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About julsiebear

  • Birthday September 25

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  1. All these replies are so insightful and well articulated, man, thank you guys. Also it felt so good to just get that stuff off my chest. @Realitynut: thanks so much for sharing. This is an uncannily good description of her - I don’t want to fall into the trap of psychoanalysing her, but it is always good to keep in mind that everyone comes by their own baggage honestly. She is seeing a therapist already, which is a plus. Wow. Yes. This really resonates. I used to think the same. Who doesn’t love being confided in? But then there was one time, after two years of vicious fighting with her (actual jerk) bf, she called me crying and super upset, saying she was on the curb in front of her apt with a garbage bag full of her stuff, and could I please come pick her up. Of course I could - I made a beeline to my car, but as soon as I was behind the wheel, I totally lost it, I sobbed half of the way to her place. So that was a clue that these things can rub off on you, even if you don’t realize at first. It makes sense, I guess. Seeing someone you love in pain is upsetting. Also, I come to know and like some of these guys with time, a lot of them are great people. So their explosive breakups mean I lose a friend too, and then the next guy comes along and you build up a friendship with him, and the cycle repeats, it’s exhausting. The great friendship is what’s in it for me, primarily. These unpleasant conversations are not our whole relationship. Plus when I need support, she’s the first one I call, too. As for vicarious living, favorable comparisons to my relationship, a bit of twisted fascination in hearing her problems... yes, maybe, I’m not immune to that stuff. When she shares the gory details, frankly, I am simultaneously riveted and also repulsed at myself for feeling that way. That’s why I’m so conflicted about saying something. Would it really be to help her, or would it just scratch a pedantic itch? But if you told me tomorrow there would never be another anlysis of her latest awful fight, it would be, overwhelmingly, a relief. I would much, much rather see her happy than keep watching this soap opera.
  2. My best friend (early 30s) is a bit of an intense person - mostly in amazing ways. She is spontaneous, warm, delightfully cocky and the life of the party. But dear Lord, I would not want to date her. Over the past decade, I’ve watched her jump from relationship to relationship, always ending on *terrible* terms. One of her bfs was (in both of our opinions) an outright jerk, but the others have so far all seemed to me to be genuinely good, normal people with normal flaws. Regardless, it always seems to follow a pattern: The relationship is super cutesy for a few months, and then I get a message from her: “Hey. I need to talk to you.” And by this point I already know what’s coming. I’ll call her, and she’ll recount, in detail, a recent fight with her current bf. They usually start with some normal thing, like one partner being snippy or inconsiderate and the other reacting - and then they twist into strange and deeply personal attacks. Her fighting tactics are, IMO, super destructive. She’ll belittle her bf or call him names, feeling completely justified in doing so. Most often, she tries to psychoanalyse him to his face, saying things like: “You know what your problem is? Your problem is xy, you need to get therapy so you can start working on your xy. Call me when you’ve figured that out.” Then when she calls me she’ll present all her evidence that her bf should in fact be diagnosed with xy. On more than one occasion she has accused guys of being *actual psychopaths. In every fight, it’s all about him and how he has failed her because of his serious flaws. When she describes the fights to me, she always seems kind of panicky and freaked out, but still defensive and self-righteous. She will often ask me outright for advice. In the early years, I used to pass along things I had learned from my own relationship (my partner and I have been going strong for 14 years and have learned a LOT about constructive fighting). But slowly I get the feeling that giving advice is stupid - everyone has to learn these things for themselves. So lately, I just try to listen until she calms down. My advice never did seem to help her, anyway. The advice she really wants to hear is: How do I get him to fix himself so he can be worthy of dating me? These conversations with her inevitably become more frequent as the months pass, until it all ends with a venemous, very upsetting breakup, both parties seeing the other as evil and crazy. She never seems to see herself as a contributing factor to these breakups, always blaming his weakness/immaturity/mommy issues/whatever. She seems baffled about her “terrible luck” in finding good guys. For a long time I figured she would get more mature about fighting with age, but that doesn’t seem to be happening. I don’t know how to react anymore. On one hand, I’m kind of tired of being her fight dumpster, and how she handles relationships is her business. On the other hand, I love her, she’s an incredible, compassionate friend, and watching her sabotage her own relationships again and again for no reason, and then suffering, is torture. I want to yell “YOU CANT SAY THAT STUFF TO YOUR BOYFRIEND AND EXPECT THINGS TO LAST. WHY ARE YOU WITH SOMEONE YOU DON’T EVEN RESPECT?” I worry about her. Over the past few years, her messages are increasingly concerning, she says she’s depressed and lonely, she feels her life sucks and that everyone is terrible. She lives in a different city, so I can’t take her out or be there for her in person. So now this is me asking for advice... What would you do?
  3. The boy I loved was halfway accross the world, and he had traveled to a beach. He drank water all day, and when he had enough, he peed my name in the sand. Then he took a picture and mailed it to me. Couldn't have asked for a more romantic letter. Whoa. That's frikkin' beautiful!
  4. I have to agree with Eva, communication is key! You've got to tell him what you need, even if you don't tell him you've been faking. If he's not letting you help yourself while he's with you, you've got to let him know that you want to try it. I'm sure he'll be alright with it as long as you explain that it makes you feel good! If you're not comfortable telling him these things, you are probably up for a long, hard road ahead.....
  5. I've only done it to the end once - and it was so salty, it burned my throat! I felt like it was hard to get down too, because it was so sticky. Spitting doesn't have to be bad, as long as you're discreet about it. He'll probably be so exhausted or blissful at that point that he won't notice anyway. Good luck!
  6. Your post seemed to imply that you liked being spanked, but I'm wondering if there are many female spankers out there (those who enjoy doling out spanks, as opposed to/as well as receiving them).
  7. Any women out there who like to DO the spanking?
  8. I feel for you, jdalpino, I'm in a similar situation, and it's taken me a year to think this through. If you're an affectionate person, and long to allow yourself to be, I don't think it's healthy for you to have to supress it. You shouldn't have to surpress anything about yourself - this is who you are! It's unfortunate that he is not affectionate, and it doesn't make him wrong, but from your testimony it seems that it doesn't feel right to you, either. The "roomate" explanation may be true, but it sounds a little manipulative, if you ask me. He's got the upper hand in this situation, does he not? I think you've got to approach him, directly and truthfully, about how this affects you. Let him know that, despite his reasons, this is hurting you. If he is unwilling to compromise, as you have already been doing, then I think you should seriously consider moving on. How successful can this kind of relationship be in the future? There may be nobody at fault here, but that doesn't change the fact that your needs are incompatible with his.
  9. Just out of curiosity... how does one deal with sex during menstruation? Does one simply abstain for one week every month? Or is it a bloody mess? Do you need towels? Can the blood be enjoyable? Does it make things easier? Thanks! Just wondering!!
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