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Everything posted by CrapAtNC

  1. New Clothes. If you want your ex back, you have to move on, make yourself more attractive, pamper yourself - we call that New Clothes. Some people stay in New Clothes for a month or more - sometimes a year or so; others can't stay in New Clothes any more than three days before they have to Make Clothes with the ex. Also, you can wear Less (or Little) Clothes, which always helps. I'm going to Guatemala for my New Clothes.
  2. NC works, if you can do it. I can't - see my username. I have to leave the country and go live in the jungle with no phone or email for three months just to help me maintain NC. I go next month. Reason number whatever: NC means you might have to take a three-month vacation!
  3. Glad you find it useful. I just added another couple (good ones, I think).
  4. So glad this is getting some extra mileage and helping a few more people! Anyone got any extra reasons I can add to the original post? I've got one more ...
  5. Added some more today. Strangely enough, since I started my most recent and successful attempt at NC, I have found that I am doing it for me, not to get her back, but because I really do want to be happier and healthier and in a better position to make my next relationship the best ever, whomever that may be with. Hope the reasons help those who, like I was, are having difficulty doing NC because they can't stay away from the ex (they think) they love so much.
  6. Just added a few more points - let me know if there are any I've missed.
  7. I think you're in it, BB11! All I'm trying to do here is to help those who need to be persuaded in their own language that NC is the best move for them. If I had a kid and he REALLY wanted to spend all his savings on a car but I wanted to encourage him to save more, would I be better off lecturing him on the virtues of keeping a nest egg ... or should I get him picturing what a great car he could buy if he kept saving more and more? Making sense yet? Anyone got any other reasons I can add to the list in the original post?
  8. Yes: focusing on your ex will not bring them back; focusing instead on yourslef will give you the best chance of that happening. Take a look at the name of the forum where NC is discussed most: Getting Back Together. If my post was in the Healing forum, your arguments would be better supported, but we're here because we want to get back with our exes. Clearly, we need to find other ways to go NC, which is what we need, and I'm presenting the arguments that I'm giving myself that now allow me to do NC (which I so clearly needed all along). Will NC bring them back? Maybe. Maybe not. What is your best chance of bringing them back? Letting them go and living life for yourself. The best way to do that? NC. The best way to do NC? Any way that works for you!
  9. Many of those on the boards, including myself, here are clearly desperate to get back with their ex. NC is the best thing for them, as it allows them to get a clearer picture of who they are and who their ex is, and get a more objective view of the relationship. NC is the best thing, as it is the best way to get your ex to see you in a better light without having to pull away, and it also helps you to be able to move on happily if the ex doesn't come back and to be a better person and have a more fulfilling relationship with whoever is out there for you (and she will suit the new you, not the old, which can only be a good thing). Now, for many of us, our focus is on the ex, not ourselves. Trying to get us to do NC for ourselves doesn't work, because we are desperately trying to do all we can to show our exes that they are loved and missed and that we are sorry and that we are still there for them, and we are doing it, as we see, in a totally selfless manner. For me, telling myself that NC is for me has not worked. Realising that it may also be the best thing for the woman I think I'm in love with - now that's a reason I can relate to. What I'm trying to do is to motivate people to do NC for whatever reason works best for you, be that for yourself, for your ex, to improve your next relationship, or to win back the person you are pretty sure you love and is the one for you. NC is the way to go in the majority of cases, but, sadly, those most in need of it aren't able to because they haven't had the reason to. I'm trying to give reasons. I'm just adding one or two more now. By the way, ALL of my exes have tried hard to come back to me once I'd truly moved on. I have just started dating a beautiful girl I broke up with almost three years ago and had no contact with until about 6 months ago when she started emailing me and telling me how much she missed me and thought I was the only one she ever truly loved. I would not have got such a reaction from her if I had done what I am currently doing with my most recent ex and not allowing her the space away from me she so clearly needs. When I do leave my recent ex alone, we have very loving reconciliations. NC does work in rekindling affection. I agree wholeheartedly that it should be done for oneself, but, as I already stated, many of us aren't able top shift focus that easily. So, we take their focus, and we use that energy to get them doing NC (for their exes ... and themselves). If you can't do NC for you, do it for your ex! But just do it! Make sense?
  10. For those, like me, who have difficulty maintaining NC, there are a couple of things to bear in mind: [1] All the time we are available to them, seeking them out, or reassuring them of our feelings, we are pushing them further away. [2] We can all remember how previous exes finally showed interest again the very moment we really had let go, moved on, and started focusing on other things - even though we had made all the terrible, needy, insecure, desperate, and downright damaging moves early on after the break-up. [3] Our exes almost always give us exactly the information we need to get them back, if that is at all possible: they tell us to move on; they tell us not to keep loving them; they tell us to forget them; they tell us to find someone new; they tell us to sort our lives out; they tell us to forget about ever getting back with them - these are all the actions you must take to find yourself after a break-up, and finding yourself and changing your focus away from your ex is what will ultimately bring them back, if that can happen. [4] Almost every time we do contact them, we sooner or later regret it deeply, and that puts our self-development back a good few notches. [5] Holding on to the past is not healthy, and you need to be in the healthiest mind possible if your next relationship is to be one that works. [6] Getting back with an ex when there is still some pain, some insecurity, some lack of confidence, some annoyance is surely a recipe for disaster. If you are to get back with your ex, it should be only once all the water has passed under the bridge so you truly can dive right in to a more refreshing relationship next time around. Let the baggage go before you go shopping again! [7] How many times have you been frustrated trying to do something well or right only for it to get worse and worse the more you try or practice? How many times have you found that, by taking a short break from that task and focusing on other things, you were able to come back and do it considerably better? [8] You say you truly love and care about your ex and can't understand why they won't try again with you, but do you truly love them enough to let them go - to give them the space they need - when clearly that is what they want right now? Are you being there for them ... or are you actually being selfish and being there for you? Selfishness has no place in a healthy relationship. [9] You are obviously a good person, one who believes in making efforts in relationships - so how about giving others a chance with you? Be open to sharing yourself at this point: go out on some dates and show the world just what a great person you are, and don't be so mean as to focus it all on one individual who really doesn't want it right now. [10] Give the one you a love a challenge. We rarely appreciate what is handed to us on a plate, but we treasure - and desire far more - those things that we really had to work at. The fish that put up a fight and nearly got away is far more treasurable than the one who floated to the surface to be easily scooped into the net. [11] A refreshing break will help you get yourself back, but even better than before. Your ex was attracted to you once, and that was when you were yourself: you weren't needy, crowding them, desparate, crying, begging. If you are to get together with your ex, it must be as a totally new relationship, with you being the person they once fell in love with ... not the one they are currently pulling away from. [12] By being there for your ex when he or she is clearly not being there for you, you are giving a very clear message that such behaviour will not just be tolerated, but actually rewarded. By showing your ex that you will always be around no matter how they behave or what they say, you are conditioning yourself to accept less than you deserve, and you are conditioning your ex to always be unthoughtful, heartless, selfish etc. in order to get your attention. That is not what you want for you, and it is not how you want to teach any loved ones to behave. NC enables you to nip such bad behaviours in the bud, before they become a destructive mode of loving and having relationships for both of you. [13] Going NC is a great way to give yourself time and space to be the kind of person you want to be, to improve yourself by working out at the gym and reading a few good relationship books, so that you can make the maximum impression on whomever the next one will be. [14] NC gives you the opportunity to look at yourself, your ex, and the relationship objectively and work out what you can do to be a better lover next time around ... and whether this really is a relationship you want to revive. [15] NOTHING you can say in your call, email, or other message can gain you more points than the million or so you will lose by not giving them the space that they - and you - so obviously need and deserve. [16] By sticking around, you are not allowing them to miss you, and realise just what they're missing. Go NC and your absense will make you much more conspicuous. Let him or her miss you. [17] Going NC allows them time to forget all your bad points while you work on them. [18] Others will only value you if you value yourself, and going NC is a great way to show the world that you consider yourself to be priceless. [19] By going NC, it's impossible for you to do or say anything wrong. [20] If you have been very pushy and needy since the break-up, your ex will be totally surprised if you break contact, and that will at least make you interesting to them again. They will be expecting you to bother them, but you won't ... how mysterious! [21] Going NC puts you back in control. [22] What you have been doing has not been working or you wouldn't be here. So try NC! See why 9 out of 10 ENAers recommend it! [23] NC is the best way to end those patterns we get into that always bring about the same destructive result; it ensures a new trajectory for your relationship, which can only be better than the one you were on previously. [24] "I'm going NC" or "I'm in NC" has a cool, assertive sound to it! Seriously, though, it's an assertive action, which is probably something you've not been doing much of recently. [25] Think of someone you regard as having great relationships (all kinds: friends, lovers, family, etc.). He or she is probably very happy, and more than likely very attractive. Now, ask yourself what he or she would do in your situation. Beg, cry, 'be there for them', try to prove his or her love? I don't think so. Would he or she go NC? I'll leave you to answer that one. [26] Take a good look at the posts from people who got back with their ex. Notice a common theme that runs through all of them? That's right: their exes all came back after an extended period of NC. [27] Going NC brings us in line with our exes instead of acting against them, because trying to get back with them is not what they want. Which is more likely to take you where you want to go? Leading a horse, or pushing head-first against it? [28] If you've been knocking on someone's door for way longer than you should, they won't open up until they're sure you've gone away. [29] Would you really want to be with someone who gives in to pressure from crying, begging, gift-giving and manipulation, or would someone who is attracted to those who are calm, assertive, confident, and non-needy be more likely to give you the kind of relationship you want and deserve? Then you need to be that calm, assertive, confident, non-needy person. [30] NC is easier to spell than any other alternative. [31] NC puts the ball in their court. If your next contact (and most thereafter) are initiated by your ex - that is, he or she comes to you - half the battle has been won. The ex's mindset is now on coming to you and not moving away. And coming to you will be his or her choice - very powerful stuff that! [32] Not enjoying the pain of the situation right now? NC is your bus ride away from it. [33] Remember how new love always comes along when you're least expecting it - when you're not looking for it? And how we never meet Mr or Mrs Right when we're trying to? NC closes the door marked 'Expectation' and opens the one signed 'Opportunity'. [34] You're trying desperately to hang on to something that's slipping away from you; better to let go now so you can get into a better position where (and when) you'll be able to catch and keep this time - or realise that there are other better catches out there. Let go so you can have what you want! [35] Nothing can make them come back. So do nothing; nothing works! Go NC! [36] Studies show that rebound relationships almost always fail, so, if you've just broken up with your ex, use NC to let time pass and wounds heal; if you jump right back into this relationship before you and your ex have recovered, you will be the rebound! [37] Which sounds more attractive and desirable to you? "Please love me! Please love me! I need to be loved by you!" or "I'm happy just being me."? [38] Often, you really have no other choice. [39] By going NC, we spare ourselves the pain of finding out bad news and the hurtful confusion that comes with trying to work out what their words meant. [40] Stuck for the best way to respond to contact from the ex? Easy: say nothing. "I hate you and never want to see you again!"; best response = NC. "It's not you, it's me."; best response = NC. "Just wanted to see how you're doing."; best response = NC. "I will get a restraining order on you!!!"; best response is definitely NC! [41] If you stay in touch with them, there's the very real danger of becoming a safety net for them while they look into starting relationships with others. Go NC and you'll leave them hanging in mid-air wondering how they're going to survive without you. [42] Focusing so much of our time, energy, emotion, and even money on getting our exes back means other areas of our lives are surely going to suffer. Going NC allows us to focus resources on achieving other things, and - you know what? - that makes us attractive. These are just some of the thoughts that have been coming to mind after nearly six months of break-up with my much loved ex. I'm probably worse at NC than anybody here, but I am certain I can do a lot better if I keep referring back to these points. I'll add more as I think of them. For me, NC means not contacting them, and it means ignoring any words or behaviours that you do not want to encourage, but it also means replying nicely, calmly, confidently, without neediness or desperation, and briefly to any messages or behaviours that you would like to encourage from your ex ... or others that you may later choose to have a relationship with. But it means not in any way trying or accepting reconciliation until at least 30 days - preferably more - have passed and you are able to look at the whole situation objectively and without obstructive emotion. Hang in there all!
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