CAgirl

Today somebody asked me if my ex had been in contact with me. I said "No" and that you hated me enough to block me from facebook and cut off all communication/ties with me. They asked me if I hated you. I said "No" and it's true. I don't really feel anything toward you anymore. You're a hazy, dim memory of a good and bad part of my life. I can't remember the little things or grand gestures you made for me. You're just another stone on the trail and I've left you far behind me now.

I really wish that you would grow up. Everyday I realize that we were so caught up in our own problems and fears and insecurities but we never really liked each other much less love.

Leave my mind alone or I am going to burn your stuff.

Haha yes. Still got the power!

If only I could have blocked you on facebook before you blocked me. Can't handle seeing my profile? How immature are you? I hope you are enjoying smoking pot by yourself and the anxiety of the future which you clearly cannot handle. I hope you find another crutch of a girl. I hope she breaks your heart. It's too bad that I wasn't able to. It's too bad you never really loved me. I hope I made you cry. Thanks for teaching me how to be strong. I need a real man not a scared little boy.

I don't even know what I want to say. Maybe I miss you so much now because I have finally started to face the fact that you are gone. I have been emotionally distancing myself but the other day it hit me that I really do care about you. I still do. I don't know what is going to happen and that makes me even more scared. Why do I feel like I can forgive you even though you broke my heart? I didn't want to leave you alone. I didn't want to stop talking but deep down I knew it was best. I am so proud of myself for getting this far. I just wish that I knew how to deal with these feelings that are welling up again. I am not sad. I do not feel sorry for myself. I am a different person than I was the last time we spoke. I have grown and I have changed. I feel so much more independent. I can be happy alone. I have been happy with myself. I didn't do anything. My only crime against you was wanting to hold on. I wish I could be what you needed.

What am I doing? Please call me before I do something that I am going to regret.

Hello, I went to that beach we went to on our first date yesterday. I didn't feel anything. I felt at peace. I had been there before you. The beach doesn't belong to you and neither do I. Spring Break is here and I am home. You are so close and yet so far. I will never go to where you live. I was a person before you. I can be a better person after you. I need to prepare myself for what is to come. The end is in sight, but with it will come a new beginning. I smoked last night even though I said I wasn't going to. It was only a little bit though. Unlike you I don't do it every single day. I am not afraid of myself. I can be happy. There is a determined, intelligent, beautiful person inside of me and she wants to turn her face towards the sun and live. I am not even sure I want to be your friend. I lost track of the days it has been since we last spoke. 3ish weeks? What does it matter? In the end, you wanted to leave and that is what I am going to let you do. Leave.

I really wish that you would call me. You won't. You are stubborn like me. Do you still love me? Were you saying those things to not hurt my feelings? Why did you always blame everything on me? I miss you and I hate feeling this way. I hate burying my heart. I hate that I have to wait. This is a long-drawn out broken heart. I almost wish you won't even call me when these two months are up. You hurt me so badly. You lied to me. I trusted you. Why did I even trust you to begin with? Thanks for stabbing me in the back. I think about you being with another girl and it kills me. I can't do it. I want to throw everything you gave me out the window, delete you from facebook, delete all of our pictures, and throw you out of my life. Why did you have to do this? Why did you even cling on to me in the first place? Did you ever really love me? Why is your number still in my recent calls? Please God make this pain go away. I don't think I can handle this anymore. I am so sad sometimes I can hardly stand it

I've haven't talked to you in 2 weeks. I haven't seen you in 3. I am not sure what hurts more. I know I wanted the NC but I have to constantly remind myself why. Every time my phone rings, I wish it was you.

I accept the challenge. I called and talked to my ex today and told him that it is best if we don't contact each other at all. So here I go! Tomorrow will be Day 1.

Orchids at the Huntington in Pasadena image removed

Haha, not really. It looks deeper than it is. It's actually at my dorm.

image removed Outside a window with water on the roof.

Second quatrain reminds me of Aladdin

Aww, I love it.

My college textbooks at the moment. : P

My favorite poem by Tennyson is "The Lady of Shalott" but this one is lovely too.

Great book. Kudos!

"The Weakness In Me" Joan Armatrading I'm not the sort of person who falls in and quickly out of love But to you, I give my affection, right from the start. I have a lover who loves me - how could I break such a heart? Yet still you get my attention. Why do you come here, when you know I've got troubles enough? Why do you call me, when you know I can't answer the phone? And make me lie when I don't want to, And make someone else some kind of an unknowing fool? Make me stay when I should not? If you're so strong then resolve the weakness in me. Why do you come here, and pretend to be just passing by? I need to see you - I need to hold you - tightly. Feeling guilty, And I'm worried, and I'm waking from a tormented sleep 'Cause this old love, you know it has me bound, But this new love cuts so deep. If I choose now, I'm bound to lose out; One of you is gonna have to fall... I need you, baby. Why do you come here, when you know I've got troubles enough? Why do you call me, when you know I can't answer the phone? And make me lie when I don't want to, And make someone else some kind of an unknowing fool? Make me stay when I should not? If you're so strong then resolve the weakness in me. Why do you come here, and pretend to be just passing by? I need to see you - I need to hold you - tightly. It's a beautiful song. Listen you'll understand.

I like this.

Ragtime by E.L Doctorow.