Jump to content

adrian83

Bronze Member
  • Posts

    154
  • Joined

adrian83's Achievements

Enthusiast

Enthusiast (6/14)

  • First Post
  • Collaborator
  • Conversation Starter
  • Week One Done
  • One Month Later

Recent Badges

7

Reputation

  1. Actually, i have to disagree on that one. It is practically impossible to spot the beginning of a long lasting healthy relationship as people change over time. I have had a few long term relationships where i thought they were long lasting relationships but ultimately failed. It's not that i cannot find someone better nor that i am settling for anything. I just feel sometimes love is a choice and that noone is perfect.
  2. I dont think incompatibility is the issue as we both have common interests. But you're right, i am feeling resentful whenever those comments are made.
  3. Will see how it goes for now, thank you for your insights.
  4. Yes and you are mostly right except the definition of "control" does fit what i was trying to say earlier. I guess different people may interpret control differently. If i tell her that i am unhappy about her comments, it means i am telling her to change her attitude and not to make those comments. This is a sign of control is it not? So if she doesnt change, i walk away = influence her decision to not make those comments. If she changes, then she is supressing her real feelings = control.
  5. Delivery indeed is key. I am not at "my wit's end" as such. Just venting for now and seeking some input from other people in similar situations. And yes, telling me how to raise my child is defs a big no no. She hasnt done so yet (well not directly) and if she does, i most definitely will call her out on it.
  6. I believe everyone has flaws, even myself. Noone is perfect. It's whether the pros outweigh the cons i guess.
  7. Yes you are absolutely right that i should talk to her about how i feel which i would have done and have done in my previous relationships. However, from my past relationships and what i've learnt is that talking to her about how i feel is an attempt to control dont you agree? Basically it means okay i dont like you commenting on these topics as it makes me unhappy so she HAS to stop which means she has to stop being her "judgemental" self. One thing ive also learnt is that you cant change a certain trait/behaviour of a person unless that person changes him/herself no matter what you do. For me supressing someone's true self is a form of control which inevitably result in resentment as well. Hopefully she understands when i talk to her about it one day.
  8. Hi to all you fine people with many great insights and advice. Ive been lurking on these forums (and loveshack) for nearly 7 years now. Ok so i've been single for almost a year since my last relationship (together for 1.3 years but i ended it as she was a total disaster and not what i wanted). Since then, i've met my current girlfriend through a friend of mine(oct/nov 2020) and have been hanging out since (in groups). I''ll try to make this short. Forgive me if it is way too long. Me 38(M),one child. She (29)F no children. First time we met, we were kinda drunk and kissed but did not go further than that. I then basically did not want a relationship with her as i was not all that attracted to her and just wanted to be friends. We hung out in groups, sometimes just me and her going on hikes/lunch etc but nothing romantic as such. So friends it was up until a month and half ago where we slept together and decided to get into a relationship. Main reason for this was that i liked her strong/independent personality. Then obviously with that came attraction, i admit i am more attracted to her now than i was before. However, i am not so sure if she loves me (although she always says she does) or rather, that she loves the idea of me as i have a pretty good job in the legal field, i come from a decent family background (doctors & lawyers) and would be considered "well-off", i look good for my age and well-educated. Recently i have been having doubts and it feels like she's with me because of these qualities rather than liking me for who i am. Like, she would probably not like me if i did not have the above qualities and I do understand women her age are attracted to financial securities (e.g. what the man can provide). I know i said above that i liked her strong/independent personality. However, i feel that she is a bit controlling. I mean if shes a little controlling now, wouldnt it be worse in time? For instance, we were having dinner with one of my best friends (first time she's met him and his wife & two young children) last weekend. My friend made a comment that he's proud of me that i have recently stopped smoking. She then comments to say "oh yea, he should, if he didnt, i wouldnt be with him". This wasnt a joke as she had said it before. Another example was that previously she mentioned (again at dinner in front of mutual friends/group) that i did not know how to use chopsticks properly. She says "oh if my mother saw you holding these chopsticks the way you do now, she would cringe". Then she said it last weekend again in front of my friends at dinner about the chopsticks. Then we went for a movie the next day. While at dinner she said, "can you not check your phone when watching a movie because its bright and it annoys me" (i only checked it once or twice max). I responded by saying but not angrily "i think i should be able to do what i want"(i think im resenting her for being like this already and the issue below about my son!!!) with her response being "okay next time i wont go to watch a movie with you then". I mean these are pretty petty stuff to take issue with dont you think?. Not once have i commented on her behaviour or way she drives (etc) or let alone try to pick a argument with her. I mean im the kind of guy who does not likes drama or arguments and am pretty chilled 99% of the time. the big issue for me. I have a 14 yr old from a previous previous previous relationship. Anyway, she knew about him since we became friends. So about 3 weeks ago, she drove my son (me in the car) to volleyball practise. My son (a shy, timid, softly spoken guy) said "thank you" very quietly as he was exiting the car. She then commented by saying (after my son had left) "you know i find that pretty rude. My family would find that rude. We are taught to say thank you loudly to show appreciation". I was quite unhappy with her comments but i did not say much. Instead i tried to talk to her indirectly to make her understand that every family is different and have different upbringings. The second issue is that i spent a night at her apartment last weekend and came home on Sunday (i live with my parents for now). It was around 12.30pm and my son was still in bed (it was a long weekend with no school the next day). She said "OMG, what? he's still sleeping? Not acceptable. Okay im not going say anything about it" and drops the topic. For me, it felt like she's trying to say im a bad parent and that my parenting skills are bad. I mean im thinking, my son does well at school, does his sports and is a good boy 99% of the time" and i think i've done a great job. Whereas you, on the other hand, do not have a child and commenting on my son or my parenting skills have no credibility at all. It is kinda ironic given that her own brother does not even respond to her text messages (been like 4 months LOL). I guess for now, she is not going on about the above issues as our relationship has just started but i feel that once we move on to the next level in our relationship, she will want be the dominant and controlling one. I absolutely despise that. I have had my fair share of toxic relationships and quite frankly, i do not want to continue this trend. The main reason why i did not call her out on her comments is because i feel that we should like/love each other for WHO we are not WHAT we want you to be. To call her out on these issues would mean "Changing" her and if i am "changing" her, it would mean im trying to control her which is the last thing i want to do. I know you might say maybe talk to her nicely and communicate these issues to her is the appropriate way to go but by doing this, i feel it is trying to control and change a person (even if it is relayed nicely). Apart from the above though, i do enjoy time with her (without all those comments) but the feeling of resentment is something i seriously have to consider. Thoughts anyone?
  9. yup.. i have this feeling as well because i heard she was still talking to this online bf. oh wells. Tough. Time to move on.
  10. friendzone? i dont think a friend would drive a good 30-40 mins everyday jz to see you.. she has said she misses me and acknowledges we are more than just friends but not in an exclusive relationship. But ur right, i tried to push for more and she backed out.
  11. I do agree with you in saying that a relationship should be "going with the flow" and that was what i was aiming for. I never said my relationships had little compatibility but there will always be some incompatibities with your partner as i dont believe every couple are compatible in every single way. The reason why im still looking is because my last ex and I had major personality differences and i chose to put up with her for a while which was a choice. Point is, how do you know if someone is compatible when you first get to know them? Just because someone doesn't like chocolate flavoured icecream or doesn't like exercise like you do doesnt make you both incompatible. On a side note, our personalities are actually compatible. It was just the part about moving slow in the situationship that bothered her i guess.
  12. Well what i find strange was that she would drive everyday to see me. When i set up dates, movies etc, she would always turn up. Even buys me dinner sometimes, offers to pay for gas etc.. Even my sister told me that she was upset about us not talking and told me she was interested in me. So im not sure how it would go from like super interested to nothing at all. I do agree i will have more once im ready to date again, but this really got me into a rutt.
  13. Good point.. but i aint waiting 7 years without intimacy. I mean i could be patient but prob no longer than 6 months after being exclusive.
  14. Well.. i somewhat agree but then againnoone is ever compatible fully to be honest. I've been in a few relationships and each has its own different compatibility. It's whether you want to work through them or not at the end of the day i guess.
×
×
  • Create New...