Helpmetoheal

I wanted to go to you last night, it was difficult to stop myself, but I did. I know I will be seeing you on Sunday night. I have to really think about this and make sure I stay strong and handle myself properly. Honestly, all I really want to do is apologize to you and ensure you don't really think I am the psycho I heard you were calling me. I have done some pretty effed up stuff since the BU that I am not proud of, but I was hurt beyond hurt. Seemed like good ideas at the time, everything backfired. I just wanna get on it with things, move forward. Living in the past is killing my spirit. Maybe one day you will see me better than this and who knows what could be in store for us. Is it wrong to think like this? Its just a hope, I know I can't make things happen. If I could I wouldn't even be writing here right now. I still love you, but not in love with you.

Day 7 - he tried to call me 10 times yesterday. I did not answer. He then sends a text that I should be a big girl and answer the phone. Nope, not happening. What have I learned? That when I do speak to him or have contact I feel utterly crappy for the next few days. I am tired, I want my life back, my new life. Leave me alone, you got your wish. We're done. Pray that I can find another place to live and soon, having you be 5 doors down makes me ill. Can't wait to get away with the kids up north for a few days.

Wow I just checked my phone to make sure I get the number right.... 10 times you called me yesterday. How does it feel to have someone ignore you? I think I have a pretty good idea. BTW, your text made me laugh "You asked me to call so I'm calling. Now be a big girl and pick up the phone" Takes a bigger girl to ignore you! Keep waiting, keep wondering. They say there is a fine line between love and hate and I'm definitely teetering on it right now.

Hey "L"... so now I am the psycho ex-girlfriend? LMAO just part of my charm little man! If only you were half as smart as you pretend to be. How are things looking on the relapse front?

Day 7 - You texted me last night, I ignored it! I heard through the "grapevine" that you now refer to me as your pyscho ex-girlfriend. Say what you want, we both know the truth. If calling me names helps you get through your day while you are turning into the douche of the century then play on little man!

I walked a mile for you and you wouldn't even take a step for me! I think I have turned a corner here. You are on my mind less and less. That gut wrenching ache that I used to get when thinking about us is gone (thank the lord)! When I do think about you now, I remember some good times but then I quickly flash to the cold hearted, insulting way you cut me out of your life. You know what "L"? You were right about some things: 1. I will find someone better than you 2. I don't NEED you 3. I am smart, strong and wonderful and too good for someone like you! You blew it BIG TIME buddy. No contact is working and I'm feeling better each day. I read people posting that in the early days (2 months ago) and was sooooo jealous, thinking I would never be able to get there. Quelle surprise, its happening! I packed up the rest of your crap you either left here or gave to me as a gift. Seeing it was making me sick. Its in a bag by the front door and someday it will end up on your front porch. I don't need anymore reminders of you. Its been helping me to make small changes around my home, new curtains, moving furniture....it helps. That way I can't visualize you being here anymore. I've lost 25 pounds, exercising and taking care of me for a change. I can't believe I was dating a 33 year old child who didn't even know how to make his own damn lunch for work! Even my seven year old can do that! You suck! I think you used me for a couple months and it hurts slightly. Used me for money, rides (because you lost your license because you were a drunk and an addict), food, and whatever else you needed. I can't believe I even bought you that stupid computer game! Oh well, now you have the game but no computer or internet to play it.... HA HA HA! Almost 6 months of sobriety for you eh? Almost time for the relapse. I can't wait! You'll be on your own this time and I will be in the front row watching with a bowl of popcorn! Enjoy!

Why can't I stop thinking about you? Get out of my thoughts and leave me alone, this is torture! ](*,) I have been through enough.

After everything I still miss being able to share my thoughts with you. I miss knowing what you're doing and how you're feeling. Its 2 months to the day since our break up. How did we get here "L"? With time and space I have been able to reflect on our relationship and what happened is making sense. I wondered how I could have so dilluted. I see now that the break up wasn't out of the blue for you. You had been thinking about it for some time and finally found your "courage" for lack of a better word to tell me. I look back and can actually pin point the time when things changed for you. Hind sight really is 20/20. I wish you would have talked to me about it then. Maybe things would have been different, but I don't think so. Maybe if you had told me about then I would be healed by now. But you didn't and I am not healed, far from. But further along than I was and I am thankful for small things. I definitely see the benefit of NC even though I haven't been very successful at it. Its a constant struggle. This forum has been invaluable to me, I find hope in other people's posts and comfort in knowing that I am not the only one going through this. Nobody wants to the feel rejected and alone. Strength in numbers, this too shall pass!

I just wanted to say sorry, you know the truth now. I don't blame you for being angry. Its my fault and I accept that. Perhaps now I can truly let you go. For some strange reason it will be easier for me, I know that you hate me now and there is no chance in hell for us. I'm sorry I played with your emotions, I guess we're even now. I don't want to be here anymore, I am going to sell my house and start fresh somewhere else in the city. May take some time but I can avoid you for the time being. I hope you will forgive me in time, the decisions I made and things I did were only coming out of love for you. I know it doesn't seem that way to you right now, but maybe with some time you will at least understand. I truly thought we wanted the same things, I was clearly wrong and the breakup is starting to make sense for me. Please don't hate me for too long. I still love you.

Simplyme01: We were together for almost 2 years. We live on the same street about 5 houses apart from each other, which was awesome when we were together. Awesome is not the word I use to describe it now, NC is a challenge unless we both decided never to leave our houses again. If I had to guess the longest we have been in true NC was maybe 10-15 days.

Another Friday, another weekend just around the corner. I used to look forward to the weekends. Now what do I have to look forward too? Wondering where you are, who you're with. It will be 2 months since the since the BU on the 7th. In some ways it feels like a lifetime ago and other times it feels like yesterday. I still hurt, but I am doing better. This is becoming my new normal. I really wish these urges to contact you and the strong hope/desire to reconcile with you leaves me soon. I am getting tired of carrying this burden around.

I used to be amazed at how loving and caring you were. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. Funny, now I am amazed at how cold and unfeeling you have become towards me. You broke me into a million pieces. I did nothing wrong, the break up was not my fault, you readily admit it, you broke up with me remember? "I don't see a future with you" is what you told me. I got the message loud and clear, you don't love me anymore! Do you think its helping anyone for you to speak to me the way you do? I try to keep it light, be unemotional and then you have the nerve to get all defensive, point out that its obvious I don't want to talk? I can't win here! Its also becoming clear that I am better off not speaking with you. Trust me, after this medical issue is taken care of there won't be any need. I appreciate you making the tiny effort to care, but its not enough for me. You just get all pissy and then say things like you said last night that make me feel worse about it all. Put yourself in my shoes for a moment, how would you feel? You're going in for surgery the next morning. I call you up to say "call me when its all over". Nice! You're miserable!

Good morning to you!

Moonchill: I have often thought about this as well. Good thing my ex doesn't have a computer! Glad to hear you are making progress, I feel slightly better as well. YAY US!!!!!

Thanks Janeiac, not planning on making this a lifestyle thats for sure! I feel a little better, ventured out yesterday for a few. Slowly but surely, steady on!

One of these days I will look back on all the things I helped you with and be proud of myself. But not today. This is a slow and painful process. I think I have made progress in the last couple of days. Your lustre of being the perfect man for me is fading and I know myself when that happens there isn't much I can do to get it back. So, sorry for your loss and you will be sorry. The day will come when you wake up and wonder where the woman that loved you unconditionally and gave you everything went? And then that day comes, she will be waking up with the MAN that already knew!

I hope you had a great weekend, I bet you did. Probably just pushed me right out of your mind and thoughts like you do so easily. How are you so cold? I could have never watched someone go through what I did on friday night without it having an effect on me. Guess it proves what I have been trying to ignore for the last 2 months. Good luck calling me tomorrow, and I know you will, you have to. One little piece of me left for you to "deal with" then you can run along on your merry way. Well guess what? I blocked your number, when you call you will hear this: "The person you are tyring to contact is not accepting calls from this number". Have a great time wondering, waiting and hoping!!! You deserve it! I'll show you who is not good enough for whom anymore. An old Elton John song comes to mind about now, you know which one hunny??? Thats right, "The * * * * * is Back!" I am who I am, I refuse to try to be someone else. So fasten your seatbelt its gonna be a bumpy ride. Oh yeah, I can still drive, sorry you lost your license you poor sick alcoholic!

I am struggling with the letting go too. I think I have turned a corner so to speak. Please let this get better!

Thank you Moonchill - I don't know how I am feeling, is there a numb stage? Thats the best way I can describe it. Just spent the last day and a half holed up in my house. I am hoping this is some kind of progress or just doing what I need to do. This is the only place I feel like I want to be right now.

@ Simplyme01, Janieac and Moonchill : do you have room for one more??? The last few days have been extremely rough for me. I have had contact, it was unavoidable. This is day 2 of NC now. I backslid terribly yesterday, doing all the wrong things. Somebody stop me! If there was a rock big enough for me crawl under and hide away from the world I would be there. This is the only place I feel any sort of friendship or compassion. I stayed in bed for an extra two hours this morning in order to reduce the amount of time I would need to be awake. How sick is that? How sick am I? Its getting harder to see the good things I do have in my life. I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, clothes to wear, 2 children who love and depend on me, yet I feel like the lonliest most broken person in the world with no way out. If this doesn't get better soon I might have to start posting in another thread. His words keep replaying in my head "You're a strong woman, you'll be fine". He only says this to me to minimize his own guilt. You have nothing left for me and its obvious. You don't care what happens to me anymore, you just want it all to go away! You might get your wish.

I bet you just went on with your day like nothing happened. Probably laughing it up, seeing how much pain I was in. You must be a really sick individual. I thought you had a heart. This is mean but I hope someone does this to you one day. Multiply that by 100 and thats what you've done to me! You went from one addiction to another, talk to God you tell me, he won't let you be alone. You are such a hipocrite! At least you don't do things half assed huh, when you were a drunk you gave it 100% and now this new found love of God, well good luck with that! At least I am honest with myself.

You saw me dying inside and breaking down in front of you, I begged you not to leave me alone, yet you turned around and walked out AGAIN. How can you just walk away??? How do you live with yourself? I hope you didn't sleep all night like me. I hope it consumes your every thought today, I hope you feel as ill as I do then maybe you can begin to understand how I feel! NC starts again, one step forward, three back story of my life!

So many things I wanted to say to you last night, but I didn't have the courage. Ok, maybe courage is not the right word. I wanted to tell you that I have missed you and our life together with every fibre of my being. I would do almost anything to get us back. You looked so good, its like the time apart was melted away in an instant. I know things haven't been perfect for you since the split, they have been god awful for me. I wanted to ask you if you had even an ounce of hope for you and I? I guess its best that I not ask you and only say it here. I don't want to push you away. I would love to hang out with you again. I want you to see the progress I have made, tyring to move on without you in my life. Am I doing these things for the right reasons though? I suppose it will help me regardless of the outcome. I need to fight this urge to contact you again so soon. I don't want to spend my day disecting our conversation and reading things into it that aren't really there. But I know you so well still. I am going to pretend I didn't see you looking at me like that. Today is going to be a struggle.

Thank you Moonchill and Janeiac! I am now seeing for the first time that this is progress and there is a sense of relief, as little as it is. Just to update you, he did eventually drop in for a chat last night. I guess he tried to text/call about cancelling the night before. I had changed my cell number the day after the BU in order not to make myself NUTS waiting for a call in those early days. I have since learned that he tried to contact me a few times at my old number. We had a really pleasant talk last night. I tried to keep it light and show him that I have been trying to move on as best I can. I need your help today ENA'ers, I don't want to spend my whole day going over every look, hanging on his every word, trying and hoping to read something into them thats not really there!

Yesterday I finally felt like myself, the first time since the BU 6 weeks ago. Then it dawned on me, I was only feeling this way because you agreed to meet with me later that evening. The thoughts of us talking quietly, calmly, and working everything out. I would straight up ask you if you would give me another chance. Now here I am today, right back to where I was before. You didn't show up as planned, didn't call or text. It friggin sucks "L". Why am I so attached to you? In the back of my mind I knew I was fooling myself, but I felt so damn good all day in hoping things would be "normal" again after we talked. Just another inidication that I am nothing to you anymore. How many more clues to do I need before I get the hint here??? A blimp with a banner over my house? A billboard? A singing telegram ""L" doesn't love or want you anymore" fa lala la la!!! I dunno, maybe that would work. Maybe I just want to feel something other than the way I have been feeling for the past 6 weeks, sometimes I think anything would be better than this. I sent you a text about an hour after you were supposed to be here, asking if you still planned on getting together. No reply. I am not going to try again, I have nothing left. Just about at rock bottom here. The ball is totally in your court (as usual) and you know that it irritates the heck out of me! FML!