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Everything posted by Fudgie

  1. R sounds like a nice, genuine guy thus far. I hope you'll keep seeing each other. I do think your anxiety was made worse by the fact that M blew hot/cold a lot of the time and that really triggered anxiety. I'm sure I would feel the same if I were in such a situation. Fantasies are okay as long as you don't let yourself get too attached by having them. If you are finding that that's the case, then it's best to stop, or at least wait until you become an exclusive couple and you both express that you want something long-term.
  2. Just wanted to say that I think your list is great, annie. I do think it's easy to reason/explain away "iffy" things or red flags when we are into someone and want to be with him. I think many people do that. It's good that you have the self insight into this so next time, you won't do this. It's all about looking at things logically and being able to walk away earlier. Spending less time with the "wrong" men is key to getting closer to finding someone right for you!
  3. Annie, I'm sorry to hear what happened. I just got caught up with the story now. It does sound like he was rather wishy washy. Hard to tell if he wasn't interested totally OR if he had some other issues. Maybe a combination of both. BTW, the "Match" issue, when he said "I'd be fine with you leaving up your profile". I did not read that as insecurity. Insecure people don't say that. People who are insecure and don't think they have what it takes are either going to 1) settle for someone who is really, really, really "beneath them" in many ways or (not the case here, trust me) or 2) will be really possessive because they want to KEEP that person and not have them fall for someone else. He is not insecure, he was just not into you, and that's why he said that he wanted you to look into other options. I could totally, totally see myself saying that to a guy if I was not the direct person that I usually am. Instead of actually breaking it off, it's easier for some to encourage the other person to look at other options and hope that they find someone else so you wouldn't have to do a messy BU talk. Again, I'm really, really sorry about what happened. There are much better men out there though! You will find someone! I do think it's important to be yourself, authentically. I think the "don't make yourself too available" is crap. There is something to be said about not being too clingy or calling ALL the time but don't play hard to get or ignore texts if you don't actually feel that way. I don't know about you, but I am a very emotionally intense person. I tend to ask a lot of my partners, emotionally. That is just how I am. I know that it's not everyone's cup of tea and that's cool. I have some tendencies, nothing bad, just different. If someone doesn't like it, they aren't the person for me. If I played "hard to get", skirted around certain issues, didn't bring up things that I want to talk about, didn't act how I am...then I'd end up with someone who is ultimately not right for *me*. Annie, like you, I do have anxiety. It goes with my depression. I know how it feels to play those negative tapes in your head. It sucks. I do get social anxiety in times when I feel like I have to be something I'm not. Same thing with dating. I do not have much anxiety in my relationships because I just do what I feel like I need to do. Instead of feeling like you need to act a certain way to get guys, you really need to be yourself. Be authentic. Call/text when you want. Say what you want. Don't over-think, just do. A guy who you feel that you have to tiptoe around is not someone that you're going to feel comfortable with in the long term. There is some nervousness when meeting someone new, but if you're second-guessing everything, analyzing ALL texts, and getting upset a lot over it, it's too far. You need to be authentic and find someone who is direct and honest (sometimes brutally so). Someone who likes a lot of contact and doesn't skirt issues or play games.
  4. You won't be serious with her if she has a bf. Keep being friends with her but I'd work on distancing yourself. If she asks why, tell her that she knows about your feelings, and you don't want to have them for someone who is in a relationship, so you're backing off. Her response will say a lot. If she tries to keep you around and not break up with the guy, then you know that she's fine with having an emotional affair essentially. Says a lot.
  5. Why does it matter so much if he opens the car door or not for you? Just curious. I'm not sure if has been asked. What does him opening the car door say to you about him? Why do you deem it as important? I like it when the doors are held open for me, but I also like to hold doors open for people, female or male. It's just a nice thing to do. Like paying for dates, as long as the person reciprocates by paying sometimes too. Car doors? I don't know. That just seems awkward.
  6. I don't really compare, to be honest. It doesn't come up in my mind. Nor do I really care about my partner's exes. As long as they are over them, I don't care. Jealousy really stinks. I agree with Sparkly Eyes - they are with YOU and that tells you something. If their ex was so great, then why did they break up and move on? Hmm?
  7. No, I haven't really felt that way with anyone, including my current boyfriend. And we've been together for 2 years. We have long-term potential, yes, and we want to be together long-term. I just don't feel that feeling of "I was meant to be with him". There are many, many men in the world who could have made me happy had I met them and chose to go with them. However, I didn't and I chose my boyfriend so it works.
  8. Not all women are the same. Some will be happy to be with you and others will not. Many guys assume "well, I'm like Sheldon. No girl could want that." Trust me, some do. There are all types and then there are all types for those types. I am more of a female version of Sheldon Cooper at times. I'm very quirky, have some weird habits/preferences, and am just very opinionated and nerdy myself. Most guys couldn't deal with a woman like me but I have found a few who enjoy my company so it has worked out fine.
  9. You are correct LightBulb, life doesn't work that way. Sure, when I met a couple of my past boyfriends, I might have seen them and though "eh, I guess they are kind of cute" but nothing that was like "-WHAM- you're hot! wantwantwant."
  10. I think the "wow' factor (at least to me) is that initial physical attraction. It doesn't come from talking or getting to know someone, it's more of a "damn he's hot" thing. I agree, you should never force attraction but maybe, if you like someone on the inside, go out 1-2x. Don't just judge them by whether or not the "wow" is there the second you meet them. By all means, if it's been 1-2 dates and you don't feel any romance/chemistry, then you can move on. But don't blow someone off because you're not head over heels at first.
  11. Yes, I agree FloridaMan. Most people, and I mean the VAST majority, do not feel that "wow" moment when they first meet someone. that "wow" moment comes from pure physical attraction, it has nothing to do with anything on a deeper level. We often become more attracted to people just through knowing them and loving them. Don't give up on someone just because they don't knock you off of your feet the moment you meet them. That is just not very true to life.
  12. Well, my question is, do you find average girls unattractive and only like REALLY gorgeous women? Because regardless of who you are, I could see this being a problem. There's nothing wrong with saying "I won't date someone who is morbidly obese and doesn't shower." Fair enough. But if you're passing up girl after girl because they are average and you're not feeling that "wow" moment the SECOND you meet her, then yes, I consider this to be a problem, regardless of what you look like.
  13. LightBulb, I think you should date women that you find attractive. That being said, there are so many nice, kind girls out there who are average-looking and up. Most people find "average" attractive depending on their tastes. Do you feel the same? And yes, hygiene is key. Don't date models ("10s") only. I say this to everyone regardless of how they look. I would even tell Brad Pitt not to just date "10s". Why? Because I feel you're passing up on so many awesome women and really limiting yourself. There just aren't many people out there who are 10s. If you find yourself unattracted to ANYONE but those who are model-like, I do consider that a problem and suggest you work on it. Like I said, it has nothing to do with your looks. It has everything to do with being limited and passsing up some nice girls who could be attractive to you if you gave them the chance.
  14. This is lovely news LightBulb, I'm so glad to hear it! Sounds like you're making some really positive steps but you know what's the best part? You are becoming more confident and believing in yourself. That will get you far!
  15. I think it's better to at least tell the other person "Hey, I don't think we are compatible. I'm sorry. I hope you find what you're looking for." You don't even have to explain WHY. You just have to say that you're moving on so that way the other person can too.
  16. I typically only like to correspond for 1 month. I have done so for longer though because I was stuck in one place for a couple months and couldn't make the trip until later. I was upfront about this. But yeah, meeting ASAP is best.
  17. I think the thing to remember is to NOT blame yourself. Most times, people disappear because they are juggling other people and met someone else, or something else is going on. Don't take it personally. Easier said than done, right?
  18. I prefer older men for a variety of reasons. My boyfriend is 58 and we are coming up on 2 years. I don't know what you mean by "social crime". That's really weird. I belong with my boyfriend and he with me. Let's not make this topic about my personal life choices and having strangers tell me I'm wrong when I wasn't seeking advice about my relationship in the first place. Thanks.
  19. Hey, i'm glad that guy disappeared on me, because now I've met my boyfriend and am very happy.
  20. I was emailing this one guy for like...3 months. We were planning to get together to meet. He was 50 and in PA. No kids but he was a "Big brother" at the Big Brother/Big Sister group. He seemed really cute. He was kind of cute too. We were emailing/texting...everything. Everything was going great. Then one day...NOTHING. I mean nothing. I heard crickets. He was logging onto the site. I sent him a "wink". He never responded so I just moved on but I was hurt. I have no clue what made him bolt. I wasn't saying anything weird...I know he wasn't married either because I did a background check.
  21. Oh I definitely know some women who are that way...no dating, no kissing, no sex, etc. In their 30s and beyond...my neighbor is that way. She is 60 years old and hasn't done anything. But you know what, she's happy and that's what matters. Most of these women that I know though are often this way by choice. Not all the time, but many of them are. It sounds like they had the opportunity (perhaps still do) and they just don't want to take it. As long as they are happy, then I am happy for them.
  22. I've knitted too and jenny's right...the first inches are always stuff/tight. It gets better as you go on. your scarf won't end up all tight like that.
  23. I think the medium sized one will work fine. Heck, I even have some other scarves that are made with thicker (larger) yarns but the yarn is soft and lightweight, so I don't really notice the weight at all. I haven't ever had a "not soft" scarf but I'm sure some exist. I'm sure you'll love it, greywolf!
  24. College is a great place to meet a partner. I'm inclined to say that the majority of the population who attends college does end up meeting their mate there. I mean, it's convenient really. You have class together, you eat together, live together, etc. Stuff happens. Of course, I've never dated anyone who goes to my college and don't plan to, but I can see the appeal.
  25. Very true. The truth is, no one is going to walk into your life or fall into your lap and everything will be fine. You need to go out and make it happen.
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