Hi,
I've got a problem (who hasn't?!) I've been reading some related posts here for a couple of hours now, but have decided to register and post for myself because I think I need some specific advice.
The background is, of course, a very VERY long story - but I'll try to keep it brief...
I'm a 25 year old guy. I've been with my girlfriend for about two and a half years. I like to experiment - that's the type of personality I have. Take the phrase "sex, drugs & rock 'n' roll"...
Part 2, drugs
Back in the days when I was at university I enjoyed alcohol in that way which students often do, I used cannabis on and off, and I tried a few 'legal highs' which had mild hallucenogenic effects. The legal highs were just pathetic but I'm both glad and proud to have found that out for myself, the cannabis was a lot of fun, but it came with plenty of downsides too so after a short while I stopped using it. It's been over three years since I've touched anything of the like. I've experimented enough, had my own experiences and now my curiosity is satisfied.
Part 3, rock 'n' roll
During my teens I had very eclectic music tastes. Looking back, some of it was god-awful rubbish, some of it was so good to anyone's ears that it got labeled 'mainstream' and some of it sounded great to me while my friends didn't really see the appeal. These days there's only a small handful of bands that I listen to regularly and my music taste is very unique to me - but it took a lot of experimenting to whittle those hundreds of bands down to the handful of sounds and stylings that I enjoy today.
What I'm getting at is - I experiment first, then settle into a pattern that I can relate to and appreciate in terms of a broader field of experience. I believe I need (and probably we all need) "a frame of reference" to truly enjoy something.
You'll have noticed that I skipped over 'Part 1, sex' ...
Soon after puberty I noticed some things that made me terribly uncomfortable with my body, I wont go into details to save time and embarrasment, suffice to say that I was ashamed of what was hidden beneth my clothes, this lead to a fear of any physical contact, and the whole situation was not sorted out until my early twenties and it took both surgery and a long-term course of medication!
From the age of about 15 to 21 I had to watch all of my friends flirting, kissing, dating, and having lots of casual sex (obviously I didn't literally have to watch them having sex!!!) Meanwhile, I would sit in the corner at parties thinking up new excuses to turn down the advances of the sexy young girls that seemed to surround me.
I was 23 years old before I finally gained any confidence in my adult body. Around this time there were four or five young women, ranging from about 17 to 25 that seemed interested in me and would engage in flirting, and what's more there was one in particular that I was espically fond of - a smart, sexy and cheery 22 year old. I plucked up the courage to ask her out on a date - she accepted, we went out and had a wonderful time. We went on a second date and then a third. When we had been going out for about three weeks we slept together and that was the night I lost my virginity. At 23 years old! Naturally, I was on top of the world. Such a weight off my shoulders! I had been surprised (plesently surprised) to find she was quite adventerous in the bedroom. She wanted to set up distinct ground rules for a plethora of sexual activities that were permitted and define just a few activities that were not. She wanted to set up safty words. I was inexperienced and out of my depth so without making a point of it we just had simple, regular sex. She mentioned to me some of her pervious sexual conquests... she lost her virginity at 15 years old, she'd had several sexual partners - some just casual sex and some in meaningful relationships, she'd tried more positions and sex acts than I knew of, she'd had threesomes - both types i.e. two girls and one guy and also herself and two guys. I kept it quiet at this early stage in our relationship but I was shocked and nausious to think that my girlfriend had, in the past, had sex with two guys at once - I struggled to not picture it and always felt wretched when I did.
Well, anyway, time moved on and we got closer. We started declaring our love for each other and now two and a half years on we're still together. We've been entirely faithful to each other all the way, and I happy to say that I'm now just as adventerous as her in the bedroom.
Wow - when I started this post I said I'd keep it brief. Sorry! Stay with me, we're almost there!...
I love my girlfriend and she loves me. One day I intend to marry her. But even though we're now equally sexually adventerous I feel something is missing. She is the only person I have ever had any sexual experience with! I don't know the exact number but I'm quite sure that her past sexual partners number in the double figures. If I were a perfect saint then this imbalance wouldn't bother me, but nobody's perfect and it does bother me! And besides, even if I were the first and only person that she had ever slept with I would still have a massive problem... my personality type requires that I experiment, get a frame of reference, and then settle down to soemthing that I can be confident is the right thing for me.
I'm 25, and I'll turn 26 later this year. That's leaving it really quite late to go getting my Teenage Kicks, and I'm not gonna get any younger! But it is somethig I need to do.
With my 20-20 hindsight I can see that back when I got my sexual confidence and there were four or five interested parties, I should have had casual sex with one or two of the others and then persued the one that I felt an emotional bond with.
So...
Sleep around? Have a few one-night-stands behind her back?
NO! I cannot do it. I love and respect her to much and I could never hurt her.
Break up with her? Go sew my wild oats for a few months?
If you think that then you haven't understood the part where I said I love her and one day intend to marry her. I intend to be with her from now until death-do-us-part.
Ignore the problem and hope it goes away?
Nope! Not healthy. I've only got one life to to live and on a cosmic sacle it's just a flash in the pan. A bat of an eyelid. I intend to cram it full of rich and varied experiences - that's just who I am. I need to do that.
That, I believe, only leaves me with one option
Talk to her about the idea of an open relationship. Eeeek!
Now this is where I need the help. I don't think either of us would like the idea of the other sleeping with some stranger, we're not what you'd call 'natural' swingers! But, we're fairly adventureous and open to new things in the beedroom - and it would allow me to lift this heavy and wretched burden. But I'm too proud to tell her about my problem and too frightened that asking this of her could ruin our relationship - a previous boyfriend once cheated on her and it's left some lasting emotional damage... I'm concerned that this'll only dredge up those feelings in her and she won't be able to get past it. I feel so boxed in!!!
Please help,
Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
M
p.s. Sorry this post is so damn long! Thanks for reading it!