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rosephase

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Everything posted by rosephase

  1. But you wouldn't think someone was untrustworthy because they liked liver. Their enjoyment isn't telling you you must enjoy liver. Them digging into liver isn't a sign of their value or worth as a human. Then you want to call us, "sex negative"....why? because we won't validate YOU or tell YOU what you're doing is nice or okay or good? It's not going to happen....so just accept that. Sex, like anything else, should be used responsibly and not tossed around like a drive thu meal. Getting intimate with whomever, and whenever, many people would not consider it very moral or clean. Then you want to call us, "sex negative"....why? because we won't validate YOU or tell YOU what you're doing is nice or okay or good? It's not going to happen....so just accept that. I call you sex negative because you believe this : You thinking someone's sexual choices makes them not moral or "clean". Is sex negative. That is why I call you that. I don't want everyone to want to live the life style I live. I want everyone to be able to approach sex in whatever way it works for them or doesn't. That is my idea of sexual freedom. That people can figure out what sex works or doesn't for them. You think certain kinds of sex are bad and dirty. Fine! But you thinking that people who have those kinds of sex are bad or dirty? That is sex negative. You can dislike the term all you want. It's an accurate description of your point of view.
  2. Age has very little to do with it (my partner of 12 years is 17 years older than me) you don't know this guy. You haven't spoken in five years. Most of who you think he is you are making up. It sounds like you are done being with your boyfriend but don't have the courage to deal with being single. So you've been waiting for someone to come along and offer you a relationship so you don't have to deal with being alone. But you don't know this man. He is mostly a fantasy. Break up with your boyfriend. You don't love him, you are already emotionally cheating on him. Give this man you used to love a break and treat him with some respect at the end of your relationship.
  3. So you are arguing about the definition... at least I think that is what you are saying? The definition isn't the "right" way or the "wrong" way to think about a thing. It's the accurate way to use a term. You don't have to agree with the terms. You don't have to use them. But if you are going to use them then I can point out that you are using them incorrectly. Because the term has a definition. There are terms I don't like, that I don't agree with, so I don't use them. If you think the term sex positive and sex negative are not useful? Don't use them. But the definition is what it means. And when someone pops up and says "I don't like that I'm being called sex negative because I prefer to have fewer sexual partners and I choose partners who have had fewer sexual partner" then it isn't wrong for me to point out that they don't understand the term (not to mention no one said anything like that). I get not wanting to think of yourself as sex negative. But if you want to address whether or not you, personal behave in sex positive or negative ways you need to agree to what those terms mean. If you don't agree to what the term means? That's fine. But then a discussion about the terms ends up rather pointless, and a fight about it... just becomes a waste of energy on all sides.
  4. Don't play head games. Three years in? This is who he is. It doesn't sound like you like who he is. That is MORE than enough to leave him. Find a partner you like!
  5. Your not worried about being incompatible? Are you going to be okay with her friendship with this guy? You aren't worried about a relationship that has four months of built up fighting in a five month of being together? What are you working on changing so that if she comes back the fighting will stop?
  6. Five months in you are just starting to figure out if you are compatible. It sounds like you aren't. If you don't think you are reacting poorly to her having this friend and she does... then there isn't anything to do about it. You aren't going to suddenly be comfortable with this friendship. She doesn't want to fight and she doesn't want to change her relationship towards her friend. It's not a good match. It's time to move on.
  7. How long have you been together? What were the underlining issues with the "built up around 4 months worth of fighting"?
  8. It's easier to talk about something when we can agree on definitions. If you disagree with the definition then it isn't much use to try talk (or write) our way though it. The definition isn't my perspective it's what the term means. If the posters had read the definition and accepted that those definitions are what we are talking about then they wouldn't keep rising the argument that I'm telling them they are sex negative because of their personal preferences, over and over again. That is why I'm insisting people read the definition... because otherwise we aren't talking about the same thing and communication breaks down.
  9. I agree but I think most of the push back was people not liking being told that there judgments are harmful. Better words can help with that. But no one likes to be told the way they see the world is helping propagate harmful judgments. We instinctively think the way we see things is right and correct. And people reject the idea that they hold hurtful and unnecessary values. I think "sex negative" is a term is supposed to get that attention. It's supposed to make people think "I'm not that, that sounds bad, I don't want to be that thing" and then *maybe* *hopefully* over a period of time they think about what it really means and why they hold the values they do and if they really want to be sex negative. Or sex non-negative.
  10. I really appreciate your point of view. And your right there shouldn't be a positive value either. You are not a better or worse person by the type or amount of mutually consenting sexual connections you have. I think a lot of the people on this thread are pushing back against the idea that I was saying I was better than them because I've had more sexual partners... or some such garbage. Sex has been so commodified in our culture that people often feel they need to push back against the idea that people who have a different kind or amount of sex are some how better. That to be sexual is a positive... and that simply isn't true. It's annoying and frustrating to hear other people say the way they have sex is better than the way you do or don't have sex. I can work with Non-negative.
  11. That's a good point. As you can see the terms are super trigger-y for people. I would love to have a better vocabulary around this subject. Sex positive is just the longest standing term that addresses the issue at all. And it's clearly hard for people to understand the meaning. The knee jerk reaction is to assume sex positive means a really sexual person... or something like that... Sex non-negative is a bit of a mouth full and does the whole double negative thing. Sex neutral? Sex non-judgmental? Sex tolerant? I think the idea behind the term is to point out that our culture is sex negative and that it takes active work to step toward more sex positive thinking. So Not Sex Negative... is what it is.
  12. What has changed since the 2nd break up that makes you think it'll be better this time? Why did you break up with him if you wanted to be with him?
  13. Thank you! I'm not sure why this is so hard for people to wrap their head around. Or what I have said anywhere on this thread that leads them to believe that I'm telling them they are sex negative because of the sex they prefer.
  14. You didn't read the definition of sex positive. Or any of the many times I have repeatedly said what it means. Nothing you said here is sex negative. Why does no one READ before they post? usually this board is better then this. Here is the definition for a third time: Sex-positivity is: –a way to acknowledge that human sexuality is diverse and broad. There is no one definition of “normal.” –non-judgmental, or in any case it asks us to be aware of (and be in control of) own our judgements. –a foe of shaming others about sexual (and gendered) matters, including children. –a way to acknowledge that we should have certain sexual rights, including the right to comprehensive, appropriate, pleasure-inclusive, positive sex education. –a construct that invites us to acknowledge that pretty much any fully consensual behavior might be right for someone, and pretty much nothing is right for everyone. –an idea that can’t be fully expressed outside of an atmosphere/context of consent. Informed, non-coercive consent. CONSENT. –a term that can include anyone, including virgins, asexuals, people who have been abused, people who have never had pleasurable or even good sex–because it does not describe the sex they do/don’t have, it describes their attitude about sexual diversity and people’s sexual rights. (And of course it may be a tool to open the door to much more positive sex–but only if it’s what they want.) –more than anything, a way to critique our current culture–which clearly is not sex-positive. I express the critique like this: What would it take for our culture to be fully sex-positive? What are the elements that would get us there? (I invite you to think about that question–it is a valuable lens in a personal context and in activist work.) –a notion that gives us access to true respect for other people’s sexualities. Sex-positivity is NOT: –a phrase that means “I love sex!” (Though if you do–that’s great! Yay, you!) –a phrase that means “I’m kinky or experimental; I’m not vanilla.” (Vanilla people can be just as sex-positive as kinksters, and in fact, not all kinksters are sex-positive!) –a phrase that can EVER be used this way: “If you were really sex-positive, you’d have sex with me/do that kinky thing I want to try/open our relationship/etc.” –to be used as a source of judgement or shaming of other people–including heterosexuals, asexuals, non-kinky folk, celibate people, or anybody else. –a way to judge others for not enjoying sex enough. –a new norm about what people should do in their sex lives. –a license to assume that your sexual response, experience, desires, and feelings are or should be shared by everybody else. I'm going to just keep posting this as a response, unless someone who has actually read it has something to say.
  15. Having words for things means we can talk about them. I agree these words are blunt. But they open the conversation. In all honestly the quote I grabbed (which is the most in depth definition) if from a person who disagrees with labeling people sex negative or positive. She suggests saying that behavior, speech and action can be sex negative or positive. That it is an action state, not a way a person is. I've been abusing the term to make a point. As for grey? There is a lot when it some to people. There shouldn't be any when it comes to behavior, speech or action. Saying that people who have a lot of sexual partners IS NOT OKAY. Is sex negative. It puts shame on people about their sex. But it's the speech that is sex negative. The person is a complex series of moving dynamics.
  16. I agree. But the problem is we need words for this. Because it's normal to judge other people's sex lives. It's normal to think some sex is okay and some sex is devaluing to the people having it. So we need terms in order to talk about it. It's a blunt term. And I get not wanting to be labeled. But the term is aggressive to pull attention to the issue. It's important to de-stigmatize sex. And in order to do that we have to be able to talk about what stigmatizes sex in the first place. Sex positivity is talking about what we actually have to to do, inside ourselves, to work on removing stigma. And that means question assumptions and realizing that our judgments are coming from a place of cultural programing. No one like being told they have been programed by culture. No one likes being told they are "sex negative" but it's important to confront the ways we hold these hurtful (and useless) values that negatively impact the people around us.
  17. You just blamed people who like to have casual sex for rape. Sounds rational. Solid argument there.
  18. You don't understand the definition of sex positive. Or sex negative. It's actively working to de-stigmatize sex. In all forms. You are happy with sex (other people's sex) being stigmatize. You actively support it. I don't agree with you on that. I think it's harmful to humanity and that is why I actively try to be sex positive. You are cool shaming people about one of the mostly lovely and wholesome things we get to do in this life. A LOT of people struggle to find a meaningful sex life because they are struggling with the shame our society (and you) put on them. We would be a happier healthier society if we could support the fact the different people want different things and it isn't because of some moral failing, that any kind of consenting sex can be good sex. You don't like the term sex negative, you hear a judgment in it... but really that is your own judgment being pointed back at you.
  19. No one is reading the definition I posted about sex positive. So here it is again: Sex-positivity is: –a way to acknowledge that human sexuality is diverse and broad. There is no one definition of “normal.” –non-judgmental, or in any case it asks us to be aware of (and be in control of) own our judgements. –a foe of shaming others about sexual (and gendered) matters, including children. –a way to acknowledge that we should have certain sexual rights, including the right to comprehensive, appropriate, pleasure-inclusive, positive sex education. –a construct that invites us to acknowledge that pretty much any fully consensual behavior might be right for someone, and pretty much nothing is right for everyone. –an idea that can’t be fully expressed outside of an atmosphere/context of consent. Informed, non-coercive consent. CONSENT. –a term that can include anyone, including virgins, asexuals, people who have been abused, people who have never had pleasurable or even good sex–because it does not describe the sex they do/don’t have, it describes their attitude about sexual diversity and people’s sexual rights. (And of course it may be a tool to open the door to much more positive sex–but only if it’s what they want.) –more than anything, a way to critique our current culture–which clearly is not sex-positive. I express the critique like this: What would it take for our culture to be fully sex-positive? What are the elements that would get us there? (I invite you to think about that question–it is a valuable lens in a personal context and in activist work.) –a notion that gives us access to true respect for other people’s sexualities. Sex-positivity is NOT: –a phrase that means “I love sex!” (Though if you do–that’s great! Yay, you!) –a phrase that means “I’m kinky or experimental; I’m not vanilla.” (Vanilla people can be just as sex-positive as kinksters, and in fact, not all kinksters are sex-positive!) –a phrase that can EVER be used this way: “If you were really sex-positive, you’d have sex with me/do that kinky thing I want to try/open our relationship/etc.” –to be used as a source of judgement or shaming of other people–including heterosexuals, asexuals, non-kinky folk, celibate people, or anybody else. –a way to judge others for not enjoying sex enough. –a new norm about what people should do in their sex lives. –a license to assume that your sexual response, experience, desires, and feelings are or should be shared by everybody else. Being sex positive or negative has NOTHING to do with your personal choices around sex. The person I was going back and fourth with was offering a value judgement on the character of people because of the number of people they have had sex with. Saying that a number can mean you aren't trustworthy, can't commit, are careless or any other negative assessments that have nothing to do with sex... is sex negative. I support anyone having any kind of sex that works for them. I don't assume that means anything about about their character as a human. The judgment is the sex negative part. Is it to much to ask that people posting take a minute to make sure we are even talking about the same thing? I've been saying it has NOTHING to do with the kind of sex you personally have... A LOT. I'm not judging people for monogamy.... to do so would be sex negative. I'm not judging your choices not to sleep with someone who has a lot of sexual partners... TO DO SO WOULD BE SEX NEGATIVE. Everyone gets to make their own choices.
  20. NO worries you don't have to read the whole thread. I've also said repeatedly that it has nothing to do with what you choose for yourself sexually. Choose what is right for you. Don't sleep with anyone you don't want to for ANY reason. It's about how you judge others who make different choices then you.
  21. Then you aren't sex negative. That term is about judging some sex and "good" and some sex as "bad". What you are describing is sex positive. You aren't shaming anyone, you aren't judging anyone. You understand that what is right for you might not be right for everyone. What is sex negative is deciding that someone isn't trustworthy because of the sex they have. Or that they can't commit. Or that they are dirty. If you read through that quote defining sex positivity it covers that. And good for you for knowing yourself. I think the way you feel about sex is lovely. Its close to way I feel now. I haven't had casual sex in... 12 years... wow... because it stopped being something that worked for me.
  22. Sorry this thread hit one of my soapboxes. But it does matter who is sex negative. It's not an insult if that is the way you think. It's just the right term. People don't like being called that and I don't like being called irresponsible or lacking commitment. Which is what happens when people make sweeping statements about other people's sexual histories. Don't want to f*ck someone with a lot of partners? Fine. Don't do it. But deciding you know anything about me, my relationships, my mental health or physical health, my level of commitment or if I'm trustworthy (?!?!?!) because of how many genitals I have come into contact with is sex shaming and sex negative. And I'm pretty sure we have enough of that in this culture. I think removing shame from sex is fundamentally important. And it's something I will go back and fourth about (even if it gets me nowhere) in the hopes that it might slowly change the way some people think. Capricorn3, would you really deprive me of my heartfelt hobby? I have to do something other then focus on work.
  23. Sex negative and sex positive are philosophical terms. You can be sex negative and enjoy the hell out of your personal sex. Sex Negative and Sex Positive are about your point of view around sex. Here is the definition I am using when I (accurately) call you sex negative. I'm not passively bashing your choice. I fully support your choice. I'm bashing your opinion that some sex (your sex) is perfectly healthy and good and other sex (other people's sex that you disapprove of) means they lack commitment and/or are unreliable and make bad choices. That is the sex negative part.
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