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Everything posted by holymoseph

  1. I am going through those mixed emotions myself. Knowing the relationship is best over and all the hurt that brought it there and yet still missing his arms around me and the intimacy and the time we spend together. It's frustrating and conflicting and it makes me feel restless and discontent because my emotions are not in sync with eachother. He just unblocked me but I'm thinking about blocking him. Reminders just hinder the progress of getting over him.
  2. This may not be what you want to hear but what I've learned from my guy friends is that if a dude gets upset about something insignificant and then uses that to break up or abandon you then they were already on their way out they were just looking for an excuse. It wasn't about the towels. He didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. It probably has very little to do with you personally, he just isn't capable of being in a relationship.
  3. You're right. I've asked myself numerous times what difference would it make even if he did say all the things I wanted him to say because once the damage is done it's done and there's no place for it to go even if there is any feelings left. I just wish I could silence my heart. I know this may sound stupid but I'm ashamed I even still feel this way. I want to just move on, I want to see him for the POS he is and that be enough and not care.
  4. I don't know what to think. My ex blocked me on facebook and my number after we broke up. It was not a good relationship or breakup. I could go into details but honestly theres just too much. Long story short: he got an std and then blamed it on me even though I didn't have it yet claimed he hadn't been with anyone else. His girl friend called one night incessantly and texted him and I saw it saying she thought she was coming over that night. Evidently she was coming over and sleeping in his bed when I wasn't there yet nothing happened (they both swear on it but I don't believe it). He kept telling me that when his house sold and he wasn't so broke he could give me what I deserved- a commitment and treat me like a man should. He said the stress of the house was too much and that was his excuse but then the house sold, we go out to a fancy dinner, he is ed up beyond belief and when I got upset he said he wanted to end things because he wasn't ready to give me a commitment. Fast forward a month and some change later he comes back into town after a lavish vacation and unblocks me on FB and his friend sends me a friend request the same day. YET he won't text me back if I text him. Then today I saw my friend post a picture with him in it at his house. I don't get why he would ublock me, his friend would sent a friend request and yet not respond to my text!!! Dudes, help me out? ?
  5. Agreed, it doesn't sound like a very stable relationship or that he's taking you too seriously if he's willing to end things over something so silly. Making threats about ending it just to get his way is also complete bs. No wonder you're feeling insecure in the relationship. It's not you imagining it, he's keeping it that way because he's unsure and doesn't sound like he's very invested. I agree with the other that I find it odd this chick stopped by and now he wants alone time. Guys will tell you all kinds of things about a girl only to still end up dating or sleeping with them. I've seen that more times than I can count. I hate to say it but there isn't much you can do right now but do your best to take the focus off him and keep busy. If things are innocent and he's just going through the normal pullback then the best way to get things back to normal is to get busy with You again and he will notice and want to reassert his position in your life. It can begin to feel overwhelming when it seems like you're the center of someone's life and responsible for their happiness, it's a lot of pressure. Guys, well anyone really, don't like pressure or obligations to fulfill any preconceived needs. It makes it work and not fun. At first you guys were together all the time because you wanted to be, the newness kept that going but once it becomes more of an obligation it loses it's luster. He can't miss you if you're not gone. Let him miss you. Something to think about, in regards to your other post, you need to ask yourself something very important: Can I be myself with him? If you can't than you need to rethink investing in the relationship. Staying in ones that are critical will diminish your identity and self-worth. You'll come out more insecure than you feel now. Do you now how you know when you've found someone worth investing in? When they bring out the best in you, and vice versa. Two people should be about to be authentically themselves without fear of ridicule, judgments or loss of interest. You two should NURTURE eachothers best and grow together. I have been guilty of staying in relationships myself that did stifled my sense of self and who I truly am, questioning my behavior, personality and rather I was enough all because I needed their validation. Half the time I didn't even really like them but how they made me feel about myself had me seeking their approval so I stayed and tried to be the person I thought they wanted. The perfect girlfriend. It wasn't until I stepped away or it ended did I see it for what it was. We we're a good match. We didn't compliment eachother. It's not necessarily a bad thing, sometimes two people are just too different, but NOBODY is entitled to pick you apart and make you question yourself to the point where you feel like you need to walk on eggshells. Have you ever wondered if he's narcissist? Because narcissist will make you feel like you need to walk on eggshells and you'll question yourself. Even these pulls away are manipulation tactics. Be careful. I'm not saying he IS but use this time to pull back yourself and reassess what he and the relationship is doing to help you grow and fulfill YOU!. DO NOT spend the time caught up in worrying what he is thinking or feeling. It'll drive you nuts, make you needy and insecure and even if you don't say anything that conveys that he will be able to sense it it the way you hold yourself or act around him. Get back to you, Get your confidence back. THAT is attractive and he will see that. That is what he wants, a girl he knows doesn't NEED him but Wants him. Do you. Let him do him. If it's meant to be it will be.
  6. My brother's youtube video that is pretty funny. The funny part is at 24 seconds and 3:25. Just those little quirks that I've come to love.
  7. Both my brother and sister are bipolar. My brother is bipolar with psychosis. They've both been on a variety of medications. My sister doesn't seem to be get as comatosed as my brother has on some medications but she's younger and I think he's also on stronger meds. I don't know exactly they're taking at the moment. I believe my brother is getting ready to receive the monthly shot, but I think that's for the psychosis. My sister has more emotional outburst, unexplained crying or irritation and is usually pretty sensitive. It's rough because it effects her ability to form friendships. Many times her acting out has put friends off and they usually end up not wanting to be her friend or block her which breaks my heart because she is very aware of her problems and always feels awful and apologetic after an outburst but people are not very understanding and are quick to cut her off. Because my brother has phobias including paranoia and delusions he is more likely to cut others off and doesn't try to form new friendships. I have anxiety, depression and PTSD but am not bipolar. I have symptoms of Complex PTSD which usually are due to fear of abandonment. It differs from borderline (BPD) because I don't have the other symptoms. My mother actually has been spending like crazy, and we DO NOT have the money to spend. She always feels guilty but can't stop. I mention this because I remember reading recently that there was a class action lawsuit for I think Abilify- not sure if that was the one, but I need to look into it because she is taking that medication, or whichever it was that was reported. Medications can have all sorts of side effects, unfortunately loss of libido does tend to be one of them. I have no libido but mine is due to very low, almost none, testosterone. I wish I could say it bothers me but it doesn't. My last boyfriend and I had great sexual chemistry but he could never last long enough. Sex just doesn't matter as much to me as it did when I as younger I guess. I'm sorry to hear you've gone through so much with it. I'm very close with my siblings and it has been heartbreaking to see their lives transform after developing BPD. It was like I was meeting a new person because my brother changed so much BUT it is not all bad. They both have a very colorful personality. My sister is artistic and her mind amazes me sometimes. We brainstorm on stories together. My brother makes youtube videos that are actually pretty hiliarous. He does't have the following he wants yet but I've watched some of them over and over and laughed to the point of crying. And he's just being his weird self. The person that came from being bipolar because he did not have that eccentric personality before. We try to make the best of it. Sometimes when my sister is having an outburst we get on Smash Brothers and beat up fictional characters to release her frustrations or go for a drive in the middle of nowhere and do yell therapy. It's just like it sounds except sometimes mixed with some profanity. lol. It sounds like you're being proactive in your diagnosis and doing the best you can to adjust to the new normal. I applaud you for that. Not many people are as brave to own it, accept it and work towards building a new life. It is very challenging so you're doing amazing. Medication is helpful but it isn't everything. You need to be seeing a therapist regularly to work toward challenging feelings and moods and to gain tools in dealing with them. Being self-aware is half the battle and it sounds like you're working on that. If it helps google all the celebrities with mental disorders. You're certainly not alone. Mariah Carrey just got diagnosed as bipolar. It's literally everywhere. And just because they may seem to have a better handle on it but things are different behind closed doors and they too are struggling. I'll be praying for you. Hugs.
  8. It's funny you say that because she always says, "God's got me." She says she's at peace with it. I am actually really looking forward to her living with us so that I can spend time and take care of her. She's always been very much in my life but more so as a source of strength and comfort for me and my family. Not to say I haven't for her at times but primarily it has been her to be the caretaker so I'm looking forward to returning that care and love to her. I am big on sentimental and special homemade gifts. I just made her a pillow with collage of pictures of her deceased husband and their dog that just passed and embellished the other side with buttons from some of his shirts and from Her mother's button collection. I made homemade video/slideshows with synced music and I made a scrapbook with all pictures of my late grandfather for Christmas. She's made me a scrapbook once and it will always be the Best gift I've ever received next to the last birthday I had with my Grandfather, he died the next morning and I prayed for months that he's make it til then. I always prayed for the next holiday/birthday with him. I am very thankful for the time I had. Thank you for the kind words. You're right, I need to find the peace she has and trust in His plan. No matter what it will be ok because I have her and she has me and that is forever.
  9. No, I my ex and I had a 15+ friendship after breaking up. I was there for him every time he needed me. He did disappoint me. I actually was stupid enough to forgive him and was once again there for him this last time when another girl broke his heart and took advantage of him only for him to disappear again. I did expect him to be there for me and he wasn't. I'm human, I need emotional support too. It doesn't make me entitled and it isn't too much to want that. I'm just saying that after making the mistake of continuously being there for someone who failed me repeatedly I've gotten to the point where I am very reserved in who I confide in or go to and it's left me empty. I'm trying to be strong for my granny. I can only be my own emotional support for so long before it starts to become too much. I understand what you're saying in terms of expectations but I'm disappointed that you zeroed in on that. It felt judgmental and disregarded the bigger picture here which is that while it is HER diagnosed I am very much in her life and I can only speak from my perspective and what I need in order to be a service to her. My position as a granddaughter shouldn't have even been attacked. It doesn't matter HOW you're related to someone or if you are at all, finding out someone you love and care for deeply has cancer is awful. It's foul to attack their need for compassion and support. I don't see how your comment about by position as her granddaughter was appropriate. I was hoping to hear from those who have cared for someone in this position. What to do for them, how to not break down when you see them so sick. I'm not angry with God like I was yesterday but I'm still scared for my granny. I've never been through this to this extent. Skin cancer, my mother had her uterus taken out for precancerous cells but nothing that required chemo. Maybe this sounds dumb but she's so weak already. I'm worried the Chemo will be too much on her. I'm worried her body won't be able to handle the surgeries. She is Very strong, emotionally and physically, so when I see her in pain I know it's bad. She's good at masking it and she's not masking it right now. I've brought her photo albums, readers digest, crosswords and plants to her hospital room. I hold her hand and tell her how much I love her. Change her, bath her etc. Just scared about what's ahead.
  10. BTW I didn't say I expect EVERYONE but I DO expect those I've build a 15+ year friendship with to be there. It's like you picked what you wanted to attack out of my post and went for it. Sad.
  11. WE are caring for her! She's moving in with us. And no, I don't agree. When you have been there for someone through every thing, and let me tell you it's a lot, I do expect them to be there when I need them. They should expect me to be there for them when they need me, because I will be. That is what it means to be a friend. You signup to be relied upon when things get tough. So you agree with expectations to pay taxes, commit to work demands, follow through with all other commitments but there shouldn't be any expectations or commitments within a friendship? Maybe you're not close to your grandparents but I am very close to mine. Maybe you didn't read my post carefully because I did state just how close I am with her. I change her, I've bathed her, I've taken her to her appointments, and all other things that are required of a caretaker. Your judgment makes me sad. Clearly I've been struggling with the news and your focus in on a perceived entitlement, none of compassion. I don't expect much from people at all, again I stated that, but I did expect my ex to be there and he wasn't. I am appreciative of those how have been praying and I direct it towards my grandmother, not myself. I am still human and imperfect and allowed to feel sad and helpless that I can't stop what's ahead of her, even if she did do it to herself, I love her beyond measure and never want to see her suffer even if it is the result of her own decisions. Please don't comment on my post anymore. Your opinion is judgmental and unkind.
  12. You're right. She did do this to herself and I know she knew in her heart that if she continued to smoke she would pay the consequences. I was caught up in focusing on her heart and it's weight in God's eyes and not her human responsibility for the body God gave her. It is her journey. I was reeling in emotions and logic wasn't in play. Thanks for a snap back to reality.
  13. Don't agree that we shouldn't expect others to be there during such hardships. I don't expect much from people, a simple prayer, a reminder things will be ok or hug when feeling like falling apart. I'm not exactly sure how you think I'm expecting much. Expecting my ex, who I had been there for Countless times and forgiven for some seriously damaging things, to just pick up the phone when my grandpa died or when I was facing a cancer scare is NOT asking too much. I won't diminish myself to the point of where my feelings don't matter. I have done that most of my life and it has left me empty and alone when I need someone. I won't do that anymore. Also there is nothing wrong with needing someone. We all need to feel cared for and loved. I recently read a study about the life expectancy on the elderly and the most influential factor was their connections to other so I'm sorry I don't agree that we shouldn't expect others to be kind, compassionate and there when we need them.
  14. I'm sorry to her you lost your dad. Having lost my grandpa, who was my father figure, I often think about what he's doing up in Heaven and what it will be like for our whole family to be reunited someday. There definitely is comfort in that. And I don't know about you but I take comfort in the little signs he leaves or sometimes I can just sense his presence or I'll smell him. Or watching old home videos and hearing his voice. Those little things.
  15. YES! I have been thinking that a lot in the last 24hrs. I think you're right, it would be a good idea.
  16. Exactly what I'm struggling with. I know it's the ego speaking and even that I feel guilt over but then I reasoned that I am human and God made me, and all of us, as we are, ego included. The dialog was right, and I especially appreciated the reminder of suffering mentioned in the Bible, including Jesus. I thought about that yesterday too. I also believe that the hardships we encounter serve a purpose and help mold us into who He wants us to be. Having processed it I feel better and I fully intend to do what I can to be a source of comfort to my granny. Even while I was angry with God I prayed and asked for him to forgive me for being so and yet I couldn't help but still feel that way. You're right, trying to entirely understand is beyond our comprehension and that is where faith comes in. Thank you for such a thoughtful response. It helped a lot.
  17. [ATTACH=CONFIG]11507[/ATTACH] Picture of one of my most treasured memories as a kid. My grandparents, brother, cousins and myself camping up in Wisconsin at Indian Trails. I have been blessed with wonderful grandparents whom invested so much of themselves into us kids. Just thought it'd be nice to have a face with the story. Please pray for her. Her name is Mary.
  18. My grandmother has been in and out of the hospital for months now because her lungs keep filling up with fluid. Each time her stay is longer and Finally this time they did some a biopsy and we were told today she has mucinous carcinoma in both lungs. There are still questions and tests that need to be done but she will obviously need chemo. She did smoke for most of her life despite our lengthy attempts to get her to quit. It doesn't do any good for us to beat her up over what is already done. This is my first time really dealing with cancer with a close loved one. She is very much like a second mother. I actually have more memories with her than my own mother. Feel bad saying that but it's true. My emotions have run the gamet today. I don't really have anyone outside my family I am really close to anymore. I have a hard time depending on others for emotional support. I either feel like a bother and needy and haven't had many people who have actually been very supportive in the past. The usual generic simple responses but not many deep connections, in part to becoming a recluse. I've had health problems in the past few years that has made me retreat and cut people out. People are not very understanding especially when it is seemingly simple things that they haven't lived (hormone disorder, bowel disease, bladder disorder, chronic fatigue etc.) They don't understand and can't relate so their compassion only goes so far but when you can't promise how you'll feel day-to-day and so commitments become few and far between people start to give up on investing in you. That hurt a lot so I stopped investing in them. I don't mean to make the focus on me when it's about my granny but I'm having a hard time coping alone. I use to call my ex when things got bad but he failed me when my grandfather was sick and died and I had a cancer scare myself. His excuse for ignoring my attempts to reach out during those times was his gf at the time didn't want him responding. She's a junkie. I was in his life for over 15 years so failing me for a girl he barely knew should have been enough. After forgiving and giving to him whenever he needed me I finally had enough and cut contact. I've made the mistake of investing in takers who don't give and drained myself. I've been angry and sad about what's going on with my granny. I've prayed so much asking God to spare her and have mercy on her. She's such a good Godly woman and I thought He would see her heart and love her enough in return to spare her of this fate. I am thankful that the diagnosis comes with a good survival rate but there are still so many questions so I don't want to get my hopes up just yet. I'm heartbroken to know what lies ahead of her. Watching her go through chemo and suffer without being able to stop it. I'm sure these thoughts and feelings are common to those who have lived it. Being sad and angry at God and not understanding why. She's so strong and as soon as I saw her today I started crying. I want to be strong for her, I want to do the best I can for her. She's given me so much. You want to fix it, but you can't. You want to give all you can in hopes it will be enough but you know the one thing they truly need, their health, you can't give. Here I'm caught up in feeling helpless when it's not about me at all. Any wisdom, insight, advice or kindness is welcome. I am a Christian so I am not looking for opinions or beliefs that reason atheism. Thank you.
  19. I don't know why I still care what your doing. Or who your doing it with. I can make my assumptions and like before, I'll probably be right. God it's a curse to have such strong intuition of things. I knew exactly how it'd play out between us. I tried to leave you because I knew you'd cheat with her. You begged me not to leave you. I couldn't. I couldn't see you hurt. And I didn't want to leave. But deep down I knew you were to weak of person to stay faithful, despite all your promises. It only took ONE time being around her for ONE hour. How sick is that? What's more pathetic is that she said she felt sorry for me and she thought I'd like her if I gave her a chance. What kind of SKANK thinks I'd want to befriend someone who spread their legs to my boyfriend while I was outside the room? No class. Neither one of you. Last time we spent together you said there were thing you hadn't told me. Truth was, I knew most of those "things" already. I don't think your stable. It scares me that your in the military. How desensatized you've become. Scary what your future relationships will look like. Scary to invision what OURs would have looked like if I had stayed and changed my whole life for you following you around everywhere. God I'm thankful to be able to get this out because it makes things seem a little clearer. And maybe resentful is the wrong way to feel. Maybe I should be thankful that you saved me from an even worse future with you. The weekend we brokeup I was considering breakingup with you. All I could think and feel was "I can't do this. I can't get over what he did a week ago and act like it never happened". You wanted me to just get over it. You said you didn't want to be criticized the rest of your life for what you did. But it was only a week. I was understandably angry. You never let me FEEL my emotions. It was weird. Honestly, I don't think we ever really knew eachother. It was a pretty picture we pretended with. But it wasn't real. Reality was sinking in and it was too much, too messy I guess. I want to have good feeling about this. I want to be over you enough to wish you well. But I can't right now. I'm still not over what a coward you are. And I REALLY don't get why you asked me who I was seeing. Why care if you walked away? I think you pretend alot of your life. TO me, to our friends. To yourself. Bury yourself in whatever distractions you can but someday you'll think of me. You'll miss me. I dare you to find someone who was as good to you as I was. And then I'd like to shake her hand for being able to put up with you.
  20. I pity you because I am the best you'll ever do. And that's not just me being cocky. It's the truth. I adored you and seriously, I'm too good looking for you. I meant it when I said you sucked at kissing. Good GOD your tongue was over taking my mouth. I should have known even from something as little as that, that it was doomed to fail. You cheated on me while I stood outside your door and cried to your sister about how much I loved you. Then you begged me back. Held onto my mom and cried. Then you brokeup with me a week later cause your "too selfish". Your words. Not mine. But then your defenses came out and you couldn't admit to being the one to F it all up so you blamed me. You said all I ever did was want to argue. But truth is, our arguing was the result of YOU not knowing how to communicate. If I didn't like something and expressed it you Blew up. Not me. i don't know how many times I told you not to yell at me and you insisted that you weren't but it was obvious you were. It was annoying. I'd just be quiet to shut you up. I even apologized for things I didn't do wrong to shut you up. You yelled at me in front of my friend twice! I just walked away then you grew even more mad and demanded I get outside so you could yell at me some more. My friends came out because they couldn't believe what the H was going on. I told you I wasn't doing this. You said fine, I'm done then. I said fine. I was too nice. I let you walk all over me. I came to your house to check on you cz you didn't have a ride home. You apologized saying it was your fault. I forgave you. It makes me sick how much of a coward you are that you can't even Admit that you messed up. Your so weak that you have to blame everything on me and vocalize it to our mutal friends. I honestly don't care what they think. I know the truth. I dated you, not them. I'm sure your * * * * ing the skank you cheated with. And thats fine because she's nasty and a loser. Like I said, I'm the best you'll ever do. I know someday you'll realize this and try to talk to me. I'm too freakn' nice and will probably hear you out because I'm not like you. I'm kind and no matter how much someone's hurt me I don't have the heart to watch them suffer. But GOD I hope I don't. Can't wait til you leave this town. How free it will feel to not have to worry about seeing you wherever I go.
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