gettingon

He dumped me in February of 2010 (third time) and I had no contact for almost 2 1/2 months until I broke it last Sunday so now 7 days since I spoke to him on the phone. I contacted him because I saw that he changed his Facebook photo and it made me realized that it is over, because I had a gut feeling that he is dating others. I called to find out. It feels like we broke up again and I feel worse, because he is dating others and we're not back together. I keep breaking Facebook contact. I need to stop because it is preventing me from moving on. Do not break no contact unless you want to stay stuck.

Dear Ex, I really f^*@ up. I emotionally abused you, did not support you, threw temper tantrums, had entitlement issues and was just volatile. I was controlling and didn't show you how much I loved you. I still love you. I killed your joy and said things to make you unhappy and insecure. Why won't you give us another chance! I know that you did so many times during our relationship and have said over and over again that if I don't change, it's not going to work out. I didn't believe you because I thought you loved me unconditionally and would never leave. Two and half years and you gave up. I know it's because you don't think that I can change since I am 39 years old. I am changing slowly. It's a process. I'm going to therapy and trying really hard to work on my issues. This is so painful. I'm too old to be going through this pain. I regret not learning from my past relationships and not working on myself when I was younger, because I repeated the same behaviors/patterns with you. The same behavior that ended my previous relationships and the exact same behavior that led you to dump me three times and not give us another try. Why didn't I learn from the past. Why didn't I work on myself before. It's a vicious cycle. I let my insecurity and fears hold me back from showing you how much you mean to me. Now you're probably dating someone else and I know that you're happy without me because you said so. I know that she is beautiful, smart, athletic, funny, supportive, kind, and she makes you feel "special." She makes you happy and I know that you will get marry. I miss you. I am so sorry. I wish that I can go back in time to change my behavior, because if we were still together... we would be planning our life together. Please take me back.