redsuede

The trick is to keep yourself busy and keep reminding yourself why this is good for you (this breakup). Sometimes people think that because they want their x back that there is nothing good about it. There is. You already know deep in your heart how much you already have gone through. Keep strong, and the air will clear for you to see things better.

So today, I get an email asking me a general question about a job interview I had awhile back. Im thinking, what the heck. You tell me basically to fall off the face of the earth, and so I do... (NC) and now I get an email a week later with a general question about ME. Why do they do that? Maybe they have never been dumped before and dont realize how it feels.. Its sure a set back

Its really hard to tell why they dont call. But I can tell you that he is not calling you and you need to look out for you and your heart right now. NC should be for you and you alone. I am sorry that you are in so much pain right now. It will start to decrease and what you were explaining is normal. You will have days like that. Prepare for it, and believe it. But you will also notice that you will have good days too, where you start seeing the relationship for what it was. I dont know exactly what happened. But I am sorry you are in so much pain right now.

That is really not fair to you. I can only tell you what I am learning, and that is if she is walking away, then she is not worth your love to begin with. You can walk away. All you have to do is look forward, and not backwards... Let us know how it goes

The last few days I feel like I have a foothold. I am doing this NC thing, and it really does help. It takes out all of the confusing words and actions. I am feeling like the air is clearing and I can see what I should have seen all along. I still get tripped up and think about how she must be doing NC too. I am still working on getting angry, and that one hasnt really come yet. I guess that feels more like a betrayal if I get angry.. BUT, keeping that foothold is the key. I am wanting to start getting out there again, but I still feel like I would be unfaithful, even though we have been apart for 4 months. I havent been with anyone but her in 8 years. There are so many scary aspects of this situation, but I am trying to be positive about it and think about my life first.. Very hard.

I feel a bit better today. Last night I had a friend come over and hang out with me. She just got out of a similar relationship like mine. It does help to talk about it. What I am having a hard time with, and working on it, is that I am finding it hard to be angry. I know that I should and have so much to be angry about. I have always held high the idea of "if its your problem, its mine too"... or " I will always love you, no matter what"... That has kept me in some pretty bad situations. Because today, for now, I feel I have a bit of a foot hold, I want to remind myself and others that It may feel bad now, or you may find comfort in finding every reason in the book that it was your fault completely, but that is just a way of making yourself feel better in a way I think because if it is our fault, then I might can just fix it. I have spent the last 4 months finding every thing in the world to be sorry about, and even written long drawn out emails to her saying how sorry I am for each and every one of them. Did it change a thing, no.. In fact it gave her even more reason to feel mad at me.. Some of them I got a sincere thank you for, but come on.. For me watering the lawn too much, compared to getting yelled at because I felt I had to take care of everything there was to do in our house so she would want to leave or hate it.. That sucks. I should be getting a sorry that she left everything for me to do. Cooking, laundry, cleaning, cleaning up dog crap, finding our special dates.. Of course, I did NONE of those right in her eyes. She read, and played on the computer and critisized. I had a dream in our first year of being together. It was one where my deceased grandmother was just sitting down talking with me, and she said, remember, if this relationship doesnt work out, there is someone else out there for you honey. I woke up. That was 6 years ago. I often wonder about it.. Right now I need to get my own surroundings comfortable and be happy for the day and what it may bring. I dont need to be happy if me and the x are ok. I need to be happy cause I have a lot I can give someone when I am ready. I need to realize that my mistakes in life dont make up who I am anymore. I dont need to be someone else for someone to like me, I dont need to jump through endless hoops for someones love. I never made her jump through hoops. I was just happy to be near her. We spent so much of our free time going over what I was doing wrong in the relationship, I have peace now. I just have to get through the pain and panic attacks, and know that everything one day will be OK. Trust in the universe that everything is just the way it is supposed to be. Maybe if I learn to like myself better, I may realize fully that I didnt deserve the treatment I got, and it wont be a matter of if she comes back, it will be a matter if I will go back or not.. We all have choices.. What are we going to do for ourselves?

I will do just that. Thank you very much. I am really trying to do the right thing this time rather than just leap back in to something that has hurt me so tremendously. I am starting to really try to start seeing things for how they really are, rather than go back in to what was. I just know there must be more out there, rather than hurting and feeling worthless just to have her near me.. This is such a long lonely process, but I am determined that this is not all for nothing..

Thanks Bestrongbehappy.. I will do that now. I really appreciate your feedback.. I am having a really hard time dealing with the things of life that most people are OK with. I really appreciate advice like this. I dont want to feel this way forever.

Okay, so what do you do when you start to "romantisize" the relationship. I am doing well with not calling or stuff like that, and I am very lonely doing this NC process. I pretty much go to work, and come home and cook for my kids and sit on the couch. I realize that I dont want this relationship back, I have never had any doubts through this breakup, but for some weird reason, I still hope she still tries to come back. I find myself doing "well" as much I think that I can anyway for a day or two, and then I start to wonder what she is doing, and does she love me still. She has been really harsh with her words when I have talked to her, and then she throws a handful of crumbs at me. Right now of course she is doing the mean cruel route of hating me, so it makes NC much easier, but its been like 6 months. Shouldnt I be over this by now? How do you stop thinking about someone that you know you would be happier not thinking about. I also have realized through the constant verbal and emotional abuse I am so afraid of "coping" the right way. I know that sounds weird.. but its true. I cant seem to make a decision about anything to do with how I am handling this without extreme panic of I am not doing it right, or someone is going to be mad at me. I realize that this sounds completely victimy, so please know I am aware of this... I guess I just needed to vent..

That must have been a very hard. We are all here for ya. You have amazing strength, and truly are doing the right thing. Take this time to heal through this now. Those comments do make it very hard. Time will show you everything you need to know.

Cheating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 100%

Your story makes me so sad for you. I am sooo sorry. Hang in there. You are better off without her, but I am so sorry for what you must be going through.

She slept with this person before you came along, so this makes it even worse IMO. Im sorry this happened to you. I have no sympathy for cheating. Its the biggest heart breaker.

IMO, I love St Johns Wort. It too has helped me in the past.

Green tea!!

Asexual actually means unaffected by sexuality.

Yes.. Thank you. They are this time. I am just so thrown on the floor of all that I have learned this time.. What pathetic things I did to try to keep us together. Sacrificing just to hear later that she was alone anyway, and the list goes on. Its amazing to me why I would want that in the first place. Why did I feel like we were home together? It has been so easy for her to breakup with me over and over again.. Where in that did I find HOME? Oh well, it is a new year, and I am determined to move on with my life. I only want to be now where I am really wanted and appreciated, so it is time to move away emotionally. I guess the sadness will fade in time

Id like to join too, if its not too late.

Thank you SuperDave.. I read this advice on Friday, and I did just that. I went out with my friends this weekend to the bar and I had a blast. I have also felt the need to clean clean clean. (And I already do keep my house clean). I have felt all weekend really good about the situation being where it is, and then this morning it kinda feels sad again. I guess this is normal. The thing that has taken me years to realize is that when you make it sooo easy for them to come back, it leaves you with the sense that you are not good enough for them to show you that you are. NC makes you know that you are feeling that you are good enough for someone to love you and show you just that. When you call them and try to make that connection again, it only shows them and you that they dont have to try. If you are not worth it to them, then they wont make that step and try. I want to be with someone one day that I feel like I matter, and that I am not the only one trying to glue the relationship together. Being alone gives me that feeling that I am important too, because I am not just jumping through hoop after hoop just to get contact.. I hope I am making sense because this is really a foreign feeling. Giving yourself what you deserve makes all the difference on how you feel about yourself and what you should allow. I am done. Life can be good, and it shouldnt feel this way. Even though I am sad, I still know that I deserve to be happy in a relationship or even alone, jumping through hoops always made me feel like I am such a **** , like I am not worth it. Your words really helped me.. Hopefully now life will even out and the sadness will be further apart. Thanks again.. If it wasnt for this forum.. I would be so lost..

So, I thought I needed to post again.. For this last 4 months we have had contact. She has wanted to be friends, and I have not, although I have still tried to maintained contact, it has made my emotional status much worse. Sometimes I got a crumb, and I would feel happy for the moment, but knowing inside that reality is there and I am just not looking at it. Two days ago, I was talking to her on chat, and she said something hurtful to me. I closed out of chat and said that I didnt deserve that. That was a very huge step for me. Ignored the email after that because I knew I am shaky. Yesterday I got an email from her saying that she doesnt know what happened or why, and that she is saying goodbye now. I sent one back saying goodbye back. Now its truly over, I have that doom feeling all over again. I know I am doing the right thing, why does it feel so bad?

I havent cheated on anyone in my life. I opened up to my x husband and told him that I wasnt straight, that was long ago, but now we now are the best of friends. I appreciate your feedback.. I am in the process of finding myself again.. As far as the skeletons in the closet, I am not sure why you wrote that.. I guess I did leave bits and pieces out.. but pretty much, I am an open book... The only things that are secretive in my life is what I have been through. I thought it would be healing to get it out somewhere.. so I chose here. Anyway, I am trying to do NC. It is best for everyone. I havent ever fully done NC. I have thought that my job in life is to make sure everyone is taken care of first, and then I can try to focus on what I am going through. I am now working on this too. My kids btw really loved this person I was with. She was in their life a long time, and didnt see what was really going on. As far as "my lifestyle"... I am not ashamed of my sexuality. I really havent encountered any harsh judgements from anyone.. especially ones I thought might judge me.. I am just like anyone else, with feelings for people of my same sex.. I just wanted to clarify that is no longer an issue with me..

This is the problems I faced.. Things I need to see with my eyes and not try to pick apart in my head... I have posted before but only really scratched a bit of the surface. I also have around 8 diarys, however, they all have eventually been found and read, so I have learned not to write much of anything in them. None of them have more than a few pages written in them because I would buy a new one in disguise.. of course it would get read eventually.. I gave up on the diary idea. Back tracking.... Since 5th grade, I knew I was attracted to women. Since then, I hid it, and I hid it well. I dated a ton of guys, and ended up having 2 kids (with the same guy). 11 years ago, I met the woman of my dreams. We became very close very quick. We saw eachother every day. She would come to my house in the mornings and wake me up. She would write me pages of intimate letters, but she was taken already and she was straight. This didnt stop her from teasing me sexually "as friends" for the first 4 years. We didnt have sex those 4 years and because I fell in love with her, I couldnt date. I just wanted to be with her. No one else interested me, and honestly I didnt have the knowledge of the danger of what this would lead to. 4 years later, she confronts me with that prospect of her and I. It was a purely sexual proposal, and I was by then far in love with her, and I didnt want to get hurt. I said no to her everyday that week. She would then send me emails about how she loved my body.. which made it hard. So, yes, I finally said yes. My gut was saying NOOOO, but my heart won. I really did well at first by viewing us as "friends with benefits" because she moved in that weekend. I still tried to maintain my usual life, seeing my friends, and seeing my family. She would call me however where I was and say very sweetly to come home soon, she made dinner and she is going to wait for me.. That felt good. Soon after that, she wanted us to buy matching rings and put them on our left ring finger.. I loved that ring. The first year, she met someone at work. Granted he was just a friend, but she would come home and admit to me she had feelings for him. For that whole year she was inseperable with him. Our sex life very early became stretched very thin. Second year, she met some guy at a bar, brought him home and made out with him on my couch... then broke up with me in front of him when I walked in the room.. (this one still hurts a lot) Third year, she didnt work anymore, she found someone on the internet, "started feeling feelings" and started in with internet sex. I didnt know this for months, but my gut did. She eventually fessed up, but she had to make sure she did it one last time, told me she was "breaking things off", went in the room and "Chatted" one last time.. Then she left me shortly after, and left me with all of our bills, stranded, in a very very bad situation. Fourth year (I know...) She fell in love with a married man. We werent living together, we had gotten back together, and conveniently she broke things off with me right before things got going with him. That is what she says.. Fifth year, Was just me.... .. We moved in together again, bought a house.. Problem was I couldnt do it. All of the hoops I was trying to jump through for years.. plus the new hoops. She wanted a clean house, yet I was really the only one cooking or cleaning, or mowing the lawn, or shoveling the walks, or even grocery shopping. I was worn out and tired. She complained so much.. I wanted so much to say then get off your a** and help me, but I was scared of her. She started very early with hard core emotional abuse, verbal abuse. There was some physical abuse too, but in fairness, the physical stuff wasnt more than a handful of times. I just kept trying harder and harder. I even consciencely would tell myself, I would do it right, I have to do it right.. Of course, I could never do it right for more than a few hours. Something was always wrong, and I found I couldnt keep up. Sixth year.. She had a full affair with a work relation at a hotel. She stayed out the whole night, I worried the whole night.. Inside I knew, but I was worried because she also has epilepsy. I was scared she was laying on the side of the road.. That was 2 months ago. She told me about it a month and a half ago, and then she left me again. Since then I have sold our house, moved me and my kids in our own place, and I have the prospect of my own business deal I have been working on that looks promising. I feel like I cant function inside anymore. I used to be so attractive, always having that kind of attention, now I feel so old, and easily tossible. I was mostly so lonely. I wanted so much to be held or touched too. I gave backrubs very regularly, or foot rubs..But I wanted that too. I just felt so lonely and alone. I learned not to talk about the big stuff. Just surface stuff. That was hard enough. Please before anyone posts anything harsh, please realize that I am pulling myself to better ground. I have pulled off the rose colored glasses, and found imitation strength. Now Im left feeling like I am constantly needing to shake off, almost like I am covered in dirt. I really loved this woman, she was my "first", I shared my whole self with her. I thought she loved and cared about me too. When things were good, no one else would do. It was like we fit like a glove, and I found during those times, I wouldnt even think about the bad times.. I thought they were finally in the past, and we would move on to better things. Now I am left here trying to function, and she is off somewhere, seemingly happy... I am ready for the fight inside to begin to health and happiness.....

Oh.. I am sorry. I misunderstood. The best thing you can do now is focus on YOU, not him. You need it so much right now, and please know, it will get better. It will not feel like it now, but eventually you will see it does get better. You didnt deserve this. Start thinking now of what you want to start doing with your time.

Sorry Stacy, I dont think there is ever a "Justified affair". No one deserves to be cheated on

Well, First of all. I am so sorry. I can relate to the pain and suffering you are going through. I guess the first thing is he showed you that he is a cheater, as this is how your relationship was started, right? I understand this one as my last relationship started out that way too. I remember thinking to myself this should worry me, and of course, I was cheated on quite a bit. Dont give up on trust. Just learn to see the red flags before it takes its toll on you, which it did this time. You were with him a long time, so its like starting your life over. Have you thought about new things to do?