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Everything posted by rosephase

  1. He sounds unpleasant. Being unpleasant isn't a small issue. Who wants to spend time with someone who is consistently making your life harder and doesn't care about the negative impact it has on you.
  2. The idea that feminism is the celebration of what any women do is a strange idea that some early 3rd wave feminists have. Which I believe started as a back lash against sex worker exclusive feminism that was part of the 2nd wave. I remember the debate being about if you could be a stripper and a feminist. Or a sex worker and a feminist... and then later if you could be a stay at home mother and a feminist. Lots of strange examinations. Later 3rd wave feminist focus on intersectionality.
  3. That's an article selling beauty products. Capitalism does a great job of kicking feminism in the *ss.
  4. I talk to my partners about what is happening in my world. Which includes personal stuff my friends are talking to me about, unless they tell me specifically not to tell anyone. Anything I tell my partners about other people (and anything they tell me about other people) stops with us. And we all have good enough boundaries to pretend not to know stuff unless it's told to us personally. For me it's more about emotional support. If my friend is leaning on me emotionally because they are going through hard times, it helps me to be able to share that with someone close. So I can have support and I can continue being supportive of my friend without it being to emotionally draining. Big emotional secrets take their toll, even when they aren't yours.
  5. Maybe your tactics cause for poor attachments... so much so that the first seeming "real" connection that comes along you are offering your heart and soul on a platter. Maybe this deep pain you feel is because you so rarely feel that real connection that you are over committed when you find it. Maybe PUA tactic calm you because emotional attachment is overwhelming for you so you purse a style of performing inauthenticity to hide from the pain that comes when you feel a real connection. You do you. But that PUA stuff instills a lot of stuff that makes lasting committed relationships hard. Your connection to it might be hurting you more than you think in the long run.
  6. Falling for someone makes you think you know them. We fill in all the blanks with positive traits because all the rushing love drugs in our brains. Can I suggest you don't dig into PUA? It's not good for building relationships. It's often demeaning to women. Maybe you should spend some time figuring out why you get attached to quickly instead of diving into PUA type practices. Figuring yourself out is going to be a lot more productive in having positive relationships of all kinds then studying PUA.
  7. They won't test you for herpes unless you have an active break out or you ask for a herpes test specifically. If you did a standard STI screening you weren't tested for herpes. Just as a heads up. Also "clean" is a sex negative term, it's less stigmatizing to go with: "STI free" although that is a misnomer because we don't have accurate tests for all STIs. How is the rest of your relationship? How long have you been together? Is this relationship meeting your needs?
  8. Do you have any idea why you have that reaction? Your reaction to ending a month and a half of dating should be a lot less brutal then advanced cancer treatment and almost dying. Why do you get so deeply attached so quickly? At a month and a half in you still barely know each other.
  9. So husband got ripped off by a porn sight? What the heck was he doing? Dude needs to learn to internet savvy if he's going to look at porn on-line. Doing it for free is extremely easy. I'm sorry that you are dealing with so much pain. But you need to deal with your insecurity. There are pretty people in the world and he's going to look at them. There is free endless porn on the internet... he's going to look at it. It sucks that he's made promises that he's broken but in the end they are promises he shouldn't have made. That is your issue. Your insecurity and it's for you to sort out. He has eyes. He's going to look at things. Asking him to not do that is asking for him to change (in a way he doesn't seem to be able to do) so you don't have to deal with you insecurity. It sucks, it's hard but it's your issue to deal with. As for the herpes thing? That blows. He doesn't sound like he's a very honest or upfront person.
  10. Your partner is acting rude for sure. Does he treat you harshly often? I would be hurt if someone I cared about treated me that way. When he said "don't start" does that mean you have a history of conflicts like this one?
  11. It's perfectly normal to not form lasting relationships in your early 20s. Are you dating? Have you had short relationships? Do you have friends?
  12. This is what I mean when I say you don't have the skills to handle a relationship. It isn't your job to make a partner happy. You can't MAKE anyone happy other than yourself. When a relationship is new and your all hopped up on love drugs it can feel like a person can MAKE YOU HAPPY. But that isn't how it works with long term lasting type relationships. It's his job to figure out how to feel and be. If you are screaming a someone over things you admit are small... you have anger issues. Those don't get solved in a few months. If you didn't break up with him, he would have either left you or you would both be stuck in a poorly functioning relationship. The only respectful and mature way to react to that is to leave him alone. Stop contacting him. And work on your own issues. Of course he doesn't believe you've changed. Deep change like that takes time. What have you done to change? Are you in therapy? Have you spent time alone reflecting on who you are and what you want? Have you dug into your anger and your lashing out?... do you just want him back so you really really think that probably you've changed?
  13. Your situation isn't hopeless. You can grow and become someone who can handle a relationship. But for your own sake you should forget about this guy. Let him go, heal and work on your anger issues. Figure out how to treat the people around you with respect. Figure out why you punish when you are upset. Work on yourself and there is no reason why you can't have a great loving relationship in the future. Just not with this guy.
  14. Yelling and screaming at someone doesn't disappear in a few months. And even if you stopped for a few months before you broke up with him YOU BROKE UP WITH HIM. Breaking up with someone as a form of punishment, blocking someone as a form of punishment, yelling and screaming... breaking up and getting back together... Dating the moment you broke up with him... That is a stereotype list of actions that say you aren't ready for a relationship. And all of that in 15 months. If he got back together with you that would be a huge mistake on his part. Work on dealing with your anger better. Figure out how to stop punishing people in your life... healthy relationships don't involve punishment. If you start working on your issues you might be in a better place in your next relationship. Right now? You don't have the emotional skills for a long term committed type relationship.
  15. Don't push yourself to forgive her now. Give yourself time and space to heal. That is a whole bunch to work through and it doesn't happen overnight. Do you have a support system out side your family? friends? Therapist? It must be so hard to have this happening inside your biological community. Forget about forgiving her for now. Take care of yourself. Your impulse to forgive is beautiful and worthwhile... but you need to heal before you can actually do that. Which means you need to feel your feelings, all the anger, hurt, fear, betrayal. Shoving those feelings down in order to forgive will hurt you more in the long run. You also need space from this. You need to not have it in your face all the time. Which might mean space from your family. Which is why I ask about other support systems.
  16. I think you should consider therapy. It can really help with dealing with anxieties. And maybe it could also help you sort out if your partner is someone you feel safe with long term. It's okay to ask for help. You are in a complicated situation. Gaining insight over your anxieties will help you sort out a lot of sh*t around what issues are yours and what issues are his. And hey, what you are going through is hard. You are struggling with it because it's hard. Not because you are weak or stupid.
  17. Well it sounds like you have two choices. Either you get into therapy for your anxiety. Or you dump this guy that sneaks around with his exs, hides his phone and his work friends from you. I think you need to understand that you DO NOT trust him. You don't go through someone's phone if you trust them. And it sounds like he's given you some reasons not to trust him. It also sounds like you have a lot of anxiety. Only you can sort out how much of either/both of these are causing the issue. Have you had trust issues in past relationships? Do you get anxiety about other things in your life?
  18. If you don't trust him, why are you with him?
  19. Yes, you were showing him that you don't trust him. That's upsetting. You were digging through his stuff trying to get him in a lie. That is an awful way to treat your partner. You either trust him or you don't. If you don't trust him why are you with him? Is he cheating? no idea. Nothing sounds way out of line. Do you have a history of snooping on him? Do you have any reason not to trust him?
  20. Does it matter if you aren't going to act on it? YOU clearly think he is attracted to you. Why would strangers on the internet know better than the person who actually knows the guy? And if you are sure it's all good with your boyfriend you should tell him that you have a crush on -this- guy. And I agree that it's normal to be attracted to others even when you are in a relationship, that is why I'm not monogamous. And I think the feelings can be a bit different from "I have a thing for a guy and I think he likes me back" and "I have a thing for one of your best friends who I'm regularly in intimate contact with". I think what Jman was pointing out is that you spending so much thought and time on this guy you might find that you are crossing a line. The best way to avoid crossing a line is to be up front with your partner about the attraction and remember that his relationship agreements might not be as open and yours.
  21. I've taught in San Quentin, the hardest part is the emotional labor of looking directly into our broken "justice" system. Working in prison was hard on me emotionally, but perfectly safe. I was in my class room without guards. I've been through lock downs and not been able to leave for a few hours. It's hard to do but it's one of the most worth while jobs I've ever had. It's rare that you get a chance to work with people in so much need. I was a LOT less likely to be raped or assaulted while working in prison then I am walking down the street.
  22. Mismatched sex drives can work if you can learn to not take it personally. But it sounds like sex is important to you and this guy is telling you he would be fine -never having sex-... that's just a bad match. You can have a partner that you enjoy and who wants to have a sex life with you.
  23. Maybe don't date if you aren't over your ex? It's not really fair to the person you are dating. Getting over a break up takes time.
  24. Doesn't she have friends or family? Don't you? You don't have to live with her. It's your house. You can call her family and/or friends and explain. Move her stuff while she's still in the hospital. Then she'll be landing somewhere that isn't with an ex who doesn't want her around. That is a MUCH nicer way to treat her then to invite all that pain back into your life and try and ignore her until she moves out. Just move her out.
  25. Yep. And now you know why so many people say to go no contact. When your feelings are high and you are working through the pain of a lost relationship it's very easy to say and do mean, thoughtless or pathetic things.
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