redswim30

You can't change what happened. Like you said, all you can do is move forward and try to apply what lessons you have learned from it. IMVHO, and some people may disagree, but if you already know you aren't in love with you wife and know that any "efforts" you make are going to be half hearted on your part, then there's really no point going through those motions and giving your wife a sense of false hope where there really isn't any. I actually think if you already know where your feelings lie and you don't see them changing, then you should be honest with both yourself and with her that it is over. It does no one ANY good to pretend to "make the effort" if you already know your heart isn't in it. IMVHO, to do so would actually be cruel to your wife to pretend you are invested when you really aren't. Let me tell you in all honesty as someone who was married to someone who kept giving me false hope that he was interested in "fixing things" when he really WASN'T- the emotionally yo-yoing he put me through was MUCH worse than if he had just been honest with me about wanting a divorce in the first place. We ended up divorcing anyways, but now besides just being heartbroken, I also felt deceived and that he had wasted my time. It's likely your wife is either in denial about your true feelings OR (and this happens more often that you may think) she may KNOW but cares more about keeping you there as a husband and father figure than worrying about true closeness. For some people, that's enough. However, you aren't obligated to stay in a romantically loveless marriage to make someone else comfortable. I think it's time to be totally honest and let go of the security blanket. Do this after you have a safe place to go to and have gathered information. But I think it's going to be necessary to have a real and tough conversation with your wife. You need to tell her how unhappy and unfulfilled you are romantically and that you had an ongoing affair. This may snap her into reality about how serious your issues are. She may want to divorce you for that alone. (No matter what she has said in in the past, you never know until you are IN that situation how you will really feel). Or she may decide that a friendship marriage is enough for her. But you will never know until you face the music. You also need to consider what you really want deep down. I know divorce is scary. I've been there. But honestly, you are already emotionally divorced from her. She should get to have a say in how she really feels about that and how she wants to proceed- with full disclosure from you. Then you can both make an informed decision together. I hope for your sake she is truly interested a non-messy divorce.

Sometimes working on a marriage can resolve issues but only if both parties all fully invested. IMVHO, it likely didn't work because the truth is that deep down you are just not in love with your wife (you already know this) and don't really want to be married to her. You want her friendship and for her to think well of you and serve as your buffer for not being alone. This is why the idea of divorce felt fine to you when you thought you could have another person filling your voids, but now without that backup, you are scared. I get it. Being alone can be scary. But the truth is you are already alone, even if you still live in the same house as your wife. We all have to confront our inner issues alone, whether are are married, dating someone or single. No other person can fix problems inside us. I'm glad you said you are getting into therapy, as I think this will help give you clarity and start you on a good path towards healing. IMVHO, you are never going to be the best version of yourself or be the best partner you can be until you start resolving your own issues. Please face facts that you are no longer in love with your wife. You are staying with her out of fear, complacency and comfort. If you were madly in love with her or truly deeply wanted your marriage to work, you wouldn't have sought (and kept) and affair and even offered to get a divorce for her. Please divorce her so she can be free to find someone who really wants her as a spouse and not just as a friend/security blanket. You are already just friends with your wife, so why not make it official and do the truly loving thing by letting her go to find someone that really wants her. Only after you work on your own personal traumas and healing will you really be able to see if you want or can be a good partner to another person. Facing trauma and working towards healing are scary things. But this is a journey you should take alone.

Why is it you were willing to divorce your wife when this over woman was in the picture, but now that she is gone you are reluctant? This suggests that you don't really care about staying married to your wife, you are just afraid of being alone. You need to get divorced as you are no longer in love with your wife and clearly only interested in staying with her for financial reasons and possibly for your child. Please re-read your post. Please take note that there is no mention of you trying to work through issues with your wife. Everything you mention about your wife is really about you. Nowhere do you say you love your wife and don't want to hurt her. You express more worry for yourself and about this other woman, than you do for your wife and child. That should really tell you everything. Your heart and mind are not on your marriage. You don't really care about your marriage nor are you invested in saving it. If you are no longer in love with your wife and stood ready to divorce her for someone you were having an affair with, then you do NOT have "everything you need". Staying in a loveless marriage in which you are cheating on your wife and offering to leave her for another woman IS extremely selfish. Divorcing your wife would be the honest and right thing to do. If you remain emotionally unhappy and can't connect with your wife, you will only continue to cheat on her. Please do not stay with her out of complacency or fear. Do not stay in this marriage because you have a nice house and child. I doubt your wife signed up for a "marriage" in which her husband stays with her for the nice house and for friendship while he goes off and has love affairs that he is willing to leave her for. You can't take back the past but you can control your present and future. Please divorce your wife. She doesn't deserve to be your consolation friendship relationship if the romantic one with your girlfriend doesn't work out, so that you can look like a good guy and remain in your nice house.

Your family is already being impacted by this, whether you see it or not. You are already on the route to divorce, whether you see it or not. Kids are smarter than you think. You are currently modeling for your daughter a blueprint for how she will view relationships and marriage. Your Girlfriend not wanting to marry you or give up independence does not mean she has not or will not form any emotional attachment to you or at some point feel possessive of you. If your wife really IS your best friend- then as best friends you should admit that you are in not love with each other anymore. (Loving someone as a person is not the same as being IN LOVE with them). Many people who divorce still have love for each other, but cannot live with severe incompatibility. You have severe incompatibility as spouses, even if you are compatible as friends. You need to tell her the FULL truth and let her decide if she wants to stay in a sham/friendship marriage or get a divorce so you can both be with people who you are both more compatible with. And so your child has a healthy example. You are risking more than you think- you know your GF's kids COULD say something to your kid, right? If they haven't already- " You know your Dad comes to our mom's house all the time?" It's VERY easy with the internet and social media for kids to communicate without grownups knowing. If nothing else, you should think about protecting your child. Kids hear stuff thru the grapevine all the time these days. You and your wife are lying to each other and avoiding telling each other the truth about your feelings- divorce is inevitable. This is not in any way a happy or healthy marriage. You either need to step up and admit it now or it will come out later in a much worse- and likely unexpected way. This sham marriage is not sustainable.

Divorces do not have to be messy and terrible. Many people are in fact BETTER parents when they can focus on parenting as opposed to their struggling marriage. I'd argue that sometimes divorces are better for children than having two struggling parents that live together as roommates. You may love your wife and she may love you, but you are clearly not IN LOVE with each other anymore. You said it yourself, she feels like a sister and she is definitely treating you as a sibling or friend as well, not as a spouse. If you did not have a child, would you consider a divorce? IMVHO, staying in a marriage ONLY for the kids is usually a bad idea and for more toxic for the child that parents even realize. You SAY you wife was fine with having an "open marriage", but I'm wondering if she truly knows you look on her as a sister. And that this other woman is NOT just an "affair partner or mistress", you are softening this for both her and yourself- this woman is your GIRLFRIEND- Please stop lying to yourself about this. You are married with a girlfriend which is not fair to either woman, and I don't think you wife really fully realizes this. Your GF might be fine with this for now, but I'm doubting she will be forever. You need to face facts about this before things get really messy. You need to sit down and have a frank conversation with your wife. You may be married on paper, but neither of you is really behaving as though you are married. You with your girlfriend and her not caring about intimacy with you at all. You should have a real conversation about this, "I need to be honest with you about how I am feeling. No matter what happens, I want to focus on raising our child together. However, I no longer feel romantic feelings for you, and I feel like you have also checked out of the marriage romantically. I am feeling like we are more like siblings or friends than spouses. If you do not want to divorce under any circumstances, then we need to be open about how we are honestly feeling about each other instead of ignoring it. I have a girlfriend. She is not just a casual sex partner. If you are okay with me keeping a girlfriend who can meet my needs that you cannot, then perhaps we can work out staying married. Or if you are not okay with this, then perhaps we should discuss separating and continuing to be good parents to our child. Divorce is an option, and we can maintain a good relationship if it comes to this." You need to have this conversation, because this is what you aren't saying to each other. You are both avoiding reality. If you do not have this conversation by choice, it WILL happen eventually under more heated circumstances. Ironically by not bringing up the possibility of divorce, you are almost ensuring you will HAVE a messy one if you continue to ignore and sweep reality under the rug in the long term. Having your cake and eating it too will only last for so long.

It sounds like your wife is emotionally selfish. You clearly vented your heart out to her. Her response is friendly, but not supportive or holding a strong desire to help you work through all these feelings. First thing is first, please see someone about your depression. It will only be helpful to you, no matter what is going on within your marriage. Sorry you got rejected from the job. But remember, it's just one job. There will be more. You and your wife need to sit down and talk about things. While it's not her job to "fix" your depression. It IS her job to be supportive and to be as emotionally open and available to you as you seem to be towards her. It's interesting that she says you complain too much, but it also sounds like when you express anything less than pleasant emotions, her response is to shut down. No wonder you feel emotionally alone, it's because you ARE. You are basically in a no win emotional situation with her. She doesn't want to hear complaining, yet when you are fair and vulnerable she shuts down. You do not have healthy communication here. I would strongly recommend getting into couples therapy. You both need some help defining your emotional needs. Marriage takes two and you BOTH need to be fully invested in creating change and improvements. If you both aren't in this, your marriage will only continue to deteriorate little by little, until it reaches a boiling point and one (or both) of you can't take it anymore and separate. Take it from me, your marriage is on a bad path. NOW is the time to try and correct it, not brush it under the rug just hoping things will get better. Honesty and therapy time.

He's not in the wrong, YOU are. There was and is NO cheating going on here. You broke up. He made it VERY clear how he felt about you, and that he had no intention of getting back together with you. It's not his fault you were in denial about his honesty. You asking him to stay was a mistake. You expected that you could manipulate him into wanting you again, and when that didn't happen- you got mad. You are being unreasonable. He's under no obligation to like you back just because you still have feelings for him, that's your problem- not his. You have no right to feel betrayed. He did nothing wrong. He was honest with you. You just didn't want to believe it. You thought if you continued to "play house" everything would just work out the way you wanted it to, that he would read your mind, and change his, all without ever having a conversation about your own feelings and desires. You are the one that was lying to yourself and to him. If he has feelings for someone else and he knows you still have feelings for him, then moving out was the right thing for him to do. This is actually honorable of him. I understand you are upset because he hurt your feelings and your ego. But you were already broken up and he made his feelings and intentions clear to you. Move on and let go. Breakups hurt. You are just coming out of your denial that he no longer wants to be a relationship with you. It has hurt your feelings and your pride. But none of that is his fault or problem.

In my experience as a woman, YES- most women are insecure/worried about talking too much around someone they like. Why? Because we are often silenced, shushed, told to minimize ourselves, told we're "obnoxious" if we talk too much. Honestly, my own husband "shushed" me the other day. When I was single, I would often apologize for talking too much, worried a man wouldn't like me if I did. Even with close friends, I sometimes do this. Part of it is just cultural for all the reasons I mentioned above. Part of it is nerves, I talk more when I really like someone- so, I'd take this as a strong sign that she likes you!

Please read this over and over- almost exactly what I was going to say. Intimacy is much more than just sex, and you have been extremely patient, understanding and accommodating. It's another thing altogether to not want to demonstrate any kind of affection to your partner. That is actually being cruel. It's unreasonable to expect you to treat your wife like a platonic friend, when that is not the marriage you signed up for. Just remember, you can't be in marriage of one. You are willing to meet her halfway, she has to be willing to come the other half or this will never work. Your wife is holding onto some secret she doesn't wish to share. What that is, I don't know. This is much more than just physical to her, she is making the choice to actively push you away and even daring you to leave her. IMVHO, people only do this for a few reasons- 1. They are just done with the relationship, but instead of being honest, push the other person to break up with them under the guise of "You deserve better than me" 2. They have someone else waiting in the wings 3. Worst of all, they want to change the dynamic completely without caring how you feel about it None of these is great. What Lost said is accurate. Please don't beat your brains out thinking there's some magical thing you can do or say to change her mind or mindset. There isn't. This is NOT going to be cured with "date nights". If I were you, I'd consult a lawyer. Your marriage is on a fast track to Divorceland. Only AFTER you have your ducks in a row, it's up to you if you want to make one honest and last ditch effort with her to attempt to save the marriage. But your wife has to be willing to be honest with you, and she is NOT being fully honest with you. She's hiding behind an operation THREE YEARS AGO, but do not let her manipulate your compassion. Operations don't prevent someone from wanting to cuddle or hug. Operations don't make your wife call you SELFISH for wanting some level of physical (non sexual) level of closeness with her. She may still have some love for you, but that is not how someone who is IN LOVE with you acts. I agree with you, OP_ she's not in love with you anymore. Stop trying to compromise with her, don't try and get her to therapy- because none of that is going to work as long as she refuses to be HONEST with you. Something (besides the operation 3 years ago) has changed for her EMOTIONALLY. But instead of telling you and trying to work thru it with you, she's calling you selfish and daring you to leave if you don't "like it". This isn't going to be healthy for either of you in the long term. Time to face the facts. Your wife wants to dictate a new marriage to you totally on her terms. You need to decide if you want to live as friends for the rest of your life, because that is what she seems to want. If not, consult a lawyer. Only after you have things figure out, if you think it's worth it, you can ask her if she's willing to tell you the truth and meet you halfway. But I think you already know the answer to that.

I'm sorry to tell you, this man is not in love with you. He's saying ALL the classic lines to try and get you to break up with him: 1. "Incapable of change"- this is BS. Everyone is capable of change. Not saying it's not HARD and easier for some than others. But, to take this stance is being absolutist- what he's really saying " I don't care enough to change for YOU." 2. "The relationship isn't fair to you/you deserve someone better"- The "nice" breakup phrases. People pull these lines as bait to get the person to break up with them and still looking "good" in the eyes of others. 3. "He's not the right man for you"- OP. how much more obvious can he GET here? 4. "He imagines his life without you." This says it ALL. No one who WANTS to be with you imagines life without you. Let me put it to you this way- I often imagined a future without my ex. I have never imagined a future without my current husband. Because if we're really in love with someone, we can't picture a future without them in it. 5. And the coup de grace- "He doesn't "know" if he wants your relationship to work." Translation- he's not in love with you. Someone saying they don't know how they feel about you or your relationship is often just code for "I KNOW I don't love you/want you, but I don't want to hurt your feelings, so I'll be vague with saying I don't know" but the I don't know says it ALL. I'm sorry, OP. But stop wasting your time with a man who clearly isn't invested in you or a future with you. You may not want to break up, but he DOES. Why do you want someone so badly who feels so lukewarm about you? I know it's hard when we love someone. But we cannot force someone to feel the same way about us as we do about them. I can't tell you if he has another Lady waiting in the wings or not, but I CAN tell you, he doesn't see himself with you long term. It's true that no relationship is perfect, OP. BUT, there's a big difference between having minor disagreements and making large sweeping statements about not being with you, not feeling in love with you, and not picturing a future with you. Please stop investing time and energy in a man who so clearly doesn't want you. There's better men out there. Men that will treat you well and WANT a future with you. Or even men who don't want a future with you, but show you the decency and respect to break up with you if they don't. What your BF is doing is spectacularly terrible. You really want a future with a man who gaslights you, manipulates you, some would say is emotionally abusing you, and doesn't love you? You can DO better. Please break up with this jerk. Give him what he wants and find a better quality person, you deserve it. If you insist on staying with him, expect him to keep putting you thru emotional torture til you can't take it anymore and break up with him. Your BF is coward. He wants to break up, but instead of just doing it, he wants to try and get YOU to do it for him through subtle manipulation to make himself look like a better person. If you don't break up, this will turn to bigger manipulation. And could even possibly veer into abusive if he's had enough.

You're welcome. It's your first major relationship, so a large part of this is going to be a learning process for you. We learn a lot about ourselves when we are in committed relationships. And you are right, sometimes what we learn surprises us. Especially by way of our own flaws, issues, and how our past has shaped us to believe and feel things. Acknowledging your issues is the first step to improving them. I'm proud of you for admitting and accepting your own issues. It's important to remember this for this and future relationships- NO partner can fix the issues within us. No man will ever be able to fix your insecurity for you and other women are always going to exist in the world. Being aware and okay with that is a journey that you have to do yourself. All the time I witness people who self-sabotage relationships because they LOOK for things to justify and validate their beliefs or insecurities, whether they are actually true or not. (IE I'm afraid he's going to cheat on/leave me- so I'm going to read into every single interaction that could possibly validate that belief, even though he's given me no solid reason to not actually trust him) I highly recommend you take two actions as soon as you can. First, communicate with him about what you would like in your relationship. But approach it from a positive and non-accusatory place. For example, " I think it's so great that you have awesome and supportive friends. I genuinely like them and enjoy hanging out with them. But, if you and I are planning to hang out together since our time is always limited, I would like to ask you if in the future we could please have a conversation before inviting friends to join us. It would really mean a lot to me and would make me feel like you value my feelings and input about how we manage our time together." And see how that goes. Second, put yourself out there more. Do more things without him. This will go a long way to not only building your self esteem, but to see yourself as valuable person worthy of love, respect, and attention from people other than your boyfriend. Significant others should never be our only valuable relationships. You hit the nail on the head. Everything WILL be all right. 🙂 You just need to approach things from a positive and proactive place. You're still very young and have a lot of time to explore what is, live in the moment. I can tell you as a woman that has done and seen a lot in my life, please don't ever waste your time on what COULD be. Try to see and appreciate what is your life now. Life and relationships often don't go quite as we expect them to, but that doesn't mean things can't be beautiful. Learn to let go of what isn't meant for you and embrace the positive you do have. All the best to you.

I'm sorry to tell you- I think it would be wise of you to dump her. She doesn't sound like a sweet person at all. She sounds like a selfish liar who cared more about her own ego in that moment, by her own admission "didn't remember you existed"?, did it MULTIPLE times (not once) and then lied about it and tried to make herself seem like the victim. Does that really sound like a "sweet" person to you? More than her cheating is the fact that she didn't tell you the truth, until she felt guilty enough to do so. I think it's really telling of her immaturity, her selfishness and how dishonest she is that her first response was to deny responsibility and try to make it seem like she was "forced" into kissing this guy, multiple times. Is this really the type of person you want to spend your life with? Do you have low self esteem? The real red flag here is her response to everything which is more worrisome than pretending you don't exist (which is still pretty bad) because she was attracted to someone else. Sorry but IMVHO, she is still lying to you about "not enjoying it", that's to try and spare your feelings. Generally speaking, I (and most women) wouldn't kiss someone twice that I didn't enjoy kissing the first time. IMVHO, ONE kiss would have been a mistake. TWO kisses is a CHOICE. Please don't lie to yourself about that. If she hated the first one (or cared about being loyal to you), she would have stopped the second one. If you stay with her, I strongly believe that even if she never cheats on you again (which I personally think she is likely to), how will you ever trust her? Is she always going to lie to get herself out of making herself look bad? Think about yourself- if the two of you have a bad fight, is she going to deny any culpability and place all the blame on you? You say honesty is important to you, so do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who continuously lies to you? Love isn't enough when it comes to compatibility. I think you aren't compatible in this area of honesty. Stay with her if you want to, and you seem to want to, but don't be shocked when this happens again. "When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time." Look, I don't think she's the world's worst person, but even if you wanted to really reach and chalk this up to a "one time mistake" she STILL sounds exceptionally selfish, immature and her gut instinct is to lie to make herself look better. Is that really what you want in a long term partner?

You say this is your first serious relationship, so I'm going to give you some advice as someone in her second marriage. You say you are ok with being friends with people of the opposite sex, but are you? Really think about this. You haven't and will not have met every single woman he's ever been friends with in his life and you won't necessarily (highly unlikely) to meet every single female he ever interacts with- be it a colleague, a past friend, or even someone he once flirted with. I always advise people to tread lightly here. Remember that your BF isn't a possession, and it's actually not healthy to want to be (and I'm not saying YOU are, but things can take this turn if you aren't careful) the only person of the opposite gender he cares about on any level. Think about yourself- do you feel the need to "report" to him about every interaction you've ever had with any male ever? I'd dive deep here into what really bothers you about this. You are RIGHT in that you DO need to be able to trust each other. We live in a co-ed world, he's going to interact with other women all the time. I personally believe men that are capable of having platonic female friends are less likely to cheat than men who simply view women as romantic interests and nothing more. If you feel the need to have a conversation about your feelings, make sure you are expressing how you feel without accusation and with the understanding that any agreement you make or parameters you set can and will be held to you in an opposite circumstance. You say he has poor communication, but it doesn't sound like you are the greatest at it either by your own admission. So, I would first examine yourself. Remember, he's not a mind reader. If you don't express your needs, you cannot hold him accountable for invisible expectations. Now onto my advice for you- It sounds like you need to sit down and have an honest, open, and calm conversation in which you express your needs to him. But please understand, he may not fully agree with it. This is where it turns into a real and adult conversation. It's not like in the movies, where someone says what they want and their partner immediately sees their POV and does it. You can expect some level of pushback or even upset, and then you see if you can reach a compromise. But rarely in life, does a partner actually say " Yes, dear. Anything you say, dear." So do not go in expecting that to be the outcome. Can I ask what you are so upset about? Your problems seem very typical for a young couple and nothing outrageous or even bad. Your BF isn't even technically doing anything wrong at all. I think perhaps it would be wise for you to seek individual therapy. I wonder if there's some underlying issues going on with you that this relationship is trudging up for you. Perhaps you aren't ready to be in a serious committed relationship? Please understand I do NOT mean that as an insult in any way. But I do need to comment to you- ANY person you are ever going to be in a relationship with- You cannot control everything they do. It's up to you to state your feeling and expectations and then see if you can reach a compromise. But no one is ever going to be a mind reader, and that's unreasonable on your part. I think you really need to take your BF out of the equation and dig deep into what the source of this hurt is for you. You mention feeling alone. Could it potentially be that you feel some resentment towards your BF for having multiple sources of support while you feel like you only have HIM? I don't know, but I think it's worth you thinking about and consulting an unbiased expert.

So you slept with someone else and "just realized" you had an affair? Most people would consider sleeping with someone else an affair. If it was just emotional, it would be more understandable. You bonded over losing this woman that you both loved deeply. However, the question is once it became physical, why didn't you stop it after a kiss? That would have been the time to recognize that a line has been crossed. Sorry to say, unless you think no one in your family will ever see or talk to your BIL ever again, you're going to have to tell your husband. This isn't some stranger at a bar. Or even a coworker. Stuff with family members is super duper messy, because it's going to come out eventually. Your husband already seems to know and instead of fully confessing, you are gaslighting him, hoping to alleviate your guilt and hoping it will change the facts. But the facts are, you've ALREADY blown up your marriage whether or not your husband ever finds out about the physical cheating, because he no longer trusts you. You had an affair. Accept that. I highly recommend individual counseling. You are going to have to come clean and tell him. The least you owe him is honesty, so that he can decide what he wants to do. He may choose to work on things with you in couples counseling. He may decide he's done. But the longer you wait to tell him the truth, while he suspects it anyway, is going to make everything worse. Continuing to lie to him after already cheating on him will blow up any chance for a reconciliation. Sorry, but this is your BIL- there's just no way on earth your husband is never going to find out. And if he doesn't hear it from you, the worse it will be. If this was just a momentary lapse of judgment and kissed once and stopped it before it went further, I'd say let it go. But you slept with him. It takes a LOT of YES's to reach the point of sleeping with someone- there's so many "checkpoints" you have to go thru and you made that decision. Time to face the consequences of your affair. Your husband is never going to stop questioning until he reaches the truth. The only question is do you want him to hear it from you as a place to start to heal or thru the grapevine in a manner that will assuredly obliterate any hope for future reconciliation?

Let's make one thing clear- She's NOT a stalker. I've had stalkers- I blocked them on everything and called the cops. I did NOT give them my cell phone number and communicate with them regularly- LOL. She's in his life because he LETS her be. Your real fear has nothing to do with this woman. Your real feel you've expressed here. You and your BF have not reached a place where you both feel comfortable being completely honest with each other. THAT's your real issue.

^THIS! OP, you need to do three things immediately. 1. DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE under any circumstances. Even if you or she sleep in different rooms or one of you on the couch. If she wants to leave, she can. After all, she's the one who wants "independence". She cannot force you to leave your own house. If you leave, this will only make things worse for you in the long run- DO NOT DO IT. 2. STOP trying to logic this out with your wife. She's made it pretty clear that she is going to do whatever she wants, no matter what you say. She has zero interest in being fair or kind to you. Do NOT let her emotionally manipulate you about "what's best for your child", when all she's interested in at the moment is herself. Also, she is bringing alternate lifestyle into the conversation, which is pretty insulting and belittling to these communities. Poly-amorous relationships only work when BOTH people are poly-amorous (or at least ok with it). What she is describing is not polyamory anyway. She is describing a relationship in which you are faithful to her while she abandons you physically and emotionally, acts single and cheats on you, her monogamous husband. She's only thinking of herself. She clearly doesn't care what happens to you and is already trying to set things up in which she gets everything she wants and you get screwed over. She's trying to made it look like- YOU left the house, and she was left alone with your child. She wants to try to have everything- Do whatever she wants regardless of how you feel and STILL trying to make it look like she is a good wife and mother, when she isn't being either right now. STOP telling her your plans or your innermost thoughts. 3. CONSULT AN ATTORNEY RIGHT NOW. Seriously. Please do this right away! You need LEGAL advice from an expert. Do not do ANYTYHING until you speak to an attorney. Do NOT leave the house, no matter how heated things get. I'm sorry to say that you have to accept facts that your marriage is over and begin making a plan to protect yourself and your child. SAVE ALL YOUR TEXTS and anything you have in writing from your wife. DO NOT let your emotions control you. Get solid legal advice and then work out what you will do. I'm so sorry you are going through this, OP. I know it hurts. The best thing you can do to protect yourself is to stay put, consult an attorney and remain in your house. You need to find a good attorney and make a solid plan. This is the only way to protect you and your child.

Hey OP, I am sorry you are going through this. BUT- this is your GF's problem. There's a difference between "dominant behavior" and aggressiveness. The fact that her mother isn't teaching her this difference is horrifying. Maybe she'll learn this when someone who isn't her parent has to deal with this aggressiveness and she gets into some serious trouble. Listen, OP- I'm a stepparent. And you are right, it can be INSANELY challenging to keep your mouth shut when you see ways the child is being raised or has been raised that you disagree with. But it's important to remember that no matter how frustrating it can be, they are the child in this situation. After all, she did not choose you, her mother did. It's her mother that is both causing the problems and refusing to address them. I'm very lucky, because when I first got together with my husband, his kids weren't jazzed to meet me. But HE stepped in and told them, " I know I did not raise you to be this rude. Someone is kindly greeting you, please respond to her." Sadly, not all parents are good at disciplining their children or drawing lines in the sand about how they are expected to treat others. Sounds like your partner sucks at it. Also, sorry to tell you- Most parents, no matter how badly the child behaves- and especially THESE days with the "my kid is perfect" attitudes- most will NOT take kindly to criticism of their children, even if it's warranted. This is an either deal with it or consider moving on type of deal. (You also are now getting a taste of why being a stepparent is the toughest job in the world. You should really consider if dating someone with a kid is right for you) The good news is the daughter is 17 and will maybe go to college in a year and do some growing up. But I do understand you, teen behavior can be tough to deal with. For the record, I DO think your GF is too unhealthily attached to her daughter, I DO think she is teaching and enforcing terrible behavior that will get her in trouble or at least make her wildly unpopular. But none of this is the core issue. Your GF does not stand up for you or make you a priority. Those are HER choices that really have nothing to do with her difficult daughter.

OP, please re-read this over and over again. Do not blame yourself. Protect yourself and your child. Consult an attorney now.

OP, I HIGHLY advise you to exercise EXTREME caution here. If she wants to leave the marital home, let her. However, DO NOT LEAVE THE HOME YOURSELF for days at a time, especially leaving your child with her. You cannot trust your wife at this point, and it would be foolish of you to let her hold all the cards in this moment. I would tell her that if SHE wants to get her own apartment, she can. But that you will not leave the home for days at time. She can SAY it's "to give you a break from the child" but I think she has sneakier motives in mind. WORST case scenario, she's going to use the days you are away from the home as potential "proof" that you are abandoning her and your child " He moved out" or at LEAST to make it look like this is a MUTUAL decision (which we already know it is not) and this will hurt you in court. You may need to fight for full custody of your child at some point, so PLEASE DO NOT FALL FOR IT. Fathers already have an uphill battle when it comes to child custody in divorces, so do NOT set yourself up for an even bigger battle with this. Even if this is NOT your wife's plan- do NOT leave your child alone in that house with her. You do not want her bringing her new boyfriends into your home with YOUR child. This is dangerous for you and your child on multiple levels. DO NOT AGREE TO THIS!!!!!! Do NOT let her emotionally manipulate you with things like " I want our son's life to be as normal as possible" or " I want to give you a break from him". I would say, " Our son needs my consistent presence in his life. I do not think us rotating in and out of the home is wise. I think one of us should remain in the home perpetually and that should be me. Maybe it is best for you to get your own apartment and we can figure out days that you can come over when I am home." Set yourself and your son up for SAFETY and SUCCESS. If your wife wants to be "Independent", then let her be. But do NOT simply bow down to what she wants, namely having her cake and eating it too. She wants to look like a better mother while essentially abandoning you and her children for sex. DONT FALL FOR IT, OP. You'll only be hurting yourself and your child.

^ THIS. I also know married couples who have open marriages. But do not let your wife gaslight you. That is not what she is seeking. She just wants to live like a single women whilst still having you around as a safety net. This is wildly unfair and pretty cruel towards you. Open marriages only work if BOTH people want and consent to it, otherwise it's just one partner asking permission to have affairs. I know it's difficult since you have children and are struggling financially. However, I think you absolutely need to face facts that your wife really just wants to be single. I don't think this desire of hers is just going to vanish into thin air. Please consult an attorney and start thinking of ways you could live separately. I know it seems impossible to think of, but trust me as someone who divorced with very little- you CAN do this and you will come out the other side. You already know this isn't a healthy marriage. Marriage should not be about one person sacrificing their happiness, well-being, and potential contentment for the sole purpose of the other person's comfort. That's not what a loving relationship looks like. You already know that you DO deserve better. I have to wonder- what are you holding onto with your wife? Why do you feel so determined to try and be in a marriage by yourself? She clearly doesn't respect you. She isn't all that concerned about your feelings, if at ALL. She's treating you like a total doormat, not as her husband that she values and loves. She's being incredibly selfish and not thinking of how detrimental this is to you and your child. Unfortunately, no matter how much you love her or want her to behave responsibly, you cannot control your wife's actions and it sure sounds like she's gonna do whatever she darn well pleases- your marriage be damned. Your first action is making sure you protect yourself and your child. You don't want to end up with an STD or for your child to be around some random men. Please consult a lawyer and begin looking into options. Once you have a plan in place, start making an exit strategy. I'm sorry to say, I think your marriage is over. This isn't a "compromise" issue. She clearly wants to seek out other partners and you are not okay with it, unless one of you changes your mind (doubtful) this is really a marriage-breaker. Please do NOT let her string you along. Please do NOT sit around hoping she will change her mind or stop. Please do NOT let her push you around and treat you as her security blanket while she seeks to date other people. If she wants to be independent- let her be. She can get her own apartment, pay you child support and set you free so that you can find someone else who believes in monogamy as you do and who will treat you with love and respect. There's little in this world that is more selfish than not wanting to commit to a romantic partner fully, but also refusing to let them go out of fear. Don't stay with her to be her "fallback plan" in case her relationships with her new boyfriends don't work out. You deserve better AND- You HAVE to protect yourself and your child, as this has potential and severe ramifications for you both.

This is why context is so important. So the real reason you are worried isn't even really about the co-worker. Your ability to trust him ENTIRELY has been called into question. Any type of issues he is having with substance abuse is a far more serious problem than the co-worker situation. I'm really not convinced that anything is going on with his co-worker. Especially since he had no issues showing you their conversations- it shows that he has nothing to hide. Carrying insecurity from the past into present relationships is always a recipe for disaster. Your situation really all boils down to this. It really has nothing to do with if he or this co-worker have crushes on each other or not. You either trust him or you don't. If you don't feel you can trust him- that's all there is to it. No one can ever be 100% certain that their partner isn't cheating on them, because no one can be with their partner every single second of every single day. You just have to be able to TRUST that they value you and your relationship. So that EVEN IF someone else was coming on to them, trying to cheat with them, flinging their body at them- you TRUST that he would say " No. I love my partner." And if you DON'T trust him to do that, your relationship has no chance of survival. There's always gonna be other pretty women in the world- If NOT this co-worker, a pretty woman he sees at a bar on a guys night out, a pretty woman he sees out at a store, a pretty hotel clerk- you never know. You shouldn't be with someone you don't trust. I can see why with the current circumstance you'd question if you can trust him. However, be careful. The solution is not going to come from being paranoid about other things. Truthfully, I don't see strong evidence of anything going on with this co-worker. They just seem to have friendly banter- big whoop. If you asked a male co-worker how his Halloween was, would you want your BF to assume you obviously MUST have a crush on this guy, even when you've been transparent, told him you DONT, AND let him read your messages? We always have to think of everything that bothers us in reverse and how it would make US feel. Don't pester him too much on this without further evidence, or him cheating on you could become a self-fulfilling prophesy. Either way, you need to decide if your trust in him has been shattered or can be rebuilt, but the approach should not stem from assumption or accusation.

This is a bit tricky, OP- because I think there's a ton of grey area in this. Do I think she has a crush on him? Maybe, maybe not. Do I think he has a crush on her? Likely not. Possibly one does and the other is totally oblivious. Maybe neither does and they just enjoy each other's friendship during a boring work day. Honestly, male and female co-workers can talk, laugh, joke together-all the time. Can something like this turn into an affair? Yes. However, IMO- it rarely does. Not saying it can never happen, but when you consider how many people work together, develop crushes on each other, and never act on them, that number is higher (in my experience of working in an office spaces) than in these actually turning into real affairs or relationships- don't believe the rom coms. And please don't believe people who think EVERY opposite gender interaction is "obviously" going to result in an affair. Here's the part you aren't going to like. This is just MHO, but I really think it's honest and I wish more people would simply admit to this. Unless you are dead, the vast majority of people - even those in happy partnerships- are going to develop friendly interest or even crushes on other people during their lifetime. It's unrealistic to think your partner is NEVER going to find ANYONE else of the opposite gender that they find to be- Funny, interesting, attractive, amusing, kind, fun to be around- etc. This does not mean that every time this happens, it's going to take a wrecking ball to your relationship. My husband and I are very open and honest with each other about this. We tell each other if we have a crush on someone else at work. Saying things like " This really attractive guy started today. " or " This woman who joined my department seems really interesting, I enjoy joking with her." We do this because- It gives us less reason to be suspicious or jealous, being so open and we both know our relationship means more to us than a fleeting crush. It fosters honesty and trust. I don't think it's a slam dunk that he even has a crush on her. Men can sometimes be oblivious to these things. It's not even necessarily true that she has a crush on him. I have two MAJOR questions for you that I think you need to consider and answer HONESTLY. 1. HOW do you know about all these supposed "private messages" they've sent each other. Are you spying on his work chat? 2. Suppose for the sake of argument that they DO have crushes on each other. Why does this bother you? Do you not trust him? Are you truly concerned that he would leave you for her? Has he given you any actual cause not to trust him? I think a lot of times co-workers playfully "flirt" with each other and it often is just a way to ease boredom without any real substance. Why are you this concerned? Why DO you keep bringing her up? And leading back to one- why are you spying/obsessing over this one woman in particular? Does she have qualities you feel that you want? Is it that she takes some of his attention? Do you feel there's been problems in your relationship? This is important for you to figure out and then face it. If my husband came up to me and said " I think my co-worker is in love with me." Ok, she has good taste, but I would still have to TRUST HIM that he wasn't going to do anything to jeopardize our relationship, - and if I didn't trust him to do this, then we have bigger issues that a co-worker who has feelings for him.

^ I agree. It's hard to know what kind of advice to give without knowing exactly why you have been distant with each other. Also, I am SO sorry this happened to you, OP. If, for example, he is victim blaming you, I'd have far different advice than if he not blaming you but you don't feel comfortable having sex with your husband. I can tell you this much. There's no way AROUND this. You are going to have to go through it. This either means seeking a a marriage counselor and attempting to rebuild things or if you think your husband has no intention of changing this behavior, seeking a separation. Nothing is going to improve until one of those things happens and you just keep dancing around the issues. Contrary to popular belief, couples don't always separate or divorce because they hate each other. Often, there is still some love (maybe even a lot of love) there. But the challenges are too insurmountable and typically at lease of of the two people doesn't want to live in the situation anymore for their own mental health or safety. You need to make sure you are taking action to protect yourself from emotional abuse and your daughter as well. These should be your two top concerns. Your marriage comes third.

OP- YIKES. Your GF is 100% materialistic. A proposal should be about wanting to make a lifetime commitment of love to one another. Not- I'll only marry if you if you can buy some crazy fancy ring for me. That IS materialistic. My husband could have proposed with a paper ring and I would have accepted. I still don't have my "dream ring", but I have a happy partnership, which is worth way more. The fact that she is more interested in an expensive ring than being united with you is telling. If you marry this woman, I really worry for your future. Because this isn't about a ring- not really. It's about an attitude of " I'm WORTH MORE" (her words). When and where does that attitude end? " I need a more expensive wedding/honeymoon/house/vacation/gift- etc etc etc" PROVE you love me by showing me how much you will SPEND on me because I'm WORTH it- is not a healthy attitude. You should be aware that in MOST marriages, fights over money is a big issue. It has also been the source of many a divorce. Please PAY ATTENTION, OP. This woman's attitude over what is important is highly problematic, to say the least. For the sake of argument, imagine you GET this ring and she says yes. Now you are planning your wedding. How would you feel if she said " I'm only getting married ONCE and I DESERVE a big fancy wedding. I will not marry you until you give me my DREAM wedding worth 250K. Otherwise, I won't marry you. I need a quality wedding." ^ Is that really the type of person you think would make a good life partner?

Generally, YES. It's perfectly to go out with people of the opposite gender to hang out as friends. MOST people do, especially if they are not married. But even a lot of married people do. Now there's nothing wrong with not liking it, but you and your partner have to be on the same page. However, I will tell you- we live in a co-ed world. So if you are the type that gets easily jealous, this could be an ongoing struggle for you. You are long distance, so I find it a bit odd for you to be this jealous. I don't honestly see what sort of foundation you have with this man for a real relationship. If I were you, I'd get myself to a counselor. You need to sort through your past mistakes and baggage. You cannot hold the mistakes of past relationships and project them onto a new partner. That's not fair. You also need to sort thru your own past mistakes and how that may be clouding your judgement. IMO, this relationship isn't for you. You already have double standards, don't trust each other and are long distance. I don't see how this is going to work.