Tanzi

I don't mean to be rude but why does he need to give you a Mother's Day card or gift? You aren't his mother. In that respect, I feel the card was a nice gesture. He also pays when you dine out which doesn't sound like being a cheapskate to me. How often do you eat at home? I gather you don't live together so aren't sharing the cost of anything? Do you eat at his? How long have you known him?

Why not meet and then make a judgement call? You’re making a lot of assumptions based on the fact that she isn’t being as flirtatious as you. Maybe she has standards! Maybe she wants to meet you first. There’s nothing worse then flirting with someone who you later realise you have zero attention for.

She has rejected you over and over so why are you focussing on her feeling rejected? This is her choice, not yours. She knows that. You were spot on when you said you were her source of comfort. If she “returns” any time soon, it will be for THAT reason only. Despite all of her contact and reaching out she has still made it perfectly clear that she doesn’t want a relationship. The way to equip yourself for this is to stop responding to her altogether and REALLY focus on moving on. At the moment, you are focussing on her coming back to you and you are hoping NC will do that. If you keep responding to her and offering up comfort and security, she will keep on coming back for it …. and you will be stuck in this same emotional cycle. Is that what you really want? I know it is soooo easy for us to say ignore her ….. and the truth is you probably won’t. But if she does reach out again, remind yourself WHY she is reaching out. And if you must respond, stop making yourself her source of comfort …. stop being her friend … stop making her want to reach out to you because that is what you have been doing and you’ve been doing that for one reason and one reason only. The truth is, if you were serious about moving on from her, you would have blocked her by now.

The poor girl. Where are her parents? Any other relatives? it’s easy to see why she would be leaning on you and even why she would be building an attachment to you …. but what you really want …. want anyone who cares about her should want … is to help her get out of this abusive marriage and to a safe place. Be a friend but, as DarkCh0c0 mentioned above, tone it down. Put all romantic feelings aside. When she is able to leave this marriage, it will be friends she needs not another relationship. She will need therapy and time on her own to build up her emotional strength before heading into something else. Have you discussed the options she has? She could be viewing you as her only means of escape. That could be dangerous because she is waiting for something that may not happen, we’ll shouldn’t happen …. yet she has other options. Discuss these with her. Let her know you’ll always be there as a friend. As much as this girl wants to leave her husband, she will be afraid too. He would have made sure of that. She needs encouragement and help to make it on her own. If there is something real between you, that can happen further down the line. That isn’t the priority right now. Getting her out is.

There are NO excuses for insisting on sex. He is nice to you because it gets him sex but he has no idea how to really treat you. This has disaster written all over his giant sized condom!

He has flirted with you for 13 years? Has he been with his wife all that time? Why hasn’t he left her yet if he isn’t happy? And what do you mean you’re “against love and relationships”? In what way? The above aside, you’ve done the right thing by stepping away. This man has cheated on his wife before and is prepared to do so again. I doubt he cares who he hurts in the process. Stay away from him. Look upon your new job as a new chapter in your life. You’re going to be meeting new people and possibly making new friends. These things should help you move forward. Just don’t look back. Close that chapter.

Although he may be good to your kids and as much as you may try to hide this man's actions, they will see, hear and know what is going on. They will grow up thinking this is normal. As their mother, this is NOT an environment you should allow them to grow up in. It WILL damage them and possibly even damage your relationship with them in the future. For goodness sake, put your children first and get rid of this horrible man.

That is what I thought at first but then OP said this ...... Agree with this ..... Dogs are a full on commitment one way or another.

Maybe, after 10 years, she has finally had enough of living in the shadow of your previous marriage … and you can’t really blame her. It sounds to me like she’s doesn’t want to live another 10 years like that. She has made her decision, all you can do is respect that. Maybe you should take this time to reflect on why you have continued to feel this guilt. You’ve stayed stuck in that place for ten long years. Could you still be emotionally connected to your ex-wife in some way?

So they’ve brought their dog to your home but won’t allow you the same courtesy? Well, based on their double standards, I’d bow out.

Yes, he wants to move on with this girl. There is no way she would want him to have any contact with you so he obviously had second thoughts about you following him Instagram. Don't make excuses for him. He played you both. Now he wants to continue to make it work with her and she has chosen to forgiven him. Leave them be. Why would you want to mess around with a guy who so easily played two women anyway? You would never be able to trust him.

I was going to reply and say the same thing. I kept my married name when I divorced because I too wanted to have the same surname as my children, especially whilst they were going through school.

So what are you sticking around for? Clearly you are not happy with his actions and don't trust him. It makes no sense. And him ignoring you isn't being rude? Besides, it's not rude when you are doing it for your own emotional well-being. You don't owe him anything. You are making excuses here. Why so angry? Again, if you feel that strongly about his actions why are you having anything to do with him? There is nothing that this guy is doing that is making you happy ... NOTHING ... and, quite frankly, it doesn't sound as though you even like him. I really don't know what you want us to say. If we tell you to move on and block him, you say it's rude yet if we try and shed some light on his behaviour, you think we are defending his actions and you don't like it.

The bottom line is, this is it. It isn’t going change, no matter how hard you protest. You either accept things the way they are or you end things now before it gets any harder. Ending things now will give you the opportunity to find someone who you can be truly happy with.

This thread is over a year old.

I am so sorry this is happening, OP. The bottom line is, you need to get out of this relationship. It isn’t making you happy. You don’t have to be in a relationship. You can be on your own. You said you missed out on certain things in life, we’ll maybe you’ve missed out on being single and growing as your own person. Your life doesn’t just have to be a choice between Matt or Troy. What you are describing isn’t just arguing. Troy is jealous and controlling and no doubt views you as one of his materialistic possessions. The likelyhood is that this will get worse over time. He already hates your family. This is typical of people like Troy. He doesn’t want anyone else in your life who may have any influence over you. I bet he doesn’t much care for your friends or colleagues either (especially the male ones). He wants to be the main one … the ONLY one … to have influence over you. Ask yourself these questions ….. Is this the role model you want for your son? Do you want your son to grow up seeing, knowing you are unhappy? For both your sakes get out now. Get to a happy place by yourself. Enjoy your time with your son. That way … when it comes to romance/relationship/sex … you will be able to make the right choice for you, coming from a much stronger place.

No problem. Thing is, you are focussing on the good things that happened in the relationship and forgetting the bad. You need to remind yourself of those. You know that real life won't match your fantasy. Did this all start when you heard he was getting married? How are things with your husband?

You know what life would have been like … non-consential sex (ie. rape) and emotional abuse. You left him for a reason, remember? Becoming a mum is very hard, you lose your identity as your self …. and if you are a stay-at-home mum (like I was in the early days), you are a dependent wife as well as a full-time mother, trying to keep everyone and everything ticking along. It’s easy to forget that you once had a very different life where you only had to think of yourself. It could be that you are missing aspects of your old life. Maybe you and your husband should make some time for each other (a date night for example). Maybe make some time to catch up with friends to feel your old self again. Getting yourself out of the home makes you appreciate what you have in the home instead of dreaming of a different life outside of it.

When you say he wanted you to “hook up” with this guy, did he mean for sex or more as a couple because the above sounds more like the sort of things you’d say when setting someone up on a blind date as opposed to sex.

It depends how drunk they were. People can do really stupid things and not even remember the next day …. but it doesn’t sound like he was that drunk. Regardless, he put you in an awkward (if not horrible) situation and that really isn’t on.

…. Until he gets drunk again and tells him. He was drunk. He wasn’t thinking through what he was doing. Nevertheless, it seems there’s something bubbling away under the surface. Unless you are both still on the same page with this situation, it could get messy very quickly.

Good because a 40 year old guy who blocks you because he didn't like you going to a nightclub and then unblocks you when he has had time to cool down is only going to make your life a misery in the future. If he can pull a stunt like this after just two weeks just imagine what he can do later on down the line when you don't jump to his tune.

Urgh, why are you still with this guy? He’s horrible and disrespectful. Don’t you want a guy to love you for you, whether you are wearing make up or not amd to say lovely things to you? He’s nasty … and this is just the start of it.

The OP hasn’t been back to answer any of the questions, (ie. is it a milestone birthday or what the family traditions are). Anyways, I see the best option here is to try to do both if it is feasible ….. or if you can’t then you’ll have to explain to the family member that you had already made plans. That said, as a wife (well once upon a time), if my husband (and I) had been invited to “our” nieces or nephews birthday party and I knew he wanted to go, I would have happily chosen another day to celebrate our anniversary on. Assuming that the niece/nephew is on the husband’s side, I wouldn’t begrudge him wanting to attend a family gathering. Life’s too short! Enjoy two celebrations instead of one!

But that is what social media is all about. You don’t have to accept the request if you don’t want to. If this sort of thing bothers you, then stay away from social media!