jdisorder

I miss you so much... Ok we used to fight all the time and I said so many things that i didn't mean. I look back and I can't believe how mean I was. Makes me so sad. I know we weren't good for each other and you have met someone new. I've met someone too. But I still miss our friendship. I miss the jokes we had. After four years of talking every day... not talking at all feels so hard. I hope time will fix things and we can be friends one day.

Thanks for the feedback Rita. I'm technically back to day two again. As I spoke with her via facebook to say I was going to delete her from facebook for a bit. Now two days into it I am still really sad and cry still at odd times, just walking down the street or making a coffee, I start crying.... feel so sorry for a lot of * * * * I created... She was not perfect either... Had a facebook chat with her best friend, who is still a friend of mine too. She said that my ex seemed happy, but that she also missed me a lot. It was nice to hear she missed me, made me stronger, knowing that it wasn't as easy for her as she was making out. I'm not holding out for a change of mind, I'm hoping I heal and move on, I just feel like no one will ever love me the way she did, feels stupid to say, I'm sure I will find someone new... NC seems like an eternity before i will be happy again, day two feels like I have gone nowhere... I hope I can keep going.

day two - wow I broke this NC via fast! I had to sort out my swedish bank account and tell the tax people in sweden that I had moved back to London. Then after a few long phone calls I call her! I just left a message on her voice mail saying I had done this and that she might get a letter from the bank but there was nothing she needed to do if they did. I left it saying 'seeya chat soon', I sounded pretty normal, in a good mood. I'm pretty sure I did sound fine... Sorry i broke it so quick. What do you think?

Day one of no contact! I feel empty and sad... I have hidden my online status from her and hidden posts from timeline, and included her family and friends in this. It hurts to see her so happy and not wanting to see me... I have looked at her facebook page and it made feel awful... I will try to control this.... I am going out and trying to stay busy... I hope the pain becomes less by trying this.... I feel so sad... But i want to move on too... It will be interesting to see what contact i get now I am doing this. She has been in contact quite a lot.