Strife

Oh man, you messed me up yesterday. And you opened my eyes to the challenge of living with you for the next year brings. I also realised that Even though you've done what you've done, I still love you. I'm not going to let on to that, I'm wearing my mask like you.

I've been doing okay of late. Not that you care. You're off galavanting who knows where, with god knows. And I'm okay with it. I've been working on my nonchalance, extending my natural laid back attitude into this situation that you have put me in. I'm so sick of walking into places, and being hit by wave after wave of depression, upset, being reminded of you constantly. I'm so, so sick. Don't worry, when you move in, I won't be around. I need more time away from you, and my God, do I need to psyche myself up, more than I have ever done before just to see you, and do what you do best; wear a mask. As far as you know, I'm okay, nothings wrong, and I'm better than I have been. I'm going to make you regret giving up on me. When you have to do all those things you said in that phone call, alone, without me, and your friends aren't there to cushion the emotional blows...that's my revenge. Not that I actually care anyway. You gave up on me, and you actually think that you are so amazing, so righteous, that you assume, I'll just give into your every whim, and do anything and everything for you? Think again.

God...was doing fine, till we had to go to the shopping centre. Just missed you and remembered us walking around it...I was so happy. Then I realised you hadn't text me back in 4 hours just to say thanks that I'd sent the money to your bank. Why was I even hoping for that? God I'm an idiot. I know you're going to be wearing a mask. I'm going to have to as well. For my own sanity. Why couldn't you just wait? Why couldn't you just hold out a little bit and see what happened? If I was that special to you? I want some damn closure. I want to know what the actual hell your plans are, seeing as you STILL haven't said anything. I'm going to make you look me in the eye, and tell me you don't love me, that you don't see us working, and then I can completely move on. Because this hope is still here, and I want it out.

I'm being selfish, I'm allowed to be...considering what you've done, and what you are clearly going to be doing. You don't like me being selfish do you? Or the fact that I'm clearly in control. You're going to have to deal with it, because next week, although I thought it was an even more uphill battle, I can make it an easier one. And I intend to. I'm not going to hope anymore. You've killed it. I deserve better, and dammit I'm going to get better...you'll hate it, and realise what you threw away. Self confidence has always been an issue, but I've grown to realise, that I can get a new girl, easy...i'm not hanging around or hoping that you'll realise your mistake. I don't come second to you wanting to get with everything that moves, including M. I'm done with you. I hate you. I love you. I'll kill this love if its the last thing I do. I don't need it. Its got me nowhere.

Well it's been two really good days thus far...I haven't had time to think about you, and when I have, it was but for a fleeting moment, and I felt nothing. Talking to KW has helped a lot. She knows you. And now she really knows you. Don't worry I didn't exaggerate or lie about the things you've done, like you do about me. Talking to her, has helped me, a lot. Although I knew I could do better, that I deserved better, I didn't want to acknowledge it. But now...I've felt better than I have done in a long time now, no thanks to you. This NC must be driving you nuts, your attempts to talk to me, a means of keeping me on your hook. It's not happening.

I felt like I was going to hurl, earlier, when you messaged me today. I froze and just stared at the alert on my phone, like a moron for 5 minutes. Today is day 12 of NC, or rather LC seeing as you've decided twice now that you needed to contact me. I can't tell if you miss me, if you just want some form of contact since I cut you out of my life. I've been talking to KW about you recently...it's nice, that someone cares, actually listens about my problems, I.e you. But please, stop contacting me, admittedly I wanted it at first, I wished so badly you would, but each time you do, it messes me up. I miss you, those recent pictures you unprivatized keep luring me in, just wishing I was there with you, together, happy. This is the hardest thing I've ever done, the hardest circumstance I've faced, but dammit, I'm going to see this through, I'll find the light at the end of the tunnel, and if you aren't there waiting for me, I'll just have to deal with it. As you always say, 'what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger'.

Please, please get out of my dreams...sleep is the only escape I have from you, and yet for a week now you have just shown up. Get lost.

We were just chilling in Mcdonalds, my family and my aunt and uncle...even though you thought you'd never fit in, even though you've never eaten with all of them, I imagined you there, sitting next to me. I seem to miss you at dinner. You really have messed me up again. I nearly caved, nearly threw away the (now) 10 days NC to text you that 'I missed you', then spent the entire car journey trying to twist any words you've said to me, to mean that you want to get back together in September. But thats messed up. I'd be coming second to M, and your desire to be single. I finished reading GPYB, and I'm going to take a lot of it onboard. I'm going to keep a journal, and I'm going to throw the teddy and card you gave me on valentines. It's hard...I wanted to keep them even though they remind me of you, of happier times you threw away for nothing, and left me to pick up the pieces. My first valentines card... I hope to God you realise your mistake, that you'll change like you promised, that I wont have to find someone/something else to fill this hole that you left. I'm moving on (or trying to) because I cant break NC and ask you if theres a chance, and because I deserve better than this.

Ok, so what exactly was the point in ringing me just now? My day was going pretty good, I wasn't thinking about you (for the first time, and it was bliss) and then my phone rings, a withheld number, and its you, telling me not to hang up on you. Uhmm...I've only ever hung up on you once, as a means of showing you what it feels like. You're the one who shuts me down, shows a complete lack of respect, I have to listen, listen to the constant put downs, the criticisms, being told time and time again how much I apparently hurt you. You have no idea. I just keep the things you do to myself, because I've learned that trying to get you to apologise doesn't happen. At least some good has come out of it. You killed a bit of hope inside me. And I'm actually thankful. So many times that you've crushed me of late, and instead of being disappointed, I'm just relieved; relieved that you just keep making me stronger. At least I know that you didn't delete my number, that you could have rang me, just to hear my voice, or text me to ask me how my day was. Your loss sunshine. I hope the single life is all its living up to be, because trust me, the day will come when you want to settle down, and you'll remember me, remember us and remember what we had.

So Karma threw a massive slap your way this week...you ruined my holiday, so karma just cancelled yours. That made me feel good. Hopefully it will somehow ruin the rest of your holidays like you've done mine - made it a living, constant hell. But we both know that it won't be Karma that makes your life hell: its your own doing. And I know you'll blame me, for not making enough friends, for making you feel isolated in our house. Thats your problem now... I just got off the phone with H, and she said that everyone could tell that I liked you more. She didn't mean to be hurtful, everyone's told me to move on, that you screwed me up royally the last 2 months. And even though you've treated me like dirt, justified it on every tiny thing I ever did against you, emotionally cheating, getting with your ex...I still can't let go, I still can't help thinking what if. But I'm going to destroy these feelings. We are going to have that talk at the kitchen table when we get back, even though you have 'nothing to say', I have plenty to say. I want you to tell me, that you never loved me, that you used me for my friends, my flat, and that there's no chance for us, for you to change like you lied to me 3 weeks ago. And with that, will mark a new chapter. I'm not going to stay on your hook anymore...its been you confused about what you want, not me, so here comes the ultimatum. I hope you choose wisely.

I admit I was doing okay, I was still thinking about you, but yesterday was a total curveball, last night was worse. All I could talk about was you, all I could think about was you. I fell asleep missing you, only to be reunited with you in my dreams, where everything was as it was; you were by my side again, and I was complete again. This distance, this time....I haven't slept properly in months, I feel like a piece of me is missing. Nothing gets rid of this pain, this hole you've left in my chest. The worst part of this is that this is the 'easy' part. The hard part is seeing you again and living with you. That's going to kill me, seeing you as the 'friend' rather than my girl. I just can't do this. I don't care if people have told me I can do better, that I deserve better...what if I don't want that? I know you can be better, that you're better than what you're so obsessed with being like your friends. I pray, that when we see each other, that you'll realise your mistake. I hope to God you do. This has been so hard, and yet you make it look easy. I wonder if you even miss me. Its been 8 days NC and it feels like an eternity since I last heard your voice, or heard my phone vibrate to one of your texts. I just can't seem to get over you. And I wish to a degree I could. It'd hurt a lot less. I still love you. I just can't seem to stop. Maybe one day I will. But right now, I'll bask in my own misery, while it rains outside, and I long for you to be here, cuddled up next to me.