End of Day 7ish-- journalish blather
Made it two (!) whole days without any sort of contact, nor oddly, the desire to even contact him until now. The last two days have been ok, hung out with some old friends I hadn't actually been social with for a while. It was really nice. Starting to finally get over my desire to avoid places and people the ex and I both knew, which makes me feel a little bit like I have my life back. A little bit-- I still sometimes feel lost and confused and directionless about where I'm going now.
My social circle has always been very guy-centric, which is the result of the fact that my hobbies and interests and career-direction are the kinds of things that have traditionally been more 'male'. Unfortunately I'm having a problem with guys atm, and am kinda worried about it. Some of my guy friends have been FANTASTIC, esp a couple of them that knew both me and the ex-- they still treat me like a person and a friend. Other guy acquaintances have gone kinda... weird since I've been 'back on the market', and it make me doubt that they were ever really my friends or just waiting around in the wings until I was single. That, combined with the larger predominantly male-populated places of interest have sorta combined to make me feel like a piece of meat lately. In the past, since I was in a relationship, I always felt sort of like the untouchable girl-- and it gave me the confidence to be around these places without feeling out of place, like I was a person and my gender didn't really matter. Now I feel bizarrely * * * * ty just for being me and being friendly, like people somehow think I've somehow only cultivated these interests because I want the male attention.
I know this is just the circumstances of the breakup getting into my head, because it kinda made me feel less like a valued person and more like a disposable object. I tell myself this, and know that getting over this hump is the last step to really getting my confidence back.
Really cute (!) guy asked for my number on day 6, and I gave it to him. Having a hard time generating an interest in dating right now-- it's not that I'm opposed to it, it's just that I've no crushes to speak of, but I figured I'd give at least a first date a shot should this guy follow through.
This incident made me happy, but precipitated some anger at the ex in private. Maybe I'm just pretty picky about guys, but it kinda made me baffled about how the ex could have a new interest that he's probably super infatuated with already (have no idea about time line, don't even want to know, but I would guess that it's been at least a month and prolly closer to 6 weeks at this point). Not so much jealousy, just confusion at how he could meet someone so apparently awesome already, whereas I just keep encountering guys that are nice enough, but totally uninteresting.
This made me angry because it made me really start to question him. I'm now wondering if the ex is the sort of person who just gets infatuated with people reeeally quickly. It would certainly fit with what I know about his recent various flings prior to me (non-relationshippy super infatuations). On the one hand, this makes me kinda dislike him, because it just seems pathetic and sad, and it makes me feel like I was another in a long line of totally non-special conquests, even tho we were actually in a relationship for quite some time. On the other hand, it makes me sad that he would throw away the closeness that we had for... more of the same? It's funny how after a breakup we seem to start doubting things we thought we really knew about the other person, and like we're suddenly confronted with this person we don't know at all.
It's this lack of knowing him that makes me feel really sad and want to talk to him right now. I'm not going to, but we were so close, and this distance between us and the fact that I feel like I don't know him at all is heartbreaking in a completely different way than anything I've encountered yet in this breakup. Someday I will forget him and he will be just a blip of a memory-- like total strangers on the subway, and it makes it hard, so hard, to really treasure the memories right now.
But I have no idea what I'd say to him if we were to talk. He used to tell me everything about his life, even after the breakup, about stuff he was excited about. It's only been a week (lol) since we've had any sort of 'meaningful' conversation of the type you have with friends, but I already feel like he's a million miles away. I miss him, or rather, maybe I miss how close we used to be, and I can't but help wondering if he even noticed or misses that at all, or if it makes any part of him sad. I wish it did, but I don't think it even even crosses his mind. I'm having a hard time explaining this, but I'll try. It's not a feeling of rejection, just a feeling of deep sadness at the loss of what could have still been. I miss my best friend, but I'm not sure that person even exists anymore behind the walls both parties throw up around themselves after a relationship ends, and sometimes, I wonder if he ever did.
