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rosephase

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Everything posted by rosephase

  1. How long have you been living together? What are the "living together" issues? How are these fights? Are they mean? I mean clearly they are dramatic if they lead to breaking up. Do you know how to treat each other with respect while dealing with disagreements? I sort of doubt it because threatening to move out and break up doesn't sound like either of you have good conflict resolution skills.
  2. What were the arguments about? How did your arguments end up looking and sounding?
  3. That sounds really odd. Most extroverts I know still enjoy one on one time. And I understand having a long distance relationship and not giving up your whole social life... but don't you want to get to know each other away from other people. Part of intimacy is showing parts of yourself to another person that aren't apparent... which is hard to do when you are around other people. To me that sounds like she doesn't enjoy your company enough one on one.
  4. You are a fantasy. He doesn't know you. Think about how much you've changed from when you were close to him. He doesn't love you, he's infatuated with the idea of you. And only as a counterpoint to his real relationship. Because real relationships have struggles and hardships. Fantasies don't.
  5. You started this relationship when you were 18. At 21 you are still very much figuring out who you are and what you want. And suddenly being a full time parent, moving away and bending your life completely around your partner isn't giving you any time or space to figure out what you even want. It sounds like you know it's time to leave so do it. Don't let this relationship that isn't working drag out any longer. It's unfair to her and her kid.
  6. She took a writing class? How else is she copying you? To me it sounds like you don’t like her and almost anything she did would get under your skin. How old are both of you? Do you both still live with your parents?
  7. What a mooch. Throw him out again. I’ve been with my partner of 12 years through three years of grad school and a combination of three years of unemployment between the two of us. Sometimes we cover for each other but we can only do that without resentment because it’s mutual. And paying for some stuff when you were 19 is not mutual to years of full financial support... and for him to turn around and clearly say -he won’t be paying for the place he lives- NO. That’s not okay. He is using you.
  8. You guys can not handle the distance. That's normal. You are both very young don't have a bunch of experince in relationships. It's way to much to ask that either of you could stick out this kind of relationship at that much distance for that much time. Don't fully commit to an On and Off type relationship with a five year time line until you can be in the same country again, with questions of opening up (that you clearly do not want to do) when you are 19 years old. Break ups suck, they hurt and you can break up with someone you are in love with because the situation isn't going to work. But keeping a relationship that isn't working for either of you will suck more, you'll end up hurting each other more.
  9. Being so out of control with your anger is the threat. Actively trying to hurt her is the threat. I can understand that you don't feel like you were being threatening. Often when people are that angry what they feel is impotent. They feel completely incapable of hurting the other person. I know overwhelming anger at a partner felt that way to me. How could I possible be threatening? I was clearly SO HURT and impotent in this situation. But that doesn't mean I wasn't threatening. And that didn't mean I wasn't responsible for my actions. Figuring out how to handle that overwhelming emotion with as much grace as possible until I calm down and can treat the people around me with the respect I hold myself too... that took time and work and effort. But it's worth it. Because I respect the way I treat people and I find that people respect the way I treat them and treat me with respect in kind. It makes life so much easier to be able to control your anger.
  10. It's easier to find threatening things funny when you are (more often than not) the physically larger, stronger person in the relationship. Men and women alike agree that you were way out of line and that you have personal work to do in regards to your anger. Meaning men and women both find your reaction awful... just some people also find it funny.
  11. Even if you think it was "t*t-for-tat" you were being cruel on purpose. That is malicious intent. And what you wrote in those texts was mean on purpose while she just sound like an awful demanding person who doesn't think about how her criticism effect the people around her. But even if she was just as intentionally mean as you were you are still responsible for your actions. The relationship was over. There was no point in popping back into her life to say horrible things to her... and then try to cover for your immature and mean response. It's clear in your texts that you knew you acted poorly. Going back now and saying "t*t-for-tat" is just you reaching for another excuse as to why your actions were justified... but they simply weren't. You're actions where your choice and they were not justified. They were purposefully cruel and poorly controlled. You were acting maliciously. Going back and fourth with arguments like "but look at what she said to me" and "i'm the victim that's why I can't be the bad guy here" isn't useful. You need to look at your actions and your choices.
  12. A dumpee can be cruel BY BEING CRUEL. You are not some hurt puppy. You are a full grown adult man with agency. Are you saying that nothing you said in those texts had malicious intent? You called her a bad mother and a sociopath. You were actively trying to hurt her. That IS malicious intent.
  13. We aren't talking about "passions". We are talking about anger. And anger shouldn't be mysterious or unpredictable. You should be able to control your actions no matter how angry you feel. You write like you have no agency in this relationship. And you write like you have no agency in your angry outbursts. You need to figure out what you are responsible for. You are responsible for staying in that relationship while you got so angry and bitter that you lashed out. You are responsible for how you act when your angry. You are responsible for YOU. No matter how she treated you, how you act is up to you. You stayed. You got hurt. You lashed out. And now you are trying to say it's how she treated you that MADE you act that way. But she didn't do that. That was you.
  14. Those are reasons to happily break up and quickly move on and find someone who likes you. Those are not reasons to turn around when your hurt and attack her. She sounds awful. That list is off the charts and it makes no since that you would stay in a relationship with someone who judges you so negatively. But that doesn't give you the thumbs up for acting out in the way you did.
  15. It was a lot of direct attacks on her as a person. It was mean and purposefully hurtful and you kept sending texts... that is frightening. You come off pretty unhinged and upset. Unhinged upset people can be dangerous. It is scary to have someone repeatedly trying to hurt you.
  16. I agree that her break up text was annoying, nitpicky, tacky as hell and uncalled for. Enough reason for anyone to agree with the break up. She should have just said it wasn't working out. But your response? It was scary, mean, purposefully hurtful... which, from what you wrote here was just an attempt to save face because you actually liked this woman and were hurt. You lashed out with anger when you should have just walked away. And you kept doing it.
  17. I have a bunch of male friends. I tend to date men who have a lot of female friends. I -like- men who have a lot of close women. That’s a good sign that they can love and respect women outside of the role of a romantic or sexual relationship. People who can’t manage to be friends with a whole gender because it’s the gender they happen to like to rub thier genitals on aren’t mature enough to get close to. If you can only hang out with one gender if you are attracted to them then you’re shallow and missing out on a lot of interesting and wonderful people.
  18. For a lot of people sex causes attachment. You could stop having sex with him if it's ending with you feeling used. It's pretty hard to move through jealousy in your situation. Jealousy is caused by insecurity. And a casual hook up partner is a pretty insecure type of relationship. If you can find ways to feel very secure with yourself that might help... but find solid inner security takes a long time... sometimes a life time. I would suggest that you stop hooking up with this guy if it's hurting.
  19. Hey, relax. You are 19. You are going to feel so many different ways. You aren't stuck here. How you feel will keep changing. You are going through a low point. And it sucks and you can remember when it didn't suck. But it will feel better. And then worse. Then amazing. Then kinda lonely. Your feeling state keeps changing. Pay attention when you are feeling better. Take time to notice. And know you aren't stuck. It just feels that way.
  20. How long has it been since "it"? Getting over things can take a long time. Hell, it can take a life time and you still might never get fully there. I'm still working on processing difficult things from my childhood and I'm 33. But it gets easier. You learn new skills and new experiences start to redefine how you think of yourself. It takes work. But it's worth it. When I was in my early 20s I couldn't go a day without thinking about my childhood sexual abuse. Now? I think about it once in awhile. It'll still come up at strange moments. But it doesn't hurt nearly as much. It doesn't paralyze me with shame and guilt. But that took time. And it's not fully gone. It's a part of me and probably always will be. But I can learn to contextualize and move through hard emotions, I can learn to take care of myself, I can learn how I process emotions and actively work on them. It's a muscle or a skill. You can get better at it.
  21. That's a completely different situation. And maybe she couldn't legally keep the ring it depends on the laws in that state or country. But clearly she can keep it if the dude just disappears. No one is asking for it back. Using it as a threat? That's NOT the same thing.
  22. Even then... "I'm going to keep this money you saved up for something that isn't going to happen" is yucky, yucky to the point that I wouldn't be interested in going forward with that person. Also from what the OP wrote it sounds like she is the one threatening to break up in order to avoid tough topics.
  23. Yeah... her saying she was going to keep the ring if they break up... well it's scary and strange. I wouldn't want a partner who thought that way. Like she is already planning to screw the OP over if they break up. That is a scary person to legally bind yourself too.
  24. You've been together for six months and have met twice. I think starting a long distance relationship wasn't a great choice. Moving across the country for someone you haven't really spent time with is a BIG leap of faith. You would be changing your life for someone you don't really know yet. Talking on the phone or skype or however you stay in contact isn't the same thing as really seeing someone day to day. It's easy to hide less awesome parts of yourself. It's easy not to see how someone acts under stress and pressure. Be careful with your heart and your life... you have no idea if you are actually compatible.
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