NataNata

my heart hurts

God I miss you. I hope you miss me too. I hope you're not trying to get over me, I hope you're working on yourself for when we can get back together. But I don't know what's going on!! You would never tell me! I really hope you're doing NC for the same reasons I am, that it'll heal us somewhat so that we can get back together. I want to talk to you so bad but I'm worried you're sick of it, you always seemed frustrated with me and tired of it all. It's not fair though. I cry all the time over you.

Day 6. It's so hard. I have so much regret and I just want to call him so bad. I miss him so so much, more than I ever have before. Also it's only day 6 if I'm a purist, it's been 2 weeks with only 2 small contacts from him. It doesn't feel like it's getting easier. I cry all the time. I can't even trust myself to make small talk with strangers, I feel so shaky and on the brink. I love him so much. I wish he could recognize how flawed he was and how lucky he was to have me. I know how lucky we were to have each other, I don't think I'll ever find someone as perfect but I'm worried he won't realize it until it's too late, when we're like 80. At least if we never get back together, I hope he spends the rest of his life regretting it. I'm letting myself be a petty crybaby right now.

I think I'm a better person now because of our relationship and even because of our break up. I wasn't open at all before our relationship and you were from the beginning. I'm sorry that I wasn't open at the beginning and you were so willing to be and it hurt you that I wasn't. I am so so sorry for that, you have no idea. But you have some growing up to do because that wasn't an excuse for your behaviour. You need to be able to figure out your feelings. I realize now that it was wrong of me to ask you to work on a relationship that didn't exist anymore. But you have to accept some responsibility for why I thought there was still a relationship. I know that the things you were doing/saying weren't just things that you would do/say to any other friend, I'm not going to argue or try to prove it to you (although ANYONE would agree with me), being able to recognize and admit to it is part of the growing up that you have to do. I think what was going on was that you needed some space but you wanted me to be there for you when you were ready. So you pulled me a bit closer but then when I would pull you the rest of the way, you would freak out and feel smothered because you needed space. So again, I'm sorry that I pulled you when I had no right to but you have to accept your share of the responsibility, it wasn't fair for you to pull me in if you weren't willing to be in a relationship. I have apologized for everything I did wrong during our break up and I am sorry but just because I've admitted fault doesn't mean that none of the fault lies with you, it does and you have to recognize that. I really wish things had gone differently with our break up, I want to be friends with you so bad. You're my best friend and I miss you so much. I want to be the one who gets to marry you when you do finally mature. I hope you don't forget about me. I know that I'm awesome and that you'll never find someone as perfect for you as me but I'm worried you'll forget that or dwell on the negative since you do tend to do that. I love you and I always will. I miss you i miss you i miss you.

Day 5 I'm afraid I'm gonna contact him! I can tell I'm a risk right now because it seems like a good idea to do it. Arg! I have crazy fluctuations, yesterday I was horribly depressed all day, today I was sobbing in the morning but felt better for the rest of the day until now. Other days I've been fine almost all day! Not that I don't think about him every second. It's really more like Day 13 with 2 minor contacts from him in the meantime. I'm not sure if it's getting easier. My insides hurt.

I want to contact him so bad!!!!! I want us to hang out again and be friends and then eventually get back together!!!! I can see it all happening in my head. I want it so bad. The hope seems so real in my mind. I want to know what he's doing, how he's feeling, who he's seeing. I have to stop thinking like this. Day 4

I was doing so good, yesterday was Day 6. I was beginning to see the light. Then he called and I answered like an idiot. I felt like I should because my mum was in a car accident and I knew he was calling to see if she was ok. My deluded self convinced me it was a necessary communication. It was brief, it seemed innocuous but now I'm reeling. I can't believe how much I miss him and I want to see him so bad. I was doing so good before! I missed him but there was never a real risk that I would call him or anything. Now I'm a wreck, I want to call him so bad. Soooo Day 1.

He called yesterday to confirm it was over. I should've been thinking like that when I dumped him 2 months ago. If I had taken the NC challenge then, I would be that much closer to recovery right now. So, Day 1.

Is it wrong to check my email obsessively in the hopes he sent something? I think I already know the answer...

Day 1 Sigh. We agreed to no contact 4 days ago and I emailed him yesterday. I just wanted to apologize because I think it's my fault we had to move to no contact in the first place. He hasn't responded so I will try to continue to give him space even though I really want to talk to him. Bah!