MusicMama

You said you were "sorry". What are you sorry for? You obviously aren't sorry you left or you wouldn't have or would have come back. So you aren't sorry for that. The last 6 months of my life have been a * * * * ing nightmare. You drifting slowly but steadily away from me, never having sex, feeling ugly and unwanted. Me trying with all I have while I watch you basically give up. But you wouldn't break up, oh no, string it out a while, then have an emotional affair, then deny the severity of what you've done. Then you finally admit what a horrible thing it was and instead of trying to fix things or make it up to me in any way, you run away because YOU are exhausted. I have all these new bills to get used to on a single income, kid to take care of, trying to make more money in an economy that has almost no jobs available. You chose to leave me and go live on your own in your perfectly clean little house. You HAD to have "nice" place with a garage and new construction and all that * * * * . You HAD to have a washer and dryer. You told me it was just a break but you broke it off pretty * * * * ing quick once you had all your stuff in your new place. You knew you probably weren't coming back. I saw the writing on the wall WAY back when you first talked about moving out. I KNEW if you moved it wouldn't be temporary, that it would done and said so. You denied that up and down, yet that's exactly what you did. You ran away from all your troubles and problems. You aren't facing them, * * * * that. You are just going back to your nice little place, all on your own, where you don't have to face ME and everything you did. Where you can control everything, have no chaos, noise, mess, children, or sad eyed Girlfriends that you know you screwed over, looking at you. You are pushing it all under the rug. A man faces his problems head on and doesn't lie to himself or those he loves, a boy makes up excuses and covers * * * * up and runs away. Grow Up. You have all kinds of excuses for why you "fell out of love" or "unconsciously sabotaged" our relationship, but you are TOO IMMATURE to actually DO anything about any of it. You feel guilty and bad because you know you * * * * ed up and you are still * * * * ing up by the way you have handled everything. You tried to make yourself feel better for giving up and ditching me by giving me the old truck and giving me a little money here and there when you were moving out. By promising to "help if you can". Sorry doesn't mean * * * * when you won't DO anything about it. Sometimes it's too late for "Sorry". I'm sure you feel a bit guilty, maybe, that you know I'm in a tough position since you ran out on your promises and responsibilities, but then again, that's probably why you never want to get married, so that "technically" you can leave when ever you want. Same thing with never having kids. No ties, no responsibilities for anything but yourself. Makes it easier to run away, doesn't it? T isn't YOUR kid, so he's not YOUR problem, is he? You couldn't be honest with me about your secret "relationship/friendship" with my cousin, you couldn't be honest with me about where your head was really at when I asked repeatedly if you wanted to be done over the last 6 months. Over and over you told me you loved me and wanted to stay with me and try to work things out, but then you would sit around and do almost nothing. I remember practically BEGGING you to go out with me, dinner, band, something. You'd always say no, we don't have the money, or you weren't in the mood. But ONE week after breaking up with me you are going out making * * * * ing SNOW ANGELS and spinning on a stripper pole with girls you work with, one of whom has marriage problems. DON'T LIE TO ME ANY MORE. If you are just done, be done, tell me you don't love me. You should have ended it a long * * * * ing time ago if you couldn't and wouldn't step up and do anything to save us. You just dragged it all out and made me feel * * * * ing STUPID for how hard I tried, for all I forgave. I'm like the dumb * * * * * who kept getting smacked down with your hurt and neglect and lies, but I kept forgiving you and coming back. Then you leave anyways. What a stupid * * * * * I must be for having stuck around so long and tried so hard. What was the point? How can I NOT feel like the last 6 months was a waste of my time? Sure didn't get me anywhere. You are just as much the reason I'm screwed without a car as my G is. We never bothered to keep up on the Avenger or replace it because it wasn't a "priority" and we only used it as a back up car. Even when I'd mention all the * * * * starting to go wrong with it, you just blew it off, wasn't your problem even back then, I guess. YOU didn't have to drive it. Yes, G is at fault for taking forever with this damn Buick I've been supposed to get for over 2 months, but I wouldn't NEED a new car so badly if you hadn't left, or at least had helped me fix up the car more when * * * * started going wrong with it a long time ago. You broke promises in this too, promising you wouldn't move until I had a new car, but you still left. And I still don't have a good car. In some ways, it's not your problem anymore. You succeeded. You didn't marry me so officially, none of my problems have anything to do with you. I'm doing my damndest to take care of myself and Tristan and make more money and save money in other places. I WILL survive. But this transition is a * * * * * and it is largely because of you. And the worst part is, I still * * * * ing love you. How stupid am I? I miss you and want to talk to you and sleep next to you. But it's all pointless. You ran away and aren't coming back. You aren't enough of a man to do that. I guess 4 1/2 years doesn't mean * * * * to you, and neither does your word.