90_hour_sleep

Have you always known that you'd climb out of the abyss? I think that's what's troubling for society en masse. There's such a fine thread of distinction between the natural oscillations and those that have stepped beyond a mere oscillation into something more permanent (a chronic depression, or similar). And there's a taboo there, so-called 'mental illness'. I think sometimes we're less concerned for the person who may be suffering, and more concerned for ourselves in that we have no idea how to respond or help someone who is living under the veil of that taboo. I'm sure most of us have good intentions, but the reality is that the discomfort of others is something most of us find unsettling at the very least. We'll do anything to escape that sense of unease. In most places, it's not really okay to not be okay. I think it has a lot to do with shame.

I often feel this way. No rhyme or reason to it, really. The natural oscillations of life perhaps. Fluid...as quirky put it. Makes me think of the ocean, actually. Always moving. High...low...high...low. The highs are sometimes higher, and the lows are sometimes lower. Neither takes precedent over the other though. There's balance somehow...always balance. Tomorrow always comes though...one way or the other. Seems like a good idea to make a note of how the emotions always pass...of how nothing is ever so permanent as it feels in the moment of feeling. It's nice here too. Sunshine.

Shantaram...after several recommendations.

hi IAG... merry christmas...and all that jazz. happy -36. are you feeling the freezing rain madness in your neck of the woods? kind of feeling your vibe here. this time of year really has the ability to stir things up on the emotional front. here's to growth. you never struck me as the introvert. but, your description of christmas shopping and your bookstore solace sort of confirms it. i think ENA is an introvert haven, actually. pondering the resentment. kind of sneaks up on you...doesn't it? it's hard to pin down though. so easy for the waters to be all muddied with it. i think it has a tendency to get lost in the confusion of relating with someone. well...that's what i've noticed at least. could be different for you. personally...i always find it really sneaks up on me. i'm usually so wrapped up in my own thoughts that i don't even notice what's brewing. and then, all of a sudden i find myself in a familiar place. in some ways, it's a place where i'm blaming someone else for what's wrong. but, on a deeper level...it's something that blinds me to anything and everything that could be warm and comforting about a relationship. i just sink into the resentment...but without even acknowledging it as resentment. battery is going to die. hoping you're well.

Hey JN, I'm curious how this journal has affected your life. Have you noticed a significant change in how you view the world?

************

jeez... i always hated the original of this song. conjured all sorts of feelings of guilt or shame or some combination of those two lovelies (and in all honesty, bonnie raitt kind of gets on my nerves). but this version... cathartic. you said it. i'm feeling soothed...almost achingly so. seems to be hitting the right spot just now. a release of sorts. i let go of a bit of baggage just now. not the really heavy stuff...but rather fresh from the vantage of a bigger perspective. i'm not sure i know what it feels like to be on the writer's side of this. i can imagine...but i don't think i really know. never knew you had a journal. but read some passages this morning...listened to a few tunes. reminded of something you said to me in regards to my own writings. a vague sort of resonance. i'm feeling (what i imagine to be) the same thing right now with your words. like there's someone out there who feels things that i feel in such a way that it's familiar...recognizable. that it almost transcends the words. it's vague...but so familiar. agh...that sounds cryptic...but i'm not sure of how else to put it. your words speak. the music speaks. and you posted some old school final fantasy. maybe that's one of those hipsterish trifecta thingys?? haha. a triangle of resonance. hahaha. sorry. i enjoy your thoughts. i can totally picture that too. weird.

^^^ up a few posts... mary oliver... and her honey tree. thrilled to see that the gratitude movement is still alive and thriving, JN. i'm grateful for new experience...and the people who inspire by living with purpose. the people...the people. i love the people.

i can't rep you for this. but i wanted to. just read it aloud...to my mom. something new that i hadn't yet read myself. strange power in words...to hear them...to physically coax the sound up and out of the lungs...and set the cords to vibrating. they change. somehow...become alive...energized...truly substantial. this was an interesting moment for me, and it seems fitting that you should be the one to have provided it...and that it occurred here in this journal. my mom expressed gratitude for me. she feels as though...for so long she was my teacher, and that now, i have become her teacher. of course...there's still much mutual exchange...but i appreciated what she was saying for what it was worth. gratitude. and how grateful am i to be there in that capacity...for someone. especially my own mother? i can hardly find the words to describe how that feels. jn...i'm grateful for you presence here...for bringing gratitude to the forefront. vampy...i'm grateful for your presence here...in so many ways. and not just here thank you both.

this is beautiful, jn.

this is nice...

great tread, jn. has it made a difference?

did you ever read 'the dark tower', ethereal? not his typical stuff. but i really enjoyed the first few books.

i concur. and not trashy at all. the language is easy...but the content is compelling all all too relevant. i've yet to encounter the person (young or old) who didn't get something from it. it's 1984 meets brave new world...with a younger cast. i liked it.

enjoyed both of these. ha. laughed a bit when i discovered the hunger games in the 'young adult' section of the bookstore! still enjoyed it. ''five people you meet in heaven''... it's been part of a growing stack on my floor for almost 5 years.

isn't he the ''into the wild'' guy?

what's the significance of the leg? never seen anything quite like that in the flesh. i like it.

island - aldous huxley

i concur...100% ps...love your signature, petite.

cell phone!!! wow. aww...now i'm all piano nostalgic. apartments frown on such instruments.

wham!!! this one hits me for some reason. remember holing myself up for days playing when my first girlfriend left me. oh...the memories!!! haha. actually...i think it worked some healing magic. very therapeutic. very nice!

you know...keep that in focus...always!!! if/when you feel like you're slipping...remember...''i want to feel good''. i'm in the midst of a breakup too...but it's not with another person. suffice to say...it's been a toxic part of my life...and the motivation now is to feel good. it's simple. the bottom line...holding on is not helping you to feel good. you know that...and that's why you're here...saying goodbye. remember this. do not doubt your decision. you've come to this point because you're tired of feeling miserable. write it down. shift your perception. become healed. it's not a destination...it's where you are right now. make it your intention in life. ''i want to feel good. i want to feel good. i want to feel good.'' with this focus...you will feel good.

hi!! i don't really think about you anymore (dunno when that happened exactly...but it was quite awhile ago). life moved on. but...strangely enough...i had a dream about you last night. and...for a fleeting moment...i thought about saying hello. but...really...i've moved on...you've moved on. wow!! we're both alive and thriving!! yep...who knew it would come to this point. fought SOOO hard against letting go of the hope. ridiculous in retrospect. but...somehow necessary. could not have been any other way.

i'm hijacking this sentiment. has nothing to do with a breakup for me...but it's perfect. thank you

day 487 (okay...so i probably made that number up...)...and...oh let's say roughly two years since i've seen her... but...seriously...it'd been a VERY long time...and for reasons that had nothing to do with me...i had to make contact. was it awkward? yes it was. did it stir up some old feelings? yes it did. does that mean i'm not healed? probably not. it was only a feeling...fleeting. it came...and it went. i'm not exactly an advocate of no contact...but for me...there wasn't really a choice. it just happened. and perhaps that's the natural course of things. someone leaves...and then...there are two people that are no longer together. thus begins a process of letting go. some of us choose not to...because that prospect seems like it will hurt more. but it doesn't. holding on is what ultimately hurts. life is full of natural cycles. things begin...things end. it's a perpetual state of transition. and resisting that...fighting it with everything we have...THAT is what hurts. hope feels so good sometimes...but we cling to that hope. it keeps us stuck right where we are...paralyzed...rooted indefinitely to the ground we're on. we refuse to let go...because it feels like we're letting go of a part of who we are. we attach storylines to this feeling. we keep the dialogue running in the background...because sometimes we feel that it's the only thing that keeps us going. we become obsessed. our thoughts are out of control. we feed them. we keep the story alive...because we're terrified of feeling pain. and...it destroys us...breaks us down. we suffer. the funny thing is...this process of suffering becomes our greatest ally. we come to accept the pain...sometimes only tiny glimmers at a time. but we finally feel it. now...there are holes in the story. we begin to stop feeding our hope. our bits of armour begin to fall away...one piece at a time. we let ourselves feel...and with that feeling...the pain begins to dissolve. we find clarity. we begin to let go. we choose acceptance. we learn to live again. i came here two years ago...desperate to hold on. but like so many others here...i found my way through. it took a long time...but sitting here now...the pain of that time is gone. so...if you're here...beginning your journey...know that you'll find your way. it won't always feel this way. you'll figure things out. you'll find your own clarity. piece by piece...you'll let it go. the cycles will always come and go...and this experience will be your greatest teacher.