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About sweetharmony

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  1. But when you have that hope, fantasy and dream that the person is or could be the one and where it's now gone and you are devastated...it is much more difficult to keep in touch and cold turkey is only way to go until you separate emotionally so you can think rationally. then if you so choose to be friends way down the line, then that is possible. because when you send that email...and don't hear back for a few days...but then they do write and you analyze what it means or if their friendliness means they want to get back together...it's pure torture. it's like an addiction and the small rewards only keep you attached. the only way to separate that bond is to detach completely until it's not there.
  2. I also have stayed friendly with only a few exes immediately after which HELPED me move on more quickly-those where the person I respected and admired and also knew I would never be happy with them long-term. We sent one another closure emails and conversations by phone that acknowledged and affirmed what we enjoyed about the relationship and also acknoweldged what didn't work. We also said our sorries, what we could have done and this served only to help one another learn and grow. deep in my heart I knew the other person wasn't right and visa versa but they were special and it just didn't work and wouldn't long-term. I think those types are easier to move on from and be friends. I'm still friendly with an ex today and so excited for his amazing life. He's a successful Broadway Producer with a gorgeous girlfriend...and truly I couldn't be happier for him. he's an amazing person, always treated me with utmost respect and dignity...and our breakup was amicable though extremely painful. I am such a cheerleader for him. but I don't hang out with him or anything sinc ehe has new life. he and I would never have worked out though we had deep connection.
  3. i think this makes the most sense. this worked in my rel. years ago before I heard of NC. I did the LC but moved on and when ex and I became friends again, I wasn't pushing to get back together. We just had fun and he had to wine me back. I made the mistake of pushing my ex for marriage and he felt like I was a push-over. seriously, he could do whatever he wanted with me and I took it. i was a prize at the beginning-ot took him 6 mos to win me over and for him i was a prize. he took me ring shopping (i still wasn't sure about him yet, too early). but once he started backing away i became clingy and needy. that pushed him so far away.
  4. yes, i agree with Dil. I, too have had sucidial feelings, though never really posted in this forum about it too much. But i have read some of the discussions and I really think it's best to refrain from telling these people they're selfish. no one can understand the intense emotional, psychic pain that person is experiencing until they've walked in their shoes. telling a suicidal person to think about these other people rather seems futile for a person who doesn't really have support or close friends, or may have family members who are abusive to them. these individuals may feel that the pain is just too unbearable and wish that others could just understand them wanting to end it. for these people, they see no other way to end the pain and to live it daily seems futile. instead, maybe talking about their own pain is a better approach. and please don't take this as i am not standing on an ivory tower giving my expert advice, because far be it for me to say my advice is better than others.
  5. no, the point is that we discussed our relationship over and over again. He told me that he did not see us getting amrried though he cares for me so deeply. You see I tried to constantly sabatoge the relationship and became dramatic and overly emotional. I never not wanted him, I always wanted to be with him...it wasn't a qeustion of deep caring or passion or friendship, it was a question of practicality. He always told me, love is just not enough. we have all the seeming basis for a great relationship-the passion never died b/w either of us, the respect, or friendship, love...it was our incompatibility-he worked too much, i was too needy and emotional, he wants calmness, i was too living in the past and future, he was focused on now. we tried to make it work to no avail. but our friendship and deep caring doesn't end on either side. what do we do?
  6. I broke up with my ex on Feb. 16th (he was unsure whether or not he saw me long-term). Anyways, we both moved too quickly and didn't evalaute the relationship practically in addition to my relationship sabotaging behavior that pushed him away. But we seriously have a deep connection and friendship, passion. The passion was there (though only 6 mos), the friendship and caring is there, etc...and he truly wants to continue having me in his life. When we broke up, I asked him to leave and hadn't contacted him since. He had to e-mail (b/c i am still renting his apt-he lives elsewhere) and we needed to make arrangments. I know he had been in so much pain when the relationship ended as he had indicated in an e-mail to me requesting friendship. I replied that it was not a good idea, but kepy it rather civil. anyways, since a majority of the issues were mine, sabatgoing, I sent him a closure letter (yes, i know people say not to), but it was simply that, to end things peacefully. He wrote me back a letter with similar feelings and when i didn't respond to that letter, he asked why i hadn't responded. I told him that my closure letter was simply that and that I didn't want to continue discussing this and to end it ona friendly note. he continues to send me e-mails asking me if i need help with my computer, sends me articles of interest, etc... and although i know he doesn't want to get back with me,. he doesn't want me out of his life. I really want to be with him again. as for friendship, while we are both back on the dating sites where we met, i know friendship is difficult, esp. when feelings are so near to surface. but, having him in my life provides a sense of peace, solace, and comfort-he is truly a good person and I ultimately respect him as a person, depsite the fact that he doesn't see me (i messed up). i can't help but feel that getting these sweet e-mails validates me, and shows he cares and i think helps me to move on faster-without anger and the pain i was feeling at first. or am i deluding and numbing myself into thinking he may come back and not truly moving on? yes, maybe I'm trying to hold onto something with a glimpse of hope, hoping that through our good friendship (which seems better than the emotional drama dating) we can ultimately get back together. yes, i suppose I am deluding myself. any thoughts? PS I have been in practically NC, though he e-mails me and I respond (out of politeness and maturity). I'm sorry, but I live in his apt. and I want to be as mature as possible. it is impossible and not the best to ignore him. although he respects limited contact.
  7. thanks everyone. Yes, maybe in the past I have chosen emotionally unavailable men. This time, for certain my most recent ex was not emotionally unavailable-just to me...after I pushed him so far away. He is the most honest and moral person I know and he has never been in a relationship and is a virgin, not because he is emotionally unavailable, but because he is too nice and often gets overlooked by women. Despite his strange and absent relationship/intimacy history, I felt almost out of league with him. we seemed to have long-term comaptible goals, but my insecurities kept sabatoging and i ended up pushing him away for fear. He didn't want to end the relationship (he cares so deeply for me), though he saw no long-term future (as ai asked and pushed for an asnwer so soon, from 4-6 months). I feel as though I am doomed to a series of these intense relationships (where the bf loves to date me for as long as he can). i am a good girlfriend and though my boyfriends rarely break up with me, I am not marriage material. I have good and bad qualities, but when I talk about the future, they cannot commit to anything true. these are not emotionally unavailable men, they just don't see me in their future. I am not angry with them, as it is always my fault, I'm not sure how I can become the person who could be a good support to myself and to another. i don't know how to handle the little things and blow everything up out of proportion. I don't have anyone to base it on! Yes, my parents have a dysfunctional relationship. They are constantly arguing. My dad is very emotionally abusive to all of us. But I cannot continue to focus on this any more. I must take responisbility, but my head begins to think (when my boyfriend) says one thing that maybe insulting, that he hates me, it's over. Yes, I am afraid of abandonment and this causes my worst fear. It's just so scary that I am so aware, yet feel helpless to change! and the conversations are the same over and over.
  8. I am obviously having difficulty with relationships. I am quite self-aware and can see the obvious things I need to change and learn from my mistakes, but unfortunately, for some reason I am unable to implement what I've learned into future relationships and to live in th present. I decided to look at my old posts, for clarification and what I read is soooo eeringly familiar. this specific post (while only two months) is the EXACT story of my recent break-up. almost exactly, although this most recent was 6 months. I feel like the conversation was a script that I keep replaying over and over. This recent relationship, however, actually had potential, the most potential so far, as he was decidingly interested in pursuing marriage and completely honest with me about everything. I want to get out of this cycle, but feel helpless to do so....what breaks the cycle? I just lost someone who had real potential and afraid that unless I make serious changes, this will continue to haunt me. I am sinking in my depression because I feel I cannot do this anymore (though I try so hard) and afraid that I won't be able to come up for air anymore.
  9. First, let me say that a woman who is 35 (if she wants to raise a child) has already planned aor at least seriously considered it at this age. A woman has a very difficult chance after her late thirties to conceive. Although 35 is VERY young, yes, for a woman thinking about childbirth, it is the ripe age. I'm not saying a woman can't wait until her early forties, even mid-to-late forties, as we hear stories about this, but it is not ideal (as many doctors will say), because it is much mroe difficult. So, I can understand that both of you are on different paths in life. She needs to plan for a child and unfortunately, a man who plays around all day, smokes pot, and has a job here and there is not most likely husband/father material. i understand her concerns and I do believe she cares deeply about you. She probably did not lie, but for practical considerations, the considerations of her future family, and compatibility issues, she cannot be with you. She probably did/does love you, but cannot be with you for the aforementioned reasons. I would seriously consider planning for your future. I'm not sure if there are women out there who do not do this at 35. I'm not going to say all, but many women, unless they are like you and wish to party all day do not want to lead this lifestyle. 35 is young, but you are an aduklt and have repsonsibilities.
  10. ENA-all the people on here who spend their time helping other people all the people in the world who volunteer or sepnd their life trying to make a difference my friend who has always found a way to make me laugh love my nephew who is adorable creativity passion breathing the warm sun amazing/challenging job empathy intuition opportunities to travel having a healthy physical body ideas the ocean-as it ebbs and flows safety moments of insight spirituality
  11. I think that is great that she is focusing on her career and went to graduate school, saving for a home, planning and wants stability. She sounds like a very positive woman. and I admire her for not moving to your town and become a secretary. To be honest, her values seem incompatible with yours. I don't want you to take this the harsh way, and who am I to day that your values are wrong, but as someone who is 35, don't you see a reason to plan for your future? regardless of whether you want kids or not, don't you wish to use the $ you are investing for a nest egg, whether for you and your future family. Partying is fun, but you can do both. Responsibility is maturity and it seems that she wanted this. Don't hate her. If you truly want a woman who has no goals but to party, there are people out there like that.
  12. I know hoe you feel. This week, my boss just asked me to be part of a powepoint presentation where I had to talk for 5 minutes about what our department does in front of 100 people. I am a Director of Research for Fundraising, so most of my job is sort of behind the scenes. I was absolutely terrified, but considering that I was hired in a pretty professional position and being paid more than I've ever dreamed of, i was even more terrified to tell her that I couldn't do it. I've been sick all week and thought I would choke and freeze. I've prepared all week, read what i was going to say out loud until i knew my material. i once froze like you and couldn't do it. i was just unpreprepared. don't worry. people are very forgiving about these types of things. they won't care and won't remember it or think anything bad about you. Always remember that. still that doesn't take away the anxiety. Today was the day. i was sick, nervous and expressed this to coworkers. minutes before i was to speak, i blanked. but i got up in front of the poidum and just spoke. I looked up and at my powerpoint, but not at anyone else. but i didn't look too much at the paper. and I did ok! Advice, you're going to be nervous: Breathe Keep your head up, but don't look not the people don't drink any caffeine. speak slowly but enunciate pause. one you start speaking, it will start to flow. good luck.
  13. well, it's simple. talking to your ex in person is very difficult. i'm sure there is risidual pain. E-mail or texting is just simpler, you can think through waht you are going to say and if you get a reply that you don't want to hear, it's much easier than in person. Regardless, many exes (even though she broke up with you-i think) still go through the series, of pain, sometimes regret, confusion,. It's not black and white. she may miss you, she wonders what you are doing, etc...just keep it cool as you are. if she really wants to tell you something, she must do it for you to respond in any meaningful way. just take it as it is, she's just wanting to know what's going on for now. you were a part of her life and I'm sure she misses you to some degree even if it couldn't work.
  14. thanks. i know the real reason. there were a multitude of reasons we couldn't work. we tried so hard. I was insecure and pushed too much for the future. We jumped headfirst into the relationship, he told me he wanted to marry me, so of course, he was very excited and new to this. the perfection at the beginning was bliss, but not reality. I was swept away and finally thought this was it. until this day, i think he's good for me. But there are many things i needed to work on. I became scared and started to push him away. so I pushed him to do so. He kept trying to make it work. unfortunately,i became too dependent on him. but this is not me. the pain of losing him made me push until the wall was too high to climb. i lost his mind, not his heart. our passion is ever so great and our compassion/intense connection ever so deep. He was trying to fulfill his dreams, and sometimes i was supportive, other times too demanding. I wish i could take all of these back, but when i realized it was too late. his head was already made upm, but couldn't tell me. I don't want to accept this, esp. when he has been 100% truthful (to the point of being too truthful). I'm not sure if we're compatible b/c I couldn't give us time to see and I don't even know what I want. he is determinded to fulfill his dreams, and i became selfish. i wish he knew that I could change. But it's too late. i know he cares so deeply for me too. I feel it and i see it in his eyes. He wishes he could take my pain away. but my pain is his and he couldn't take it any longer. and I guess I'm the one really who shouldn't be in a relationship until i'm healed. But I just can't believe i let something so good for me go. or perhaps it was just not meant to be. he knows my feelings, but I'm surprised he would do something to cause me further pain. he is not the type. he would travel 5,000 miles to save a puppy. he would return a nickel if he was given back the additional change. this is not hsi moral character, so I am just confused and it's making me hurt ever so much more.
  15. Hi everyone, I've been in NC since last Friday, 10 days now (except for a few necessary e-mails dealing with me living in his apartment). he is back on the dating site where we met and on another not even a week after our break-up. I am devastated beyond belief. He told me he would not get into a relationship or date for a long time b/c he needed to focus on his career dreams, securing financial issues, etc and did not want to do this again to another girl...because he loved and cared for me so deeply. He consoled me for so long. I just can't understand how he can just do this when he knows we met on the site and i would be using it too. He e-mailed last week letting me know he was in pain and having a HARD time and is usually so resilient-but i e-mailed and told him i couldn't be but that i wished him luck, etc...very light. I want to contact him, to be with him again. I see him online and it drives me crazy. I deleted all of his e-mails, letters, gifts, photos, phone # from my phone...yet, seeing him online everyday looking for another relationship is a constant reminder...and knowing the reality that he did have the time for relationship...work was an excuse that he used for months. he just didn't want to be with me. I am living in his apt. right now for the next month (he lives in his own home), and i was wondering if it is ok to send this? he did ask me to stay in touch re: the apartment, and if i ever needed anything (but of course, those are just lines). He told me he was in PAIN and wa HURT and finding it difficult to concentrate and thought he would be resilient and that he would LOVE for me to be in his life. I replied that I couldn;t be his friend and that I wish him luck. two days later, he's on the site. I really want to mention to him the fact that I saw him online and how hurt I am about this when he lied to me and said he couldn't be in a relationship b/c of his career. but i know that will be bad. But is there a way to word it so I can get an answer and some closure. I feel that there was none. I want to say more than this, but I don't think it's good. please help. i just want him back in my life. it hurts too much. PS. he is not the type to try and get me jealous or lie or cheat, etc...he's been nothing but honest with me, but now I don't understand this. Dear you, I know we’re not really on speaking terms, but I have a favor to ask you and I will understand if you say no. but I don’t know who better to ask and I figured you will be at the apt. on Wed. eve. I don’t want you to think that I am angry with you b/c I don’t wish to be friends, it’s just that I need time to heal from the relationship; being friends would prevent that. But I want you to know that I appreciate your help with everything. Yes, it is a little painful that both of us are beginning a new chapter in our lives and looking once again for that person with whom we are ultimately compatible. Anyways, back to the original reason for the e-mail. I purchased my computer at CC and I haven’t been able to get onto the internet. The guy from CC assured me that the wireless adapter card is compatible, but I am not so sure. I followed the instructions, installed the driver, then opened the computer to install the PCI-I think I did it correctly, and when I turn the computer on, I can’t find the driver anywhere. Well, I tried to reinstall the driver, but it says that the driver already exists and I have to uninstall before installing again. I did an entire computer search for the driver to no avail. I’m not sure what’s wrong. Can you offer some suggestions? Also, if you could help set up the computer with some of the programs you have, that would be so helpful. I just thought I’d ask. Thanks so much. best, me
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