Baylor

I hurt you. When you wanted to be closer to me and said you had feelings for me, I said I didn't. Even though I did. I've said so much to you since you dumped me 5 weeks ago. At first you were just mad, but I made the situation worse by letting my BPD take over myself and blow up your phone. We have not gone for more than 12 hours without me texting you about how sorry I am or how much I miss you in my life. How much I want a second chance to prove myself and never hurt you again. We were supposed to finally have dinner this past Saturday, but you canceled because you felt sick and stayed home. Then I asked some questions and you told me you kissed another guy last Wednesday night. I feel betrayed and hurt. You don't owe me an explanation, but I specifically told you I am waiting for you. I've repeated it over and over along with "I will leave you alone and stop pursuing you if that's what you want". You never said no. After 3 weeks of ignoring me you finally started responding to my texts after I sent you flowers. However, now we are back at it. After you told me you kissed another guy, I said some mean things to you. I can be stupid when hurt and angry and say stuff I later regret and thats not who I want to be. I went to the bar you work at on Sunday because I was being ignored all over again and couldn't deal with it. You blocked me on FB and deleted me of Twitter even though I rarely use it. I went to ask you "Do you not feel bad? How could u hurt me and not apologize?" but when I sat at the bar and you were being yourself, the same self I fell for I couldn't get mad. I wanted to tear up. You looked so gorgeous wearing that corset. Instead we had small talk and we talked about our lives and my trip recently for work. Then I got down to business and you said everything I did to win you back made you run for the hills. However, I started acting better the past week and a half so you wanted to have dinner but now you aren't sure anymore because of the hurtful things I said Saturday. I got a little bit of reconciliation since this is the first time we really talked or seen each other in 5 weeks. You texted me and said you made it home safely at 4am after work, but the next day you were cold again. When I asked why you wanted to have dinner with me if you don't miss me more than a friend and ore have feelings for me, our text conversation ended with you saying "Leave me alone". Then said you are mad at me because I am blowing you up again, but I wasn't. I thought we were having a conversation. You asked me for space and said I'd lose you if I didn't give it to you. I feel empty and scared you'll run off with someone else. I stopped texting you in hopes I win you back and get that dinner again, but I don't know how I can live not knowing what you doing or who you are with. You are bad at communicating your emotions due to your past traumatic experiences so I am not sure if I ever hear back from you again. I am going No Contact finally, but it's harder then hell. I miss you like crazy and just 5-6 weeks ago you were head over heels for me and wanted me to claim you as my GF. I was scared to open up. It's all my fault. I ****ed up, but I want to be a better man for you and show you how loving and caring I can be when I am fully open about my fears. Yesterday you said you didn't have feelings for me when I asked how could you hangout with someone else while miss me. I know what you felt like now when I said I didn't have feelings for you and you did. I want another chance. How could you lose your feelings for me so quickly and I haven't?

I wonder if we will ever talk again. In your emails and from our conversation two weeks ago you said we need to let all the mess simmer down and just wait it out a bit before we are ready to talk again. You told me I am impatient, which is true. You know me better than I know myself sometimes. I am still unsure if we will ever talk though. You've been seeing this other guy and I can't blame you considering how bad I've been. I wish I'd have a definite answer whether we will talk or not. Not knowing is killing me. Last time we talked (before we had another argument) you gave me a hug a held me so tight. I miss you so much I want to cry.

I wish I told you months ago that I loved you instead of pretending to be friends with you. We still talked on the phone everyday, several times a day to be exact. My ego didn't allow me to tell you that I still loved you more than ever. My ego makes me do stupid things all the time. Like follow you when we argue, call your work, and call your mother when we are fighting. I wish I had more self-control over my emotions and actions that stem from them. I don't think either one of us will ever find anyone more compatible. Yet, we both act so stupid towards one another and arise so much love & hate at the same time. Maybe I am delusional to think we'd ever talk again.

I know your mother and friends hate me an all because all they would ever hear about me is when we fight and I'd cause a scene or something. However, I am sure your mother and family are so proud of you for rebounding on a 28 year balding hotel clerk.

I highlighted all the * * * * I've been feeling in these last 6 weeks. What have u been feeling considering you are * * * * ing someone else? # A perceived tightness of the chest, similar to an anxiety attack # Stomachache and/or loss of appetite # Partial or complete insomnia # Anger # Shock # Nostalgia # Apathy (loss of interest) # Feelings of loneliness # Feelings of hopelessness and despair # Loss of self-respect and/or self-esteem # Medical or psychological illness (for example depression) # Suicidal thoughts (in extreme cases) # Nausea # Fatigue # The thousand-yard stare # Constant or frequent crying # Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy # A feeling of complete emptiness # In extreme cases, death

Why are u pretending like I don't exist? We been in each other's lives for 3 years and for two months now we been apart. You've even been dating some guy for a bit over a month now. We made love last time we slept together and now you are doing all those things with some other guy. You don't love him though. I wish it was as easy for me to forget about you as you forgotten about me.

I miss you baby. Please come back to me.