deedee123

I have had it pretty hard my whole life and when I was younger it was always easiest to make lemonade from the lemons life handed me, but now I have l have forgotten how or just can't do it anymore. I blame myself for alot of my problems and i feel like I always trust too much and make the wrong decisions.I guess at this point my mind and body have had enough and I have decisions to make yet again and I don't know which way to go.Here is my story. I got married when I just turned 16 years old to a guy I thought would never hurt me, he was this average looking guy, he was sweet and a nerd. I was beautiful, I could've gotten any guy I wanted, but I picked him.We had our first child within 2 years of being married, I had complications from toxemia, I was in the hospital for months and i went from 112 lbs to 320 lbs in 9 months. I finally gave birth and our lives seemed so complete,they really did. My daughter was almost 2 years old when my mom went into gastric bypass surgery, something went wrong and she never came home she died there after 3 months of suffering in ICU, my beautiful mother of only 43 years. It was just a few months after this my husband and i decided to go to be near his family, I was having problems with my dad at this time because he moved in a 23 year old girl 3 weeks after the funeral and told his 5 children not to come around if they disagreed and I disagreed so I left. We moved from Florida to minnesota and it was just 8 months later that my husband who i adored just never came home, I was pregnant with our second and it was 3 weeks before christmas.That morning I called his mom worried sick out of my mind of what could've happened to him and she told me like it was nothing "that yeah I know, I told him to leave you". I was crushed, I cried for the first 6 months. We did the divorce uncontested, I had physical custody etc. I then went home to be with my family.At this time as bad a things could be, it was just 3 weeks later my dad died. I didn't speak to him for the year and a half prior because of this girl that he moved in and still have guilt about it.I actually lost my hearing for 3 months after this, the doctors couldn't tell me why, but I figured maybe emotionally, mentally. I tried to go on with my life, I was still pregnant and had to think of my kids. I finally gave birth and moved on until I had to take my new baby girl to get her shots and this is when my real nightmare began, like how could my life get worse right? I rushed my daughter for a brain scan becasue the doctors told me she probably has a brain tumer and again what could be worse right? She actually wound up with lissensephally the doctor told me she would never walk, talk, go to school and that she was gonna die before the age of 2, again I was crushed. I had lost my mom,my family,my husband, my father and now my baby was gonna die. I just kept thinking "it's a lie there is no god and if so he's cruel and i hate him". I then asked my ex mother in law to help me with my sick child, because her insurance was in another state and a doctor here had just killed my mom, like I wanna trust anyone hear and maybe i just didn't want to believe it. My ex mother in law immediately came and got my daughter and asked me if she could take my oldest too. She told me that I needed a break and some time to grieve, I though how wonderful that we can get along and that she was willing to help me. My ex's mom held me off, she talked me into signing over my sick child to her for adoption for medical purposes and that I could still be her mom and make decisions etc. It was just 3 weeks after this that I was to pick up my oldest daughter, when they kidnapped her and brought me in front of a judge for an emergency hearing for temporary custody. They had aledge i abused her,very vague violent environment,even my daughters therapist said there was no abuse, but nothing mattered, even though this judge was blocked from my case and after removed her decision still stood.they now had custody and both my daughters We then went through a 2 year court battle, they had attorneys I didn't, I had no family to help and was getting very ill with kidney problems and even though we lived in florida, minnensota took juristiction so I was stuck traveling. It was the last court date that I went into default and by only 3 hours because of detours in wisconsin, I was in defualt he won. after all the claims that I abused her, my ex admitted i didn't and used the excuse I might kidnap her if I had visits unsupervised. So we got joint with him having physical and I had supervised. From the moment this happened my ex started to move with my daughter, 25 different addresses in 5 different states. He refused any contact between my daughter and I at any time.On 2 different occasions he took my daughter and moved to be with some girl he met online. This last time i found him, I found out the real reason he did this to me, he has himseld and his new"not wife" as he calls her looking to form cults and find other women to join them in practicing polyfidelity or polyamory!!!! I have written 1000's of letters to state official, lawyers (for pro bono) and over 400 emails to my ex begging him to let me even talk to my daughter. I can't even get the police or DHS to do a welfare check on her, nobody cares.Now my daughter is dressing goth and admits that they exposed her to court documents(which we know are the letters they wrote to gain custody)and she mirrors these when she talks and she believes i have been in a mental institution this whole time (I was never institutionalized)and she hates me, she hates me like I am I would say the devil, but she likes him so I guess like as if I were a god. I dunno how else to describe it.In the mean time I have been trying to work with her phychiatrist to let her see the truth and posted documents on myspace as well as emails that were harassing in nature that were sent to me by other poeple in my daughters life.I am now being sued for libel by my ex husbands ex wife who to this day rubs it in my face that my daughter hates me and I even havean email from my daughter where this woman called me a {Mod Edit} and my daughter laughed and said she agrees.This woman works with people for home studies and baker acts people!!!!!! my daughter she laughs at how they treat me and treats me the same. My daughters phychiatrist said she wouldn't agree to custody change cause my daughter has no relationship with me!!!! My daughter is now 15 and claims she will never talk to me or see me again and I am not her mother, she also told me that when she turns 18 she will NEVER see me again. I still live in florida, they are now in wisconsin. I have had close to 50 surgeries for my kidneys and back. I had a real bad accident a few years ago and i a still in recovery, I actually had to learn how to walk again and almost lost my leg. I have no money to fight with an attorney or for travel and nobody cares to help. I am so depressed, part of me wants to fight and the other says screw it why bother the damage is done. I already lost 1 daughter to them and now another. I don't think I ever even have had a moment the grieve over my parents or my babies death. I know that my daughter reads my emails, even though she doesn't respond anymore, but I can't keep talking to air and i dunno what else to say and i don't think I am thinking clearly with all my heart ache to talk to her w/o adding so many feelings. I need some help/advise either way. I am hoping someone reading this can direct me somehow with my feelings, I can't take all the health problems, headaches, 2 packs of tums per day etc. What can I do to make my life and this situation better?dee