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Posts posted by sadchick83

  1. But I'm not saying you should date. This isn't dating. I'm saying not to cleanse yourself with this sort of sexual interaction.


    Thanks Batya, then I would have to weigh whether I want to wait for a more suitable man, or cleans myself with the 23 year old. It is literally impossible to meet anyone here. I work in a closed office with 9 people, will be working 6 days a week soon. Tried Match, didn’t work for me. Haven’t had sex in 5 years, so yea, really want to get out of this rut.

  2. You’ve gotten plenty of advice but I thought I’d give some gen Z wisdom! My generation seem to be extremely sex positive as it is, and the advancement of tech means sex is accessible whether through porn or sexting (more so than it may of been for previous generations)


    It’s important to be safe regardless of age, if you’re going to share nudes through Snapchat or be intimate over FaceTime, you have the insurance of knowing both apps will alert you if any thing is screenshotted, screen recorded, or saved, so if you feel comfortable and confident, there is no shame in sharing a nude. As for his intentions, I think dating within my generation can be odd compared to previous generations, best thing to do is open up a discussion in person about where the relationship is going, especially with an age gap, for your safety literally and emotionally (gen z can be a bit evasive, if you open a discussion and feel like his answers are confusing, or give you absolutely no information, that may not be a good thing)


    There is no shame in an age gap! But every age gap has the potential to have started because of sexuality and fetishisation


    Thank you MC, this is great advice. How do you know if someone recorded FaceTime???? Is this indicated somehow?

  3. My suggestion is not to cleanse yourself by having this sort of arrangement -and if you feel like you need a fresh start/to cleanse there are so many ways to do that that can include dating and don't need to. I get stressed and anxious over this pandemic and overwhelmed and feel those needs too -yes I know not the same exact thing - but I know about pent up frustration/you've had it -being fried. I have go to ways to alleviate that which I figured out pre-covid when there were other stresses.


    Batya, I have tried to date, as old as 61 in my area. The issue is I live in a retirement-age area. Not abnormal to see folks with walkers and other devices. Not being critical, its just how it is here. There is simply no one my age here. The average age at my apartment complex is 80.

  4. I think you can do what you want because this guy is not under age or anything. But I don't think this guy wants to date you and his interest in you is only sexual. If he immediately began to send sexual messages and wants nude photos straight away, it's pretty clear what he's looking for. I don't think the age alone indicates that this guy is a horn dog, but his behaviour certainly does. If you're just looking for sex then go for it! But he's not into you for dating. I think maybe he sees you as an experienced older woman or has a fetish for older women.


    Yea Tinydance, I agree, it is basically sexual. Not sure if you have ever got out of a long term relationship, but sometimes you just want to cleanse yourself of your last guy. Have you ever felt like this?? My last put on a charade of being straight, but actually was a closeted gay. This hurt me for quite a while, but I’m over it now and want to move on. I don’t mind being the object of someones fetish, what’s wrong with that? However, I don’t want to be on some porn site or be disrespected.


    Covid times are tough times. I also, for a reason I cannot mention here, have been unable to leave my apartment for 2 years after 7pm (due to a noisy pet), so I have little social life. This sort of arrangement was actually in someways is ideal.

  5. HI sadchick , my first thought ..honestly ...what the heck are you doing in restaurants during a lockdown lol .... ( I am uk ) I didn't realise a pandemic would ever be the first thought on my mind !!!


    Look if you want a bit of fun , sex , a laugh then hell girl go for it ... he is your man ...and there is no harm in wanting to break out after the year we are all having . But long term hmmmm I was early30's when I had my daughter with a man early 20's and by God could I tell the difference . Now he is on his 40's and me 50's we are more equal in thought and behaviour but early 20's ...




    You find that odd and describe it as peek a boo ....so that alone ^^^ should tell you how different your thoughts are and how differently you view things .


    Pippi, I am in an area that allows outdoor restaurants, so not an issue. LOL, you are right. I am dating myself by using the term peek a boo.


    Jibralta: I am not planning on doing anything that can be recorded at this point. We had like one FaceTime that did something that was a bit smutty, but nothing crazy. And no, it is not worth the cost.

  6. Thanks for the responses. The last time I dated, either the pool of men were not doing this sort of thing (FaceTime) or technology wasn’t quite there. I can’t say I'm really looking to date him like I would someone my own age - I would not expect a 23 year old to cook dinner, be a shoulder to cry on after a hard day’s work and/or partake in more mature activities. But what should I do? Be a nun for another 5 years until someone saintly with a universal approval rate comes along? Not going to happen and very hard to do with COVID.


    My last LT relationship was with someone who was not sexual, who was closeted but needed a straight partner for his image. This was unbeknownst to me and a waste of 7 years. That ended a few years ago with no one since then. I don’t think it is normal to not have sex, so when this relationship presented itself, I initially thought no way, but am warming-up to the idea. Also, I should mention he initiates calls/hits on me, not the other way around. I am simply on the receiving end. This should reduce the creepiness factor somewhat as he is an adult and can make his own choices and pursue what he wants.


    I agree with the risk of posting things online. He is risking himself much more than I am as far as revealing activities.


    While I totally agree with what has been posted, I have been out of the loop so long that I am totally unversed when it comes to using one’s phone for nefarious activities. Is this foreplay? Is this how people start-off now?


    Anyway, I can shut the whole thing down immediately if I feel its getting creepy/risky, but that will be my call. I was more interested to know if this is is the norm for younger people, especially during the lock-down.....Thanks for your responses in advance.

  7. I am a 45 year old woman professional and in great shape. I recently met a 23 year old male at a restaurant that I frequent (he works there) and he has been pursuing me. At first I was bit freaked about the age difference, but now find him quite attractive.


    Im really out of the dating game, but want to check this guy out. My last relationship was with a man, similar to my age who is gay and has never come out.


    Im looking to have some fun and enjoy life while you can in these crazy Covid times. I find engaging with this man a little odd. Is this what 23 year old do? FaceTime for sex and play peek a boo show me what’s under your skirt? He’s a nice enough guy has manners ie hold door open, gives tons of compliments. But is the FaceTime foreplay normal? the guy works very hard, at one restaurant in the day and another one at night, 7 day a week, so most of our communications are on FaceTime.


    He also gets very flirty on the calls. Could someone please tell me if this is normal behavior for a 23 year old. Seems he want suggestive photos as well. Is this normal for Gen Z??? They also can’t really commit to plans or are shy about making them.


    Someone please educated me in the new normal.

    • Like 1
  8. Having gone through something similar, I can say your husband will be devastated. It will take him years to recover, and the thing is, there is very little support for the straight spouse. He gave you a portion of his life he will never get back. What you did was, sorry to say, selfish. Had he known you were a lesbian, it is highly unlikely he would have married you.


    I have not lived in your shoes so I cannot say why you decided to keep it to yourself, but if you truly are a lesbian, you need to tell him so he can get on with his life.

    • Like 1
  9. It’s going to take some time. Don’t worry about repeating the pattern, just try to survive hour-by-hour, then day-by-day and try not to think about being in a relationship at all for now. You need to work on yourself while you are away from your family and friends. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself to your favorite workout or little treats like bath and body products, a new novel or anything that can get your mind off of dwelling on this horrible person. Being alone in an unfamiliar area is not helping your situation, but from what I saw in another post is that you are stuck there for a while?

  10. Haven't read through the entire thread, so forgive me if I'm repeating something, but:


    1) If it was all left to you, it's yours. Your dad wanted you to have it. Period.


    2) $250K isn't a lot of money. Sure, it sounds like a lot, but it really isn't. After taxes, especially.


    This isn't about who works, who doesn't work, the church, and all that other stuff. It's your money. And it's really not a lot to even fight over.


    Unless your father gave away more than $5.5 million in his lifetime, there is no tax on his inheritance for him or you. What the poster mentioned is incorrect LOL.

  11. Personally, I would go back to Canada. To heck with being in prison due to him, the dog and work...at some point you need to say enough is enough.


    It sounds as though you have more heartache where you are than anything good.


    If he is gay then yes, he messed your life over and there is no excuse for that. Although you did say there was good times and love involved, so it's not all a sham.


    It sounds like you're going through a large amount of heartache and the worst of it, you've allowed yourself to be shut away.


    It really is up to you, but I would sincerely advise you to go home. There is nothing but misery there for you right now.


    This post nails it. I’ve still got some time on the lease I signed here and still paying for the lease in NYC...costing me a ridiculous amount of money. What irks me most is that he tossed me some money at the end and assumes that should fix everything - including the initial move to the US for which I gave up a pension, car, business, friends and a home I owned.


    Now I miss my Mom so much. She is in her 80s now and not being with her hurts the most. So that is why I cry, I gave it all up for a closeted man.


    If things don’t improve over the next few months, I will leave when my lease is up here.

  12. His 2nd ex wife signed one. I went back to Canada only for 2 months or so, I was pretty sure I would be taking the job in Florida at the time. I can go back to Canada, but 3 years of graduate school and 2 years of work in the US has me tied here for work unless I want to do something like work in retail or similar. It was the first time I ever actually point blank asked him. I had never brought it up before.

  13. Well, we had a fight...I questioned the gay thing, he instantly broke up with me - basically threw me and the dog on the street, but agreed to give me some money so I could get an apartment - if, and only if I signed the agreement.


    Not sure if you have ever lived/worked in NYC LH, but you have to make 90x your rent in income in order qualify for an apartment. Rent @ $3,500/month (studio) = annual income of $315,000.


    So I “had to” so I could keep my job and not become a homeless/unemployed person on a week’s notice.

  14. Wow..wasn't expecting responses like these. I'm just going to call a crisis group instead and get advice from there, I'm completely distraught right now. Thanks anyway.


    Mack, not sure what has gone on with ENA of late, but seems the “catharticness” has all but disappeared. I’m with you with this statement.


    Have you ever thought that your ex misses you, but not enough to actually get back together? So by meeting up with you, she kind of gets what she needs without any sort of commitment. Meanwhile, you are interpreting it as a chance of a rekindling of the relationship.


    I’m with the others regarding the video. Send a nice gesture like this to someone who loves you, not someone like this. If you absolutely need to speak to her, give her a call or meet with her, not something that can be saved forever. Also, I don’t think you are not really in a position to give her an ultimatum. However, if you must, and it is what you need to move on, you could just tell her, you are not really interested in friendship given your history and leave it at that.


    Sorry to hear this. Getting dumped sucks.

  15. When I first read your post, I thought (out of the 2 issues - dating co-worker/vaping and weed smoking), I thought you would have more of an issue with dating a co-worker. As far as the vaping habit goes, you could weigh all of your differences and if that is the only major, you could still date her and see where the relationship goes.


    Dating a co-worker is, in my opinion, much more dangerous and could cause far more contentious issues down the road. For example, how would you feel if you broke up and she started dating someone else in the office? This would really sting and likely would not be good for you professionally. I have seen this happen and it was not pretty.


    I’ve dated people who drink much more than me and its not the drinking per se that is the problem. It’s the addictive personality, disregard for their health, putting the addiction before the relationship, etc. that will cause issues. Now I am not saying she is an addict, but you get where I am going.


    See how it goes from here, but if she knows she is doing something you hate and actually advertising it, you may want to consider someone more mature.

  16. Thanks for all of your responses.


    First, I never meant anything to be derogatory. If any of you knew me personally you would know that it is not in my nature to insult people or be condescending in any way. The relationship was loving, but work stress, the death of his father, he was fired then re-hired, the decline in health of his mother put our sex life on the back burner. I truly loved this man, so I would not leave for lack of sex. I am one of those people who mate for life. If he became a quadriplegic, I would love him until death. Also, I thought at times it was normal. The last guy I dated was 28. This guy was in his 50s, so what the f did I know?


    At the moment, I am going through an extremely deep depression. Not sure what is going on with me and unfortunately I have basically no heath insurance at the moment and cannot speak to a professional. I made the mistake of moving for work so I am here in a small town with no friends, no family and my dog is having extreme separation anxiety, so I cannot leave my apartment without her going nuts (I signed something that says the dog will not be a nuisance or she will be confiscated - she goes to doggie daycare during the work week so basically from Friday night to Monday morning I cannot leave the apartment without her). I am basically in prison and going crazy rehashing this relationship. I’ve never felt so lonely ion my life. So, I came back to ENA. Many years ago, this site provided me with so much strength. It was 10x more cathartic than my therapist at the time.


    I also had to sign a non-disparagement agreement which basically means I cannot discuss the relationship with anyone except a therapist. I wish I could call a friend and talk about this, but I cannot. Very hard for someone that wears their heart on their sleeve. All of these stupid things are making me obsess about the relationship. Like why did I give up my life (initially) to move to him in the first place? If he knew he was gay, this is a complete BS move on his part. I sold my house gave up everything for a facade. To be a beard. OK, maybe I will never know for absolute certainty if he is gay, but like everyone on ENA, we come here for some answers, some clarity, possibly some dialogue with someone else who may have gone through something similar. Sue me if I fall in this category.


    Thanks again (sincerely) for your posts. I’ll try to work on myself.

  17. Thank you for your posts...even the tough love ones. I made the mistake of looking at something online a week ago and saw him with another woman. Even though the break up was a year ago, I feel worse now than immediately after it. All of the fun memories have dredged up from the back of my mind and are haunting my days and nights.


    The gay thing is something that has been with me for quite some time and would explain a lot. I never knew what a narcissist was until I came on Enotalone 8 years ago. The tendencies explained my then horrific break up and eventually the knowledge helped me move on.


    A break up with someone who is gay is complicated. First you mourn the finality of the relationship, then you still have to deal with being deceived. Not a lot of people have gone through the second portion of the eruption. While I appreciate the posts and opinions, I am 95% he is gay.


    I agree, it is not that simple.

  18. My husband takes SSRI’s and I have Zero sex drive since going through menopause so no. We have not had intercourse in over 3 years but we ADORE each other.


    But, I don’t think being a Catholic makes it harder than any other religion .


    You have a great relationship Seraphim. I admire that you adore each other. I would have had no issues staying with my ex if it was a medical issue. I agree that I should move on, but I kind of feel bad for my ex in that society won’t let him be his true self. If he was 10 years younger, maybe it would be possible.


    Also, when we were breaking up he tried to assign blame to the fact that we didn’t have sex, when in fact, it was always me initiating. He never brought it up at any other time during the relationship. Also, he came from a very strict Catholic family. Being gay would not be acceptable. Actually his father and brother beat him growing up...perhaps they suspected something.


    Believe it or not, there are a lot of folks that live closeted lives and wreck havoc on the lives of their spouses. Check out the site Straight Spouse if you are ever interested in the damage that can be done to those who are fooled.

    • Like 1
  19. Catholics are gay? What?


    Clean people are gay?


    My husband is obsessively clean and Catholic and loves to wear scarves. I can assure you he is not gay.


    Have you and your husband been intimate in the last 2 years?


    Being from a Catholic family makes it a lot harder to come out. I did not say Catholic=gay.

  20. He is a bit of a public figure that cannot come out. It would be career suicide for him. That’s why he leads a straight life and pays his exes not to speak. Why else would someone be paid to be quiet? Even my lawyer mentioned this was unheard-of and that he was hiding something.


    Basically as a woman, I could not make him happy, not me as a person.

  21. Using trite stereotypes as rationale for the breakup will not help you heal or move forward.


    Yes but knowing he is gay will help me move on and hope that he one day finds happiness with another man. If he came out I would support him 100%. Ever hear the quote: The truth shall set you free?


    Everyone on this site should just move on, but part of moving on is gaining knowledge that will eventually lead one to mental peace.

  22. I will change my focus, and yes it is over, but it provides closure as to why it didn’t work. It was him, not me in other words. Other things he did:


    -See an attractive man seated across from us on a flight and would have to know who he was. This particular time it was a very well dressed, athletic, African-American and would talk about him days later;

    -Took trips by himself before and during the relationship;

    -Was very fussy about having flower arrangements in the house - would spend 30+ minutes arranging bouquets;

    -Was super clean about his body and took Accutane as a teenager just so he would not get pimples. He only had 2 or 3 but begged the doctor anyway;

    -Did not like me to wear heels because he did not like how women’s butts looked when worn;

    -Was very fussy about home design. He was ordering white calf-skin rugs for our home during the break up;

    -Had a crush on an attractive man at the gardening center, had to be served by him, went to visit him ofter and was visibly upset when he retired;

    -Spoke about men like this: “now he’s a really good looking guy, isn’t he?” Never once spoke about women being beautiful;

    -Turned me down 99.9% of the time when I tried to initiate sex and scolded me for thinking he could just “get in the mood.” Not sexual contact for the last 2 years of our relationship, however, wanted to hold hands in public;

    -I never saw his eyes follow an attractive woman walking down the street. Even a super gorgeous one that could turn women’s heads;

    -He came from a very Catholic family;

    -Had an impeccable wardrobe-would get very upset when the cleaning lady folded his t shirts incorrectly;

    -Was not at all sexual with his ex wire for the last 2 years of their marriage;

    -was very clumsy sexually, like didn’t know what he was doing, kissing or touching;

    -had erectile disfunction;

    -Paid me money so I would never speak about the relationship;

    -Drinks a bottle or 2 of wine a night to numb himself.


    I could think of other examples, but this is a start.

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