Hermes

A book The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self, by Alice Miller and For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence Paperback – by Alice Miller "Miller paints a jolting picture of the violent world each generation helps shape when traditional upbringing, with its hidden cruelty, is perpetuated. She also offers a way out by striving to resensitize the child in the adult, to unlock an emotional life frozen in repression." One review: "“A shattering, frightening [book], and eventually one of the most illuminating and life-view-changing works I have ever read . . . I challenge any thinking and feeling person to read this book [and] not in turn be changed or altered.” ―Church World"

People with no sense of humour.....

On now but never heard it before. Hilarious! "The Girl with Faraway Eyes" sung by Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones

On the radio: "Half way to Paradise" sung by Ben E. King Nice!!

Re-reading "Spirit Wrestler" by James Houston

A book: "Not Gay: Sex between Straight White Men (Sexual Cultures) by Jane Ward (Author)"

A book: "Sexual Panic - America's New Era of Witch Hunting" by Jerry Steinbach Sounds like an interesting read.

Vexatious posts

Nodding towards one of the threads on the site, there is this book: Constructing and Reconstructing Childhood by Allison James, Alan Prout

Hypochondriacs and their drama-rama

As so many, in pain, who come on this board seem to come under this category I thught I'd post this up: "So if you want true love, if you want the real thing, prepare yourself to start letting go of being a Fixer. Get some help working on what you are going to replace the Fixer role with. Talk with others about what you really want from a partner. And start healing yourself, chapter by chapter. When you are healed into a place where you have something to offer other than fixing someone, you will begin to attract those who don’t need fixing. It will take work and it will take time. But do you have anything better to do that will serve you more?" From: /

Not a book, but a very sound article IMO W"e have all suffered many forms of abuse but the least talked about is “The mind game” otherwise known as the silent treatment; ie deliberately ignored to cause harm to another persons mental well being, sent to Coventry, deliberate sabotage to a persons life or/and credibility and is one of the most harmful methods of abuse used by abusers who feel that “If they do not use their hands to physically abuse then it isn’t abuse.” Wrong" "To deliberately cause harm to someone by use of the silent treatment, deny a person any emotional care, deny them any praise, starve them of love, affection, compliments, positive feed back, to regularly reject, degrade and deny a person any emotional responsiveness and to ignore a persons needs is mental abuse or also known as psychological abuse. It is repetitive abuse that’s aimed at controlling, diminishing another persons well being in order to hurt, punish, harm or control them." "The abuser will behave in society charming, calm, happy, he will be seen by others as a pillar of society, gentle natured, helpful, kind, caring and fool the outside world into thinking he is abused and his partner is the abuser. This is classic of a mental abuser. They will have their partner labelled a mental case whilst he plays the victim and saint and makes her the subject of of every ones rejection by labelling her with an unbalanced mind." From:

"The Disease to Please" by Harriet B. Braiker A book. Helpful for the "people pleasers" out there.

Why do some people choose one bad relationship after another. "Giving up a destructive relationship is difficult. The brief moments of validation are cherished, and the person who finally leaves must relinquish the hope of "earning" more. When the person finally breaks free they are faced with an immediate and lasting feeling of emptiness and self-blame that makes them question their decision."

Very thought-provoking

IMO a VERY important article "The causes of chronic sulking are not clear. There might be a genetic component, but one of the latest theories is that it develops in childhood as a punishment for mum in a way which is least likely to trigger chastisement. According to Jukes, sulking in men can also be the first, vital sign of abuse: "In my experience, a very high proportion of abusers are prone to severe attacks of sulking, and have been in a sulk for most of their lives, deriving as it does from the basic fault and desire to punish the inadequate primary carer, mother,'' says Jukes, author of Men Who Batter Women. "Most abuse is incremental. It starts in a small way, maybe with sulking, and then escalates. It is very rare that a man begins with a vicious attack. They often start by feeling resentment and then withdrawing.''"

Silverbirch. If the tapas are authentically and well prepared, you will just love them

Not strictly a book. This article has been around for a while, and is very germane to many of the discussions on this forum IMO. "There are certain general characteristics that define a mentally healthy individual. A hallmark of mental health is the ability to tolerate uncertainty, which is demonstrated in our capacity to carefully weigh choices before deciding a course of action. Because we can tolerate the tension that occurs while going through the process of choosing, we can more accurately make a final decision. Mentally unsound individuals cannot tolerate much tension, which is why their actions tend to be irrational and impulsive".

Recently published, this excellent and readable book by Dr. Joseph Burgo "The Narcissist You Know: Defending Yourself Against Extreme Narcissists in an All-About-Me Age" One comment: "The author delves into the different types of extreme narcissists--from bullies to seducers to addicts--providing behavioral tip-offs as well as pragmatic tips on how to cope with them in situations where they can't be avoided"

There sure is a lot of it around!! How Being Different Will Help Filter Out Superficial People “Hastiness and superficiality are the psychic diseases of the twentieth century" "Who would want to be friends or lovers with the type of shallow people who would judge you simply based on physical attributes anyway? Seriously, your being different becomes a fantastic way to drastically improve the chances that you will spend your time with people who love you for who you are as a person rather than for superficial qualities." From: link removed

link removed Excerpt: "A big part of the problem is that many toxic relationship behaviors are baked right into our culture. We worship the idea of carefree romantic love – you know, where two people ride off into the sunset happily ever after before they even truly know each other. And we are raised to objectify our relationships and guard them like personal property. Thus, our friends and lovers are often treated as assets rather than human beings of free will with whom to share true love and emotional support." "Our culture, which is predicated on fantasies of romantic love, often suggests that once you meet “The One,” you will be lifted out of your misery or boredom and elevated into a state of perpetual wholeness and bliss. So, it’s easy to believe that it’s your partner’s job to make you feel joyful and whole. But the truth is, while a healthy relationship can certainly bring joy, it’s not your partner’s job to fill in your empty voids. That’s your job and yours alone, and until you accept full responsibility for your emptiness, pain, or boredom, problems will inevitably ensue in the relationship. The longing for completion that you feel inside comes from being out of touch with who you are. Nobody else in this world can make you happy. It’s something you have to do on your own. And you have to create your own happiness first before you can share it with someone else."

Thought I'd put this entertaining article in here rather than up on the forum.. Infidelity: An American Social and Political Obsession From: link removed

Bereavement and grief is something we will all encounter. A Book: "The Other Side of Sadness" George A. Bonanno (professor of clinical psychology at Columbia University) and: Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear, and Despair by Miriam Greenspan

link removed Excerpts: "Romantic love can be an enjoyable and harmless emotional game. But we shouldn't attempt to build our lives around this artificial feeling." "Almost from the moment of birth, we have been surrounded by romantic mythology. Every element of the popular culture assumes that romance is real: television, movies, novels, poetry, soap operas, advertising, popular music of every kind, newspapers, magazine, & dating services. We grew up in a milieu of romantic love. Everywhere we turn, even if we seldom notice it, someone is making positive references to 'falling in love'. The reason for the uniformity of our romantic beliefs and experiences is not genetic similarity, control by the gods, or a common 'human nature' —but a common cultural tradition dating back to the Middle Ages." "We can abandon these cultural delusions and begin to establish our relationships based on real information about each other and genuine commitment toward each other. Loving without illusions lacks the emotional high of romantic love, but truth is better than fiction as a basis for on-going relationships. Instead of projecting our pre-existing fantasies, we can get to know each other as we really are —and as the persons we are becoming. The wild, extravagant feeling of being head-over-heels in love is certainly an enjoyable delusion while that emotional 'high' lasts, but should we attempt to build relationships on fantasy feelings?"

Very apt, I should think. "The Best of Single Life" by Bella DePaulo PhD (Author) and "Singlism: What It Is, Why It Matters, and How to Stop It" by Bella DePaulo PhD (Author) " In this collection, she defines singlism and shows where it is lurking in the workplace, the marketplace, and the media, in advertising, religion, and pseudoscience, in our universities and professional societies, in laws and policies, and in our everyday lives. Dr. DePaulo takes on the issue of why singlism persists – often without apology or even awareness – at a time when so many other isms are considered shameful. Drawing from social science research, she also explains why the simple statement, “I am happy,” when uttered by a person who is single, can elicit paroxysms of hostility, denial, and scorn."