PhotoWoman

Whoops. that was meant to be in response to soemthing else...apparently I can't delete or edit my last post

Thanks for the levity.

And those nice nostalgic thhiings frrom your dad, they're okay. I didn't mean to say they're bad. Just misleading. Horribly, horribly misleading. You portray this image that you are so caring. Telling cute stories about how you loved Robin Hood and you like sustainability, and how humanitarian you are. Those are the things that I loved about you. LOVED. But now they make me mad because it seems like a lie when you do the things that you do to me. Sometimes I wish our friends would stick up for me and tell you what an ass hole you are being. I would not ask them to do that. It's so dramatic. But you know what? It would probably work. You are so concerned with what people think sometimes. I just suspect that if they confronted you, especially Forrest, you would at least feel remorse. Maybe guilt. Who knows. You probably wouldn't say anything to me in the way of an apology, but perhaps you'd learn a lesson in manners and feelings and common courtesy and self control. You may feel attracted to me still, but it is no reason to lie your way back into my bed and my heart. DISHONEST

I have sent you four text messages today and a voicemail. Messages dripping with the most pathetically chosen diction. I know you're mad at me for dancing with my guy friend, but you aren't my boyfriend anymore! What did you expect? The way we were dancing would not even have been offensive to my husband if I were married. Innocent and fun. Anyways, I swear you were just trying to find an excuse to be mad. You have told me everytime I asked you "do you ever feel jealous of anyone I spend time with?" You have said "no" every single time. How would I know that after we broke up your possessive streak would kick in? We were having a fun night, and at times I think that I'd like to take that dancing back because it didn't mean enough to me to fight with you about. But then again, I didn't do anything wrong!!!! You come over here and sleep with me and tell me you love me, but then you stare straight into my face and say "I don't care if we end up together agagin" because I danced with someone? You must be mad at me for something more...something else that you haven't admitted to me, and possibly haven't admitted to yourself. I make excuses for you all the time that you have trouble expressing your emotions, "you're a guy and a guy who is bad with emotions with everyone in your life." But you know what? You don't treat anyone else in your life as poorly as you treat me. And I know that if someone was doing what you are doing to me, to one of your friends, you would be so pissed! Why have I allowed you to use me? To lie to me? Because you cannot love somebody and leave them if it was an honest love you felt in your heart. How can you come here and have sex with me and not talk to me for two days? And then suddenly when we do talk you tell me you are mad at me? The morning that you left you kissed me goodbye and said I love you....what happened? You say that you had time to think about our night together and now you've changed your mind. You're not happy we reconnected....maybe it's because it was a bootycall. I never wanted to be that girl. I didn't know you would make love to me and not talk to me after and spring an "actually, i'm mad at you" on me. I never would have let you sleep in my bed. You never will sleep in my bed either unless you screw your head on straight. Unless you realize how good you could have had it with me. I bent over backwards for you. Bent to your will. You told me you didn't like objects that are pointless in our house....what a joyless existence. Excuse me, not pointless, but don't have a logical function. The only things you hung on the walls were artwork from your father, photos from your sailing trips with that girl you knew was in love with you. WHY cant you understand how that makes me feel? You don't even want to have thanksgiving with me but you can go sailing with a girl who is in love with you and her family? You would say to me right now "why do you always have to hear what i say and find the worst possible motivation or meaning behind it?" You know why i do that? Because you do selfish things. You do things even when you know they are going to make me mad. Things that are not going to change your life forever. And i'm not interested in ending your friendships with girls that I am jealous of, but I am in need of reassurance from her and most of all from YOU that these friendships with ex girlfriends don't mean anything like that to you. Whatever, it is not even about the girls. It's about me not feeling confident enough to know that you wouldn't do anything wrong. But I don't trust you. I am sorry. TRUST IS EARNED, NOT GIVEN. Perhaps that is a callous or cynical way to view things, but you never earned it. You never even tried. The first time you received cookies in the mail from your exgirlfriend you lied to me and said you didn't know where they came from. WHY? That was sooo long ago. There was no stygma surrounding her until you created it in THAT moment. Your behavior made me suspect that there was something of a threat in those cookies. Perhaps they were accompanied by a love letter? who knows. whatever. I don't need to be a part of all of your friendships with your exgirlfriends/exlovers, but I deserve the truth and honesty. In all matters. Look at the egotistical rant all of this emotion has put me in. How lame. You probably won't even write me back or call me today. Or pay me the five hundred dollars of over 1,000 that you owe me. You'll probably never apologize for squeezing my arms too hard and hurting me. Or for calling me a * * * * ing * * * * * out of nowehre. I just hope you realize one day the effort I put in. How hard I tried. Please don't remember my effort as pathetic. Please. I know I deserve better, but I suppose I thought you could be better to me. How foolish. You've got a lot of growing to do. So do I. I look forward to becoming a badass woman all on my own. I can't let my pain keep drawing me back to you because you don't know how to heal me. I can't expect apologies or romantic confessions of love and stupidity. I feel stupid now. For writing this much about you. But it is helping I think. And I have so much homework to do. Sometimes I think that you have ruined my summer. Ruined my motivation for summer homework, which is due SO SOON. But I have felt so much love from my friends and family since we broke up. More love than you ever gave me the two years that we were together. Love that doesn't judge. Love that supports and heals and moves me physically to a warmer, happier, smilier woman. I want to be that woman again. I miss being the most positive thinker my friends know. I will be her again.

@DailyDreamer - I have never posted on this site before, yours is the first I have ever read and it says almost everything I wanted to say to my ex. I am sorry they have made you feel this way. I too often blame myself for letting the manipulation and pain continue, but maybe we should make it up to ourselves and cut off that dead weight.