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Everything posted by Helpmetoheal

  1. Thanks Moonchill! I did it! I resisted and you seem to know him well LOL He would be saying that exact thing with that stupid grin! Yay me, day 21!
  2. As the title of this thread states its a NO CONTACT CHALLENGE. I need some help to endure this challenge. Its been 3 months since break up and 20 days strict NC. Its Friday, I am restless and I want to contact him. I want to get together. Somebody stop me!
  3. Day 19 - "L", its been 3 months exactly since the break up. I wonder if you realize it? The last couple days have been hard for me, I have had this overwhelming urge to contact you. Just something simple like a text asking you if you would be open to getting together to catch up? But, I have resisted. I am still fearful. Fearful I may be rejected once again, fearful that you are not the same person that left me 3 months ago. The hurt I have been feeling for so long is subsiding but being replaced with emotions I cannot put into words. I am glad I have this safe place to let it out. Best part is, it doesn't have to make sense to anyone but me!
  4. Day 17 -NC works! I fought it and fought it ](*,)(stubborn I know) but I need to learn things the hard way, always been like that. In 2 days it will be 3 months since the break up, when you ripped my world apart. I wonder if you are counting the days? I get the feeling you are starting to miss me (or the comfort of me). Just little signs I pick up on. But I guess its not enough for you to want to try to reach out to me. I am strangley ok with that. You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have! I am sure you saw me the other morning when you left your house. I heard a door slam, looked over and there you were. But whats weird is that YOU were looking directly at my place. I was out there first! In no way was I "waiting for you" "stalking" or "casing". Us living so close used to be a blessing, now its more of a cruel joke. I just put my head down, turned around and went back inside. Were you going to wave? Acknowledge me in any way? I D K and truly don't care. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, I am going to do my best not to run into you. Its better this way.
  5. I am not sure what to do with this new information, laugh or cry? Let me think about it for a second....ok its a huge LMAO! Calling an adult massage place? How desperate are you? LOL Guess your not seeing someone, good. You made your decision live with it "L". We always had a fantastic sex life, guess thats all your missing is it? But at least you're not reaching out to me for it. I guess its not as expensive as it would be if you decided to try and get our relationship back. You know I would charge you full price (I want it all, living together, being a couple, etc.) not just the physical part. And thats something no amount of money can replace. You might have lots of money burning a hole in your pocket, but you have been emotionally broke for a long time. Shame.
  6. I still miss you despite everything. I still wonder what you're doing and who you're spending your free time with. But I accept that I am not part of your life. It hurts but its getting easier. I really think I have turned the corner in my healing. Not like you care, I wish you did. I would love it if you contacted me, but I won't contact you.
  7. Sunshine: Day 14 for me. I couldn't have said it better myself! I am still thinking about him but the desire to contact him has been replaced by fear. Its easier thats for certain. I know that when we do see each other again we won't be the same people. I have heard from mutual friends thats his life has changed 100%. No smoking, no drinking, working out, going to church (all of these things would have been laughable to him six months ago). I am sure he is the same person I fell in love with at heart, but this is what he wants now. Like you, I accept it is out of my hands even though I resisted for so long and tried to make things change (nearly 3 months post BU here). I want to keep up strict NC and see what happens down the road. I would have never said this 3 months ago, but maybe I wouldn't even want us back after more time has passed. We will both likely be two different people. Time will tell.
  8. You have me really confused after the stunt you pulled yesterday. I won't call you on it though. Just please leave my children alone. If you have a question ask me, don't approach their friends or them for anything. You know where I live and you have my number. The first one is a freebie, the next time it happens, there will be consequences for you. Does the word probation mean anything to you? Remember, you're the one who called me psycho!
  9. "L", whats your deal???? Heres the situation. We live on the same street. My children are out playing and enjoying the mild weather (as they have every right to do). I have told them both that if you ever talk to them to just ignore you. So what do you do? You see my daughter's friend coming down the street to meet up with her. You call out to her, ask her where my daughter is because you have to talk to her? YOU DON'T GET TO ASK MY CHILDREN ANYTHING OK?? Leave them alone! If you have a question, nut up and ask ME! All you managed to do was scare poor Lilly and make my daughter fearful of you (she wasn't before). What could you possibly have to ask a 10 year old? You wanted us out of your life and you got your wish. Can't have it both ways my "love". Just another reason to fill out a rental application somewhere else. Thanks
  10. Not really sure what day of NC it is, I'd have to do some work with the calendar. I think its day 11. I saw you last night, pretty sure you didn't see me. Who was dropping you off? A new friend? AA sponsor? I know it was a guy and I did have a little sigh of relief (stupid stupid stupid how I should care). Living so close to you has been really painful for me. My plan is to make myself really scarce, I don't want to run into you. I want to make you miss me, wonder about me, just a little would be enough! I am pretty safe during the day as you will be at work, I can go about my business. I got a new lead on a house today and I hope it works out. I can't do this avoidance thing forever. You have really changed my life, I don't whether to thank you or punch you yet!
  11. I really want to make things right with you but I know you will think I am still stuck on you and "holding you hostage" (your words). I need to heal, I am tired, depressed and angry a lot of the time. Please leave my thoughts and let me pick up what pieces of my life I can salvage.
  12. You're gone. I know you have some idea of what you've done to me, but you're selfish and you don't care about anyone but yourself. Yet, I am the stupid one because I would take you back in a heartbeat if I could. This break up has really damaged my self esteem. I was happy while we were together, I mean truly happy. Its gone and I am so broken and empty. No job, no friends, nobody I trust and I have a front row seat to watching your new life unfold. I hate it here, living on this street with you. If it was just me I would pack everything I own and leave. But I have children and they need stability, they have friends and go to school and I can't uproot them again. I feel so trapped and nobody gives a shyt about me, unless I have something they want or I can do something for them. FML and FU "L" !!! I know I sound like a victim right now but it is what it is and thats how I feel! I have run out of ideas, I don't know whats next for me.
  13. I thought I should come here again as I am really fighting the urge to reach out to you. I think it might be okay, but if its not, I don't want to take a step backwards. Any progress I gain is welcomed. I have been thinking about you non-stop it seems for the last day or two. WHY???? When will these feelings go away?
  14. Robin2904....when I read your posts its like I wrote them myself! Scary. It is nice to know that I am not alone with my thoughts and fears etc. HUGS back to you!
  15. It was very difficult for me not to contact you yesterday. Not sure why, I have been doing better. I found myself thinking up different scenarios that I could use to contact you without seeming pathetic. I had a few good ideas, but I didn't give in. I did not contact you. The gut feeling has returned and I won't ignore it this time even though it hurts so much.
  16. Sounds like we are in the same place and time frame Robin2904! The only thing different is that I cried myself to sleep at 9:30 instead of 7:30pm. I feel everything you are feeling! Sigh I have that "gut" feeling again, the same one I had three days before you broke up with me. This time that feeling is telling me you have found someone new. I have learned not to ignore that gut feeling, its always right. But what can I do about it? Nothing. It hurts me so much. I supported you through your battle with alcoholism, rehab and recovery. Three months of sobriety and you don't need me anymore. Great. I get all the shyt and some new chick gets the new and improved you? How freakin fair is that? I guess I don't deserve a whole person, only a broken alcoholic? Thats how you are making me feel. Used, betrayed, broken, rejected, unworthy, unloved. Do I need to go on???? I hope you're miserable with your new woman. You probably won't ever tell her all the crappy mean things you did to me while you were an alcoholic and drug addict. She'd run for the hills! I wish I would have. Keep lying to her, lets see how that works out for ya!
  17. L, this is for you: The scars of your love remind me of us They keep me thinking that we almost had it all The scars of your love they leave me breathless I can’t help feeling We could have had it all
  18. I just miss the way we were together. I wish you did too. Its clear that you don't. Why is this so hard? Finally that gut wrenching ache has gone away, but it leaves me with emptiness. I am jealous that you are living your life and I have to start all over again with nothing but pain and feelings of rejection. It hurts. Its been the longest 10 weeks of my life. I hate the fact that I still feel I would take you back no questions asked, but it will never happen, you won't let it. I am so tired of feeling like this that I would be willing to accept any little scrap you would throw my way. I know I deserve more than that but where is it?? When will it be my turn? I am always waiting. Pathetic but true.
  19. I am glad you are feeling so good! Gives me hope to be able to get where you are!
  20. The week away did me a world of good! I still miss the way we were, but I know its in the past now. I am tired of feeling depressed and rejected. It ends now. I have every right to be happy and to be loved by someone who is able to love me. You can't love anyone, not really. I am done with hiding, you will just have to deal with the fact that I live here too. Thanks for taking care of the dog, cya around!
  21. I am leaving today for a few days. You know this as you are taking care of my puppy for me. You looked delicious last nite when you came by to get him. Is it possible to love someone and hate them all at the same time??? I think I just hate that we cannot be anymore. I feel like its you, well it is you. You dumped me. Told me you didn't see a future for us. After 9 weeks it still hurts like hell. I am glad I won't be able to obsess about your comings and goings for the next few days. I liked your new sweater, did you buy it? or did a new girl dress you up? What is this strange hold you have on me? I have been through a divorce 5 years ago and I never felt this way. The two years we were together were better than my 8 year marriage ever was. I am still clingling any shred of hope for us, I know this is wrong and I wish I could stop. Well, have a nice week with the dog. He will keep your secrets for you!
  22. Day 9- Yesterday really bothered me. I hate living so close to him. I notice if there are footprints in the snow leading up to his door, if he has picked up his mail or if the lights are on. I can't seem to stop myself. Makes me wonder where he is and what he's doing (and with whom). I am glad I get to go away for a few days tomorrow, being 2 hours away from here will definitely help the insanity. I know I have to see you tonite as you are going to take care of my dog, you love him more than you ever loved me. Oh well.
  23. "L", you shattered my heart into a million pieces. Sadly, I would still pick them up, put them back together and love you all over again!
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