alamina
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Everything posted by alamina
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Day 30!! I feel a lot better than I did at day 1, that's for sure! I will no longer update, as I don't feel like counting the days anymore. Counting the days make me think of him, and I'm really trying to move on. I actually have a desire to move on. I like this website though, it has helped me tremendously. To think that I lurked here during the past two years, during my many breakups with this man, and never posted anything. I highly recommend to the lurkers to post something. It really helps! You may never get closure with your ex, but this place helps you find peace within yourself. Before I posted here, I'd always call him for some ridiculous excuse and he'd see it as a sign that I wanted to be led on for a bit longer! He didn't see a future with me but I was fun for the moment. Screw that! Never again!
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Day 29 I felt really down on day 27 but spent the remainder of the afternoon/evening with a good friend, walking around for hours and having a pleasant dinner. He's still in my thoughts. I am proud that I have lasted this long in the NC challenge. I'm going to keep at it. It's hard but not impossible. I deserve to be loved for who I am. I will always try to improve myself, and I will do it for me! I will not try to fit in someone's mold. I am proud of who I am. This month has taught me that. It has brought me clarity. Am I fully healed? No. I'm on my way. One thing I'll never do again, is try to prove to someone that I am worthy of their love. It reminds me of beauty pageants where the contestants have that goofy and nervous grin, and you know that inside their heads they're thinking Pick me! Pick me! Nope. No thanks. I think I'm pretty fabulous, thank-you very much.
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Day 27. Feel blah.
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Day 26! Well, very early on day 26. On day 25, I awoke and got up to make coffee and sat in front of my computer to check my emails, a thought occurred to me: he wasn't my first thought that morning! In fact, I was so busy throughout the day and evening, that I didn't think of him or this NC challenge one bit! My entire focus today was work, discussing my upcoming trip, everything but him. I also walked quite a bit and I felt happy. Not overwhelmingly so...but still. I think I will be okay. Must. Stay. Busy. I also kind of want to go on a date. I have no one in mind, but soon enough...
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Day 24. I cannot believe it's day 24! I talked to a friend of mine that used to know him, around the time we started dating. She said that he used to put me on a pedestal, and how he thought I was so magnificent. All of this was when he was pursuing me, of course. Makes me feel like crap to know that once he got to know me, he became disenchanted. If I'd been cruel, clingy, abusive...I would understand but I was not!! I always tried to make him smile. However, I did go out last night. My friend and I had a lovely dinner, and walked for hours. At one point, this friend seemed like he wanted to kiss me. I was upset but acted like I hadn't noticed. It just makes me angry. I have made it clear that I'm not interested in him that way. I just need friends right now, why can't he understand? I am still very frustrated. I just want to hear my ex's voice. I must be strong. I will not contact him. I'd be back at square one. It would be awkward. UGH!
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Post here instead of contacting your ex!
alamina replied to Nynnja's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
You told me you were depressed, the last week we spoke. Even though you said that I may be the cause of your unhappiness and that you weren't sure (that did hurt me so much), I meant what I told you. Even if when I told you that I'd always be there if you need to talk, and how I would just listen and never judge, and you told me "Pfft. I'm fine. I can help myself."; I am still there for you. I still wonder if you are depressed and how you are coping. My love for you was sincere. I wonder if you're afraid to approach me now because I finally said "Enough!" and walked away when you were cruel. While I'd rather have a tooth pulled out without anesthetic that get back with you; I would definitely help you. Don't you know me by now? I hope you're ok. -
UGH...my ex told me that when we split! I think love can be enough but it's a two way street, you know? One person can't carry the relationship alone. Day 23 I had the biggest urge to unblock him from MSN and just see if he'd say something. Thankfully, I didn't. I'm going out tonight. I'm trying to stay as busy as possible. I'm getting close to a month! I'm still frustrated. I'm not crying though. That is completely blocked at the moment. I'm remembering all the bad memories, more and more. Typical dumpee behaviour, right? I heard it's the opposite for the dumper. I'm hoping he feels something, anything. Hello? He was once madly in love with me! What the hell kind of crap is this? How can you love someone so deeply and just let go, like it's nothing? I didn't cheat. I didn't lie. I wasn't mean. What in the world?!
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Day 22. Ups and downs. Frustrated because I thought at the very least, he could find a way to apologize for being so mean. At least that! I've realized that he didn't think he was mean at all. He's probably quite content and relaxed, right now. It's not fair that I should feel this way. I will get better. New week starting...
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Yep! I certainly am. Day 21 Three whole weeks. I can't believe it made it this far! I had a lovely evening with a friend last night, but when she left, I felt so low. The panic returned, and I felt sick. I watched a comedy show, and it eased it a bit. I really thought today was Sunday. I'm so confused! I intend to stop writing about my NC contact progress once I hit the thirty day mark. I'd like to get to a point where I don't count the days anymore. I can't even cry. I wish I could. I just feel like I'm numb and paranoid. I keep thinking of a million excuses to call you. I found your screwdriver the other day. I'm sure you can do without it. There are a lot of hardware stores in the city, duh! My best friend and I joke around sometimes. It's funny the excuses you come up with in your mind to call them. May as well be: Yeah, uh, you forgot your...expired parking receipt from a month ago. Yeah, uh, you forgot your black sock in my dryer. Yeah, uh, you forgot your scent on the left pillow on my sofa. Yeah, uh, you forgot a hair in my brush. Yeah, uh, you forgot your fingerprints on my doorknob. I mean.. comE ON! We have to get a grip here! lol
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Day 20 Must. Fight. Urge. To. Contact. In another week, I will be at the one month milestone! It's not like I have time to contact anyway, my friend is coming over in a couple of hours, and I have errands to do. I get these urges and the best way to describe it is like a punch in the gut! Rabbit Heart: I think it's best that you let him contact you. If you really need to discuss Lost, pm me. I'm the biggest fan on the planet. lol
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Day 19 (I was posting in Part I but figured I'd continue here) This is like getting off a drug. A really strong and potent drug. Not that I've ever been a drug addict, but I can imagine. I feel like Leo DiCaprio in Basketball Diaries, when he's all sweaty and cussing and stuff. Or Ewan in Trainspotting. Anyway, I feel delirious! I wish I could say Oh, I've been exercising and getting new hobbies, and meeting new people, and doing all kinds of dazzling and spectacular things, blah blah blah! The truth is, I've been falling asleep with the help of wine, I've been losing weight because I forget to eat....I feel awful. I want to talk to you but I have NOTHING to say. I should be angry. You were pretty rotten the last time we spoke. You nearly laughed in my face! How could you mock me like that? It's funny that I loved you for so long? It's hilarious, isn't it? You think I'm pathetic? So let me get this straight; it's pathetic to love you? I HAVE SO MUCH ANGER RIGHT NOW INSIDE OF ME! I was fine for the first week. What in the world is this? I'm approaching week three! I really need to go away somewhere. I need to get on a plane and go somewhere where NOTHING reminds me of you.
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Day 16. I was thinking about that thing you said, about how I took up all your free time, and couldn't get anything done. I saw you sometimes on Fridays, after work. We'd usually rent a movie, and order take-out. Saturday we'd spend a full day together but you always woke up so late. By the time we were showered and ready, there wasn't much to do except watch a movie and eat take-out again. Sunday, I would go home after breakfast. I rarely saw you during the week. I always felt like I was imposing. I promise myself I will never, ever let anyone make me feel that way again. The longest we've gone without communicating is 16 days. We will break the record today. It hurts.
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Day 15. It's a gorgeous day, and I awoke feeling slightly more positive. I still think of you in the morning but they're angry thoughts now. I had a dream that your best friend was trying to seduce me. He had chocolate on his mouth and was telling me he'd give me "sweet kisses". I was repulsed. It looked like poop! Don't worry, I'm not your other ex. I don't feel even slightly tempted to sleep with him. I'm having a big party at my place tonight! We're watching the finale of my favourite show. We'll cook delicious foods, laugh, and drink. What are you doing, I wonder? I'm sure it's just fabulous without me! Do you even think of me? You have all this free time now, you must be thrilled! Will you finally tidy up your apartment? You always said that I took up all your time, and that's why you couldn't clean up. I never even complained about your mess. Will you procrastinate and play video games? I shouldn't care.
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Day 14. It's funny how time makes a difference. It's also funny how much my moods can jump from positive to negative in a few minutes. The first days, I felt relieved. He has dumped me many times in the past. I am quite used to this. Middle of the first week, I felt horrible. I cried while looking at our pictures from our Caribbean vacation, last year. This week I got an inner ear infection and my equilibrium was all out of whack! I thought it was panic attacks but I went to see a doctor, and all is fine now. While I was in the hospital lobby, I saw a couple watching a movie together on their laptop. He was petting her hair and she was smiling. I want that! I will get that! My ex was so cold sometimes.