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Raoul

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About Raoul

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  • Birthday April 14

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  1. This is so important. When my marriage ended, I made the decision to do this. My 'logic' was that, if our kids could look back from their later 20s and see that I was there for them, was not bitter about what had happened and that I had been there for them, it would be worth it. Almost 8 years later, being true to that has been one of the best things I ever did. Addendum - There is nothing 'fair' about how your marriage is ending. And there is nothing you can do about that. Learn to live a life true to yourself and do the best for your kids that you can.
  2. If there has ever been anyone beneath (not worthy of even) your contempt, it is your wife's paramour. And many here have been in your situation. Ask yourself what has he 'won', what has he achieved? He has a woman that came to him via an affair and that may leave him the same way. He has broken a family. He is worthy of being scraped off of your shoe and nothing more. Snicker at him and his empty 'victory'. He is already broken for only broken people do these things.
  3. Having your life upended by infidelity and divorce is to say the least, disorienting. You are only going to get used to so much of it. It does start to get better. But you need to recognize that you are trying to get used to things that you don't want to get used to. And that takes time. All the things you mention are ways to manage the stress and roller coaster of emotions. Regular physical exercise and counseling are two things that went the furthest for me in helping me accommodate in the early going and contributed most to adapting to doing all those things that you really don't want t
  4. __________ Don't paint all marriage with a broad brush because you are having a tough time with your marriage right now. You have more important things to be doing. Did you file for divorce? Have you protected yourself and your children financially? Are you getting emotional support for yourself and your children? You can explore the institution of marriage and your thoughts about it later, maybe with a therapist or counselor of some sort.
  5. I __________ If "ASAP" means filing right now, today or before noon tomorrow, that's okay. If "ASAP" to protect yourself financially means right now or before noon tomorrow, that's okay. Anything else is not okay. The date you file for divorce is the date that courts look to as demarcation of your financial exposure to be divided however that happens where you live. But if she raids or vacates any of your financial accounts or assets, even though the court may eventually tell her to give half of it back, you will never see any of it again. Once you do these, you have no need to tal
  6. __________ For now, yes, it is stupid. So stop that. Seven years back when my now ex-wife of 24 years was caught with her affair, I asked her if she would stop seeing 'him' and work on the marriage. She said simply "I can't do that right now". I told her that I was filing for divorce later that day (and I did). I also told her two other things - that under no circumstances would I: 1) leave our home or 2) leave our children. Right now, your erstwhile wife is using you, your children and your home as a safety net. She gets to pretend that she can have all that and her dirtbag. She is
  7. I'm not sure why I never saw this thread before. But it is a great one! Thank you SD! Between you and mhowe, it is wonderful that you both have shared your stories in such detail.
  8. Jeff, Shield support is federal. Messing with it can land you in prison.
  9. Lost, Every little thing with my ex seems to end up either in court or a battle royal between our lawyers which costs a mint and accomplishes just about nothing. I wish you well in finding a more reasonable path.
  10. Jeff, Benga is right. As children reach their teens, which parent sees them the most and is there for them the most makes differences that cannot be codified in court orders or seen as 'fair' by the parent that does not see the kids as much. My three (now 22, 20 and 17 - boy, boy, girl) spend nearly all of their time with me and have done so for many years. This drives their mother crazy. So they get the same thing you do - that I 'have turned them against her '. I get the homework, housework and expense of having them. But I also get the joy and enlightenment that having them around br
  11. Reconciliation is rare and for many reasons. But people come here for perspective and advice on just that. I am not sure who appointed several of you as 'killers of false hope' (or even recognizers of false hope). Your own experiences can help others here. But if you're just going to show up and tell people that because you didn't make it they can't, you should go suck lemons as that may improve your respective dispositions. So offer your perspectives. But hold your dourness for those that request it.
  12. Trust is what goes in a breakup. And it's very difficult to re-establish. It can be done. But it's hard work, take a lot of emotional courage and more patience than most people have. But sometimes it's worth the effort, even if it fails.
  13. Sometimes (my case at least) the 'dumper' may be upset or frightened with the dumper. I had to back off a woman I am still in love with. We both had a lot of life 'stuff' going on. We went through 3 different rounds of her breaking dates in the same week at the last minute. Each time, each reason, excuse (what's the difference?) was plausible. I got despondent. She knew I was having trouble with things as they were as during the second round of broken dates, I told her that I wasn't sure how much. I could take. At some point, protecting my heart moved to the fore for me. And I stopped cont
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