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System Crash

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  1. I found this to be a very inspiring read indeed. I havent checked on this thread for quite a while and I'm glad I did. My previous port of call was a visit to wikipedia as I was looking up some details on hangings as I have been seriously contemplating hanging myself recently. Oddly enough I'm not actually that heavily depressed as I have been in the past. I've just been feeling a severe lack of inspiration and interest towards life and am finding it almost impossible at the moment to move my life in any particularly positive direction......so to me the thought of leaving this body can often feel more exciting and inspiring than staying in it. Sometimes I just think to myself that I really am bored with being myself, having the same old thought patterns and seeing life through my eyes and at those times suicide just seems like a logical option to me despite what all the pro-lifers say. It feels like my thoughts and feelings.....and actually everything in my entire body is somehow holding me down. The thought of being released from all of this excess weight can be very tempting indeed. Fortunately or unfortunately ending the life of this body really isnt an easy thing to do at all. If guns were easily accessible in the UK then that might be a different matter as I wouldn't have much of a problem with shooting myself but the more prolonged methods just arent so viable with their potential for failure and the damage which can come with that. But anyway like I said your post was full of lots of good stuff which I totally agree with. I wasn't really aware of the thing with fish oil pills though and now you mention vitamin B I reckon I will get some of them too.....so thanks for that. In fact check this link...... ......and if you can get your hands on the book entitled "My Stroke of Insight" then you should. Its about a neuroanatomist called Jill Taylor who had a stroke, survived it and recovered 8 years later. She describes her experience and perception of life when the left side of her brain stopped functioning correctly. It might open peoples eyes to what is really going on in our heads when we feel depressed. This is a solid and detailed account of a real persons near-death experience and considering her field of study she really does know what shes talking about.
  2. Yeah that sounds exactly like me in my early twenties. When I was a lot younger than that I used to get enjoyment out of my life but actually it was only really because I was unaware of how miserable I felt deep down. I would just distract myself with various activities like drawing, reading, games and films. It was all pretty much loner activities that I persued but I was happy with that at the time. Then when I entered my late teens it all started to change. My activities were no longer enough and loneliness started to creep in. I also used to sit on my own and just drifted back in my mind to better times in my memory. In fact it was strangely addictive to do that actually......as though those memories seemed magical somehow and the sadness it induced in me felt kind of tragically beautiful. But anyway because of my loner tendencies I found it virtually impossible to make any lasting connections with anyone and girlfriends were completely out of my reach in my mind which had a very negative impact on my self esteem. So as time went by I just became more and more depressed. By the time I was 24 I had tried taking two overdoses. Now I am 33 and although I am more in control of my feelings and able to see myself with a more objective view, those loner tendencies are still there. I still always seem to worry about when and if life will ever get better. I still have all the same problems that I had 10 years ago. It certainly doesnt hurt as much as it used to and I am definitely a lot more confident than I was back then (a very different person in fact) but I still have this feeling of being trapped......as though life will never change. I have a feeling of hope about everything though......its a feeling that has never completely left me. Sometimes I just feel incredibly excited because I KNOW that things could be brilliant. I think thats when I get depressed actually. Its like having a vision of what life should be like and then when I compare it to what I currently have it hurts like hell because I cant for the life of me see how I can change my current life into my future vision. Geez life is such a pain in the * * * * Oh yeah.....the good old canned "things will get better". Thats what people say when they cant think of anything useful to say.
  3. .......oh and by the way Mr Zombie, from reading all your posts you seem like a rather cool guy to me. You seem sensitive and caring and you have your interest in bizzarre films which is great actually. You dont follow the mainstream crowd which is always a good thing in my books. I'm kind of similar with my taste in music as most people have not heard the weird stuff I listen to. It doesnt bother me though and it shouldnt bother you either as its just one thing that helps to set you apart from everyone else. You dont want to be a cookie-cutter clone of everyone else do you? Pay attention to what Ready2heal was saying to you earlier too. Feel free to talk about whatever you like on this forum. Anything that you enjoy talking about cant possibly be off topic on here can it. If it = fun then it = thumbs up Oh and just for the record I feel like [Edit] half the time too. Last night I felt utterly awful and really wanted to die.......and yet here I am typing away and I feel fine.....still worried in the back of my mind of course but pretty much fine otherwise. It seems like your problems are nearly identical to mine.....no girlfriend and no decent social life.....and it feels like neither of them are possible right? Cant get the girlfriend cos your not meeting anyone and cant meet anyone cos your miserable as you dont have a girlfriend. The vicious circle of doom! I imagine that you feel trapped in a repeating cycle because you have become so used to doing things on your own so that now being alone has become this comfortable routine right? Its a pain in the [Edit] isnt it! Well I just wanted you to know that you really arent alone with your situation......I'm feeling rather stuck too and most of the time it feels like it will never change......but every now and again my viewpoint changes and I can see the potential for change because its always there even if I cant see it. Have you tried using the gumtree website for meeting people? Its not brilliant mind you and I have had buggerall success with it but at least its another avenue to more possibilities. I actually did a date through it once but as always it didnt quite go the way I hoped it would. Just a thought anyway.
  4. I have been reading your posts and I must say that I do relate very well to what you are going through although my circumstances are of course different. I havent had a girlfriend for 4 years and in fact I have only ever had one girlfriend and that didnt last too long. Although I have had sex since then occasionally its certainly not what anyone would call a healthy love life. I am now 33 years old. I didnt have sex until I was 26 so if you think you are a late starter then dont worry because there is always someone who is worse off than you are. This has definitely taken its toll on me and has deeply effected my ability to motivate myself. I spent my teen years deeply depressed and constantly having to live with the knowledge that I would always be alone. The crushing effect this has on a persons self esteem goes beyond simple words. This feeling is still with me now and I have come to terms with the fact that it always will be. Most of my friends have girlfriends and I can honestly say it absolutely SUCKS!!! Unfortunately I just dont "look the part". I'm not ugly or anything and most people actually tend to really like me as I come accross as being really positive and quirky but I'm definitely not attractive to women. Many people will tell you that women love guys that are funny or kind or good to talk to and in some respects this is true......but most of the time these guys are seen simply as "good friends" and nothing more. Despite what all the fluffy happy-clappy people say, looks really do matter and they are far more important than personality. People with good looks get more opportunities handed to them in life while less attractive people have to work harder. You could argue that ugly people develop stronger personalities but most of the time they just get pissed off with life......and it shows in them physically and ends up making them even more unnatractive. Anyway I have thought a hell of a lot about ending my life too. I'm just really annoyed that I dont have any easy access to my preferred method of exit. To be honest I dont think life is as sacred as people make it out to be. The only reason most people are pro-life is because....well....they're alive of course. I personally see it as a game.....and in a game if I play through a part of it and decide that I dont like the character then I delete it and start a new one. Or it could be viewed as buying a plane ticket to go on a long holiday.....its just one that you dont come back from. Yep its really selfish but sometimes I just lose the ability to give a rats * * * * ! Its my life afterall and who knows what good things can come from bad experiences. Anyway sorry I have kind of gone off topic here. I just wanted you to know that you are really not alone in your situation. There are lots of guys out there who feel like * * * * because they cant get girlfriends or decent social lives going. My life is pretty rubbish too. Regarding your job.....well.....just quit it. Hand in your notice. You think you cant do anything else? Well firstly if you can work in a video store then you can work in ANY store. Your work place is actually a great way to meet people and I bet you arent meeting anyone new at the video store right? At the moment I am doing a data entry job for a recruitment agency. What do I do all day? I sit in an office and copy numbers from a sheet onto a computer. Yeah thats right......a monkey could do it. Oh and I also drink tea all day as well. Monkeys do that too as we have all seen on tv. Its piss easy! In fact it requires LESS skill than what you are currently doing. So yeah.....change your job for a start because a change of scene will give you a whole new perspective. In fact if you like I can give you the links to some very good recruitment agencies that I have used. The best thing about using them is THEY FIND THE WORK FOR YOU so you dont have to bother with all of that application bull * * * * where you have to sit in front of some pretentious tosser and lie to them about how much you love their company. Secondly.....your parents. You do actually need to move out but dont do it yet. Save up plenty of money first. I actually moved back with my mum for a few years to save money and I can honestly say I hated it. Living with your parents does nothing good for your self esteem. If you have never moved out before then I realise it may well seem bloody scary.....but the "scary world out there" is actually better and more interesting than the world you are currently in. At the moment I think you have to much time to sit and dwell on your problems. In fact its one the main failings that I have too. I keep sitting on my * * * * and pondering over my life and I make myself feel crap actually. I bet you do the same thing. Finally.....physical excercise and healthy eating. It does help actually. I am generally a lazy bastard as I spend way too much time playing games instead of trying to improve my life. I actually wasted most of today running around as an flippin Elf in bloody Warhammer Online! But I also took up running a few weeks ago. It felts weird at first because I was abit paranoid that I would look stupid.....and actually I do look stupid but I definitely felt batter once I had done it. There is also the added bonus that you will look physically better over time. However I still look like a nerdy wimp but over the coming months hopefully that will change somewhat. So yeah......new job.....excercise.....leave home (in that order). Try and forget about the girlfriend thing for now. I know thats hard.....well.....actually no its impossible. I've tried to and it always haunts me but the annoying thing is that the only way you're gonna stand any chance of attracting someone is if you are a positive person who is working to improve your life. It will increase your chances and make you more attractive (says the person who cant get a girlfriend himself). Sorry I've written an essay. I hope my ramblings help. Oh and sorry one last thing. Cut the church visits out of your life even if it means pissing your parents off. Religious people are notorious for forcing their crazy belief systems on people that dont need or want it. You need to stand up for yourself and also think for yourself. Dont get sucked in by religious nonsense. They will use all manner of emotional and psychological blackamil to make you "do it their way" (religious people generally do) but you just need to stand up to them. You've already admitted that you dont like it so why bother going? Why would they want you to go anyway? To make them feel like its worth something? Sod that! You dont have time to waste on that crap! You've got your life to fix up right?
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