FiguringItOut

Hi David You have a great opportunity for a dynamite relationship here. Don't blow it because of some stupid notion that there's something wrong with an older woman~younger man pairing. If more younger guys would get with older women, they'd soon find out that older chicks don't play the ridiculous games that younger girls do, are more mature, and usually have their own stuff (car, career, even their own home sometimes). The having their own stuff is important, because in the American culture especially, men are socially influenced to see women as "purchases", instead of people, and women are socially influenced to see men as nothing more than a walking wallet. ( Being a girl, I know. You wouldn't believe the things my friends say about men. I wish men would respond to these ugly stereotypes by making them less true.) Older women rely less on a man for material comfort, and see him as a person, looking at the aspects of his personality, seeing him as a companion, lover and friend. Guys many times tend to overlook this. She sounds like a good girl for you, and if you really like each other, go for it, respect and treat each other well, and be happy.

Hi Johnny I know how hard the rejection thing can be, especially when it seems to keep happening over, and over again. The other side of the problem is the desperation thing, which seems to want to creep into your consciousness, making it easy for you to accept the WRONG person. (dealing with that right now too.) So funny how I get rejected, and now I'm turning someone down this very afternoon. But, from a chick's perspective, here's why I'm turning him down. (Maybe this will make it a little easier to not take it personally, even though it is happening TO you personally.) Our life/relationship goals are entirely different. We wouldn't get along for more than 15 minutes, at best, because we have such diametrically opposed views on important things. Our personalities clash, not mesh. We're good as friends, but anything more, disaster. And as far as sexual attraction for the man, there just isn't any, as far as I'm concerned. All I see him as is a friend. I couldn't get physically interested in this guy if he looked like Neo, there's just no spark there at all. Maybe that's the way the guy who just turned me down feels about me too. That we wouldn't be good for each other. And maybe I'm not what he wants to see as a girlfriend, day after day. He likes blonde hippie chicks. I'm a cyber-punk girl with jet black hair. Different world views, different expectations. I can't take it personally. It would only make me feel worse about myself, and I don't need that. Somewhere out there is the right person for me. As long as I keep that in mind, any guy who turns me down is doing me a favour, by keeping himself out of the way of me finding the right guy. When someone turns someone down, 90% of the time this is what it's about. The right person will not only not reject you, but you'll be good for each other, and both of you will know it. Don't settle for less. I know it's hard, when you're lonely, I'm there now. But I'm just trying this approach, because I've made enough mistakes due to momentary desparation.

Hi Shy, He was, like, totally defensive. And if someone is so obviously conflicted, that right there is a clear indication that, "DON'T GO THERE" is the big red sign posted on the barbed wire electric fence, which this man has surrounded himself with. I'm sure not going to push the issue. He says he's not interested, and maybe this is such a good thing. Somewhere out in the big world is the right man for me. Probably in some dusty library in Britain, Argentina, or Czech Republic, dreaming revolutionary dreams. I'm so tired of non - committal weirdness and fear of relationships. Somehow, in other countries, people think that it's normal for human beings to need love. America is too harsh of a place sometimes as concerns that. Seriously. My European, and South American friends all expect to get together with someone, and stay together. All my American friends expect to get together with someone, and eventually break up, it's just a question of when, how, and who does whom the dirty first. Sad but true. America can be such a great country, but the man-woman hate thing has got to stop. It's such BS.

I feel like a real jerk. Somebody I thought really liked me, acted as if he did, but gave me mixed signals, just told me that all he wants to do is play in a band with me, doesn't want anything more. Now, I really liked this guy, but there was always something not quite right. Of course, he told me this by email, and naturally, I defended myself, by saying "What a ridiculous notion, there was nothing that I ever wanted more out of you than just being bandmates and buds". I do have some self respect. So, in one way, I'm really relieved, and in another, I feel rejected in a major way. Oh well. At least I know whazzup now.

Hey, I feel for ya, sister, I know what it's like to be so down. Lately I've been going through some "Stuff". It concerns a guy, among other things, and now it's all messed up and hopelessly confused. I have decided that I'm just going to walk away from it all, and let the whole thing go. But I've been real sad about life lately, feeling lost, hopeless, and terribly depressed at times. Occasionally I look at what's going on here and wonder "What am I doing all this for?" Not considering suicide, or any of that, but wondering if I've made the right career decision, with the right people, do I want to move somewhere else and start over? etc. Geographical cures don't solve anything, though, and I know that no matter where I go, there I am. So, I'm just taking things one day at a time, trying to keep my head above water, and trying to be confident that everything will work out for the best. I have to remember that life is good times, as well as not so good times, and just take things as they come. I hope you feel better soon, going is tough sometimes, but if you hang in there long enough, it gets better.

Hiya 8) Becky, you have just encountered a very popular scam, which is rampant among 800-900 number fortunetellers, as well as those little booths that pop up along the road for a while, then disappear 6 mos later (wonder why?) I am also a Wiccan Witch. (Merry Meet, Faeriechyld!) What Faeriechyld told you is absolutely true. There is a strict code of ethics that most witches adhere to. Scamming innocent people does NOT fall under the heading of proper ethical behaviour. In my city, there was a fortuneteller posing as a witch, who was using the very scam you described, with several variations. She told the client the curse had been put on HER, and that for $300.00 this "Witch" would remove the curse, using a "Special" candle, and crystals, bla bla. This information was disclosed during the course of a $10.00 card reading. The woman was suspicious, naturally. Now, my opinion on this, is that if the charlatan was a real psychic, she was sure to see the bunco squad in her future. That's exactly what she got. The woman went to the police, the fraud was arrested and charged. Rightly so. These people make the rest of us look so bad. I'm a tarot/psychic reader too, and when something like this happens, it reflects poorly on us all. Yes, I charge people a modest fee for my time, in giving a reading. But, if someone doesn't have the money, I'll give them the reading for free. If the client is truly dissatisfied with the reading, I won't take their money. I never accept payment until after the reading is done, and the client is completely happy. If I ever came accross a person who had been affected by a curse, (and this is TRULY a rare situation) I would do everything I could to help them rectify the situation, FOR FREE, and better yet, encourage them to learn more about all this so as to be able to utilise psychic self defense, or dissolve any curses placed against them by themselves. I feel that ethics are necessary for anybody with any serious involvement in the practice of magick of any kind, because the forces one is working with are extremely powerful, and the ability to be tempted into misuse can be great. This fortuneteller you had experience with is, in my opinion, a total scam artist, and I hope you didn't give her any money. People like this prey on other people's confusion and pain. She should be reported to the the police if possible. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I also agree with the advice to seek counciling for your marital problems, spells won't solve the problems, and in fact, could serve to make things worse. Please consider therapy, marriage councilling or mediation/issue resolution workshops to try to find out what's at the heart of your unhappiness. These means are much more effective than spellwork, especially if you don't know how to use magick.

Hi there 8) I know the feeling of having doubts about AA due to what I perceive as the religious nature of the meetings and philosophy. I also think that in different areas of the country, there may be a different vibe, or tone, to the meetings. I'm concerned that I have a drinking problem. If I drink, I don't always get drunk, but sometimes, I do. I'd say, about twice, or three times a year. As they say in AA, it isn't how often you do it, it's what happens when you do. And, I get in some weird kind of trouble when I get drunk, usually. Then, of course, there are the endless recriminations the following morning, embarrassment, shame, all of that. The problem I've encountered in AA is basically the religion thing. I know that people say "It's about spirituality" Bla bla. But, I don't feel comfortable in AA because My spirituality is strongly alternative. People's fears and ignorance about my particular religion/spirituality seem to overshadow the principles of AA. I got really worn out fast, going to AA meetings and hearing people talk about "The Man Upstairs". I never knew that balding slob in the apartment above mine was God. Gee. I feel really left out at the AA meetings I've gone to, precisely because of my strong views regarding the nature of Divinity (Goddess AND God, more reflective of the presense of the divine within each and every one of us). And even in the 21 century, many people have decidedly unprogressive ideas when it comes to alt religions. In my area, AA is overwhelmingly Christian based. And lately, it seems that there is a conservative Christian agenda to eradicate certain other faiths. Like mine. I'm Pagan. Some program people really get ripped about that, and their fear and loathing goes deeper than "Principles before Personalities". Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of great people in AA. It helps a lot of folks, and should be considered as the first line in any suspected alcohol addiction situation due to several factors: 1~It's free. Donations are encouraged to help keep it going, but NEVER forced. 2~ It's widely accessable. Lots of meetings, and at all different times of the day. In some places, there are late night meetings too. 3~It works if you relate to it. The problem I find, is that I'm falling through the cracks. I've looked at the MM section on this board (Moderation Management) and took the dependency quiz. I scored low, based on current drinking habits. I'm confused now, because I answered the questions honestly. I feel like a messed up freak lately, because of this. So, now I don't know where I fall, and have a lot to think about. Good luck to you, I hope you are able to get it together, I'm sure trying to, and it isn't easy.

This doesn't sound good, man, for either one of you. I wonder if you're feeling more thana bit guilty for your behaviour with that other chick, even though it's long over, and you can't stand the fact that she's doing to you what you did to her? If you look at it, you did do it first. I don't think it's a revenge thing at all, but as a girl, I can tell you this~ If I were with a guy I loved, and I found out he'd slept with some other chick for any reason, rebound or not, I'd seriously wonder if I ever meant all that much to him. To your credit, you did it when you guys were broken up, that's much better than doing such a thing and still being together. But it seems as if somewhere along the line she's lost respect for you, and it's sort of a "Well, he did it, so how can he get mad about what I do" sort of sitch. She also might be a little afraid of you, because you're going through her stuff all the time, checking her accounts, following her around, and all that. Sorry, dude, but that sounds a little like it's going over the edge into possible stalker teritory. But I also know how you feel, because if she's cheating, she'll lie and you have no other way of finding out what the hell is up, and nobody wants to be a stoodge. I went through that with my ex BF, He was a cheating liar, and the only way I found out, besides gut feelings and stupid mistakes on the part of himself, and the girls he was cheating with, was by doing the amateur detective thing, because he sure wouldn't give me a straight answer. He wanted it all. Me, them, the whole enchilada. But I didn't feel good about myself when I was doing it. We broke up, eventually. Even though it hurt, a lot, our breakup was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. You may want to do this too, since it sounds like a no win situation here. Just try to be nice if you can, if you do break up with her, believe me, it'll be easier on you.

Thanks for posting that empowering poem, man. It helps me to feel better about being myself, that's for sure. Things are sort of dark for me right now, that poem is a ray of light.

Hi Shy, Hey, thanks for the advice you gave me on my other post 8) Concerning personal ads...I've never had, or heard of, a positive experience there. Why? Because too many times people misrepresent themselves in those things, on purpose. I've heard of cases where the ad writer was in fact, an emotional predator in disguise, waiting for a victim. Conversely, if you write one, someone lurking about may see you as fair game, and God knows what you'll get. In my opinion, it's risky. Sometimes risk can be exciting and fun, but sometimes, it's more trouble than it's worth. Instead of the personal ad route, may I suggest activities which you really like, that have hobby clubs or something similar attached to them? I've been looking into that myself. I like outdoor stuff, so I've been investigating local hiking clubs, and things like that. Going out to pubs was an obvious failure (!) for me, and if I go out to shows now, the rule will be...no beer. Anyway, I have to expand my social circle, and this is a good way to do it. Also, make friends with the guys where you work. If you're in school, it's easier. Question: Are you an Yank who's now in the UK, or a Brit in the USA? Even though we're a lot alike, there is a subtle cultural difference.