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Everything posted by rosephase

  1. Agreed. We have a different point of view. You should understand that yours is called Sex Negative. Own that. Because that is what you are saying and that is the view you worked to earn.
  2. You are sex negative. You don't understand the term if you think you aren't. You negatively judging other people's sex live's on your standard is sex negative. You making assumptions on what that means about them as people is sex negative. You assuming that they are irresponsible because of how many sexual partners they have had is the epitome of sex negativity. Sex negativity is the idea that some sex (meaning full consenting sex) is good right sex and other sex (also meaning full consenting sex) somehow devalues the people having it. That is what you are saying. That is sex negative.
  3. Yes absolutely! AND someone can have a lot of sexual partners and be responsible and committed. You see I'm not judging you, you are judging other people. You don't have to sleep with anyone you don't want to. AND I'm not irresponsible because of the number of sexual parents I've had. And I think if you look into your logic you will find that you do think sex is dirty and wrong... or at least certain kinds of sex (meaning sex other people are having).
  4. And with my actual knowledge, of actual people who have had a lot of partners... your opinion is wrong and sex negative.
  5. Cars kill more people then sex does. And we don’t shame people for liking to drive. You are parroting a sex negative attitude. You don’t have to have a bunch of sexual partners. Your assumption that because Of the number of partners I have had I’m irresponsible is sex negative. You are inffuring shame on sex that doesn’t need to be there. Make your choices however you want but don’t turn your internalized sexual shame on others. Sex is not dirty or wrong and how I choose to be sexual doesn’t mean anything about my ability to commit and it has zero to do with my trustworthy-ness.
  6. I love that people are telling you to lie. That’s super great to do in a relationship. Nothing like building off of a lie to have a sturdy foundation. I’m an open book about my sexual history and it’s only made for more honest connections with my partners.
  7. You are asking how many sexual partners someone *should* have. There isn't an answer to that. It's completely subjective. I'm 33 and have had more sexual partners then that. That's not true at all. It's just sex negative reflex to assume that. I know a LOT of sexually experienced folks who are very committed, including myself. I spent a lot of time exploring and figuring out what I liked and who I liked before I committed.
  8. The real world isn't ideal. But it's okay to have standards. My standards include my partners full trust. If you can't trust me not to get romantically or sexually involved with a roommate then you don't trust me very much at all. If you can't handle your insecurities to the extent that you need to control your partner then you aren't ready to be in a relationship. That nagging feeling? If you have it? That's yours to deal with. Those are your issues. Your insecurities. If you can't sort out what issues are yours then you aren't ready for a relationship.
  9. If he has an issue with you living platonically with another guy then you'll know it's not the right relationship. It's been two months. I would go in expecting him to act like a rational adult. And if he doesn't? Then two months is a great time to end things.
  10. With my ex it took two years before the abuse started. I was really invested at that point and I was willing to work hard to make it work... the problem was there was no amount of work I could do that could fix the issue. It sounds so silly now but that relationship was the first one where I had to draw a line. I won’t stay with a partner who actively tries to hurt me. Punishment is actively trying to hurt. It shouldn’t matter how hurt or angry or scared my partner is, it is -never- okay for them to intentionally inflict pain. It’s so easy to forgive them when the lashing out clearly comes from thier own hurt... it’s so easy to take it and try and make things easier on them when thier hurt is so clear. And it seems solvable... if they aren’t scared and hurt, if they can feel supported and loved and not judged, then they won’t need to lash out. The problem is there is nothing you can do to make them feel supported and loved. It’s the insides of their head that makes them feel insecure. It’s thier own voice telling them awful things about themselves but it’s easier to decide that it’s coming from you. Abusive relationships are more tricky then a lot of the posters are giving them credit for. The OP isn’t a white knight trying to co-dependently save her. He’s a normal caring guy trying to sort out what the heck just happened.
  11. This kind of relationship dynamic can really sneak up on you. And while I don’t think it’s useful for the OP to diagnose his ex, this kind of behavior is really hard to sort through if you’ve never faced it before. If you have a healthy attachment style it can be hard to understand the dynamic that is building. If your attitude towards issues in the relationship is to reassure and work on helping your partner feel better it’s super easy to get trapped into this. It doesn’t mean that you are unhealthy (although I would recommend therapy to work through the break up and start wrapping your head around the dynamic) it means basic caring giving partners are easily sucked in. Maybe I’m biased because I was in a relationship with someone I have decided had BPD tendencies. I’ve never been in a abusive relationship before or after. My childhood was idealic my parents are still together in a loving relationship and they never even raised their voices at each other in front of me. There are kinds of abuse that heathy people fall for.
  12. Your in mourning for a relationship you never had. If you hadn’t been at this distance it would have never lasted this long. She is acting abusive towards you and there isn’t much reason to believe that she hasn’t been cheating on you the whole time. She is unstable, punishing and lying to you. I know the good times were good but the bad times are who she is. Stop trying to contact her. And get mentally ready to deal with her when she contacts you. You are lucky to be getting out now. This kind of treatment ends up distorting your since of self. It can make you question your sanity. And it can keep you on such a rollercoster of emotions that you don’t notice how awfully you are being treated. You can have a partner who isn’t constantly breaking up with you or starting fights out of nowhere. You can have a partner who is honest with you. You can have a partner who isn’t abusive. You need to keep this person out of your life and out of your head.
  13. So you've already talked to him about leaving. Good! You don't need him to agree to break up with him. He is using you. He is taking you for granted. And he doesn't seem to care when you point that out to him. You could have a partner who doesn't do those things. You life would be easier without him.
  14. Are you sure your ex isn't just to "fill the void" too? What did you figure out about the numbness? What was that and what are you doing to do the next time you feel that way? To me it sounds like you need time to figure yourself out. How to deal with your anxiety, depression and low self esteem. That stuff takes work. It doesn't just change in a couple of months. It sounds like you've been doing some hard thinking. Maybe it's good for you to be single for awhile and see how you can function by yourself.
  15. Are you sure she is actually pregnant? Are you sure she wasn't sleeping with someone else? Are you sure she wasn't lying to you about not being able to get pregnant? What was the issue she was lying about that you had to get over? Personally? I so strongly don't want children that if I was in your shoes I would explain that I was on the hook for child support but I wouldn't stay in the house or the relationship if she chooses to have the child. As hard is that is to say, think or feel. But you were very clear about what you were up for when it came to children. And personally I think it's worse to share a home and a parent role if you resent your kid then to bow out. I'm so sorry you are in this position. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
  16. Are you sure it wasn't you looking her up on his computer? You are the one who obsessed with her. There are a lot of reasons why someone would look up an ex that doesn't have anything to do with wanting them or missing them. Is your relationship okay otherwise? You are crazy if him looking at someone's facebook profile feels as bad as if he had an affair. That isn't a healthy reaction.
  17. What did he do to make amends for cheating? How did he change that made you feel like it was a good idea to take him back? What is disturbing about your communication?
  18. You need to talk to a therapist. You married someone you barely know, who lied to you... and you did that because of a kink you aren't even comfortable with. You need some outside help.
  19. The only thing you've done wrong is not breaking up with her. You don't want to be with her. You two have different goals in the near and far future. Staying with her at this point is unkind. She doesn't have to agree with the break up for it to happen. Breaking up is almost always a one person choice. You are avoiding doing the right thing because you want to do the easy thing (not hurt her) but all you are doing is hurting her more and making yourself unhappy. You can't stay in a relationship just to avoid hurting someone. You can't stay in a relationship simply because the other person hasn't done anything "wrong". You are not a good match. You don't have a future together. It's to bad you've waited this long. Break up with her now. There will always be something with timing that makes a break up worse. If you stay with her for this concert then it'll be to close to her birthday... or your anniversary... or some other trip to visit you... You just have to bite the bullet and do it. It's going to suck. But it really is the kindest thing you can do.
  20. It sounds like he’s struggling. I would take it slow and wait to see how he feels in a day, a week, a month. How old are both of you? How long have you been together?
  21. I don't say this often because it's rude... but your boyfriend sounds to dumb to be in a relationship. If he can't remember that graphically talking about other women's bodies is upsetting for you... he's simply to dumb to function in a relationship. You are not asking for a lot. To be fair most people aren't ready for long term relationships at 18/19.
  22. But that doesn't mean people don't judge you for it. And how you get places in any industry is about people's opinions. The fact that you've never met a CEO, CFO, Chairperson, COO, VP, or Principal, that caked on the make-up, is because it would be inappropriate to have that much makeup on. There is a standard in those positions about makeup (which is most likely unspoken) and you are expected to meet that standard. Makeup and their look in general is a part of why they have that job. Men deal with it too, they just don't have the added complication of makeup.
  23. I wish that was true. But it's not. Makeup is part of looking "put together" for a lot of industries. And wearing to much makeup is seen as bad as well. Makeup can be a part of how people judge you at work and that can be a big part of getting opportunities. It sucks. It's unfair and it's mostly unconscious on the part of the people making the choices. I work in an industry where make up is often frowned on. Women who wear it are often thought of as to "girly" for the work. Which also sucks. Makeup is just another thing that society judges people (and mostly women) about. It's awful that it works that way but saying it doesn't impact your work opportunities is naive.
  24. That doesn't have anything to do with her history. That has to do with how she is currently acting NOW. People who need constant attention often have emotional wounds and unstable self esteem. It sounds like breaking it off was the right thing. Dating is hard. If it's bringing you down stop doing it.
  25. I never wear make up. I don't own any. I don't think it's great to spend so much time staring into your own face and trying to fix imperfections. Because I don't wear it I think I don't really notice makeup unless it's a lot. Which I can like. People who really know what they are doing or are doing something shocking or something grand with makeup I can admire. Most of my friends who are really good at make up don't like their faces without it on. Which bums me out. It's one thing to use it as a way to express yourself... it's another to use it as a way to cover your face. I think it's a lot more important to get okay with having your own face. It's the one you are stuck with. I get frustrated with anything that adds time or emotional energy into getting ready. I wear basically the same clothes every day so I don't have to put thought into that. I have a hair cut that I don't have to do anything with. The less time spent on my appearance the happier I am in my own skin.
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