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guest1974

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  1. Because our words are always to close to us to judge, I wonder how you would feel if your girlfriend gave you this poem in a card. We've dated about a year, and have exchanged some poetry, but not specifically written for eachother. Your thoughts? Interpretations? Criticisms, opinions, suggestions are welcome. A CARTOGRAPHER OBSESSED: I do not know why you transformed, or quite when To what you are now, from what you were before, But you lit up for me, so much more than a man, The portent missed that sunny day I saw you first, When you and all the background were the same, mundane A person among so many in the world before me, Who would so fill my world. My eyes suddenly see all things And love all things that they see, Fine details precious, and so deeply important The lilt of your speech when you’re trying to please me The tilt of your head to set the tone of your point, Your jaw in a line as hard as your lines All of these things I just suddenly saw Play like melodies of favorite songs. In spite of me the chorus is defined Repeated unbidden, chapter and line...a balm to soothe this tired mind. An oasis, as potent as midsummer night wine Relieving as a midday rest sprawled out and splayed accross your chest, A bar of sunlight on our bed, your arm beneath my tousled head Or the distraction of your eyes, I see them still - can look to you, upon your face and feel, if you will, all their brilliance or hear silently the voice that deafens me to the rest, its resonance. Perpetually drunken of us Images of your fingers that speak along side you, The curve of your mouth, The rising within me, and flinging of my far fetched fantasies, my swelling mobius…. I am the zealous cartographer, And circumnavigate each night Every peak, niche and valley with insatiable appetite and zest, a tender love nonetheless.... Mapping the details of us with passionate vigor, adoration and rigor You are here with me and I am stricken My voice mute to reveal, to orate the beauty that breathes as the space between you and I is reduced to a whisper... assuage the ponderance of my heavy heart, signify, begin to unveil the world within, stirring, churning, with anticipation, poised with intent- relaying only an ember of this fire that burns me...
  2. my mother is severely bi-polar (history of suicide attempts/hospitalization) father is mentally ill (paranoid/obsessive compulsive disorder) both parents were mentally/emotionally/verbally/physically abusive i also have a stepfather who was the same i have a history of rejection back to my early childhood (was severely bullied all through school with few friends) i got pregnant twice. both times, i was abandoned. my 2 serious boyfriends both broke up with me telling me they did not love me. neither father will have anything to do with me or the children. one of them was someone i loved deeply, who screamed at me and broke up with me while i was delivering our premature child. i eventually got over him and found someone else, who after many years admitted that he just didn't love me, and left me too. i can count that everyone i have ever loved has abandoned me. including my parents - who sent me away despite my good behaviour, an unwanted teenager in the middle of their new marriage. at home, i am emotionally erratic with mood problems. i go from highs, to lows, to devastating anger. i frequently suffer insomnia, anxiety attacks, panic, depression, and have often starved myself or been bulimic. there are also days where i barely move at all - almost unable to even wake up and face the world. i'm very dysfunctional, i cannot keep up with housework, ignoring tasks & chores that are simply insurmountable. I frequently yell at the children because i feel so overwhelmed. afterwords, i feel horrible, adding to the burden of despair that is already a mountain. i am insecure and very distracted at jobs....i cannot get up in the morning it seems although i've tried for years...i cannot focus on my work and sometimes have been fired...other times i've done okay. i simply cannot organize my mind to function as an adult. financially, i am impusive and at risk most of the time. socially, i tend to alienate people fairly quickly with my overly nervous and talkative nature. people sense that there is discord in me, and stay away. i realize that my capacity for caring - which as a sensitive child was so vast - shrinks every day. it becomes more and more difficult to feel love or affection for others....i simply am losing the capacity to have any positive feelings at all. i understand that all of this is terrible. i have been wrestling the ugly monster that is myself my entire life and have yet to become a person who can function anywhere near normal. i often feel hatred toward people in my family as well as others in my life, an emotion that is truly a disease in itself. my hatred has occasionally snapped into full blown episodes of rage...verbal firestorms when i scream at the top of my lungs and have completely 'gone crazy', unable to calm down. it has happened about 6 times in my life, each episode is frightening. i haven't hurt anybody, but i fear one day i could. i have also suffered mental breakdowns where i have cried so uncontrollably that i have become completely unhinged, unable to think or behave rationally. my mind gets very confused and muddled, and i cannot find my way out of the misery for hours....simply laying in bed, crying without pause for far longer than a normal person should. knowing that my problems will likely cause me to be alone until i die is a daily torture that worsens the already horrible situation. i cannot cope and have seeked a counselor, but he is just not effective. I have no friends. there are many days i feel like jumping off the balcony because i think the children would be far better off without me...and because i can't bear to endure what my life is. i've learned that despite what i want to become - i simply do not have the ability to accomplish anything. i am immature, unstable, unmotivated, negative and miserable, leaving me without any tools with which to build a healthy life. i feel as though i have exhausted myself attempting to make a real life for me and the children, and have seen no results. i am so tired of lying to the world that everything is okay, and seeing the pity and understanding on their faces....it generates a rage in me to see it, so i cannot ask for any more help. i'm only being honest here because it is anonymous. i just don't know what to do anymore.
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