Mel27

Hi there! I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend since early February. However, a couple of weeks ago he admitted to me that at the end of March (about 7 weeks into our relationship) he had a one night stand when he went away to a wedding one weekend. I had suspected this may have been the case when unfortunately one day I went snooping and discovered some emails from this girl and a photo of her. Although these emails didn't actually say they had slept together it eluded to that fact. Anyway, after months of asking him about it and him denying it he finally told me the truth a couple of weeks ago. He said it didn't mean anything and that he was very drunk and had taken ecstasy too. He also said that at that stage he was unsure of whether or not we would have a long term relationship. However, since then, he has developed a committed relationship with me and this is why he had lied to me about it - because he didn't want to lose me over what he says was a stupid mistake. I find it hard to believe he didn't know where our relationship was heading because in the first few weeks we were VERY full on and he had already met my family! The only way I can justify it is that maybe, in my mind, I was more "into it" than he was and he and I had both just come out of other relationships so he may have still felt in "single" mode whereas I didn't. This might be way deep down he was struggling settling into a monogamous relationship in the beginning. Needless to say, I am very hurt and my self esteem has taken a dive. However, I love him and would very much like to believe it would never happen again (given that it happened early on in our relationship). Is it possible to forgive an act like this? I am 27 and he is nearly 38 so I thought he would know better being that little bit older. He keeps saying that he wouldn't do it again because he is committed to me now but can I really trust this? How do I know that if he goes away again without me and if alcohol and drugs are involved that he won't cheat on me again? As I said, I really want to stay with him as I really do love him but I struggle with the awful visuals I get of him being with someone else and also struggle with whether or not he will do this again in the future. You probably think this is pretty ridiculous because it happened at the beginning of our relationship a few months ago and we're not even married but it still hurts all the same. Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I'm really confused about what I should do. And it would be great to get a guy's point of view. Thanks heaps! Mel

Thanks WorkingThruIt, I am sorry to hear that you are having to deal with an infidelity issue like me but am glad to hear you and your wife are not giving up. It must be so hard but you have certainly given me hope that all is not lost. I would like to say that in the first 6 weeks of my relationship things weren't serious but they were - and I really thought he felt that too. We were staying at each other's house a 2 or 3 nights a week and he would invite me to go to social things with him. I guess, though, it was never actually stated that it was going to be a long term relationship - but it was my understanding that was the case (judging from his actions also). I had been suspicious that he had cheated over the last few months and each time I had approached him about it he blatantly lied to me. He justifies this by saying that he didn't want to wreck what we now have - that being a committed relationship. He said at the beginning he wasn't sure where it would lead. I wish he would have told me that at the time though. The hard part now is getting past it. We've been together 6 months now and it happened 6 weeks in so does it sound silly for me to be concerned about it happening again? He's already getting annoyed because I'm asking so many questions about it - he just wants to forget about it. I need to be able to ask things though, so I can try and start to get over it - it's a healing process. It makes me sick to think of him with someone else - I'm sure you understand that. It must be hard in a marriage situation to forgive infidelity. I feel bad to be going on about what my boyfriend did when we're not even married and it was quite early on in our relationship - I hope you don't think I'm being silly. And you're right about counselling. I think it's a good option - especially in a marriage. The one major hurdle I need to get over is being able to trust him again. How do I know that this was just a stupid mistake early on, and not an indication of further infidelities?? It's really hard but I suppose I'll get there eventually. Thanks so much for all your help.

You poor thing, It's so hard when the person you love has lied straight to your face. I totally understand where you're coming from. For 4 months I asked my boyfriend if he cheated on me with a particular girl and the whole time it was "no, you're wrong". THEN 2 days ago I found out the truth. That's what hurts the most doesn't it - the lying. Well babe, I would like to help you with info in relation to hiring a P.I. but I really don't know much about them also I live in Australia so I'm sure there will be some differences - the price being one of them. You deserve someone who will put you first all the time and be honest with you. I hope that you find some answers so you can make the decision that is right for you. And don't ever be too afraid to leave him because you live with him. I know it makes things a whole lot harder but if the situation really is that bad and you can't trust him then you need to look after yourself first. Good luck sweetie and I'm sorry I can't be of any constructive help. Mel

Hi everyone, I started seeing a guy exactly 6 months ago. However, just 2 days ago he admitted that six weeks into our relationship he had a one night stand. I had suspected this for a while but he always denied it. He said it didn't mean anything and at that stage he was unsure of having such a full-on relationship with me. However, since then, he has developed a committed relationship with me and this is why he had lied to me about it - because he didn't want to lose me. Needless to say, I am very hurt and my self esteem has taken a dive. However, I love him and would very much like to believe it would never happen again (given that it happened early on in our relationship). Is it possible to forgive an act like this? I am 26 and he is 37 so I thought he would know better being that little bit older. Should I stay with him and try to put this behind us? Or is it a case of "once a cheater, always a cheater"? Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I'm really confused about what I should do. Thanks everyone.

Hi everyone, I started seeing a guy exactly 6 months ago. However, just 2 days ago he admitted that six weeks into our relationship he had a one night stand. I had suspected this for a while but he always denied it. He said it didn't mean anything and at that stage he was unsure of having such a full-on relationship with me. However, since then, he has developed a committed relationship with me and this is why he had lied to me about it - because he didn't want to lose me. Needless to say, I am very hurt and my self esteem has taken a dive. However, I love him and would very much like to believe it would never happen again (given that it happened early on in our relationship). Is it possible to forgive an act like this? I am 26 and he is 37 so I thought he would know better being that little bit older. Should I stay with him and try to put this behind us? Or is it a case of "once a cheater, always a cheater"? Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I'm really confused about what I should do. Thanks everyone. [/code]