savoie
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Everything posted by savoie
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"Do you think it was wrong to ask him to meet up?" no. how do you feel about his response? edited to add: i see that you are worried he doesn't want to see you anymore. i know that i have asked you this numerous times - but are you happy? does it matter if he wants to see you? the bigger question is how long can you wait?
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"But I am trying to trurst that he is not doing this in order to hurt me or to make me feel bad. I am trying to think that he is genuinly focusing on solving his problem = interviews, looking for a new job and I guess I could have been more understanding during this time." I don't think most people want to hurt anyone. I think that you need to understand that regardless of what his intentions are - if he is ending things between you - I doubt that he wants to hurt you. But I also think that he is unable to be there for you and that is HIS CHOICE. He is choosing to handle things this way and you are extremely unhappy with him withdrawing from you. you can spend all day asking what came first the chicken or the egg - but at the end of the day - are you happy? is he happy? what is left of your relationship? i agree with the posters who have suggested that you need take some control in your life back. you seem to eat, sleep and breath this man - and, at the moment, he is giving little satisfaction to you. if it were me - i would tell him that you understand his inability to be part of a relationship right now and while you wish things were different you, too, need to focus on other things. i would also tell him that when or if he is ready to work on things between you - you will be there for a period of time. let him know that you care very much for him and that you feel this is for the best for you both since your existing relationship is of little support and more of drain. i realize you may not be ready to take this step - but you really need to start taking responsibility for your own emotions. it is easy to put all of your misery on him - as his fault - but the longer this goes on it - really becomes your choice to stay in a loveless relationship. don't hold on to the past and don't think about what the future MIGHT hold. look at what you have right now with him.....and it doesn't sound like much fun to me.
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i am sorry that you are in this place. but it seems that his doubts about your relationship are very clear. he is no longer saying that his unhappiness is due to work related pressures. he told you that he is unhappy with "the way things are" and that "he feels the best thing is to leave". think about it this way - if you expressed those same words to him - how would you expect him to respond? do you think that he is saying those things and acting this way to get you to change or try harder?.....or do you think that he is trying to gently tell you that this relationship has gone its course? i don't know what to tell you.........if it were me i would ask him if there is anything that i can do to help bring back his happiness with me and our relationship......is there something we can work on together. if his response is doubtful - i think that it is time for you to accept his position and let go. if his response is encouraging - then work on things together. it is clear that neither of you are bringing happiness to the other - right now. if you are strong enough - maybe you can lead by example and his actions will soon follow. hard to tell though. i also think it is alot to ask of yourself - you have been miserable for many weeks now. you just need to decide how much longer you will let things hang. but at some point - you hopefully will have a discussion about what both of you honestly want - once and for all.
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blackjack - well i am certainly no expert on either situation. but it isn't easy when imbalances come in to play. yes they can be treated with meds - but it can take a while to find the right meds - and not everyone wants to take them......potential for side effects too. i am a firm believer that what you see is what you get and hoping someone will change will always lead you to disappointment. if you can accept her as she is - that is one thing. but if you are hoping for something else - let her go. she likely runs - because it is a preemptive strike. most people can't deal with a rollercoaster ride and she knows it. very sad really.
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i agree too ladybugg. but she is not ready to give up. i agree that he is behaving totally insensitively. but i don't know the entire story either. it is possible that he is extemely stressed for work related reasons as she has mentioned. that combined with a long distance relationship and the OP emotionally clinging to him could be pushing him further - he is maxed - can't take anymore. neither can she. it is all very sad if they really do want each other. i have said it before, but i do question their compatibility where working through problems is concerned. they seem to have two entirely different EXTREME approaches. He very much withdraws and she very much clings and gets emotional. polar opposites. so - if the OP is not ready to leave the relationship - i suggest that she chill out while she is with him this weekend. (not saying that i could do it) but perhaps she needs to learn to be less emotional.......i don't know - only she knows. but i do agree that she needs to be herself. pretending to be something she isn't - is not going to help them in the long run. good luck this weekend. i hope you can reach a level of peace with this one way or another.
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i understand your frustration.....and this is easier said than done.....but if i were in your shoes, i would rather give to him 100% of my supportive self right now when he has asked for it as opposed to giving him exactly what he doesn't want and feel like i pushed him away. even if the relationship ends, you will know you gave him what he asked for - time and understanding. if the relationship ends - it will still hurt - but you won't have as many questions in your mind. so ask yourself, if this relationship ends then what will give me the peace i need to move on? what will eliminate the what if's in my mind? as long as you are trying to improve your relationship, try not to operate from your ego. egotistical actions are motivated by fear and anger not love. you are trying to protect yourself - but from what? from the future? from the present? why? because he is stressed? because he seems different? how many miles are between you? if you no longer trust him - you need to think hard about that. i am not suggesting that this relationship is doomed. but it seems to me that you might want to consider a time limit on how long you will continue on this one way street. you are beginning to resent him - which is normal considering how tied up your emotions are with his behavior. a time limit need not be expressed to him -but when you sense you can't take it anymore - then make a decision that is right for you.....don't force him to make it for you. i hope that you are able to have a good time together this weekend. but try to let your heart and mind really see and accept the reality of the situation. he may love you very much but work has him highly distracted. it may also be that he is ready to move on.
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i want to preface what i am about to say that i absolutely hate it when people use their hormones as an excuse for their behavior - because people abuse that excuse. however, there are many men and women who are severly impacted by hormonal imbalances. men0pause can be emotionally and physically draining for all parties involved. if she is severly hormonally imbalanced - she can go from mania to tears and from anger to remorse in a matter of minutes. physically she can feel hot to the point she wants to peel every layer of clothing off of her and feel like jumping out of her skin the next. i am no where near her age - but i have observed men0pause in many women. the worst part about it is they really don't have a good handle on how to properly treat it. different women respond differently to various meds........and many treatments have even worse side effects. combine that with attempting to quit smoking.......OY! while smoking is a terrible and unhealthy habit - it actually stimulates dopamine production - which gives one a feeling of well being. quitting will probably exagerate her behavior - for a while anyway. i understand your frustration. she likely is a good person - when she isn't on her emotional rollercoaster. she probably hates it more than you do. are you aware of any other underlying medical problems with her - like bipolar disorder? that complicates things even more.
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i did notice that hope75. i wasn't addressing you as a poster. i felt a slant throughout this thread so i finally had to say something - primarily because she has admitted to abusing him. they both are abusive and they both are victims. i would guess that the cycle of abuse probably began for both of them in childhood by an emotionally and/or physically abusive parent - who could be male or female. i think understanding that women are just as likely to abuse will help to solve the problem. it is heartwrenching - so many children suffer - and grow to be abusers themselves. stop the cycle! take responsibility for your behavior!
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this is slightly off topic and while i am female - i find it offensive to make this a gender issue. women and men both abuse verbally and physically.
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i just want to say one more thing. so many women cry victim in situations that they contribute to. i commend you for owning your responsibility to the abuse between you. but that does not mean that you are responsible for his actions......only your own. take the time to get to know your feelings. why you react with anger the way you do - throwing glasses, provoking, etc. but don't carry the entire weight of this failed relationship - what he did was totally unacceptable.
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i am in agreement with hope75. additionally - using alcohol as yet another excuse for what he or you did is just another attempt on your part to justify very very bad behavior. seriously - take time off from dating. find out why you abuse and tolerate abusive behavior. i imagine that the two of you likely say horrible things to each other as well. end this cycle......get some help for your anger problems. you will be a happier person in the end.
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"i believe if a woman does something to a man, she deserves the same back" the only time i ever condone a man or a woman reacting with more violence is in self defense - to protect from further injury or harm. it seems to me you are rationalizing his behavior. your relationship with him sounds very unhealthy. he doesn't respect you and you both have anger issues. there may be passion between you but this is not the way love and respect feels. you both have crossed a dangerous line - you seem to bring out the worst in each other. move on.......and work on your anger.
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i just read a few of your previous posts. i think the advice that wandering sword gave you is the right thing to do.
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both of you behaved very badly. but if the situation occurred as you described it - he reacted in way that could send him to jail. what he did to you was assault. i am not condoning your inappropriate behavior whatsoever - but this man does not respect you. this will only get worse. i am sorry that you are struggling - can you talk with a professional about why you feel this man is so great?
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i don't think NC is a dumpee vs dumper issue. NC is about moving past the ending of a love relationship that you are in denial about or can't let go of. for some people, NC is the healthiest thing to do for their own sanity and for the well being of the other party. some people can get rather scary when in desperate situatons. if you feel you are to blame for the break up - then only you know what your chances are with your ex. however, if you are trying to manipulate your ex into believing that he or she didn't "see the real you" "i wasn't myself" blah blah blah - it won't be long before you are where you are right now - that is if he or she buys into it at all. if you feel you took things for granted and neglected him or her - then acknowledge that to him or her - tell them how you feel. Listen to what they say......hushup and listen - really listen. if it is clear that it is over for them -then no more contact. if they leave the door open - then proceed with respect for yourself and for them. but be prepared to prove through consistent actions on your part - that you can be a better partner. some people simply do not respect the decisions of others. rejection hurts - none of us want to be in this place. but you have to be 100% honest with yourself - did the relationship end over something trivial? or was it imcompatibility - which is a fundamental problem. are you just clinging to strings of hope or does that other person miss you in the same way?
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Why do I feel ... "weird"
savoie replied to Wandering_Sword's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
well your last response tells me that it wouldn't bother you to respond to her email. you will get mixed advice here and it is all good. you know what you can handle emotionally at this point so do what you feel is right. but check your motives before you do it......if your intentions are consistent with the reality of the situation then your actions will lead you to the right result. -
Why do I feel ... "weird"
savoie replied to Wandering_Sword's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
i am certainly no expert on what is right and what is wrong in matters of the heart. everyone is different. she hurt you and you are still hurting from your breakup - that is clear. i think you need to really weigh it out and do what will be best for you in the end. what will be harder on you - not responding or responding? will you forever wonder "what if" if you don't? i am not suggesting that her email is reason for you to respond........i would expect more of an effort on her part........but you have to make that decision. if you do respond and she continues to visit your blog but nothing more comes of it - how will you feel? weigh it out - do what is best for you. but i would either not respond or respond with a why. -
Why do I feel ... "weird"
savoie replied to Wandering_Sword's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
i was under the impression that you raised this issue and were thinking of moving your blog BECAUSE she was viewing it daily and it bothered you. so - in response to that - i don't think your feelings have changed - you don't really want her going to your blog. i get the feeling it isn't so much she visits your site - it's the fact that you check IP addresses and it bothers you knowing that she visits and frequently. you really don't have control over whether she visits your blog or not. if she really wants to find it she will. if it were me and i was overanalyzing why an ex was doing this - i would do nothing. you really have nothing to gain from it all. if i felt compelled to respond i would ask "why?". nothing more. she may respond to this - so you have to be prepared to open up a discussion and that will set you back big time. do you think she wants something with you again? do you feel this is her way of making contact with you? if that is the case - is that enough based on her actions in the past? -
i haven't replied in a while but i have been following your posts. i don't want to give you advice because everyone is different and ultimately you have to make a decision for yourself. BUT - this is the way i see it. he wants space. he only says that this space is work related. you have been posting for a long time now and your frustration and sadness with respect the situation have not changed. the situation with his behavior has not changed. he knows that you are deeply hurt and, while it may be unreasonable, he doesn't understand why you are making this about you. yes, you are in a relationship. i would be hurt if my loved one was treating me this way - but he has said repeatedly that he doesn't have the time or the energy to deal with your emotions. the reality is that you both are pushing each other away. it may be unintentional on both your parts - but that is what is happening. why? it may be incompatibility. you deal with stress entirely differently. you really need to look at the way he withdraws in times of pressure and decide FOR YOU if this is someone who can really make you happy. life is full of difficult moments and it doesn't seem like you handle stress in the same manner. you need to talk and cling.........he withdraws. you can't satisfy each other with those two opposing responses. it just isn't compatible. at the end of the day - what really makes a couple right for each other is the way the resolve their differences. you have to ask yourself and be totally honest if you really see the other changing all that much it this regard. i know this is painful for you - and i am sorry for that. i am sure you share wonderful memories with this man. but you really need look at the situation the way it is RIGHT NOW and ask yourself.......am i satisfied? can i give him what he wants and be content at the same time? can he do the same in return? the HONEST answers to these questions will lead you to your decision. you need to make one - at some point - when you are ready. life is too short to live in this kind of contempt. we get one shot - this is not a dress rehearsal. if someone isn't healthy for you - at any point in a relationship - give it a chance to correct and if it doesn't happen relatively soon......move on.
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thank you for your kind words bacci. you are right - i am sure that he is going through his own process. it always amazes me when i see men suffering from a split - because my exes don't allow me to see it - that is if it happens at all. i do know that both of us need to grow in order to be together. i need to be more tolerant and he needs to do certain things too. i have no idea what will happen - but something last night - it seemed like he couldn't leave fast enough - in a hurry. felt very weird - i almost called him and asked him why. im ok if it is time to let go. i really thought there was more between us. but, like i said before, his actions say nothing about him coming back to me. i wish things were different - but that is the reality as i see it.
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thank you for the kind words sheva. i suppose the reality will hit me in a few days or maybe in a week. i am ok tonight - especially after all of the ice cream - chocolate covered almond vanilla. but i get many conflicted vibes from him. but you know what - he has not suggested hanging out, he has not suggested getting back together, his actions have not said that he wants ANYTHING from me. it is only my gut that tells me otherwise. even if it is there for me - he is working hard at hiding it from me. that says alot. i can't continue to analyze my gut feelings. it is what it is - and he is not pursuing me. sucks. how are you? are you spinning from the conversation with your ex? i hope you are doing better tonight - and good for you treating yourself this week to flowers and a massage. i think i will do the same in a few days. going to bed but thank you again. will chat with you again soon.
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"Angels fly because they take themselves lightly" can i fly if i am eating a pint of haagen-daz? oy - i hope that you are doing better shiva. i am ok - but it has been a strange day. he called early evening - up in mood and finished the documents that i need. since he was going to be dropping them by tonight - i said to ring me so that we could at least say hello. ( i had given him the option to come by during the day while i was i work) anyway - when i answered the door - i could see that his car was running - with the lights on. i was going to at least invite him in for a beer or glass of wine.......but it was apparent he hadn't intended on staying. we chatted a few minutes outside - had a hug - he went on his way. so i guess that was it. i am thinking to myself i may never hear from him again. something tells me that he will call - but at the same time - wait - "another scoop of ice cream" - i think if he was going to make an effort towards me and for us he would have engaged with me tonight. sigh. i am a true believer of what is meant to be is meant to be - i know that there is something else out there if he isn't the person i am destined to be with. but i can't help but wonder - what if we let that person go? "another scoop" nothing ice cream can't solve!
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well - he called tonight and promised to have the documents to me tomorrow. we chatted a bit too. as always, he seems to show an interest - as he always asks how things are with me. i know that he means it. i feel kind of bad - holding onto the same expectations of him - and getting disappointed. in the scheme of things, in this life where we must embrace everything good because it could be gone tomorrow - why do i let such petty things get to me? why do i put the focus on something like that - instead of thinking about how i can spend my next visit with my 87yo grandmother? i seriously need to change my way of thinking. yeah - i know i am going through a breakup and that sucks - but the reality in my relationship is that he really is a very good guy. he just does thing differently than i do. i need to learn to be more tolerant, patient and kick myself in the butt when i find myself getting annoyed by people. who am i to judge?????? why do some people bug me so much????? i am far from perfect.........i would probably bug myself if there were two of me.
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oh no - i finished school long ago.......i left boulder a couple of times since i graduated - BA in Psych. i am now working for a law firm recent career change from sales and marketing.......so the psych degree comes in handy.. house sounds like a funny show - but i have never heard of it! i am seriously starting to fade....and i am two hours behind you! thank you for the conversation tonight - i must be up at 6am....so to bed i go. hope to chat with you again soon! oh - i did read your initial posts - i am so sorry for the pain this VERY GROWN MAN has caused you. i hope that you can get past this - but i do know that it will take time. i hope that you put yourself first right now - you have alot on your plate.......lets do something nice for ourselves this week! whether it is a breath of fresh air, some fresh spring flowers, a pedicure, a bubble bath, massage......you get the picture. you are a beautiful woman - and seem very genuine - you deserve the same. im glad the music man is a no go. it is only my opinion but he sounded like trouble to me. ok - have a wonderful evening........stay warm in spite of all the snow......and hope to chat with you again soon. thanks for all the kind words this weekend! ciao lapi!!??
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i am sorry that your mom and you are going through this - she is so lucky to have you there. familial support is so important to illness. living in NY i imagine that she has access to cutting edge treatment. that too makes a tremendous difference. but chemo is tough - no matter how you look at it and, oh dear - a year of it. i send many prayers and positive energy your way. how cool what you do for work. i so admire the ballet. i like your sense of humor - i am totally guessing but i bet that Balanchine's Sonnanbula has something to do with sleep!???!! i live in boulder colorado. love it - came here for school........but will eventually return to northern cal where i am from. probably in the next couple of years. i could easily google park slope - you seem cool and hip - so i am sure that it is but i have never heard of it before. by the way - what did you decide to do about the music man? edited to add that i just googled park slope and it showed a picture..........how cool! not far from the city - but cool brownstone neighborhoods.......love it!
