mines

....so. I saw you yesterday. First time outside of work, since the breakup, my house, a hook-up. Your suggestion, but I was happy to comply. A friend came down pretty hard on me after, when I confessed. I know it doesn't mean anything to you....sure there was tenderness, and affection. But you don't love me enough to give her up. I knew that before our hook-up, during and after. I didn't expect anything to change. Honestly, I am just happy to have had some time with you and to have your kiss, feel you against me, things I never thought would happen again. I don't give a damn if it meant anything to you or not - because it meant something to me. As bad as this may sound, I only hope it happens again. Now baby, do you think I'm strong and amazing? Or do you see me for what I am, in love and weak and pathetic? I'm down with being weak and pathetic, lol....it's how I roll.

....I haven't emailed you in a week, I want to, right now, but I am writing here, instead. What would I say that you don't already know? Nothing new. I am trying to live my life, without you. I am trying to live a life of passion and vibrance; I am not going to allow your absence, to take away my zest for life. I am going to move forward, and I am going to achieve all my goals....I will be happy in my life. Your loss will not destroy me. It has slowed me down for 5 weeks, but that is a mere breath, in my life. No more....

Today, I finally, cleaned my house. It's been, how many weeks now since you left? 4, 5? Of course I've done little things here and there, the dishes, and cleaning the bathroom, I am far from a slob. But today I finally had the energy and ambition to clean it - top to bottom - a deep cleaning, and FINALLY stripped the sheets from the bed....those sheets you slept on your last night here I know, that borders on gross, right? Still, I haven't been able to do it. Fresh clean sheets on the bed now and I'm getting ready to drop these, into the washer....it felt so sad taking them off the bed, remembering when I put them on, knowing you were coming over later that night. I'm tired of feeling sad and hurt, I"m tired of missing you and grieving for you. Weekends are tough, but tonight I'm sitting here in my sparkling clean house, I'm stocked with wine and good food, and I'm barricaded in waiting for the big snowstorm that will hit tonight. I did my long run today, so tomorrow I can just stay warm inside and watch football and drink beer I still think of you, I still love you. But I accept that you are gone. Now it's time to focus on mySELF.

What can I say? No word has left gone unsaid, no feeling has gone unexpressed. Today you talked about the pity-sex....we both laughed about it. Truth is - I am so down for that. With you, I don't feel dignity to be necessary. One look in my eyes and you know I"m still (always) in love with you. Frankly, I hope you are truthful about that pity-sex...you are the best...I don't want anyone else. I want you. But I know you are not coming back. W/E. Life's a major b----.

...I was so busy today, both with work projects, and with talking to my friends (while working)....I noticed I didn't see you but I was too busy to be sad. You IM'd me that you were at the other office, not avoiding me, and then we had a chat for awhile. Meanwhile, I was chatting with another friend on IM, a guy who is interested in me. And, the office party was tonight, and there is another guy, who was there, who has told my friend he is interested in me. So, do you see my point? It's obvious, that SOMEONE wants me. Such a damn pity, it isn't you. You had a great thing in me, do you realize that? You would have been so well taken care of......

I'm trying to move on. I'm trying to convince myself that I can even be with another man. But then what do I do? Lol, I choke, just like my favorite baseball team, year in and year out. "Maybe next year" riiiiight. I cooked one of your favorite things last night, and yes, I get up, convinced I am going to move on, make a new life for myself, and what do I do? I prepare a container of leftovers, and take it to work, for your lunch. (can you say loser-ville?) Before I can even get my desk sorted out, I get an IM from you....you randomly choose to talk to me, on IM for the first two hours of my workday, then come to my office for a face-to-face, which is a nice chat, a bit long. Of course I enjoyed it, we were flirting and the hormones (and attraction) were obvious. How can I move on, when I want you so much? Why can't I see any flaws? I have guys coming out of the woodwork, who want to go out with me. I'm such an idiot....

I've been feeling a bit better, definitely stronger. I have some plans on the calendar, I'm going out (with a group of work friends) Thursday night, first time out since I first started seeing you!!! And, I'm making long range plans, an 8K in March, The Warrior Dash in September, the Marathon in October; I've committed to them, and I'm working on getting people to join me. My morning drive in, was pretty good, I'm excited about all my plans, and some new friends that I've made. But it's really hard, when you come through my office. Frankly, I love looking at you - you look like you just stepped out of GQ, and you still take my breath away. But, I get so sad when we talk, because the context is completely different. It never fails to remind me of the way we used to be together, and drives the knife in further, with each conversation. I thought I was supposed to be numbing to it by now, four weeks and counting of this crap. Yes, I'm strong and I know I can survive losing you. But I am angry that I have to feel the physical pain....it just won't go away. I almost wish you had never ever approached me when I started this job. Damn. I wish I could find some huge gaping flaw in you, something that could destroy this love that I have. Unrequited love is so freaking stupid.

..today I haven't checked your presence, here in the office. First day I haven't done so, immediately. Friday's count was over 25 times of obsessively checking to see if you're in the office, away, and for how long, and if you might be coming my way, etc. So today I decided to try NOT checking, and see how long I can go. I've been here 3.5 hours and I haven't checked yet. You have already talked to me twice today - maybe those are the only times, who knows? As always, it was lovely to talk with you, and I'll admit I took a small bit of pleasure in telling you about the guy-friend from our building here, who came and ran Saturday's 5K, because I had talked to him about it, and mentioned that he did talk to me, at the race itself. Your expression showed some interest at that, and a bit of surprise. I realize it's immature of me, to want you to feel a bit jealous, but I don't care. The fact is, he is your age or younger, very attractive, and perhaps does have some interest in me. I know you don't want me, but I also know you still feel a bit territorial.... You're entitled to your choice. And even though you know my true feelings about you, I'm still entitled to my dignity. Do not underestimate my strength.

Well, I finally did email you, about my race yesterday. Immediately after, I regretted it. I mean, seriously, why the heck do I bother? It's not like you really give a damn how I did, anyway, I'm sure you didn't once think of me after you last saw me on Friday. I really hate that about myself, that I can't at least PRETEND to you, that I've moved on. Sure, it would be lying to myself. But at least it would give me some dignity in your eyes.....rather than being what I truly am - pathetic, and longing for someone who chose to be with someone else. Really? I am so disgusted with myself. It pisses me off so much, that I, such a strong woman with so many things in life I want to accomplish, can't get over someone who gave me up so damn easily.

....12:51 pm, and you haven't come into my office to see me today I try not to check your 'status' to see if you are at your desk, or away (and maybe headed this way?) but I have checked.....too many times to say here, too embarrassed. (today I have kept count....oh my....not good) I leave work in three hours, and so do you. Now I wonder if you'll see me at all today and I can feel the physical pain in my chest, like a knife. I did really good this morning but as each hour passed I started to feel the anxiety build, my heart is racing now and then the pain came back, really sharp. Why can't I find something to focus on, besides you? I am sure you haven't thought of me, at all since yesterday. You talked to me quite a bit, yesterday and on IM too....and now, you've just vanished. I feel stupid and weak....I feel so immature, moping about like this, after you. I miss you and I need a fix, a few moments in your presence, to see your smile - because it's the only relief I get. One month today, I can't believe it. I've been in agony for a solid month and no lasting relief in sight.

Hey you. I'm at work, I can tell you are at your desk because I see you are online, on our IM indicator. I have only talked to you for two very short periods this morning, and I"m not sure I'll have any more time with you today. I can't help but remember that only a few short weeks ago, we would be talking away on IM while we got our work done; we did this throughout the day, everyday. It's so painful, that you rarely IM me anymore. I know - you broke up with me and went back to her. This is what breaking up means. I'm not dumb - I just miss you. I miss talking to you at work, I miss being with you, I miss everything. I wish both people in a relationship, would want to split, at the same time - or not ever split. Like the song says, "When a heart breaks, it don't break even." It hurts so bad to sit here and to not contact you. But the truth is, if you wanted to talk to me, you would.

I realized tonight, that I am nothing to you. Any sane person could have seen it long ago. But the truth is, I'm an idiot. I was just stupid to let you in close....meanwhile, what does that wisdom, actually procure for me? Nothing. I am here alone, missing you and crying, and yeah. You are with her and all is peachy in your little couple-world. Major fail. Major.

damn. you ruined my day. something in the way you looked at me, something in the way I know you know how I feel about you and yet you are so casual....like my heart doesn't beat every single beat just for you. I will miss you if you don't come in to talk to me at work tomorrow....but in the long run....I will be more sane. It stirs up my emotions when you come in, I want you and it's so friggin hard to stand there and smile and be your friend, when all I want is to be with you. I'm a major loser. Honestly. You made a choice to go back to her. Me, I mean nothing to you. I never did,.....did I? nah. quite sure of it.

....It was so sad talking to you at work today. I almost wished you hadn't come in to talk to me today. I felt worse, afterward. But I get really anxious when I don't see you during the workday, so I'm not sure what I want. I was doing pretty good - but now I just feel the pain come back in sharp stabbing wave, rather than the dull ache of the past two days You know how I feel about you, you know nothing has changed for me. I'm not good at doing the 'friends-thing', because I'm in love with you. I want things back the way they were, I want you back and this is so hard, I just feel overwhelmed and completely defeated. I'm a strong woman. If anything or anyone can be the death of me, it is you.

I miss you. I am strong and I will get through this. I can live without you. But, everything is less without you. I have good days and bad days but still, you are always at the heart of my days. That you choose to ignore, to discard, this great love i have for you, frustrates me, madly. But you are younger, you don't have the wisdom I've acquired (look where that wisdom got me, haha) (fail) I hope you realize someday, the magnitude of the love you walked away from. Not for revenge, not at all. But only because it might explain my actions better..... ah you. tonight I am quite drunk, (just trying to forget you even for a few minutes) and can't get you out of my head. Thank god I can write here, and NOT contact you...thanks ENA....

gosh, I missed you today. I ran my first race and it was awesome, but I wanted you there waiting as I crossed the finish line....I hated the Thanksgiving Dinner because you weren't there, and then I came home alone. Here I sit, alone, by choice. I could have a relationship, in a heartbeat, if I wanted it. But I only want you. A friend today told me it was not a rational thought, to not want anyone else- but instead - it was the heart thinking. He says in time I will think rationally again. idk for now it just hurts. and I just miss you and feel stupid, because you obviously don't want me.

...I don't understand you! Ok. We're broke up, I get it, you made it clear. You were compassionate, granted. You were respectful, kind, but, you made it clear we are done. So yesterday at work, we had a long conversation, a nice one. And you IM'd me when you got back to your desk later, and we talked for the rest of the afternoon on IM. I did NOT IM you. You IM'd ME. And you invited me for lunch on Friday, and I accepted. Today - you completely avoid me - I do not understand Very confusing. I am all set to run my 8K tomorrow - my first official race - and I should be all psyched up and revved - instead now I am crushed again and letting you take my power away. I'm such a loser. Fail.

Hi.....well, your vacation days are past and you are back to work. I was worried about all the dental work you were having done, I feel sad that you had to kind of stay indoors b/c it was embarassing otherwise, but today you look great, your smile is awesome. And I am happy you got it over with. But, even though I love the minutes you come and talk to me, I am very sad because the context has shifted. I find myself wondering why you even bother to come by - do you really like me as a friend or do you feel some sort of obligation? I would hate to be reduced to obligation. Anyway - you ended things, so there is no obligation. Then, I am very sad when you leave to go back to your office. And, as the day continues, I get even more down, because I know you are just a few hundred feet away, in my building, we are under the same roof but you are no longer sitting there thinking of me while you work. It's like one day I was very important and you talked to me constantly and thought of me all the time- and the next - you decided to focus on her and BAM your switch turns off just like a light. I wish you could turn my brain and heart off like that. I wish I could hate you or even, feel nothing for you. I make a little progress then it just falls away - and the pain hits me like a ocean wave - cold in my face - salty water in my wounds. How, I wonder, can you be so happy - while I am so sad?

I feel really crappy that you and her are all familied-up this weekend, doing all the fun fall activities, enjoying the lovely days we are having before the storms set in.... while I am sitting here alone on Saturday night, not even a friend on chat (probably have bled them dry during the needy-days of the breakup) I look around at my life, at myself, and wonder why it is that I am so easily expendable, why I am even here - I bring nothing to the universe and I get nothing from it. I find happiness and I lose it - yet you go on and get repeated chances, evidently, at happiness. I love you, and I do want you to be happy. But I also love myself, and I want to be happy and I deserve to be. Just trying to figure out why I have to lose and she gets to win? Life isn't fair, it sucks and I hate being here.

I miss you, I can't allow myself to dwell on the memories of us together, it was all too perfect and when I feel them starting to flood in....I have to refocus and jump to a safe place in my head, my running, my daughters, anything but you. You take up such a huge space in my house, your things are everywhere, I work with you, and we have spent so much time there talking.....I can't get away from you. You are on vacation for work, four days, and it's near end of day 2 and I haven't emailed you at the address you set up for me. What would I write you? That I feel the same? That I love you? How many times can I write the same words and how many times do you really want to read them? Truth is, you know how I feel about you and you chose to reconcile with her and give it a go. I wish you well. You love her more and I am 2nd and being 2nd major bites. I can't let this destroy my life. You will notice when you return to work that I look better, more like normal, and you will see the glow again. I won't be defeated. I'm a distance runner, I can put my pain into my running and I will only be stronger because of it.....don't ever think you could stop me. No one can.

hi beloved you talked to me twice today here at work. you tell me i'm strong and beautiful. i know you're just trying to take care of me. i don't want to disappoint you by giving up. i just don't know how to do this, give YOU up, find joy again withOUT you. i miss you, i love you, i'm so desolate without you

today is so hard monday morning, i know you are here in the office, i can see you on our instant message communicator, and i know you are on break-time now - the time you would usually come see me in my office i'm afraid you changed your parking area, so that you won't be coming through my area anymore. i have to fake smiles at work - but it's not working. i'm crushed and nearly broken and don't know how i can do this "i'm still alive but i'm barely breathing"

I miss you K. I miss you and I long for you. I love you and it's hard to breathe.

i am barely breathing i miss you and my heart is bursting open with pain and mixed up in that pain is all my love for you and all the devotion that i will always have for you i want to vanish - not from you but from the earth i love you so much, i don't know how i can take this pain not sure i will be able to withstand

you're not my ex. . .. you're my ''not yet'' my ''maybe never'' my ''hopefully'' my ''i'm not sure....'' you're my fwb - but you admit there is more than friends, more than bennies. . . . me, i am in love with you. it was not in our rules of engagement and i have not told you. i think you know. it's ok. you know i've done this too many times, traditional relationships. i don't want that anymore. i write here, because i don't want to tell you everything... i don't want to spill my gut, i want to keep some things, deep in my heart . . . .