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abitbroken

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Everything posted by abitbroken

  1. It's often a situation which just needs to be accepted as part of a partner's history and part of the whole package - but this is very different to actually creating a child with someone else when you're already in a committed relationship with her. ^This. And I would assume after three years, this is a curveball. It would make me doubt if my boyfriend was serious about a future with me. It isn't an everyday thing that happens to most people out of the standard playbook (outside of movies and talk shows). Also, what if a woman asked a married man to do this, etc? I would think that since he was in a relationship, the women would have considered this too or would have wanted her to feel comfortable also. heck, I think the girlfriend has full license to her emotions.
  2. If I was the girlfriend, I would have hoped my boyfriend would have talked to me about it when the couple asked him to do it, not after he had discussed it at length with them and got to the point where he considered it enough to ask his family about it. If they are in a relationship that might lead to marriage and kids, the first thing is instead of polling the peanut gallery is to inform her of being approached. And if she states that it is a dealbreaker for her, it goes no further. There are a lot of potential issues here even if it involves a turkey baster or a clinic lab environment and no sex. There is the issue of seeing that its not sacred for him to be looking forward to having a child with the girlfriend first and foremost. They may differ on their views of gay couples raising biological children, etc, and also most of the time if the lesbian couple knows the father and its not just some random guy from a sperm bank, he will see his child and potentially be a part of the child's life - a life she will be left out of because she legally isn't the stepmom per se if the legal parents are the lesbian couple but might if the lines are blurred have a relationship with the child somehow. If my sister had radical medical problems that allowed her to have eggs but not carry a baby and she asked me to be a surrogate or asked to use my eggs, it would be a decision carefully decided with my boyfriend. Obviously he couldn't say "do it" and I don't want to, but his opinions would be the first that I would consider since he is my future husband. What if i did this and then I was infertile and we were not able to have our own? Would we regret it?
  3. people don't get help until they perceive they hit rock bottom. I think you should consult an attorney and separate from her - officially and legally. Do whatever you can between flex time and the help of relatives to make sure the kids are where they need to be. Be careful to document, because a husband who controls the internet can be seen as abusive and controlling if she presents that issue first, so you can be seen as doing it for good reason. -------- I do agree in taking a deep breath so you have your ducks in a row first rather than dramatically kicking her out one night. WHo knows, in a seperation she can hit rock bottom but she may never.
  4. I would take digestive enzymes - eat yogurt and go to a health food store and get some supplements of healthy bacteria that are in the refrigerated section. It will help with getting your stomach back after the food poisioning and the other issue.
  5. I would start job hunting. And I would stop meeting for sex. Tell him that you decided that it you shouldn't be meeting like this. He has a girlfriend and you shouldn't be doing this since it might put your job in jeopardy.
  6. I agree with DN. Also, if you were to get him back, the only way is to heal is to move on - so that when you do talk to him, you aren't begging and crying. He won't take you back as the same person you were and if you do all that, he will just be reminded on why it ended. ALso, if you have moved away to school, etc, it is a big transition in both of your lives. In 3 months, a year you may even say "ex boyfriend WHO?" To heal, I would unfollow him on Twitter and just stop reading his updates. Excuse the expression, but he needs to be dead to you in order for your heart to heal rather than healing just enough in order to win him back. Once you heal for YOU - who knows - you may run into eachother some day and get back together or never see eachother again. But you won't fall apart either way.
  7. How long were you together? That may play a factor? I agree - this is not out of the ordinary. The only thing I would have done different perhaps would be to really give him space. In some cases, the kind weekly emails or trying to help him with his mother's stuff would be too much for someone because they would be regularly reminded that you are sitting there waiting for an answer. I probably would have told him to contact you when he is ready to talk and then disappear. I normally don't advocate that for breakups = to allow the other person to have the power of when to call,but in this case, you don't know how much space he needs. Once my ex broke up with me not because I was the problem but because his family was going through stuff and he couldn't handle one more person or couldn't worry about maintaining a relationship because he would feel bad if he didn't call, take me on dates, etc. I really think that maybe something hit home when it came time for you to step inside the home his mother lived in, etc. To him, it might have been something he needed to do to grieve on his own. I know when I had to do the hard thing of moving after a divorce which is not death of course, I got emotionally, snappy and mean to people who were saying "oh, you don't need this" "can i have this?" or "let me throw this away." i was OKAY with people initially offering but once they got there, I couldn't handle it. I think you did all you could, and I would just give him a mile of space. Either move on, or let him contact you next.
  8. This is a lot of air clearing and convincing for having only went out with this girl a short time.
  9. abitbroken, you were right about what you said before: The 'physical' can be taken slowly, but the 'emotional' cannot (if it's there, it's there). That's what I was so confused about earlier. But i'm fairly certain that the 'emotional' is there for her, but she's giving it a tough time allowing it in. I'd like to hear your thoughts on that (if I make any sense haha). You are playing psychologist as far as diagnosing that she has emotions but doesn't want to let them in. No matter the emotions she has, she is being very clear with you that she doesn't want to be in a relationship. She is clearly still hurting from her last breakup and is transferring her fears about her ex and about future relationships on to you. She is giving you mixed messages by fooling around in the sack with you, but still telling you "no." I think it was in your best interest with her first sign of resistance to NOT be sexual with her because sex and other physical intimacy stirs up a lot of feelings and they dont just have to be feeling of attachment, but it can also stir up old unfinished emotional business and what ever else is raw. She is not clearly ready because she is already treating you like you are a cheater - suspicious when you don't call or you aren't available or you go follow through with your commitments (tutoring), suspivious of crashing at your sisters. A gal who has healed just even a little will take you at face value until she suspects trouble. The "relationship" is NOT naturally progressing that way (into a relationship). You are looking at is: We are joking on text. CHECK. We slept together CHECK. She saw comfortable hanging out with me while she was with her friends CHECK. when in reality it should be . Met a girl CHECK. She and I are on the same page as far as wanting a relationship and we are in the process of seeing if eachother is the one for us before going exclusive CHECK. She is emotionally available, as am I CHECK I think that you are out to prove to this girl who you really are, but you cannot prove anything to her because she can't see it that way and is not prepared for. She is putting you in a box. Just a question: why do you sleep at so many peoples houses? Why not crash exclusively at your sisters house, or a friend etc instead of 4 different places? Also, are you really "near your mom" if you are in the city all the time and hardly home? It doesn't seem that if you moved near your mom to help her that it serves its purpose at all. Why not start socializing in the outer burrows and meet women outside of bars who live near home or move back to the city if you are never seeing mom because you are in the city - and btw, 45 minutes each way is not really that far to justify sofa surfing unless you stay out til 3 every night. To me, its not the sign of a 'grown up" when that occurs. Its one thing if you stay with someone for part of the week due to work, but flopping on a different sofa every night instead of cutting the night short to get home at a reasonable time on a regular basis if you are looking for women who are closer to your age doesn't really fly. It implies to gals that you are still a party boy versus are looking to settle down and meet someone serious. You are looking for a gal who lives in the right part of town so you can eventually crash with her, or at least that is what girls may think. Anyway, sorry for that diversion. But I think this girl is being loud and clear.
  10. There is a difference between stepping back as in not calling throughout the week or not always being a date initiator versus not being a date initiator and actively trolling bars to fill your time. I agree with your assessment that she is holding back. But even so, you have to stay aware. It is just like a woman who dates a man who seems to be intrigued by her and loves to spend time with her and they just seem to click but he tells her up front that he never wants kids or never wants to marry. Well, she hangs in there and notices they are getting closer and closer and assumes that things are a natural progression - they sleep together, eat together, and share stuff. Then she is stunned and heartbroken when they get to the point where she is ready to marry him and her heart is broken because he tells her he doesn't believe in marriage or doesn't want kids like its the carpet pulled out from under her. But he told her point blank in the beginning and she thought she could change him. Well, just don't rely on her wanting to go out with you again. Before you let yourself fall too hard, make sure she is on the same page and wants to really date you and be in a relationship. I guess my point is, that no matter what something looks like, if in their heart they aren't into it , they are going to do what feels good, but it doesn't mean they have changed what they want on the inside. Just be careful.
  11. Don't play games. If you decide to pull back, pull back because you decide not to be as invested for your own reasons. Don't pull back just to get a reaction out of her, because that would backfire. Also, some of my advice about not calling her so much and mix it up and date others does not apply once you have slept with her. I didn't know you had until after my original suggestion. If you end up continuing with this girl, but then date someone else and sleep with them before ending it with her - things could go badly for you and it will be nothing compared to what she thinks about you having met her while you were with someone else. What I mean by accepting dates is not to be "on the hunt" at the bar, but if you naturally meet someone not in a meet market but say you are a part of the whale watcher's club and there's a woman there you always seem to have good convos with and you go grab lunch with her and then end up deciding to date her for real and so you taper down or break it off with the first girl. Going out and conquesting women at bars is no better of a situation because you are going after the same 18-22 year old ladies who you complain are not serious.
  12. Agree - don't gchat important things! And btw be prepared for the answer. If she continues to say she doesn't want to get emotionally involved, you have your answer again.
  13. You might have taken me a bit out of context. I was addressing his thought of 'do all women handle relationships like her?. If a woman meets a guy she was excited to have met and be going out with, she might in her smitten mind imagine what things would be like for a moment down the road even if that sounds silly. I am guilty of thinking how my first name would sound with the last name of guys I have dated that I have been excited about or imagined what they would think of my folks being that they were a professional rodeo clown or whatever. It s not maybe what everyone does, but its natural and not weird. There are women who get smitten, etc., not every woman handles men with 'i don't want to get emotionally involved"
  14. I think even though the "date with the other girl shouldn't have been" you sort of violated some sort of code in the eyes of some women. When you are on a date, you don't wander from your date to meet another woman no matter how bad the date is - even if she bid on you in a bachelor charity auction, or its a bad blind date. You might have portrayed it as your foot was already out the door with the other woman, and it was, but in the appearances are everything. The "oh, we went on two dates and this third one isn't really a date" makes a woman worry - because that may be the way he talks about us if we are on the rocks with him or if our relationship is not new. We rather see a man carry out his date. If that means he doesn't meet us until after she goes home and he returns (if it really wasn't a date), or leaves our next meeting to chance then so be it. I can see why she would still think about that. If you have already slept with her, I am afraid to say your vision may be cloudy in that you are more likely to want to hang on to her after that occurs. BTW, I wouldn't have slept with a woman who doesn't want any emotional involvement unless you are in to casual sex. I know if the situation was reversed and you were a woman going after a man who told you he wasn't ready for a relationship, and then slept with him, there would be an eruption about physical attachment on the forum and why did you do it Sleeping an cuddling in one another's bed, etc - sex or no are intimate things that you do with someone you are emotionally involved. Okay, if you do say you 'don't see sex as attachment' - than its not the penetration but staying around to fall asleep in the other's arms Seriously, this girl has been telling you no, but you are doing all the things to insert yourself - no pun intended - to prove to her why she should feel differently. Btw, you say you are going to be nonchalant and not press her - but keep in mind what you are after. Don't just "put up" with her not wanting a relationship and finding that if you don't press her, she'll stick around and give you some of the things you want. Because if she sticks to her guns, you will either be heartbroken in the end or feel you don't know her at all because she doesn't share much with you. btw, when a woman says "she doesn't know the future", of course she doesn't. But believe me, if we like you and see potential, we have already thought about the potential future with you in our minds. We aren't weirdos wanting to get married tomorrow but we have tried the hat on for size in our minds wondering how it would be between us to sort of sort out in our minds if you are potential long term material or is their a kink in the wheel and we should not pursue any further. Just my two cents.
  15. You can't lose her, because you don't really have her. What you will lose is someone to go out with - an activity partner - not a gf. Also, if she doesn't want to be emotionally involved, how do you have deep feelings? I think the deep feelings are physical attraction. If you don't talk about your days, what you are going through and she doesn't want emotional involvement, the relationship is not really that deep.
  16. I think you need to go back to what she originally said - she doesn't want to be or doesn't think she wants to be in a relationship. She likes going out and those perks of having a guy but she doesn't want to get emotionally involved. She makes little comments wishing that you weren't so cute or sweet, because I think that makes it harder for her. She might feel a little guilty about doing this to you. She brought up the fact that you asked her out when you were with someone else was something that makes her hesitate. Were you dating someone else at the time or were you actually on a date with someone when you met her for the first time? Either way, it bothers her, plus just breaking something off in December. I think that she set out not to get serious and that is where her mind is at. I don't know if she is leaving the door open or not, but the fact that you were with someone and the fact that she wasn't looking for anything are sort of setting the tone here and it might me more about bad timing than anything. When someone is ready to be in a relationship and meets someone who they click with, they don't put up all these barriers of "I don't want emotional involvement." It all just happens and flows naturally. Not all women say "i don't want to date...but I will go out with you"
  17. I think that she is simply not ready to date. She has too much anger, as she even thought you were faking interest at first. I don't think I would take the tactic of sending her an email and ending it. I would at first simply not initiate quite as much as the first step. BTW, if you are looking for a quality relationship, don't use girls at the bar to 'get over" anyone. If you want to meet a young woman who is maybe in the 26-30 year old range and has a good head on her shoulders, the guy she makes out with at the bar is not a person she sees as boyfriend material, nor is she probably even hanging out at the bar to find men. I would meet this young woman you are dating in person and tell her "you know sally sue, I realize that I didn't really listen to what you were saying last time. I understand that you are not interested in a relationship and I respect that. I realize that I don't want that. I am looking for a relationship. it seems that what we are looking for don't match and I don't want to be led when I am starting to develop feelings. I do enjoy spending time with you, but I think we aren't looking for the same thing right now." It doesn't have to be dramatic. You guys both can choose whether to never see eachother again or only once in awhile. Maybe down the road she'll be more ready or maybe not. But maybe just not contacting her as much and accepting dates from others - things will naturally dwindle. But for both parties, if you don't match, I would just be honest with her. I know its hard - I left someone who I dated a bit because I just didn't see a future. We wanted such different things and I couldn't wait around hoping he'd change to what I wanted. I was glad I didn't wait
  18. I would normally say if you guys just started out casually, see where it goes. However, she was extremely clear to you when you asked about the lack of contact that she does not want to get involved. As I have found out in life and in listening to experiences on this board, you can't cajole or force someone into changing that. Her behavior to you aside from actual dates has backed up her words. Right now, that is not where you are at - you DO want a relationship. It is pretty clear. btw, if you were to be in a relationship with someone who wanted a relationship, would YOU be able to see them more than once a week? Would they be invited once in awhile to come along with this set schedule of friend time? Or would you be able to sneak in a late night dessert or a dinner during your work week? I would do one of two things here: 1) Be honest that you are looking for something else and end it. Tell her you really want to meet someone who is more wanting a potential relationship 2) don't be Mr. 90% anymore. Ask her out a little less to see if she steps up and asks you out more. And also at the same time, go out with other girls too. Be casual if its casual. Meet others and date multiple until you meet the one you click with or that this naturally dwindles down. But #2 would be hard if you already have feelings. It just depends on what you are looking to have.
  19. I think she just wants a guy on her arm, but not a relationship. If you like that - then okay. I would actually take your own advice and not initiate dates as much. Let her call you sometime for a date. Also, I think that if she really doesn't want a relationship and you do, that you move on. Explain that you like her a lot but are looking for a relationship. And stick to it. Or casually date others, as she probably surely is, until you find the right one.
  20. I agree - you need a business plan. Are you still working at the pharmacy? I would stay there for now. Take clients on your days off or at nights while you establish your clientele. If you are paying rent and its your own business, what about hiring someone? You wouldn't pay them hourly but they would be paid a percentage of the actual treatments they do, so when you are not working, money is still coming in. If you are a massage therapist, look into finding someone who is an aesthetician. Or find someone who does what you do but different hours than you would be able to. Or someone to answer the phone, sell people products and who knows how to do promotion work. Then when you start being busy every night and weekend, etc, then consider quitting at the pharmacy or going part time. This way you know that you will always be able to cover the rent as it takes some time to get a business going. Also be clear at how the hair place will promote you and vice versa - can you work out cross-promotins, etc? btw, Jurlique is an organic Australian brand that was well-liked at a place I used to go to. Aubrey is nice too but its more available everywhere at health food stores.
  21. What I think IS a fair question is where the relationship is going after 6 years, even if the question of faith is not there and it is a fair question to decide whether you two are compatible in the long run. Maybe not to answer to him, but to think about it for yourselves. Also, there are many people who attach themselves to Buddhism and they don't even know what its about and maybe he doesn't really know that that's not you.. It is more than "accept everybody" there are also things that Buddhists belief that is not anywhere near "whatever, whatever you want to believe is fine." that is what makes buddhism buddhism and not secularism or humanism. Anyway, some folks say their buddhists because they think cool: and maybe he believes that this may be you because he doesn't know. There honestly were friends of mine where it was a "phase." I did know someone who was serious about their buddhist faith and it was far form "i don't go to church so I'm buddhist" - he studied with monks and was a practicing buddhist - he was religious in other words. What I am trying to say is that because of this all, people who are not buddhists dont see everyone attaching to buddhism as serious - its something some friends were fervent about in college and then it fizzled out. If you respect her faith, then it could work, but Christians are taught to seek a life partner who is "equally yoked." I would actually out of respect for her learn about what she believes. Read about the teachings of Jesus Christ and decide for yourself whether it is something you believe or at least can support the belief in her. I am not saying read church doctrine, but actually read his words and meet people who have been changed and have faith. It will give you a better understanding whehter you an support her or not. And that will tell you a lot about whether it is something if you said you are willing to convert like you said or you are willing to at least be supportive of her. Normally, I understand where people are coming from of not wanting people to shove things down one's throat, but if you are considering marrying this girl someday, it is a FAIR thing to explore, wonder and think about if it is something that would be a dealbreaker for you or it is something you can merely tolerate or embrace. Above all, I would encourage her to attend church even if you don't go. You don't want it to be a codependent situation where she goes or doesn't go because she is trying to please or appease you. She can choose what she wants, of course, but she shouldn't feel like she can't go to church with her family or believe what she belives because she feels that you won't be with her. I know myself I help people in support groups connected with a place of worship but for awhile I didn't go because I wanted to be free for my boyfriend. But I changed what I do now. But the difference is we believe the same things, so a little different, but the same in the whole "not going because of a boyfriend". Also, because her dad JUST found out about you after 6 whole years maybe he wants to give you the once over beause he wonders why his daughter was keeping he relationship from him. wanted to know if there was a reason for concern or not
  22. I agree - that she didn't "let herself go". She has always dressed like this and you are trying to change her. If she dresses up for work or parties - then by gosh, take this girl out on the town once in awhile! You will have the best of both worlds - the girl that is frugal and wears her old shoes over and over and is "comfortable with you the way you are" and the hot momma. (to a lot of guys - a girl who can stretch the dollar is a prize later on compared to the gal who needs to buy all "the latest") You can't say you have a great relationship because you can be yourselves around eachother and then say you love her...but not this part. I bet you are not the "whole package" yourself but she accepts you the way you are. If you like her or her, she doesn't feel the need to overly spruce herself up "for you." There is no trading in girlfriends to get someone just like her, but just more fixed up because you won't find her. There is nothing wrong, btw, by giving her everyday clothes that are sexier as a birthday present if that's what you want, but that's different than nagging. To some reason a good, caring woman would be a prize even if she wear a potato sack. Also, "casual in a feminine way" - what does that mean? It is harder to explain to a girl than "getting new shoes" or "not wearing black". I seee where you are coming from, but at the same time, you should love her for who she is
  23. First, and foremost, you need to get tested for STDs. So does he. Don't be in denial about that. Even if he wasn't doing this while he was with you. There is no way he could have had oral without fluid exchange unless a condom was on it the whole time. And don't believe him if he says it was. because even "just that one time" is enough. You CAN get STDs even if there is no ejaculation if there are sores, etc, - a sore in someone's mouth and a small cut on someone's privates could be enough for some STDs. I think it was fine with what you did and be there for him, but there is a difference between being supportive in a loving way and considering what you want in a life partner. You have to be honest with yourself. Maybe you can love him, but he might not be the one to spend your life with. As far as the sharing and opening up - there is a difference between being kinky and being bisexual, and there is also a difference in being someone who just likes the thrill of risk. If it were just kink, he would be satisfied with you putting a strap on once in awhile, or it might be able to be channeled into something else that was kinky. But from what you wrote I feel that it is more than just kinky. By finding these folks, it is not just like going up to the local watering hole and locking eyes with someone. There is some cloak and dagger involved. There are people who are transvestitite and transexuals who otherwise live pretty average lives - go to work, go home, don't sleep with anyone but their partner, all the stuff everyone else does - but the people he is meeting aren't those people. It takes a lot of secrecy and effort and deception. It may feel warm and fuzzy now, but honestly, if he needs a stress reliever down the road or, like someone who has a gambling addiction, he takes a risk when something is triggered - it won't even be what you do or are not doing but it could be random things....what is going to happen? I think he needs more help than you can give. Do not try to "fix things" or sort him out, he needs to do this on his own. I would be very clear with yourself that you aren't going to sleep with him right now. You are going to both get tested for STDs and you are going to take that space for you to both do some healing.
  24. Why do you drop me a one or two liner email every few months? You have no right to ask how me and the dogs are doing. You left us. You walked out the door. You closed our accounts. You shut the phone off. You stole my cell phone. You took the last money out of my purse. You never returned my calls. I had to leave our home because it was uninhabitable. And now you actually think I will tell you how I am doing???
  25. No, its not that he shouldn't go if she doesn't want to, but he has to fully understand that if he does go, it could mean that she won't. If he loves her so much to want to do this partly to provide a stable future for her, than he needs to not forget the "her" in the "stable future for her" and either propose or make a comrpomise and go somewhere that is good both. If he wants to go to new zealand hell or high water, then he should just go and it is up to her to do what she wants. But I am curious if it were reversed...and she wanted to go to another country and not one he always wanted to go to...would he go because he loved her or would he say "no way, see you later." If the answer is that, than he can't blame her if she doesn't want to go.
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