Hi to all you fine people with many great insights and advice. Ive been lurking on these forums (and loveshack) for nearly 7 years now.
Ok so i've been single for almost a year since my last relationship (together for 1.3 years but i ended it as she was a total disaster and not what i wanted).
Since then, i've met my current girlfriend through a friend of mine(oct/nov 2020) and have been hanging out since (in groups).
I''ll try to make this short. Forgive me if it is way too long. Me 38(M),one child. She (29)F no children. First time we met, we were kinda drunk and kissed but did not go further than that. I then basically did not want a relationship with her as i was not all that attracted to her and just wanted to be friends. We hung out in groups, sometimes just me and her going on hikes/lunch etc but nothing romantic as such. So friends it was up until a month and half ago where we slept together and decided to get into a relationship. Main reason for this was that i liked her strong/independent personality. Then obviously with that came attraction, i admit i am more attracted to her now than i was before.
However, i am not so sure if she loves me (although she always says she does) or rather, that she loves the idea of me as i have a pretty good job in the legal field, i come from a decent family background (doctors & lawyers) and would be considered "well-off", i look good for my age and well-educated. Recently i have been having doubts and it feels like she's with me because of these qualities rather than liking me for who i am. Like, she would probably not like me if i did not have the above qualities and I do understand women her age are attracted to financial securities (e.g. what the man can provide).
I know i said above that i liked her strong/independent personality. However, i feel that she is a bit controlling. I mean if shes a little controlling now, wouldnt it be worse in time? For instance, we were having dinner with one of my best friends (first time she's met him and his wife & two young children) last weekend. My friend made a comment that he's proud of me that i have recently stopped smoking. She then comments to say "oh yea, he should, if he didnt, i wouldnt be with him". This wasnt a joke as she had said it before. Another example was that previously she mentioned (again at dinner in front of mutual friends/group) that i did not know how to use chopsticks properly. She says "oh if my mother saw you holding these chopsticks the way you do now, she would cringe". Then she said it last weekend again in front of my friends at dinner about the chopsticks. Then we went for a movie the next day. While at dinner she said, "can you not check your phone when watching a movie because its bright and it annoys me" (i only checked it once or twice max). I responded by saying but not angrily "i think i should be able to do what i want"(i think im resenting her for being like this already and the issue below about my son!!!) with her response being "okay next time i wont go to watch a movie with you then". I mean these are pretty petty stuff to take issue with dont you think?. Not once have i commented on her behaviour or way she drives (etc) or let alone try to pick a argument with her. I mean im the kind of guy who does not likes drama or arguments and am pretty chilled 99% of the time.
the big issue for me. I have a 14 yr old from a previous previous previous relationship. Anyway, she knew about him since we became friends. So about 3 weeks ago, she drove my son (me in the car) to volleyball practise. My son (a shy, timid, softly spoken guy) said "thank you" very quietly as he was exiting the car. She then commented by saying (after my son had left) "you know i find that pretty rude. My family would find that rude. We are taught to say thank you loudly to show appreciation". I was quite unhappy with her comments but i did not say much. Instead i tried to talk to her indirectly to make her understand that every family is different and have different upbringings. The second issue is that i spent a night at her apartment last weekend and came home on Sunday (i live with my parents for now). It was around 12.30pm and my son was still in bed (it was a long weekend with no school the next day). She said "OMG, what? he's still sleeping? Not acceptable. Okay im not going say anything about it" and drops the topic. For me, it felt like she's trying to say im a bad parent and that my parenting skills are bad. I mean im thinking, my son does well at school, does his sports and is a good boy 99% of the time" and i think i've done a great job. Whereas you, on the other hand, do not have a child and commenting on my son or my parenting skills have no credibility at all. It is kinda ironic given that her own brother does not even respond to her text messages (been like 4 months LOL).
I guess for now, she is not going on about the above issues as our relationship has just started but i feel that once we move on to the next level in our relationship, she will want be the dominant and controlling one. I absolutely despise that. I have had my fair share of toxic relationships and quite frankly, i do not want to continue this trend. The main reason why i did not call her out on her comments is because i feel that we should like/love each other for WHO we are not WHAT we want you to be. To call her out on these issues would mean "Changing" her and if i am "changing" her, it would mean im trying to control her which is the last thing i want to do. I know you might say maybe talk to her nicely and communicate these issues to her is the appropriate way to go but by doing this, i feel it is trying to control and change a person (even if it is relayed nicely).
Apart from the above though, i do enjoy time with her (without all those comments) but the feeling of resentment is something i seriously have to consider.