Liraele

I wanted to contact you today, but I didn't. I know it's best that I don't, and for once I listened to my brain. I feel like I had a major setback today, but I don't know why. I wish someone could invent an off switch for my brain...I need some peace.

I call this "ostriching" like you see in the old cartoons, with the ostrich that sticks it's head in a hole? It helps to think of that every time I think of my ex... because it makes me laugh, instead of crying. (I tried to find a clip, but couldn't... so hopefully the explanation is enough. ) **** This is what I wanted to say yesterday. I’m alone with the silence, and that’s when it’s hardest. I’m worried about being alone tomorrow night, worried that I’ll meltdown because I don’t have enough to keep my mind occupied. I also know, though, that I can’t hide myself away with someone else…I have to be able to stand against the pain alone, lest I wreck a good thing by using it as a crutch. I’m ready for the days where my mind shifts to something else besides you, where all that time you’ve occupied in my mind is filled by something more worthwhile, more real, more present. I realized today that you very likely have a narcissistic disorder…I wanted to tell you, to tell you to go talk to someone, but I didn’t. In your mind the problem is never you, and even the kindest voice of reason could not get you to look at your flaws head on and work on them. I wonder if someone will come along that can handle the way you are…and you’ll finally be happy. I can’t imagine what it must be like…to treat someone so callously, to just cast aside someone you love. I needed you, but because it wasn’t convienient for you to be there for me, to help me through the mess you made…you shoved me away and intentionally caused me more pain. It’s always about what Josh wants. I hope you have someone who is ok with that. I needed someone more like me…someone less selfish than you. It is like grinding up the pieces now…nothing but dust and a dull ache where the searing pain used to be.

You're a coward. I actually said that to you, but you blew it off and then continued to bury your head in the sand. I'm better off for your foolishness, but I still hate to see someone refuse to grow up and exact change in their life. No wonder Katie left you without a word. I can see why, now.

By the time you pull your head out of the sand, you will have missed another beautiful opportunity. You are 31 years old, and responsible for your life, your choices, and what you do with what you're given. It makes me sad that you push away everything good, and when things get rough, I think you'll always seek validation elsewhere. I wish I could help you grow into the person you have the potential to be, but that's not my job anymore. You have a past habit of choosing ones that will destroy you rather than build you up... maybe that's why when I tried, you never saw it. Never cared. I don't know. I don't even feel anymore... anything except sadness that I couldn't help you more, and eventually that too will fade, I'm sure.

Pretty much this. Good days and bad days. Today happens to be a bad one.

I hope you are well, but I don't want to talk to you. For the first time since the breakup, that's an honest-to-god truth. This is just like writing letters in the sand now, nothing more.

Day 2.5 - making it to 5 will make it 3 full days of no contact... the longest we have ever gone. It's really hard to hold in there, but I'm going to do it anyway. It's time.

I wish I could hate you.

I'm tired of checking my phone constantly hoping to see something from you. I'm always disappointed, and I know it's not going to come any time soon. You know what? By the time it finally does, chances are very good it will be too late. The hardest thing to deal with is seeing the ghosts of what "should have been" in my home, with the girls, on a beautiful Autumn day. The possibilities, what SHOULD have been, are what hurt the most. You wrecked it initially, and I have to keep reminding myself that had the promises been as important to you, they would have been kept. I work hard every day not to be bitter about it... some days I succeed, some days I fail.

Restarted NIC. Explained Friday why I needed to not initiate contact... he claims to want to get back to things eventually, but I'm not sure I believe it. Hearing "I need air, time to not deal with the emotional upheaval, time to breathe." is one thing, but when you absolutely refuse to attempt to make a stab at maintaining a connection - saying good night or good morning each day at least, and that's all... it comes accross as more "I want you waiting on the sideline while I work on things with a new girl... once I'm sure things will work out here, I'll set you free, maybe. THEN you can start to heal." Well, I'll be damned if I'm that girl. So I'm going to work on healing and moving on. If he comes back, great...if not, it's his loss, but I won't be starting the grieving and healing process then. So, as of Friday @ 5... NC.

Starting tomorrow, officially day one. (Or maybe 4 hours ago, when I actually made this decision and realized how messed up things really are with trying to talk and be civil right now?) We'll see. I WANT this, but if he contacts me, I don't know that I'll be able to ignore it, I'll tell myself I can, I can, I can... then I'll dwell. I just want to heal. Maybe some time will improve things between us... maybe it will just allow me to heal. Either option is ok, but something has to give. I don't want it to be my sanity! BU: August 1, 2011.

If the world were fair, you'd be missing me and struggling as much as I am. For that, I want to hate you... but I can't.