writing in my diary today made me realize I am such a piece of . It's bad enough that I am extremely dumb and ugly and suffer from anxiety. Now he knows I am a too, after the way I snapped at him a few days ago. Why can't I just die? Who will miss me anyway? I am a fat slob whom no one will love. He is the one person who truly loved me, now I have pushed him away too. No one will ever love me again. I am better off dead so that I do not punish anyone.
  2. Sorry it came across that way, but I didn't refrain from messaging him to punish him. Only because I was a little upset and needed to cool off. He apparently wanted to give me space too. But will certainly use this principle in the future. Thanks a lot.
  3. At the moment, that's what I thought. He was being himself by joking around, my most natural response was to be miffed. Honestly, this did not seem be such a serious conflict at the time that would warrant this sort of a response. I guess I need to learn conflict resolution better. I have typically been way more submissive in past conflicts with other people, but have been learning to stand up for myself more often. Maybe this rubbed off on me too much? I do not know. I have overthought this to the point where my head is starting to ache.
  4. Thanks for your comments, you might be right. 1. and 2. As I mentioned in other comments, I am a lot more direct typically and if I do not like something he is saying to me, I am upfront about it. At the same time, I am typically a lot more playful and laid-back when he is joking around. Honestly, he can get carried away with the ribbing often, but I let it slide because I hate turning everything into a conflict. This day was just a bad day. 3. I have been trying to work on these things people joke about. Especially the getting up late and the deal with the phone. Most times, I know th
  5. Hi Rose, thank you for your comments. We both live far apart because we had both settled into our careers when we began dating, but we knew each other platonically from high school. We are both trying to move in together, looking for jobs in locations favorable for both of us. I agree with what you are saying. I have bad anxiety, something which he is aware of and something I am working working on. Especially when my actions hurt someone, I tend to worry A LOT. I understand this is not good for the relationship. I am trying to teach myself to be better. Also, I realize how disrespectful t
  6. No, I do not make a habit of complaining, and I do not see why you got that impression. And I typically take jokes in good spirit and can laugh at myself to an extent. But this time, I had told him at the beginning of the call how I was feeling a little low. When he feels low, I do not engage in any ribbing either, so it's not like I am expecting something from him that I do not practice myself. Even otherwise, I have never reacted this way in the past. I don't bring it up any more. I recognize that even if the change does happen, it's on me. It's just a bitter pill to swallow and that one
  7. I agree with you, I need to exercise better patience. Trust me, I am typically a lot more patient and try to be more calm than I was in this situation. He does joke around often and I playfully go along with it. This time, I was in a genuinely low mood. My approach is always be gentle with someone who is in a fragile state of mind, and not bring them down with jokes at their expense. I kind of expected that my partner would think the same: maybe I should have been more direct.
  8. That's what I am hoping for. I don't want him to change the essence of who he is, the person I fell in love with, and I feel awful it was triggered by me. Like I said, I had an off-moment and I was short with him. I knew I should have been more self-aware and stopped being so awful, but in the moment I was could not get over the fact he was making light of everything I was telling him. I apologized to him repeatedly yesterday. He still feels very different from his previous self. Maybe I am panicking, but I just want someone to talk to, and I do not want to tell someone whom we know in commo
  9. I didn't ask him to change his personality at all. He has made this choice apparently, after some self-reflection.
  10. I have been going through a motivational slump off-late, and it hit me a few days ago when I saw how I had wasted the weekend. I text my Mom to share this with her, and my Dad chimes in and gives me a long sermon about what would help my mental woes. While it was all good, healthy stuff he was telling me, I was really not in the head space to listen to any of it and I was kind of worn out by the call. I video call my fiance and joke about how Dads are always the ones to give us the "Dad talk" when we go to them with problems. His Dad is kind of similar, and we share a couple of jokes. My fi
  11. putter

    I need help

    No I am not on medication. Thanks for your replies everyone It's more of genes, and I'm one of those "heavy" people if you know what I mean. It usually doesn't trouble me since I'm not obsessed with looks, but when I feel like being some clothes there's this feeling inside that keeps pulling at me. It's like I compromise on being happy because I feel "I don;t deserve to eat" or "I don't deserve to look good", I do this a lot and you know where that can lead. I sorted out things with my parents, and it's okay, but when I'm in a crowd I can't help feeling that people look at me like a bug. My
  12. putter

    I need help

    I am a 20 year old girl and all my life I've faced an incredibly low self esteem. I have to work twice as hard to get something I want but I end up falling on the same line or even behind people who haven't worked as much as I did. I've nourished big dreams and worked and honed my brains for them but didn't succeed. My father and teachers told me that I am an intelligent person, but I don't believe them, because why would I never get what I worked for? Now I'm into my final year of engineering and as much as I wanted to come first in my class, I'm almost the 20th in a class of 60. I used to th
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