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Posts posted by redswim30

  1. I say this all the time.  You can like someone, you can LOVE someone, it STILL does not mean you are compatible or that your relationship is healthy. 

    You are not compatible and your relationship is not healthy. 

    Even when I advise divorce, I know it is easy to say and harder to do, because I've been through it.  Even when you KNOW it is the right thing for you both, when feelings are involved it is still incredibly hard to admit that even with so much love between you, the relationship just isn't working or isn't healthy - as much as you may want it to be.  But because I HAVE been through it, I also know that despite it being hard, it can actually be the right, healthiest, and responsible choice for both parties. 

    Your husband is being abusive to you and he is also not helping himself to get better.  If your marriage has any chance of survival, he must seek therapy because no one that really loves you would think that you deserve to be abused.  I'm sorry, but I do not CARE what his "issues are", none of it is an excuse to be abusive towards you when you love him and only want to help him. 

    You must tell him that you are worried about him and the state of your marriage.  If his worst nightmare really is you leaving him, then tell him that that will be the reality if he does not seek out professional help.  I personally do not consider that an ultimatum.   I consider that action and consequence.  This isn't a silly "ultimatum" over a trivial issue.  This is abuse.  You have to take action because he is not.  

    If you really love him, then the best thing you can do for his own well-being is to be honest with him.  He needs professional help.  You cannot solve the many issues going on with him and if you try, you will only be disappointed.  Your relationship should not be based on your ability to withstand his abuse.  By doing that, you hurt not only yourself, but him too.  He has no reason to change as long as you tolerate it. 

    You need to sit down and have a chat.  Give him the opportunity to fix this, because it really is in HIS hands, not yours.  Then once you have asked all you can do is wait and see what happens.  If he isn't willing to work on it, then that tells you something.  At that point, I would file for divorce. 

    Do NOT have a child with this man.  Being a parent tests marriage like nothing else.  If you don't already have the BEST of conditions, your marriage has almost no chance of surviving it.  

    Best of Luck to you. 




    • Like 4
  2. So, let me get this straight... You have OVER a MILLION in retirement and you are still worried?

    MAN, I would LOVE to be in your shoes!   I will never be able to retire, and no, that's not hyperbole. And I've never not worked multiple jobs my whole life (since I was 12) and I'm very frugal.  But I've had a lot of bad circumstances hit me and my family. 

    Most kids today will never be able to retire as pensions are a thing of the past and the cost of living skyrockets as wages stay stagnant. 

    So, first I advise to please look around you and realize that for most people, you are sitting pretty and tons of people out there would LOVE to be in your position- I KNOW I WOULD!!!! 

    But this is about you and all I can tell you is this.  My dad just died.  He was like you, NEVER wanted to spend a cent of his retirement money. Avoided home repairs, going places he always want to go, avoided buying stuff he really needed, avoided going to the doctor for treatments he needed. 

    Now that money is still there- but Dad is gone.  He didn't spend it... and for what?  He didn't get to enjoy the fruits of his labors, he never got to see places he wanted to (but could have), he didn't keep up his health (and could have potentially lived longer), didn't fix his house - and now the kids have to (and use his money for it anyway).  And I've just been thinking over and over- HOW SAD it makes me that my Dad HAD the money and was just too scared to USE it.  And he never had anything CLOSE to a MILLION dollars, either.   It makes me horribly sad that he didn't enjoy his life as much as he could have, when he had the money to do more. 

    Take a breath, really think about being grateful for what you have, and perhaps seeks counseling for why you feel you cannot spend money. 


    • Like 3
  3. You've been together since you were kids.   You can like someone, you can love someone, you can be friends with someone and someone can even be very helpful at times when you need them- HOWEVER, this all STILL does not mean that you are compatible in the long term or that you can live together harmoniously forever. 

    11 years is more than sufficient time to see if your relationship is capable of growth or change.  Repeated past behavior is the BEST indicator of future repeated behavior. 

    I too married my childhood sweetheart.  It was hard to get divorced and let all that history go, but it was the right thing to do and we are both happier and with partners much better suited to us both. 

    The thing is- it's not JUST "how you fight"- because how you fight also gets into how you communicate.  How you communicate can make or break a relationship.  Sometimes when we are with someone too long (especially as kids) we stifle our own growth.  You're both stuck in your same childhood patterns which ultimately makes you wrong for each other in the long-term.  You're holding onto the nostalgia of the relationship and not enjoying the current relationship.  

    It sounds like you just aren't in love with each other anymore, and that's okay. Sometimes relationships come into our lives when we need them, they serve their intended purpose and then it's time for us to move on.  There's nothing wrong or shameful in that.  It's nice that your families like each other, but that's no reason to stay married.  Those people aren't IN the marriage and the only opinions that matter is who is IN the marriage. 

    Remember, it's not about blame.  Sometimes you can both be doing everything you can, and at the end of the day, you are still incompatible.  Contrary to what a lot of movies tell us, you don't have to hate someone when you break up or get divorced.  And even when you KNOW it's the right thing for you both, it's still hard when you have all that history. 

    I remember when I got divorced, it was very hard even though I KNEW it was the right thing for us both, it was still painful.  In the moment, it was hard to walk away from all that history and you listen to people say stuff like, " If you loved each other once, you can again"- but it's not that simple.  Marriages are about more than "feelings".   I had moments of doubt, it's hard to let go of something that's been part of your life for SO long.  But ultimately, I'm very glad that I did and was brave enough to let go.  I am so much happier now in my current marriage and my ex is much happier now in his.  And I don't have any bitterness about it.  We were part of each other's lives when we needed to be until it wasn't serving us anymore- and we moved on.  And yes, part of it is sad- but the happiness that has come since has been more than worth it. 

    So, in case it isn't clear- Yes, I think you should move forward with the divorce.  Even if your husband "wins you back"- trust me on this (cause I went thru the exact SAME THING)- that joy will be short-lived and before you know it, you will slip back into your same old patterns.  Time for you both to move on. 

    GOOD LUCK!!!! 


    • Like 1
    • Thanks 1
  4. Honestly, OP- your husband sounds really shallow to me.   I'm not exactly sure TBH why you are defending him so much.  Most women gain weight after childbirth or their figures are never the same again.  Even without childbirth, our bodies change with age.  

    If everything you are saying is accurate, WHY would he go from being SUPER into you to not at all interested in you sexually just from gaining weight?  Unless he's really really shallow or perhaps wasn't as madly in love with you as you thought.   IMVHO, everyone feels that spark right away.  Real love is tested in moments like these, when you aren't at your "best", when everything has gotten familiar, when nothing is "new" anymore.  

    My husband and I have been together a long time now, we've both gained weight, but we are still as attracted to each other as ever and want each other as much. Because we still deeply love and want each other, our bodies don't matter. 

    I say it often because it's a truth a lot of people don't want to consider, much less accept.  Lots of marriages are tested when children get involved.   You say you didn't plan on being parents.  Even though I'm sure your husband loves your son, perhaps this is impacting your marriage more than you think.  It's not uncommon (weight gain or not) for men to look at their wives differently post-baby.   To not view you as sexual anymore.  Some men can really struggle with this.  Is it possible your husband could be having an affair?  I'm sorry to say this can also be very common after having a child, especially an unplanned one.  Men can often feel jealous of the attention that gets lavished on the child OR start looking for a new conquest to feel "validated" again.   Maybe this is the case, maybe it isn't-  but the point I want you to consider is perhaps NOT putting these problems down to simple weight gain.  There could be much more at play under the surface than this.  OR your husband is just very shallow, but either way, this isn't good and if you want to stay married, you have some work to do.

    Please please stop blaming everything on weight gain or time.  Those are easy and convenient excuses not to look further.  I get it, it's more comfortable to assume it's a surface level thing cause confronting other things are scary.  And if it's a surface level thing, we can view that as easily "fixable", when whatever is really at play may not be.  

    I'm unsure what you want.  Do you want to stay married or get a divorce?   

    If you want to stay married, you are going to have to get uncomfortable and really figure out what's wrong.   You may get some answers you don't like.  But whatever you do, PLEASE do NOT think you deserve to be treated this way because you put on weight.  Cause honestly, if that's the only reason for your husband to be distant and non-sexual with you, that's pretty scummy. 

    It's not "normal" for your husband to not want to have sex with you.   I understand people can get complacent, but if you desire an active romantic marriage, then you already know things have to change.   Nothing will change by ignoring it.  Taking all the "blame" is harmful to you.  Please stop doing that.   

    Not every relationship is meant to last "forever"- it's a ridiculous standard our society still has.  That if you don't last forever, it's a "failure".  IMVHO, that's a childish attitude.  Sometimes we have the relationship that we need at the time and if it no longer serves the two people involved, it's ok to end it.  You don't have to hate each other.  You can look at it and say " It worked for us for a while, but it doesn't work now and isn't serving either of us positively anymore and it should end." AND THAT'S OKAY.  And IMO, MUCH healthier than trying to "force" something that you both know isn't working or making either of you happy. 

    Have a conversation with your husband.  Talk about what has been going on.  Talk about your feelings- do NOT assume you know what he is feeling or why.  Just hear him out.  Do NOT just blame yourself. Then talk about what you want going forwards and find out if you're on the same page and if he's willing to put in the work. (Cause this cannot just be " You need to lose weight". ) If you are- GREAT.  If you aren't, then you need to think about if you want to continue to live this way or if you do not see it continuing long term.  Whatever you decide, do NOT use your child as the sole reason to stay if the marriage will not make either of you happy.   I believe it's entirely possible to be fantastic co-parents without being married to each other. 

    GOOD LUCK!!!!



    • Like 1
  5. No one and I mean NO ONE has the right to INSIST that they alone be your WHOLE world. 

    I mean it.  Everyone from spouses, to parents, to children.  No one person should ever be your entire reason for existence.   

    Human beings are social creatures and no one person can or SHOULD be your everything.  Not only is it totally unrealistic, it's toxic. 

    You are not responsible for HER mental health.  Please re-read that over and over.  It's unfair of her to put you in that position to begin with.   

    It's one thing to ask your partner to be supportive, I can get behind that. 

    It's another to where you are; her entire reason for living, you cannot live your own life, have other meaningful relationships, do things of your own accord, have purpose beyond her, be perfect, be her psychiatrist, be her "salvation, and basically she's asking you to be her God.   That is incredibly unhealthy for BOTH of you. 

    This cannot possibly sustain itself as is.  She needs to get help and if she's really reached that level of codependence with you in which she is threatening to kill herself if she cannot control your every action, then she is severely ill and really should be hospitalized.  You will never be able to live up to these standards long-term.  It's already driving you buggy.   

    Mental illness isn't anyone's fault, you are right.   Behaviors are, though.  Just by ASKING you to let her dictate what you can and can't do, is not fair of her and she likely knows she should not be doing this.  This is within her control, so please do not defend that in her.  

    I understand it's a tricky line, as I've had several family members with mental illnesses.  But ANY psychiatrist worth their salt will tell you that; playing into delusions, letting them control everything, not setting boundaries, accepting any and ALL negative behavior, is detrimental to their health and you are exacerbating their illness, not helping.  

    I know you don't want to leave her and that's good of you.  But you MUST make it clear to her that things cannot continue in this manner.  She needs to find coping strategies to deal with not always getting her way with you.   You are your own person and behaving as your puppet master IS within her control and it must stop or trust me, you WILL reach a breaking point.   So, if she wants you to remain in her life, she needs to really seek change in her treatment of you.  Right now, this is a dictatorship, not a relationship. 

    • Like 2
  6. 15 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

    My mother lives an hour away.  I couldn't go there with the kids because of school.

    I have not retained an attorney yet.  When I get the money, I will.  Yes, I am going to call about an order of protection but I doubt they'll give it to me.  No, I'm not talking to him.

    You should look into pro-bono attorneys. There are many out there for cases just like yours- for domestic violence cases or hotly contested divorces with an abusive partner. 

    Why do you "doubt they'll give it to you"?  You can get an order of protection by just telling them about trashing the house, threatening your children, and that he said he's going to " ruin your life"- that is more than enough to get you an order of protection.  You do not have to be divorced or even filed yet.  

    OP, what everyone has already written to you ought to be proof to you that EVERYONE thinks he is abusive.  Why do you still doubt that the law will?  The law is really on your side in your case, you just have to seek it out.   

    Best of luck to you and please do everything you can to keep yourself and your children safe. 

    • Like 1
  7. 2 hours ago, Mommy1995 said:

    I don't want to end my relationship with my children.  He tells me it can be fixed and he won't act like that anymore.  I try not to talk to him but then he just comes to my house.  He just won't let it go.  I've told him I want it over because I have to start thinking about my kids and not myself and he says that's crazy.  I just want all of you to know that you have been a big help and I'm trying my best to do the right thing.  My mother also stayed with her alcoholic and somewhat abusive husband for years.  I don't hold that against her though.  I know she had no way out at the time.  I don't see that as being the case with me.  I do see that I'm following in her footsteps and I want to end the cycle.  

    SIGH.   Let's deconstruct this. 

    1. You don't want to end your relationship with your children. That power is IN your hands. You are a grown woman.  Choose THEM. 

    2. He's feeding you lies and blaming everyone but HIMSELF (classic abuser behavior)

    3.  You don't have to explain yourself to him.  If you want to talk things over- talk to a friend, relative or therapist.  Every time you talk to him, he'll keep trying to convince you to take him back and every ELSE is wrong but HIM. 

    4. It's in your power to end the cycle. 

    5. You should look into getting an order of protection- you can get this prior to divorce.  That way, he can't just "stop by anytime"

    • Like 4
  8. 8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

    And you think this man loves you?

    Why on earth are you still talking to him? Serious question and please don't say it's because you're "confused".

    ^ I was thinking the same thing.  WHAT to you about this man is worth it?  

    He does wrong and expects YOU to make it "right?"  And he expects you to pick him over your children?!?!?!   Abuser wants people to do that- sever relationships with everyone but THEM in your life and rest assured if you choose him, that IS what will happen.  Your kids may not want a relationship with you. 

    OP,  what would you expect him to say? No one EVER says " They are right to shun me"- but sometimes people ARE right to shun certain individuals and in this case, your kids are 100% right and HE is wrong! And abusers almost never admit they are abusive, they make excuses and blame others.   


    • Like 1
  9. OP, any person in their right mind is going to tell you to leave your abuser. 

    Of COURSE your husband says it's your fault- that's what abusers DO, OP-  Ie " It's YOUR fault that I hit you"

    The only question is, do you WANT to?  It's in your hands.  It really is.  YOU decide. 

    I only hope that with the help of professionals you come to realize that you are worthy of love, that you do not deserve abuse, that your KIDS really do not deserve abuse and that your husband does not love anymore but himself.  

  10. Who no longer wants to say I LOVE YOU to their spouse?  He says you love him more than he loves you?  He's abusing you on so many levels here. You're walking on eggshells around him, worried that you might "set him off"- that's hardcore abuse, OP. 

    I'm sorry to say, but having a child typically puts stress on a marriage.  Having a child is hard work for both parties, and you shouldn't have a child if one of you is not ready for that constant responsibility.  Unless you are wealthy, one of you is always going to have to take care of the baby on a daily basis, and yes, sometimes it is lopsided.   But that's part of being a parent.  I can understand being tired and frustrated but there is NEVER an excuse to abuse your spouse over it.  NEVER. 

    You already know your marriage is in an extremely unhealthy place, it is best to just end it.  He's being horribly abusive towards you.  You and your son do not deserve this.  It is also not a healthy example for your son to witness as he gets older. 

    What is there to make work, OP?  Honestly?  Abusers don't just stop abusing.  It sounds like he keeps pushing farther and farther to see how much abuse you will take.  That is an awful thing to live through. 

    Please please please look into legal counsel.  Please start planning your escape from this abuser.  He has zero intention of making things "work".  He's just planning on abusing you for as long as he can get away with.  

    Please read this as many times as it takes to sink in - This man does not love you.  This man is abusive.  This man does not respect you.  This man will never change.  I am worthy of love.  I am worthy of respect.  I have a right to basic human dignity.  I deserve to be supported and loved. 

    Please be honest with trusted family or friends and make your escape.  

    • Like 2
  11. 2 hours ago, Mommy1995 said:

    OK, well I know people that have been arrested for things they didn't do.  Maybe it's just different where you guys live.

    ^ I work with cops, and this just ISN'T TRUE, OP.  Cops cannot just arrest people over hearsay or there'd be a lot more people in prison.  If he did call the cops, then tell them is your soon to be ex-husband and he's threatening and harassing you. 

    You need to be strong and cut off your abuser, no contact.   Please do not consider taking this abuser back, there are other men out there, I promise. 

    I highly recommend you leave the old home.  Since the kids aren't his, he doesn't need to know where you are living. 


    • Like 1
  12. Why did you dislike her the minute you met her?  Do you feel threatened in general by other women?

    Why do you keep snooping on your husband's phone?  Do you not trust him?  Have you had trust issues before?  It almost sounds to me like you are looking to verify your feelings that he is having an affair.  And when people are in that mode, you can justify almost anything as 'cheating' if you are looking to.  It's like when staring at clouds long enough, you will force yourself to see what you want to. 

    But honestly, based only on what you said, I'm not sure that he is.  So WHY are you SO Sure????

    How do you know for SURE that it wasn't an honest mistake?  Maybe it WAS and that's why he deleted it and didn't remember it.  Or maybe she TOLD him it was a mistake.  Maybe she WAS trying to flirt and he deleted it? And even if he DID flirt back, flirting isn't always cheating, OP.  You seem overly focused on her age.  Most men do enjoy attention from younger women, if they are being honest, but that ALSO does not mean he is having an affair. 

    At any rate, it was a picture of a chair?  Why are you reacting THIS strongly to the point where you are crying in your words "hysterically?" and wanting to "run her over". 

    I hope you can understand OP that whether this is purely innocent or not, your reaction is pretty extreme and unhealthy.  I highly recommend that you speak to a therapist about all this. 

    You don't actually have any proof of him cheating other than your own feelings and suspicions.

    So, back to you- WHY is this your immediate go to reaction?  What has happened in your past that makes this incident (which sounds to me like a big nothing, honestly) this triggering for you? 

    As far as someone else saying to bring in their HR dept.  Do NOT do that under any circumstance.  1. It's not illegal to flirt, send pic to others (especially NON explicit pics of a CHAIR) or even to have an affair.  2. They (HR) cannot just confiscate or search your private property  3.  If you tried to do this, OP- She could sue YOU, for defamation (especially if you tried to get her fired) and honestly, she would win. 

    You say the damage is done.  What do you mean?  That regardless of what he says and total lack of concrete proof that he is cheating on you, you are just going to continue believing that he cheated? 

    If you really don't trust him to THAT degree, why did you marry him?  Do you think all men will eventually cheat? If so, maybe marriage isn't for you.  We exist in a world in which any man you are with is going to have contact with people of the opposite gender.  Can you honestly say that in your entire life you've never harmlessly flirted with someone at work?  

    Just some things to think about.  But no matter what, I really believe you should see a therapist.  You clearly have some deeply rooted emotions that you need to learn to resolve.  Regardless of your marriage, it's very unhealthy for you to have this level of anger for a virtual stranger, who has really done nothing to you. 



    • Like 1
  13. OP, You KNEW who he was and you married him anyway.  

    When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. You say you don't deserve this, and I agree that you don't- but at the same time- you keep forgiving him for something that is a deal-breaker for you- thereby saying thru your actions, that it is NOT in fact a deal-breaker for you. You frankly need to decide if it is or isn't.  

    The fact that you felt the need to snoop shows that you don't trust him and you know that you can't trust him.  You expected to find something.  So while you may have forgiven him for the past, you clearly didn't forget. 

    Do you honestly believe he is capable of change?  This isn't a one time mistake, but a long term behavior.  I'm sorry to say, but all those times you forgave him in the past, only showed him that you were willing to tolerate it and all he had to do was apologize in the moment and you would let it go until the next time.  Therapy isn't a magic band aid for chronic behaviors.  They are extremely challenging to break and often times they never do. 

    Please do not have a child with this man.  Men who are inclined to cheat only do MORE of it once a baby arrives, not less.  Having a child will not fix your problems, only add to them. 

    Your choices are clear- stay with him and understand he is likely to continue to cyber cheat on you for the remainder of your relationship.   Or get a divorce and find someone who is honest and who defines cheating in the same way that you do. 

    • Like 5
  14. Oh OP, my heart just breaks for you.  When someone is a different person after marriage- THAT is real person, now that they are comfortable.  Too many people sadly think that after marriage, they don't have to "try anymore".  This attitude of " Well now I have you, so that's that".  

    Please know- THIS IS ABOUT HIM, not you.  Please re-read that like ten times. 

    He SAID it- He's afraid to be alone.  It sounds like he is afraid to be alone- I.e. wants a woman around to do all the cooking and cleaning, but he isn't necessarily interested in a marriage about a loving partnership. I'm sorry to tell you that there are many people like this.  

    You are not in a loving marriage.  Your husband is being emotionally and psychologically abusive towards you.  Please DO NOT bring a child into this situation.  It will NOT fix anything, but only make things 100 X WORSE! 

    You can love someone and still be incompatible with them, OP.  Happens every day of the week.  There's a big difference between having feelings for someone and being able to live with them on a daily basis. 

    You can't even share your feelings without being worried about that setting him off.  That's not healthy now and it won't be healthy 5, 10, 15 years from now.  So yes, I think you should get divorced.  At the VERY least, I think you should separate for now. Because, Whatever is going on with your husband, he needs help.   

    If I were you, OP- I'd start packing and stay with family or friends and tell your husband- once you are SAFE- that he needs to get his act together.  Verbally abusing you in front of friends or home alone while drunk is NOT okay.  That's abuse and things can quickly escalate from verbal to physical. 

    OP, no one ever WANTS to get divorced- I know that I didn't- but sometimes it really IS the healthiest option for everyone concerned.  There's too much stigma on divorce even now.  People always tell you to leave a DATING situation where someone is abusive, a JOB where someone is abusive, to cut off PARENTS or SIBLINGS that are abusive, so why NOT a SPOUSE if THEY are abusive? 

    I implore you, OP, for your OWN sake.  Please seek safety until your husband gets his act together at the VERY minimum.  Nothing will ever improve in your marriage if he doesn't improve himself.  This is NOT something you can "fix" alone, so please do not try. 

    • Like 3
  15. I want to give you a slightly different perspective. 

    While I DO agree with the above posters that being fine and the ability to be happy without your spouse present 24/7 is a GOOD thing, but I want to focus in on a couple concerning things you said that I think are getting glossed over. 

    I don't believe you should ignore your feelings that you were less stressed and more relaxed than you had been in your words- a long time.  While I don't panic when my husband is gone, I do still miss him. It's normal over the long term to want some occasional space or feel ok when you are alone.  However, to be there is a strong difference between that and feeling "free" when your spouse is gone which can be an indicator of something wrong.  (Not necessarily a deal-breaker, but perhaps a nagging issue)

    Maybe this is you or maybe it isn't.  Perhaps your romantic love for your wife is waning a bit.  After all, you can still love someone and still have issues in the relationship.  Do you feel your wife is controlling at all?   Do you need to perhaps search for more alone time?  

    The other thing that concerns me is when you said you were rushed with "memories and emotions"- be sure you aren't staying together for nostalgia reasons or fear of being alone. I still have some pleasant memories of my ex-husband, but divorcing was still the right thing to do.  

    Not saying you don't love your wife or that it's a bad thing to feel ok when you alone, but I do think there are some red flags in here that perhaps would be wise to re-examine further.  Even if you stay with your wife, perhaps there are some issue that need working on, based on what you wrote. 

  16. We live in a world in which are you going to have to interact with other females during your lifetime.  Even if you DID cut off your female friends, that doesn't solve her insecurity.  Is she going to have a fit if you have a friendly conversation with a co-worker? Is she going to fly into a rage every time you interact with a female that isn't her?  This is a VERY toxic attitude she has. 

    What specifically about you having female friends bothers her?  Is she really insecure? 

    Frankly, her saying " You are tired of her" is a HUGE red flag.  You aren't even married yet.  

    IMVHO, unless you both agree walking into a marriage that you will not have opposite gender friends, this is going to be an issue.  In my opinion, any partner who says (whether directly or indirectly) that they believe they should be the only person of that gender to have ANY sort of love or good feelings towards you (not talking lust, just friendship or kindness) doesn't really love you. 

    I would never want to be the only woman in the world that thought my husband was funny, kind, thoughtful, caring, or worth knowing.  First of all, what would that say about MY judgment, but more importantly, what kind of life would that be for my HUSBAND?  I wouldn't want him to go to work and have every female he has to work with not want to talk to him or help him thru a work issue or be able to joke around with him.  I wouldn't want him to have to feel guilt or worry about how I respond if he's nice to female server, delivery person, or salesperson or if she's nice to him.  And friend wise, I'm glad for him to have female friends.  Honestly, I've gotten the benefit of his female friends helping him pick out gifts for me, or introducing me to my hair stylist, or networking for jobs. 

    Personally, I would make sure you either nip this in the bud now or not marry this woman. 

    I don't believe a spouse who really loves you would ask you to cut friends out of your life, if they are important to you.  Besides, I've seen people do this for significant others and then when their relationship ends, they are left partner-less AND friend-less.  

    While I DO believe your partner should take PRIORITY, I do NOT believe your partner should be the only person you are allowed to care about and have care about you.  Even in the best relationships, ONE person cannot and should not be your EVERYTHING.  That's not healthy and it's also not sustainable over the long-term. 



    • Like 3
  17. 3 hours ago, Penny32719 said:

    Hello all, 

    I am feeling extremely lost. I am a 38 year old married woman with 2 children. My husband and I met when we were young- I was 19, he was 20. We have been married for 13 years, but together for almost 20.

    We are kind of an odd couple. Very different in personality and lifestyle. This used to be interesting and fun. Of course, over the years it has become the source of an extreme disconnect. He likes to drink, a lot. At this point he is in alcoholic status- drinking 7-12 beers daily. Never drinks hard liquor. I never drink EVER. Actually I really hate being around alcohol and intoxicated people. He is very social. I would rather stay at home. 

    There was some infidelity on his end about 7 years ago. It started during my second pregnancy and continued for quite some time after. He still talks to this woman. I do not know the full extent, but physical boundaries were crossed, and almost more heartbreaking was that it was a full on emotional affair. I never really recovered from this. Don’t trust him. Don’t think I ever forgave him or can. 

    Last year, things got so bad with his drinking and other drug use that I had finally had enough. I found a place to rent and I left. He was shocked and very angry. The goal was to work on ourselves and hopefully return to a family unit after a year. Over the year, I felt great. We were able to work out a consistent schedule with the kids that was about 70/30 or 60/40 on a good week. I had time for myself. I met other men, which is something I’ve never done. It was wonderful. I didn’t have to worry about his daily drinking, which causes me extreme anxiety and stress. I REALLY enjoyed it all. 

    Fast forward, lease came up. We decided it was time to give it another try all together. I moved most of the things I had purchased to storage because I was feeling uncertain. So the kids and I came back. Immediately things felt the same. He was drinking just as much if not more. I’m being criticized for the Same things I was being criticized before I left. Things like being controlling, buying crappy groceries, being a cold person. I’m not saying those aren’t valid, but I’ve come to realize it’s 💯 emotional abuse. I’m criticizing him for the same things as well. I was going back to the old unhappy, anxiety ridden me. 
    So.... I started looking for houses. Not to rent, but to buy. I’m crazy. My father offered to do the purchase with the promise that I will purchase it from him after We sell the house we are currently living in, which is beautiful. My husband had no idea I was doing this. I was afraid to tell him. 
    Finally I got the guts to tell him. I am unhappy. I want us both to be happy. I want this to come to an end. He wouldn’t really talk face to face, so I sent him something I had written. It didn’t place blame on either of us... just saying I was happier apart. That I loved him. Don’t want things to be nasty, no custody or child support battles, etc. He was really upset, then seemed to accept it. Then back to a denial state. Just a few nights ago he was intoxicated and spewing the most hateful comments at me. 

    Then a house came up that was perfect. Offer put in, offer accepted. It is set to close on June 21st. The seller turned out to be a friend of mine, so I actually paid to rent it until closing. I have the keys now. I ordered furniture. I felt so bad that I wanted out ASAP. Everything is in line. Except for that my husband has no idea. I told him I was looking for a rental, and that I had a lead on a property. That’s all he knows. Awful, I know. 

    Then a few nights ago he tells me he is not going to drink Monday-Thursday and he will do anything he can to be with me, though he refuses counseling after some bad experiences a few years back. He has been doing that- not drinking-actually drinking NA beer, and being extremely sweet. Now, this is week 1. I know only time will tell if his lifestyle will truly change. 

    So what do I do? Do I leave as I had planned? Do I try to get out of the house purchase, cancel my furniture, and stick it out here with my husband with the hopes that it will be better?  Some days it’s great. It’s just that some days/nights are truly unbearable. 
    Any advice greatly appreciated, 


    I'll keep this short.  The simple fact that you are afraid to tell him the whole truth says everything you need to know.  Period.  Nothing's going to change.  Please- for your health and safety, get a divorce. 

  18. 19 hours ago, beehiveabc said:

    It can't boil down to 100% innocence on her part because she was told to stop the private texting. Not only did she disregard my wishes, she had him over in private. My gut tells me this was to give him opportunities to flirt and make moves. he wouldn't do that to me. He isn't attracted to her.

    I am here because I am asking ~ do I understand that it's a neighbor who needed help and maybe we can move on in peace as a neighborhood, or do I believe she tried to get him alone? If she needed help, she could have called me or texted me ~ it was always him in private. Is what she did forgivable or did she stab me in the back?

    I think you and I are thinking a lot of the same things. Thank you.

    My question back to you OP is, WHY do you care about what her intentions were that much if you believe your husband didn't respond to her, in your OWN words "isn't attracted to her" and neither of you SPEAK to her anymore?  

    Then what does it matter to you what her intentions were? You want to think she's a horrible person- go for it.  Let's say for the sake of argument everything you think about her (let's be honest- it's just your opinion and not fact) but let's say she DID want him to flirt and make moves on her.  If your husband didn't respond to it, then why does it matter to you?  No matter her intentions, it doesn't change anything.  IMVHO, you should be MUCH more worried about your husband's deceptions than hers.  But it's common tale to blame " the devil you don't know" rather than "the devil you do".  All the opinions on this woman and her morals doesn't fix your marriage, OP. 

    I want to know why you are SO focused on HER intentions (who you no longer see) and NOT your husband's (since he is STILL your husband and someone with a wandering eye will always find another person to wander with, even if it isn't THIS woman anymore) 

    I worry just for you, OP.  Please remember, put blame where it squarely belongs- on your husband.  There's no such thing as "stealing someone's partner"- no one can be "stolen" that doesn't want to be.  No one "accidentally cheats".  They either do or don't.   And no matter how much someone FLIRTS with your spouse, it's up to your SPOUSE to draw the lines and if they don't- it's THEIR fault.  Your husband could have stopped or said NO at any time.  Stop worrying about her and start worrying about why HE didn't do that. 


  19. 21 minutes ago, beehiveabc said:

    I'm not obsessed with her. . .

    She's a neighbor and I was on the fence questioning the situation ~ was it okay or was it wrong.

    The people on here have convinced me my gut is right. She was very wrong and my husband played into her.


    19 minutes ago, beehiveabc said:

    I saw him entering her home when his wife wasn't home. . . I couldn't believe my eyes. She has all the men wrapped around her finger. They must like weak women.

    OP, you can't have it both ways.  Either she AND your husband were conniving together and had an affair- that he actively and willingly participated in together with her.   OR it really was innocent on his part AND hers. 

    IMVHO, You seem to want to say " My poor naive husband got caught in her spider's web and it's all HER fault" as if your husband has no free will of his own.  And if you DO believe that, then he is your problem, not her.   If you cut her off and you aren't obsessed with her anymore, than why do you still care what she is doing- independent of your family? 

    You say you aren't obsessed with her and then a post later make a statement like "She has all the men wrapped around her finger. They must like weak women."- You are being really judgmental. Even assuming you are correct about her character-  If men cross boundaries that they shouldn't with her, that's on THEM if they are unfaithful.  

    But if she's no longer seeing your husband or talking to you, then why do you care so much about continuing to bash her?  If you haven't forgiven your husband, then be mad at HIM, not her.  She's long gone, he isn't.  

    You do not know for a fact what this woman is doing.  Maybe she really does have problems you don't know about, maybe she just likes talking to people- you are jumping to a lot of conclusions about her that you really have zero proof about.  

    And finally, if you really believe and trust your husband that nothing happened and he doesn't have a wandering eye- then why are you even here, other than to solidify your belief about the character of this other woman, which again suggests you have an obsession with her.  

    I'm advising you to search inwards and seek counseling.  Because for whatever reason, you clearly are not over this and have unresolved personal feelings about your marriage.   


    • Like 2
  20. 20 hours ago, beehiveabc said:

    Thank you, everyone.

    My husband says it was innocent. I believe him, but I don't believe she viewed it as innocent.

    I say as a married woman, you know what you are doing contacting another woman's husband and having him over. . . routinely. . .and never, ever mentioning it to the wife.

    I just wanted confirmation that I am not unreasonable in my disgust towards her. 





    A lot to unpack here.   First of all, if you are going to judge this woman for her past behavior and feel she's destined to repeat past mistakes and you disagree this strongly, then why are you friends with her in the first place?   Real friends don't do that.  

    Honestly, you sound like you want moral superiority over her with your comment of "zero times in my lifetime"- again, friends don't do this to each other.  

    I'm sorry, but you either trust your husband or you don't.  I hate when people say " I trust my spouse, but I don't trust the OM/OW", because that's a false statement.  If you REALLY trust your spouse, then it doesn't MATTER how much someone else comes onto them.  My husband has a job where women flirt with him all the time, but I don't care at ALL, because I TRUST that NO MATTER WHAT these women try and tempt him with, he will be faithful to me.  

    No one cheats alone.  Read that again. You cannot cheat with an unwilling participant. 

    Stop being friends with this woman. Because you aren't really her friend. 

    As for your husband, why don't you trust him?  And remember, if he's doing anything- even if it's just that he's enjoying attention from another woman, he's not doing anything that HE doesn't want to.  Please stop *** shaming your friend.  


  21. OP- some questions for you.

    What, in your opinion, is now missing from your relationship?

    Why do you think you push people away?  What do you consider to be "too much"?  Are you afraid of being vulnerable?  Or being rejected? So it's easier to keep things at the surface. 

    IMVHO, I can see two potential things at play here.   1. You have an " if only" mindset, which can be dangerous, especially the older we get.  We see happiness as something to achieve by getting SOME thing- IE- That JOB, that PERSON, that LOOK, that SIZE, that IMAGE, that HOUSE, that A, B, C, D-   and that we will only be HAPPY once we HAVE A, B, C, D.  The problem is as humans we have insatiable desires.  There will always be something ELSE we also want.  Happiness has to be found in the now, as much as we possibly can, because the now is all that is guaranteed.  SIDEBAR- I'm referring to general ennui- this does NOT apply to getting out of something abusive, etc. 

    2.  You're afraid of being who you really are.   Sometimes when we push people away, it says a lot about us. What we are worried about ourselves.  Sometimes people try to live an image of who they THINK they should be and in turn reject who they really are.  Sometimes it's because they are afraid of how others will perceive the real them.  Sometimes it's fear of rejection in general.  " I don't want to date that person I really like, so I'll push them away".  Sometimes it's fear of being vulnerable, of falling apart, or having to face less than perfect parts of ourselves or others.  So, we keep things light and surface and don't let anyone care "too much".  That way you can always be someone's "perfect image" rather than an imperfect human being. 

    Maybe these are your issues, maybe they aren't- it's hard to know without more specifics.  But these are some things I have seen over the years in others that have been in similar mindsets to yours. 



    • Like 1
  22. I'm very sorry to tell you that this is a situation with no compromise. You have to make a choice. Unfortunately, some choices in life are between bad and worse. 

    You need to decide what is more important to you.  Staying with this man or having kids of your own.  You cannot have both, so stop entertaining " If only this or that", because it isn't your reality and will only leave you bitter. 

    What does having a child of your own represent to you?  Could you potentially fill that void with something else? Travel, hobbies, volunteering with children's organizations?  

    What does your husband mean to you?  Could you see potential happiness with another man if you had a child with him?  

    No one can give you the answer.   Plenty of people have happy lives and romantic and happy marriages without children.  Others need to have kids to feel fulfilled, if it's something that they always wanted. 

    There's no easy choice here and my heart goes out to you.  But you have to have some honest conversations- first with yourself and then with your husband. 

    Whatever you decide, please do not try to guilt your husband into wanting something he does not want.  Trust me when I tell you, that path only results in unhappiness for everyone, even if he placates you in the moment.


    • Like 2
  23. I think Indea makes some great points. 

    But IF you still discover he still cannot have bio children, then you really only have two options. 

    1. Adopt a child with your husband 

    2. Get a divorce and have a biological child with another man


    If I may ask, what are your reasons for wanting a bio kid over an adopted kid so badly?  Sometimes people believe that a biological child will be JUST like them and their spouse.  That is not necessarily true.  I am nothing like my parents.  My adopted brother, however, was much closer to them.  A biological child isn't necessarily going to end up like you or your husband.  And please don't assume you'll have closer bond just due to genetics.  If that were true, families would have much easier relationships than they often do. 

    You ask us if you'll regret it or get over it-  But only YOU can know that.  You have to be fully committed to having a child, it's like getting a tattoo on your face.  I personally think it's more than possible to love an adopted child as much as your own, I've seen it in action. But if you're 100% committed to having a bio child, then your only options are the two above. 

    You need to decide what you want to do.  You are putting your husband in a no-win situation here.   So please, whatever you decide, be kind to him.  And if you cannot see yourself having a baby any other way than biologically, please tell him now so he can find someone else to be with.  What he doesn't deserve is you pretending you can live without kids if you really can't and growing to resent him. 

    Let me leave with this.  I fully respect women who choose to have children.  However, it is completely possible to have a full and happy live without them, too.  I'd also advise you to talk to some moms and not just new moms, moms with grown children.   Having a child isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes women regret becoming mothers, saying it ruined their marriage or didn't bring them as much joy as they'd hoped.  Some women are elated that they had them, even though they also say it's very difficult at times.  So please be aware that no matter WHAT choice you make- there will be positives and negatives.  It's up to you to decide which outweighs the other for you personally.  No one can else can decide that for you.  


    • Like 1
  24. OP, 

    He is not interested in marriage.   Please please do not consider marrying this man.  It sounds to me like he is interested in living with you so he can sponge off you, the way he's sponging off his mommy. 

    Why do you even have an interest in marrying this man?  He clearly has no ambition, and pretty obvious contempt for women and marriage. 

     People do tend to have emotional responses to Pre-nups.  But as someone who has been divorced, let me tell you-  They are a GOOD thing.  Especially if, as in your situation, you have FAR more than he does.  If you were to get married and get divorced- the pre-nup would protect YOU.   All it basically means (boiled down) is what's yours is yours and what's mine is mine.  It always protects the person with more wealth and assets.                                                                                                                                                                                                                            So, whether you marry this man (please don't) or another man that you have more than, I would strongly recommend getting a pre-nup.  I know it doesn't sound romantic and everyone always thinks they will be together forever.  But trust me, it saves SO much time and money later.  And if you never need it, all the better.  But if you DO end up getting divorced (and no matter what anyone says, you can never predict this, no matter how hard you try)- it's so much cleaner and easier.  

    I used to think pre-nups were unromantic, too.  I didn't have a pre-nup, and I ended up having to pay for my divorce on my own and my ex got FAR more than he deserved.  I WISH I had had one since he got a bunch of the money I earned while I was working three jobs and he was home playing video games and hooking up with other woman.  That hurt me FAR more than my feelings of it being "unromantic" before marriage. 

    Back to this dude, please ditch him.  He's a loser.  Not to mention his hostility towards women is laughable considering his mother is probably still washing his undies and making him dinner. 


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