Kali74

Wow, thanks so much for the great replies. Erm.. unfortunately I don't have any updates yet. I haven't sent the e-mail yet. I was going to yesterday, but I kind of chickened out. I was gripped by fear, or stubborness, or pride.. or all three - I'm not sure. All sorts of things are going through my head right now. It's been a long time, he could be married by now for all I know. I don't want to stir up any trouble in a relationship if he is one, I really don't. And I'm still not sure exactly what to say, I started trying to type something up but I can't reallly think of anything that doesn't sound like I'm trying to get back together. I mean, even saying something like "Hi, just wanted to see how you are doing. If you ever want to talk let me know" sounds weird to me, and that's about all I have been able to come up with. Luv_Suks (love the name btw), I've got a powerful fear of rejection right now myself, but I'm trying to remember that the possible benefits exceed the risks. Is it too late for you to send her an e-mail and let her know how you feel? It sounds like you really love her a lot still, and enough time has passed that you have distanced yourself from it to where you could tell her without being too emotional, it is always worth another shot isn't it? I keep telling myself if he had wanted to contact me he could've any time before now. He ended things in a really crappy way, and maybe he is embarrassed now and figures since it was so hard on me it's better off to leave me alone? Heck if I know. Thanks again for all the wonderful words of encouragement, I am going to try to figure out exactly what to say and then try to work up the nerve to send the email, but it may take me a few more days.

Hi again, I hope someone can give me some advice on this. I have decided to go ahead and contact my ex. I've thought about this long and hard, and I'm not going into this expecting a lot. I am going to send him an email and I basically just want to start at hello and see how he is, tell him I'm doing well and either let talking start again from there or leave it there. I'm not sure how to phrase the email, and I really don't want to put enough into it to bring up bad memories or make him upset. I'm not 100% sure what I hope to accomplish with this, but I think life is too short to spend years choking on regret. Maybe he'll never reply, maybe we've both changed so much it wouldn't matter but what's the harm in saying hello, if I am ok with it not going anywhere else? Basically, I don't want to get a reply saying something like I hate you, leave me alone you *beep* If anyone could help me out with the proper wording on an email for an ex that things ended badly with a really long time ago, I could really really use it.

Hi, Thanks for your reply! I've been thinking very hard the last few days, and I have to admit that I am going back and forth on what to do. One moment I want nothing more than to call him and the next I want to let things lie like they are. I was in a devastating car wreck shortly after we broke off all contact, and I had three surgeries and a very long rehabiliation period that I went through all alone, really wishing he was there. I had a lot of thinking time to re-evaluate my life and priorities and look back and figure out what I had done wrong with him. It made me grow up and realize what's important in life and what isn't. After the breakup I did all of the classic wrong things when we were on again/off again, I was so hurt I would say anything I could think of to try to make him hurt as well, I was dramatic and basically pathetic. I'm not proud of it. He meant the world to me and I couldn't cope with the way he ended it and then being used like I never meant anything to him. It was a very special relationship at one time and it was hard to accept that he had changed so much. I'm probably not making much sense here. The first few years we were together we were always together and didn't hang out with any other people very much. Then near the end he contacted some of his old friends, and started spending lots of time partying with them and he distanced himself from me and when we were together he would start a fight over any little thing I did or said. His friends didn't have girlfriends and I think they were encouraging him to end things with me. I wanted to work things out, but he didn't back then and I couldn't fix things by myself. I've been in other long term relationships but none of them have stayed with me the way this one did. We had a very special connection, it was magical and felt like nothing has for me before or since. I never got any real closure from the whole thing and I don't think I have really let him go yet, to this day I would like to find a way to work things out and completely start over. Enough time has passed that I am not as hurt by all of it but I don't think he would like to hear from me again. I think I will have to find a way to live with my mistakes. It hurts a lot again right now, but I suppose it is a normal reaction to things not working out with my most recent relationship. I hope he is happy and I'm sorry things went so terribly wrong, and I hope I find peace with it someday. The only advice I can offer you is to contact her now, before 2 and a half years have gone by and it's too late. Don't let stubborness over who is going to contact who first stand in the way, or you might still be hurting years later with no way of going back. I really hope things work out for you!

Hi there, Thank you for your reply, and your tough questions. To clarify a little bit, the guy I recently broke up with has not ever had any serious relationships. The longest he has dated someone is 3 months. There's nothing wrong with that, but he was too clingy and I think it may partially be because he is not all that experienced with relationships. Again, I don't mind that part. The problems with this recent relationship were that we did not have many interests in common, we are from different backgrounds and have different tastes in everything from TV shows to books to music. He seemed to be more interested than I was from the beginning, and once I realized I was not interested I tried to end it civilly because I did not want to hurt him. He would not let me end it, I have now tried everything from distancing myself and avoiding him to out and out telling him I no longer want to continue and he still won't leave me alone. He calls me several times a day and wants to talk for over an hour at a time, and if I don't return his calls within a few hours he calls me back and yells and screams and leaves highly agitated messages demanding I call him right away. That said, since this latest talk trying to end it with him I have been having thoughts of my ex. I do not have any false pretenses that I could buy his love with sex. Nor do I want to, I know we both have certainly changed over the years. I am fairly busy with my job and other responsiblities, and that got me thinking that a friends with benefits situation could actually work now that I am not in the middle of the emotional self imposed turmoil that I was having back then. Yes, I agree it is strange that I think he might still be checking on me after all this time. I suppose the reasons I feel this way is because it was factually true for so long, and at one point we did have such a strong bond it's still hard to believe it's gone sometimes. You made a lot of valid points and given me a lot to think about, thank you. It is probably a mistake to contact him after so long, if he ever thought of me he could always have contacted me by this point. I will think on this some more before I do anything.

Hi everyone, My ex and I were together for almost 4 years. We were very happy together and everything seemed perfect until about the last 6 months of the relationship. We went from being each other's best friends that shared everything and were inseparable to him being moody and distant. He started saying things like he was too young (he is 4 yrs younger than me) and wanted to see more of life before marriage. Previously he had always been the one the most interested in marriage, we had talked about it a lot and even planned names for children and he was always saying he would never break up with me. Eventually he got so distant I asked him why I was still there, and he said he didn't know anymore, and we broke it off. We talked a lot over instant messages for the following 6 months and then one day he IMed me and asked how I would feel about a "friends with benefits" arrangement. I was so devastated from the break up I was willing to take him anyway I could get him, thinking it would lead to us getting back together. Things went that way for about a year on and off, he would break it off when I would get too emotional and then IM me a few months later and ask if I was seeing anyone. Then we'd start up again but it eventually became evident that it was hurting me too much to just sleep with him and he broke off all contact. I went into a big depression for several months. We have not spoken or seen each other for two and a half years now. I eventually clawed my way out of that hole, and ended up putting my life back together and grew up a lot. Got a good job, achieved some personal goals, and eventually even dated other guys. That never worked out very well because I keep comparing each guy to him, and the way things were when they were really good between us. He broke it off with me in the first place because I had a lot of anxiety problems and he started wanting us to go out and do things as a couple with other couples and friends, and I always shyed away from it. I have just ended up a relationship with a guy that was bordering on stalking me, calling me too much and harassing me. And it has brought up a lot of old feelings for the ex. Thinking things to myself like, I am too busy for someone that needy, and I would rather be alone right now so maybe the ex had the right idea of a friends with benefits situation. Or wondering if we could get back togehter since I have grown up so much and have forgiven a lot of what he did. I am seriously considering contacting him, either calling him or sending him an IM. Which I'm not sure he would ever see, because I haven't seen him come on that in a little over a year now. But part of me believes he might still peek in from time to time. My question is, am I being a total idiot wanting to try this again? And if I do try to contact him, what do I say? Is it a bad idea to contact an ex when it ended so messily? I did finally give up waiting on him and move on with my life to where I didn't think about him very much for long periods of time, so I really feel I could handle things this time around and I would at least like the opportunity to thank him for the good times we had. I know now that a lot of things I did when we were toghether and sleeping together after the breakup were sabotaging any chance we had. Any advice would be very much appreciated.