wcl

just wrote a letter and sent it to her, broke NC but this is it, definitive NC, i told her how i felt, and i have decided i cant hang about and hope and cant be friends, i cant handle that, it wont be fair on her , i will forever want more. said my goodbyes! i feel like * * * * and cant stop crying, but its for the best, i need to move on

need to get rid of these ideas of grand gestures out of my head, that i think will make you sad and pine for me and feel sorry!, i dont want that. the sooner this weekend is over the better. i have had fun with my mates, but i have thought about you less when i am at home doing nothing, as appose to being out having a good time, i guess i just miss you with me

i am so bad now, i had my music on and have shriveled up, i love the music, its amazing, it makes me think of you and smile, and i am happy, and i think of the amazing loving times we had, cuddled in bed, all my fave music reminds me of you...i have had an amazing time, had a cry! i hope you are listening to the same songs too, i know they will touch you, i love you. take your time be happy, but be happy with me please, hold me to the music

went out got drunk, knew she was doing the same, but was surprised at myself, i coped fine was happy, and was hoping she was the same too, more of this will do very nicely, if i can be that nice and thoughtful when drunk then i got some hope for me getting over this amicably and being friends, which if i cant have ehr i will settle for, i don't want to lose her, and she is my best friend

wow, really * * * * ing hard now, but iv got myself to blame, been listening to some deftones, and opeth, all songs that remind me of her, the thought of her going out and having fun tonight with her mates in some rock clubs surrounded by men that are gonna be trying it on with her is driving me mad! and she sent me a text asking how i have been, and what i am up to tonight, grrrrrrrrrrrr,

day 5 its been a very hard day today, i have been checking on her FB, i know i shouldn't but couldn't help myself, and i am not ready to delete her yet, i am being strong though, i wont break NC. she posted last night about having to talk o her friends after being all sad, but today shes all happy and cheerful and laughing and joking, and looking forward to going out tonight! its a good job i am going out to or id have moped about being really miserable (more so). i hope she sends me some drunk text messages or tries to ring me, my phones staying at home so no way i will reply, i do want to know shes thinking of me though, especially when shes going out having fun

day 5 she has contacted me once, on Wednesday morning, text message asking how my job interview went, i feel bad for not answering, it was a simple enough question. i didn't tell her i was going NC, so im forever wondering if shes pissed off. gonna be a hard day today, off out later with the lads for the first time since we split, im gonna try my best to get her out of my mind and have some fun, otherwise with a few drinks things could get bad, turning into a blubbering mess and trying to contact her! for some reason i feel like expressing some snide comments to her, i don't know what, that's just my mood towards her today i guess, but NC

1st of April, and i am the fool. is it wrong i want you to be sad, i wish you were, i want that text message, send me a text message, in some twisted way i would be ok with that, it would validate my feelings. i know you are strong, but show me some love and weakness, open up to me, we can move forward then, you cant flippantly move on just like that, just acknowledge my pain

i hope your sat with your mobilephone in your hand waiting for me to text you! i hope you have been waking up in the night, been having a terrible time sleeping, been biting your tongue and grinding your teeth, i hope i spend every moment of your time in your head, there might be some hope then! because thats what i am going through, seems only fair you are the same

day 4 abit harder today, stupidly i am expecting a good night text or good morning, i can work with that it gives abit of hope, will keep me on the right track, with out any little crumb like that as the days pass i can see it getting even harder and myself trying to figure out why! as is the case with most others i just want to pick up the phone and ring her straight away. the weekend will be a big tester i can see that. i am going to be with my mates for the first time since NC, and we will be out having fun...no problem with that it will do me good, but i will be drinking and i gotta stay strong, i wont be taking my phone out that's for sure, no drunken texts or anything. i am glad i didn't delete her facebook though. i do glance at her profile and it does me good, seeing her pictures, i love her so much, and as she asked for some space it enables me to give it to her, it was her wish and my love for her will allow that. its stopping me from picking the phone up, and it is also helping me set goals for myself, i need to be better and to be clearheaded and confident and strong, and i can be in a good place if she decides she ever wants me back, and if not i can go from there again from a much improved starting place, a better person

yeah she had one planned anyway, but it turned out she got another one, i dread to think what that's about and the reasoning behind what ever it is she chose. yeah i don't think i can manage to do the Facebook yet, it sends out a big message, its a pretty severe cut.

day 3 hmmmmmmmmm big mistake checking on Facebook. i am not one for paranoia or over analyzing things, but i wont be looking on her page again, no good comes from it! she put a status about it being a happy day, but a painful one, i thought well one of them two has gotta be about me, or maybe both, maybe shes happy i have stopped bothering her. turned out she went for a tattoo i forgot she had booked, happy for the tattoo and hurt alot. hahaha NO FACEBOOK for me anymore