Karhu

Day 16. First contact. She knows my routine too well! She just happened to turn up at the salsa club that she knows I always go to every single Monday night, and then said “oh, what a pleasant surprise to bump into you” Actually I knew she was there when I walked into the place and ran into her brother in the rest room. I saw considering slipping out the back without meting her, but then knew that her brother would tell her that I was there, and it’d be strange if i vanished. So I was civilized and made an appearance. She nodded when I came in, but was in the middle of a dance with a guy, so I waited for them to finish their dance to greet properly, but she just went on to chat up the guy for an hour or so. It was a bit strange, but didn’t really bother me as I went on to do my usual dancing as if she wasn’t there. Later we got to dancing together, there was the usual chemistry when we danced, we always get wild together, and do a lot of crazy dance movies. Then the guy from before interrupted (don’t you know it’s polite to wait for people to finish the song) as he was leaving and wanted to give her his phone number. I could see the intentions, with clear body language, flirtatious looks and smiles from both sides. Then she came back, and said that she wanted to learn Spanish, and he was willing to teach her. Sure, I believe your motives… NOT! Well that doesn’t matter if she does it in front of me, as she’s my ex. Although she is a very flirtatious person, which bothered me a bit before, and if she wasn’t interested in me then why was she still flirting with me last night? Anyway, she gave me a lift home (in the spirit of NC I probably should have refused her offer and taken the bus). When we got to my street, we ended out sitting in the cat chatting for an hour, not talking about relationships, or any of the issues, just light hearted joking etc. I know in an unrelated conversation (can’t remember exactly what it was about, but a different context) she said “I couldn’t hurt anyone”, which I replied “at least not intentionally”. I didn’t elaborate on it, but could see in her eyes that she was affected, maybe she’ll go home and have a think about what she’s been doing. Anyway, we mainly had light hearted fun conversation, it was a lot of fun! But that doesn’t change things, if she’s going to not respect me and my beliefs, and also be flirtations with everyone then I don’t want to get involved and would prefer to move on with my life. I only want something that is real and serious. So I’ll be friendly, but I guess I should still be moving on. I am wondering about all this no contact stuff that is so popular in the forums. I think that a lot of our problems came from misunderstandings, so communication through friendship could be beneficial.

I don't know if 30 is a super special magic number. hmm, maybe 365 would be good. She was a nice person, you never know, she could potentially be a good plutonic friend later in life, only after life has totally moved on. But it's best to look forward and not back. What new opportunities are waiting around the corner? Time will tell....

This is my first post in this thread. Hmm, I’m not actively counting days, I guess I’d better check the calendar…. Ok, day 15. I was active in the attraction and flirting forum, then the dating forum, then the relationship forum, then the love forum, then the breaking up forum. So I guess it’s about time to shift into the getting back together forum. I wonder if then the cycle will repeat and I’ll have to move into discussing dating again soon. Such as life, it sometimes moves in circles. Well i didn’t expect I’d ever be joining the NC challenge, but why not, everyone is doing it, it could be fun. I had a great relationship, which ended about a month ago. Quite a story behind it this is my first post here, I don’t know if it’s cheating the challenge, but I’m already half way through it, being the 29th of April the last time of contact, That being the 2 days before we were going to go on a holiday together when she rang me up and said that she was changing the name on my ticket so she could go with a friend instead (we had booked the holidays before the breakup which had happened 2 weeks earlier). So anyway, now I’m 2 weeks into no contact. At first I was eager to try to get her back. Now I’m realizing that she is a bit narrow minded not accepting me and my beliefs (as in the linked thread) so I have decided that I am not interested in having her back unless she respects me and my beliefs. During the time I was seeing her I was thinking about her 24-7, during the breakup period I was also thinking about it a lot, analyzing everything. Now there are days that I don’t even think of her. I’ve been fairly busy with all sorts of things in life, working, doing 8hrs/week dance class, rollerblading, hiking in the woods, BBQ with friends, movie nights with friends etc. my busy lifestyle is more conducive to moving on then to clinging on to the past. And I went on a date last Friday, I’m not interested in perusing this one further, but it’s good to start getting back into dating. I am not going to count days thinking about her and writing all my thoughts about her in the no contact thread. I’m just going to move on with my life, see the truth that I deserve someone that respects me, and she’ll inevitable drift out of my mind over time. I will not occupy my thoughts with someone that is narrow minded. If she changes in the future, becomes less narrow minded and comes back to me then I might possibly consider IF i'm still single. But there is no point in waiting for it. Life moves on.

Mountains flow with living waters bursting to awaken colors. Springtime enshrined with sweet savors of eternal blessings wafted over all things. Remembrance brings back essenses of cherished times; Crystal vision directs the future, embrace it with outstretched arms Spirits are set free to embrace the world, channeling celestial powers of unity.

Thanks janet yes, i can imagine they are the only two real questions. as personality wise and maturity wise we seem to match fairly well. and we can deal with those questions when they come. i know i'd probably ultimatly be ok with going down that path at some stage in life if/when i'm in a suitable steady healthy relationship with the right person, the relationship has stood the test of time, life, finances, personal maturity and all other factors are suitable. i know these are very big things and should be done properly. if you're going to do it you should do it properly. i guess timing is a large issue in these decisions, both people may not be at the same stage at the same time.

PDA can be a sign of ownership. sometimes beautiful girls like to show that they are taken when in public so that they don't get strangers grabbing their butt etc. walking while holding hands is nice. normally the strides match, do people generally prefer to walk in phase(both people step right foot at the same time) or out of phase, (one steps with left while the other steps with the right). I find out of phase is good so that both people swing the arm at the same time. when walking in phase it seems like my x was stronger with her arm swinging as she would end out swinging her arm normally while i would swing mine with her which is opposite to how people normally swing their arm. as a result i learnt to do a little double step to get the feet out of phase so that we can both swing our arms in a natural way.

Water vapor gently drifts, caressed by the crisp evening light Ice is daring you, take the plunge Hart thumping with full strength of the sauna One step after the next, mind preparing Icy water on the toe, cold burning sensations Don't wait. Splash! This came to my mind while walking from the 120deg sauna to a small hole in a frozen lake, water temperature 0.3deg. wow, what an adrenalin rush! my body still doesn't know if it's hot or cold.

- Be careful of where you have sex, and what forms of PDA you show. Children copy EVERYTHING!

silence is sometimes good if followed by a spark in the eyes, then you know a kiss is coming. don't fear the silence, embrace the silence, embrace her!.

It depends on a lot of factors, like if you were the dumper or one being dumped. And also realizing it’s for the best helps a lot. As spunkmaster said, they’ll always be deer to your heart, it’ll just change, become less painful, then you need to stop thinking about them, when you’re totally over someone then it makes it easier to get into the next relationship For me it took about 2 years to fully get over a 4.5 year relationship and to stop thinking about her. Finding someone much better does also help stop yourself from glorifying the past and accept it was for the best. i'd second that comment about stirring up the pot with the ex, any further interaction however temporarily comforting it may be will inevitably slow the healing process.

he obviously needs a lot of space in his life, he's made a decision, you don't know if it's permanent or if he'll change his mind, hasteling him will only make things worse, and reduce the chances he'll change his mind. you've already shown him you're needy with the couple of months of messaging. the best thing you can do is move on with your life, get into some fun hobbies, take care of yourself, do some exercise, see friends etc. this will make you feel a lot better, start the painfull process of moving on, increase chances of meeting someone new, and if your life is in order you'll also seem a lot less needy and more attractive, and so could possibly also increase his chances of changing his mind, but don't rely on it.

How can I subtly find out if this is on her secret agenda? maybe she doesn't want kids at all, maybe she doesn't mind waiting, but how can a guy know? I don’t want to bring it up directly in a conversation, it'd be inappropriate after only a month of dating. If anything that would make it look like I was thinking along those lines. But I want to be aware of what she’s thinking, and if she has some hidden expectations, and if she’ll suddenly start putting on some pressure in a year or two, and what her expected time frame would be. I don’t like surprises, so I like to know exactly what I’m getting into when starting to date a woman, but that’s just a topic you don’t talk about at this stage.

social interactions is a important aspect in chosing where you work, you spend half your waking time at work, so you might aswell enjoy it, do something you enjoy and enjoy the company of your colleagues. you getting allong with the colleagues is also a big pluss in the bosses eyes as you'll be seen as a real team player etc. when getting a job it's not just them interviewing you, but also you evaluating them. internships privide a great insight into their work ethics and environment so you know what you're getitng into.

yep, sorry to say, but he probably doesn't have that strong feelings for you. i'd move on and find another guy that is mature enough to communicate about relationship problems.

How many people spend a couple of weeks of sleeping in the same bed without sex, just cuddling and kissing and talking? how long did this period last for(naturally depends on the speed of progression of physical aspect of relationships)?

She has a cat that she adores (cat lovers are also often more affectionate people). People often say that pets are substitutes for children. But then we’ve only been serious for a month or so, so it’s WAY too early to be talking about any of these topics (she’s also very socially aware of when it’s good to bring up topics) so I wonder if she’ll start making hints in that direction after a year or two. I can see she would be an excellent mother at one stage, vary caring, considerate, and always aware of how her actions and body language would affect others, and influences on children’s upbringings etc. All I know is that it’s not right to bring children into this world till there is a healthy functioning family unit where the child can get support and a good upbringing. Children are very observant of the world around them, and deeds speak louder than words, they learn by watching, so it’s best if people are the perfect example. It takes at least few years to truly see if a relationship is going to work out in the long run through thick and thin, so on a relationship basis I think there is a certain amount of time needed before any big commitment. Also on a personal basis it takes time to get your life to a certain stage. So I can’t imagine bringing a life into this world for several years. I have no idea what her perception is about children is, as after a month it’s way too early to talk about these topics, but I’m aware that for a woman that age it might be on the agenda, and am aware that her time frame might be totally different from my ideas. I wish I knew how she will react in the future, Now where’s my crystal ball?

i think it happens naturally at some point. when you get closer together, start sharing your feelings that you are exclusive, and that you are serious about each other, and want to put in the effort to make this work as long as it takes. you lose count of how many times you've been going out (this is our 15th date, or is it our 16th?), it is no longer a question of ringing up and asking “will you come on a dayte” it is assumed that you will see each other twice a week or so, each time you see each other you make tentative plans for the next time you see each other. Naturally everyone defines their definition of what they call dating/seeing someone/bf/gf etc. For me it’s normally around 1-2 months (6-12 dates/hangout). If I don't pmatch with someone I’ll know normally on the first date, and definitely by the 3rd/4th. Personally I’m fairly selective, and 95% of the woman don’t get past 3rd-4th date, if someone does then I must see them as having some relationship potential.

Yes, these are very much generalizations. I was actually interested in what are the most common factors that affect most people in age gap relationships. And how they affect people in general. If there are any aspects that one should be warey of in the future etc. I was planning on keeping this thread general, but Missklew and Jeffrey seem interested in my personal specifics, so here they are: we have a 9 year difference. I know everyone in this forum say that 9 years is negligible, hence I’m not considering breaking up with her on the basis of that factor. I’m just interested in getting the heads up on factors/issues that might come up if I get into a serious relationship with her. I know I’m also more mature for my age, she guessed i was much older because I’ve done so much in my life. I also have a very mature outlook on life, high level of morality and integrity, past the whole casual fling stuff a lot of people my age are into. On the other side she’s 34. i only found out her age last weekend after a month of dating, I had previously found it hard to guess her age as she’s full of energy, zipping around from one thing to another, good fit body (with a nice * * * ), doing silly things like dancing and spinning around in her socks in my living room. She also gets paid as a OT to bring out creativity in children, so she spends her afternoons playing aero planes with 5yo children, maybe that helps keep her silly youthful streak. I also couldn’t pick her age, as she was hot and youthful, i guessed she was much younger then she really is

I know the real factor is if the two people click. In the end two people the same age might or might not work out together, and people of different ages might or might not work out together. What are the long term factors that should be considered, beyond the initial click, honeymoon period etc. i'm trying to make a list of all the positive and negative factors from the age difference that apply on top of the usual relationship factors. Pro: -She can hold a decent intellectual conversation -More experience (in bed and else ware) -Some older woman are hot! -Straightforward, none of the stupid dating games eg, “let’s play hard to get” -They know what they want -More independent, in control of her life -Woman reach their sexual peak later in life, here’s your smoldering temptress Cons -Possibly at a different stage in life now. Or maybe at the same stage now, but later will be at a different stage -The biological clock is ticking, the question of marriage and/or children might come up sooner than expected -When I get to 50, she’ll be …. Eeek! no more fun with an old granny -I’ll be the last one standing, meaning I’ll possibly be alone in my retirement years -She's already have formed a lot of their views on life, and may be more stubborn/reluctant to look at new ways of doing things -people often need more sleep as they age, causing a discrepancy in the sleep requirements What other factors are there? How serious are they? How does the relationship change over time? are there different stages in a age gap relationship? Eg when a guy in 20’s dating a woman in 30’s there will be some issues, Then a guy in 30’s dating woman in 40’s will be different, and a guy in 50’s dating a woman in 60’s will face different relationship issues. I guess in the 30’s the biological clock is a bigger issue, and in the 60’s the larger issues would be related to the aging process hitting one partner before the other.

i once dated a girl on anti depressants (can’t remember which brand it was), yes, it totally kills the sex drive, makes it much harder at the start of a relationship when you’re with someone that couldn’t care less about it. Maybe the drugs shouldn’t be called antidepressants, but more anti-emotion. It levels out someone’s emotional ups and downs to one flat line, sure, they can’t go into the ultra low states of depression, but then they also somehow can’t feel happiness to the same extent. So instead of getting the usual fantastic relationship honeymoon period, the highs off love, the joys of laughter, all there is left is the constant so-so feeling.

My most successfull pickup line is "Hello" or "Hi" with some eye contact and a little smile. it works nearly every time.

Yes, it is a numbers game. Just not only calling, there is a lot more to the process than simply calling someone. If a stranger called you out of the blue would you go out with them? If is seems like you’re just a desperate guy that calls every single girl in the school then you’ll get shot down a lot more. If they think you’re not really interested in get and just want some action etc, then you won’t get that far. You need to build her interest in you, this is done by showing your good side all the time, and subtly showing your interest in her. when you’re with one girl you need to make it seem like she’s the centre of your world, use body language, eye contact, turning your body and knees towards her, arms uncrossed, listening intently to everything she says, not even noticing anyone else in the room etc. you can do this with a couple of girls separately, but just not at the same time in the same place. People will more likely go out with you if they think you are into them, as even if they are not totally sure about their feelings they’ll give it a go if you seem nice and interested. Showing your interest in someone through body language often also builds their interest in you. Once you’ve built mutual interest which is visible through body language then calling and asking people out will be a lot more successful. You can also casually ask people in person just as easily. (unless you feel restricted and forced into the old fashioned dating etiquette)

The OP wanted to know if being able to dance improves one's chances of being successful with women. It seems the answer is no, because dancing won't make you more likely to find the right woman, nor will it improve your chances of getting together with one. Sure you could find a good person at a dance place as much as you could meet a good person anywhere, but being able to dance has almost nothing to do with meeting that type of person. My experiences would beg to differ. As I’ve met what I think is the right SO at a salsa dance night. Dancing will give you more opportunities to meet more woman, the same as taking up any other hobby. Being a good dancer will mean that you’ll meet a lot more people. Some being good and some being not so good match. Did you read the thread?? Most of the people here posted that a guy that could dance increased his attractiveness in some way, gave him brownie points for trying, broke the ice, caused some sort of positive response. I won’t bother quoting them all in this post, but you can look at the posts from reluctant rebuilder, Dako, Need2bme, rockin n rollin, equinox, boughs, charley, aurian, syrix, mandoro, barbarella, ghost69, cara223, latestcraze. i.e. nearly all the posts in this thread have either directly said or implied that dancing improves a guys chances with a woman. Naturally you need a compleate act for “getting together with one”, so after getting attention with dancing you should be able to follow it up with some intelegent conversation. There are good and bad people everywhere you go. Nice woman go dancing because they enjoy it, stuffed up people go to the grocery store because they have to eat. there is no black and white line separating where people go. thereforeeee each person you meet anywhere in life could potentially be “right” for you, or they could be “not right” for you. The only way you’ll ever find out is by meeting them. You can’t make an assumption that “Mrs right” will NEVER be in the dance place. And as nearly all the posts in this thread have said, being able to dance helps meeting more people and giving a good positive first impression, hence improving your chances. think of it as in statistics, if you sit at home on your couch, or just socialize with a limited group of friends then you’ll rarely meet new people, so how is the right person going to be able to get into your life? Knock on your door while you’re watching TV and say here I am? Getting active dancing or doing any other hobbies that involve meeting lots and lots of people will statistically work in your advantage, next thing you’re meeting 20 new interesting people every night (and giving them a good first impression). Hence even if 1% of these people might be appropriate for you, then you’ll come accross them much faster than not being active meeting people.

what type of dance place are you talking about? the words "dance place" could mean a lot of things. as i said the techno clubs around town have quite different types of people than the type of people you meet in a salsa class/salsa party etc. if a place is purely a pickup joint and nothing more then you'll probably only find pickup girls. while if it has some more class and people are going there because they simply enjoy dancing then you're going to find people that are going to be into dancing. don't just go to a place because there are lots of girls. firstly work out what type of girl are you looking for? what is her personality like? what hobbies is your dream girl most likely going to enjoy? are you also interested in any of these hobbies? is there a local club etc? then just being friendly with everyone you meet you'll build confidence and eventually meet someone you are interested in. you could meet them anywhere, you're just improving your chances by being in places that they would likelly enjoy being, and by being open and friendly to everyone.