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I wanted to break up with him and all... But I just thought about my life with out him.. and i dunno i stayed with him.. im so mad at myself now.. like.. our anniversary is coming up.. i dont know if i should wait till after the holidays and our anniversary.. or just do it now... help!

Trust is what I believe is the foundation of a relationship. You have to have that.. Especially in a relationship that will be going on for 2 years on chrismas eve.. Thats where i stand. It will be 2 years on xmas eve that we have been going out. I love him so much.. Like nothing else in this world. Like a long time ago.. He cheated on me.. He told me he was high and thats why he kissed this other girl.. considering it was in the beginning of the relationship.. i still went out with him... But under some circumstances - that he wouldnt do any drugs ever again.. well as time goes on he still smoked weed... and lied behind my back.. i knew it was going on and i caught him a few times... but he always promised me he wouldnt again.. well about 2 weeks ago.. something i never wanted to believe what happened. I found out he went to another girls house with another girl and was on bars.. He told me he was at his house with his friend playing video games.. i even called him up during the night and he assured me he was in his room. Well he really wasnt.. and it really broke my heart.. my mind told me to break up with him but my heart didnt.. i know hes still doing things behind my back.. i think he is taking advantage of me.. i dont know... am i doing something wrong? Did i let him win again? I shortened the story out.. so people wouldnt get to scared of a really long post so u guys can replay.. thanks

Hi, My name is Nicole, and I am 15 years old. I have a boyfriend who is 18 and i have been with him for almost 2 years now. My relationship with him is very risky. My parents don't like the fact like I have feelings for him. Cuz hes too old. But I really love him and he loves me. He just gratuated highschool and is going to attend a comunitty college where we live to wait for me ( i told him do what he wants but this is what he wants to do ) About a year and a half ago I was always able to hang outside with him and all of our friends. ( we were going out then ). But then on Feb. 13 of 2002.. My sister who is now 13 heard this RUMOR on the bus that I gave him head.. And that day she told my dad. My dad is one of those guys that if u bring a boy home he'll cut off his head and stick it to his ass. Right when my dad found out he went down to his house.. threatened him that if he ever sees me again with him that he'll kill him. I was a complete mess. I cried every night. And when my dad came back from his house..he became very physical with me and started hitting me and telling me if i ever see you with him im gonna kill him.. and i said to him that he'd have to kill me first. And from then on i had no contact with the outside world. No phone, online, i wasnt allowed to leave the house, only to play softball cuz my parents pay thousands for me to play.. that kept on for 5 months and my mom started to trust me again and i told her i would never go and see him again.. cuz i know that shit would start all over again. But yet i still was with him.. I loved him too much to just stop. We hung on and now over a year lata.. things started to turn out great. We have to lie about everything but that is the only way to get to me with him. So basically i live a lie. So the other day i told my mom that i was gonna be with my friend jessica, who was visiting her bf in VA. But i was really going out with my boyfriend. I never had a normal relationship where u go out places with ur boyfriend.. so like we'd take advantage of it. So Jessica knows these 2 girls and the Mom of those 2 girls knows my mom. And i dont know how but their mom and my mom talked that day. It was a fluke. And their mom asked how i was doing and my mom was like she is doing good she is with Jessica. And their mom knowing that Jessica was in VA told my mom that she thought she was in VA. So when my mom came home she asked me where i was and i told her i was with jessica.. so yah she caught me. she knew right after that who i was with. And now i feel like i am re living what happened a year and a few months ago.. We like to look at it like things happen for a reason. And this is all a lesson.. but i think its punishment. Lying is a sin so i believe god is punishing us for our wrong doing. I pray for forgiveness everynight. Things arnt as bad as it was a year and a half ago cuz i can still go online and talk on the phone. But my dad doesnt know.. my mom isnt going to tell my dad cuz she knows my life and his life will be over. But yet im not allowed to leave the house and again only for softball. I feel so depressed.. I dont know when i am going to see him again. He is so depressed too. Is it worth losing all the trust in ur parents and ruing ur life for my last 3 years of high school? As soon as im 18 im moving out and i am gonna go off to college with him. My mom knows that i am gonna move out when i am 18 but she doesnt know with him. but she cant do shit cuz im 18 and i can make my own decisions, im "an adult." I go though this all just for him i love him enough that i will endanger everything. And i know he is grateful for that. I just dont know what to do.. I dont even know why im writing this? It just feels better to tell my story and hear what other people say cuz everyones comments mean alot to me now. Please.. reply.. i would love to hear what u have to say and what u think i should do. Do u think i should tell my mom how much i really feel for him? or is that just risk everything i still have? sorry if this was very confusing to understand... thank you..