Seymore

From what I'd read it sounds like hazing. The story seems to imply her higher-ups were the ones who carried it out, so I don't know if it's by association that she's under investigation, or what. If the allegations are true then yeah I'd rather not continue seeing her, not so much out of how it might reflect on me, but moreso in that I've been abused in my last relationship so I'm trying to be cautious.

So it's been a few years since I've been here - I've taken the time to heal, been sober almost two years now and even got on a dating site or two with no luck. So I put relationships on the backburner in the meantime, and picked up a hobby building and racing drones. I've met more people through the hobby in the past year since I started, than I've met in the past ten years doing everything else combined. We get together once a week at indoor venues like area bars and banquet halls to have races. Last night was a bar. Between races, I met a girl who was a regular and by herself. We started chatting, and long story short we closed out the bar after talking for 3 hours, leaving at 2am. We got along really well and at one point when she was in the washroom, the bartender told me this girl really likes me. So I offered the girl a lift home and she accepted. I asked if she'd like to meet back there tonight to shoot some pool together and the said she'd enjoy that. I got her number and dropped her off. Of course I am suspicious when things go well since I've been burned quite a bit, so I googled her and found that she's under investigation for abuse at the gymnastics school she coaches at. So now I'm bummed. I almost feel like I should just take it super slow and see if she divulges this on her own but I'm not sure.

Why do you keep trying? I haven't responded in 3 years but you keep trying. I keep all that drama in my head and it hurts to relive it all but I know it'll hurt even more if I respond. Please leave me alone. You just don't want me to move on. I know that. You want to keep me in your sick little corner of your world. I don't trust your kind words at all. Leave me alone.

Last week you contacted me from an unblocked email asking to meet for coffee...yeah right. You want to suck me back in to the toxicity. I deleted it and blocked that email too. Three years...heck, MORE than three years and you're still at it. I have been NC this entire time but you just don't get it. You can't control yourself and never could. You never could accept someone not liking you, but you messed with the wrong person this time. You gave me zero reason to believe anything changed. You were toxic and you know it. Hell, your family knew it. I still dream of your kids and sometimes you - that they're in college and asking me for advice. Those poor kids...those dreams used to ruin me for days but I woke up after you emailed me last week knowing I won. Next step is getting to the point where I don't care that I won. Indifference. Last night I dreamt of an incredible girl I've never met. I did the same two weeks ago. She wasn't you! Maybe she doesn't exist, but you are in my dreams less and less and it's amazing. I never thought I'd get to this point. I am in control and I know you hate it. I'm not at the point where I wish you the best because I still don't feel you deserve it after all you've put me and others through, but I AM at the point where I know I'm healing. You're in my thoughts always, but those are simply my thoughts. My actions are what define me and you are in no way in control of my actions. I no longer avoid routes that could intersect with yours on the way to work, for example. I don't even look for your car anymore. I'm still preparing myself for you to show up again but I feel very liberated knowing that you can no longer control me.

Three years now since I left, almost. I was doing so well and yet in the last two weeks I've had more dreams of you and your kids than in the last year. It's been a struggle lately. Our city is having its fair this weekend. The last two years I avoided it but yesterday a road was closed so I had to take a detour past it. All the memories came rushing back of the last time I was there with you, your boys and our friends. I remember your one son biking there to meet us and having to fix his bike because the chain came off on the way. Your kids may have been as close as I ever get to having kids of my own and I miss that. I had to leave all of that life behind but it was still bittersweet. I know you have them still thinking I was garbage for cutting you all off and it still hurts. I almost want to drop by and say hi to our friends working there but it's in the past and I can't do anything to change that. I can't be friends with them because it would mean being around you and missing their birthday parties etc...none of them deserve a friend like that who comes only on condition that you're not around. I got an invite tonight to the casino for a coworker's 21st birthday but I turned it down. I hate that place now since the nightclub there is where I would take you to dance on Friday nights sometimes. We were terrible dancers and hated the "kids music" but dancing with you...it felt like no one else was around. Just us dorks dancing like fools. God I miss that...and I HATE dancing. But with you it was so much fun. I remember going to the Dells with you and your kids and leaving them to go to the local club. We paid to get in and danced like idiots among all the 20 somethings to maybe two songs we didn't know. Then we left. To this day I can't think of a single couple that had our chemistry...when you weren't wasted or high. I hope you never find that same chemistry again because I feel I never will. When we were on, we kicked some serious butt. Still moving forward. Still missing you and the life I had with your family and our friends. They're all yours now so I hope you treat them well. I hope you're over your addictions and everyone is happy. But I hope you all never forget me.

Yep, same warning I got. Yes it's lovely!

YouTube won't let me post half of her stuff but 13 beaches was so powerful

Just started listening to Lana Del Rey. God I love her voice and her music. Every one of her albums has at least 5 standout tracks.

Found out recently that you're getting sued by yet another company. I feel terrible for your kids but you're reaping what you've sown and I warned you this would happen. But you always knew better. Everyone is an idiot to you, aren't they?

It had to happen. I dreamt of you last night. Your youngest son was celebrating his birthday (weridly enough it's your oldests' birthday tomorrow) and there were pics of all of us on the walls. I apologized to him for being out of all of your lives. But wished him a happy birthday. And then you showed up, way on the other side of the room (it was a cave but whatever). That's when I woke up. I still think of you daily but making progress. Last night I reached out to a girl on match for the first time. She almost looked like you when you were younger and had many traits I love. She hasn't replied and probably won't. Either way, Happy Birthday to your boys tomorrow. They're good kids and I know just how you're going to celebrate. Wish I was there to help decorate.

I had the weirdest two dreams this weekend. I dreamt that I was going to see you in prison Saturday night to tell you that I used to love you and was letting you go. Last night I dreamt of a new girl who I never met who kissed me. It was like I knew her soul from dreams long ago but I didn't know who she was. I'm a little scared that I'm leaving you behind in my dreams because I'm used to you being in them. It's been over two years since I left you. But now I think I'll be ok. I remember when I thought I saw your car on the way to work and would be a mess all day. I thought I saw it today and was like "eh". It's like that part in Swingers where Mikey has been with the pain so long he misses it. I still don't consider myself healed but I do know I'm making progress and that's all I need.

I feel like I've made quite a bit of progress the last couple of weeks. You're not even in my fantasies anymore for the most part. You're still always in the back of my mind but you won't be there soon, I hope.

Well the event happened and I miss you. I wanted to stop at your house on the way home and tell you "see how my family acts? Do you see how they buy all of this bull with my brother and his wife?" But I know it would never make a difference to you. I told you how my family is but you would never understand. And you held it against me. Why did you care so much? All I cared about was you but it was never enough.

You're still always on my mind (and in my dreams last night yet again...ugh) But you're in the back of it now. Tonight I had a really good night despite a crummy week at work. I had a feeling while driving home that felt so vague and distant - it felt like happiness was finally within reach. I don't know if it was the freedom of being alone tonight or the 50 degree weather or the smell of rain in the air, but things just felt so good and it's a feeling I never thought I'd feel again. Like my soul is at peace for once in years. I'll take that over the way I've felt for the last couple of years. Tomorrow an event is going to happen that will make me miss you, but I'm just living for and enjoying this feeling tonight.

I'm a little scared. This morning I woke up not feeling much about you. You're still on my mind but something's different. Almost like I'm starting to KNOW I don't want you back, and at the same time beginning to miss missing you. It's like the movie Swingers, where Mikey has been with the pain so long he almost misses it. I'm afraid to forget you. But picturing you in my mind, you're not the idealization you used to be. It's like I know you're not what I thought you were, instead of fighting myself. I almost want to stay stuck in that but at the same time grateful that it feels like a step forward.

And for my ex:

Dear C, I saw you tonight and didn't know how to react. You looked beautiful as ever and I kid you not, what had to be a million thoughts flew through my mind in that split second. Our history, good and bad, your kids, how they must be doing. Every single night these past two years, I'd imagined I was curled up next to you. Every. Single. Night. I'd hug my pillow calling you my snuggle monkey, as I did with you every night we were together. You were the love of my life. Every thing I do, I wish you were there with me. You accepted me for who I was, but you still abused me. You denied that - the last time I saw you, and even claimed I was the one who did it to you, but you and I both know that wasn't true and you have issues. I could never trust you, and you gave me obvious reasons not to. Then you blamed me for not being faithful. I NEVER looked at another female with love OR lust after I met you. You were IT. My eyes were always on you. But thanks to your drinking and paranoia, and your obsession with my father's approval among other things, I had to leave. I left all of our friends, I left you, left your kids...I left my entire life behind because you were such a big part of it. Did you know my dad never liked my previous girlfriends? I know I told you. They were in their 20s and they didn't care. You were in your 40s and it was your obsession. I stood up to him and spent the majority of each holiday with you and your kids and the minority with them. And it didn't faze me. I am still always. Only. Yours. S

Have many Thanksgiving memories of you. Some good, some bad. Was doing so well until I dreamt of you the other night. Why can I not get rid of you completely? Every single day I think of you at least once. I left you two years ago and you’re like a frigging cockroach in my brain. Every time I start to forget, I dream of you. What is going on? I’d put money you’ve moved on but I still want to message you and say I never wanted to leave you and your boys. I know you’ve made me out to be the bad one but I still love you all.

It’s just been over 2 years now and you haven’t tried to contact me in about 6 months. I have to admit I miss it but at the same time I’m at the point where I miss missing you. I still think I see you passing me on the way to work at times, and today I thought I saw your kids driving by and I didn’t think about it much. And it affects me less. Any time I get drunk at night I don’t think about you almost at all, and that was what kept me hanging on. Maybe I’m finally getting to a better place without even knowing it? And I’m not scared of being single, nor was I ever. But I still think of you and the good times we had and how you had to go and screw that up. I’ll always think fondly of those good times and at the same time I hate myself for doing so. I feel weak that way. But the dreams of you and your boys are less and less frequent and I smile a bit more, even without you. It feels really strange. Whenever I start thinking of you I can dismiss it so much easier. I love it and hate it because I don’t want to forget you.

QOTSA all day - was at their show last night and got some great up close pics of the band.

Yeah I like at least three songs from any of their albums but those two were my favorites too. At least before Villains. I was debating going to the Milwaukee show although it's a haul. The closest thing to me is Riot Fest and I am not braving Chicago traffic and crowds for that. Did that before, never again. I did see The Mars Volta twice right after Jon quit (and he quit RIGHT after I bought my first ticket) so I really want to see him drum live. Either way, Have fun!

Personally I feel that it's definitely my favorite album from them (and likely one of my favorite albums of all time) - I didn't find a remotely bad song after listening seven times. Evil Has Landed isn't bad but I love their sound and Feet Don't Fail Me (which was played in their lie detector video) is just so incredible to me.

New Queens of the Stone Age album (leaked...shhh) One of the few albums I've ever been able to listen to front to back without skipping anything.

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