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Kalika

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Kalika last won the day on April 24 2007

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About Kalika

  • Birthday 03/01/1980

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  1. Yes, I think there is. I would let them know that you are aware your performance has been lacking this semester. Let them know that you were dealing with some extremely stressful personal and financial family issues, but that it is resolved now and moving forward, you will do x, y, and z to make sure it doesn't happen again or that you will stay on top of everything. Make sure you explain what you learned from the scenario/your plan to make sure it changes going forward. Let them know you are always open to feedback as well. Good luck!
  2. It sounds like she wants you to fix this problem, but it's honestly not your problem. I'm saying this as someone who was a single parent for many years. If you're not ready to move in with her, don't do it. It sounds like she needs to step up and find a place to live and you should in no way rush moving in with her just to "save" her. If she's threatening to end the relationship over it, then so be it. You'll spare yourself a huge problem.
  3. I didn't see this as belittling him into trusting me. It's just the fact of how I am. I'm a pretty straight shooter and I'm very honest with him, this is what I pointed out to him, and he knows it's always been true. If I say I'm going to do something, I do it. If I have no intentions of doing something, I'll let you know that too, even if you don't want to hear that. If I had no intentions of quitting weed forever, I would tell him this, and in fact this is what I said to him. Eventually I will probably smoke pot again, but not now and not for a while. It may be a few years even before I pick it up again, who knows. But I do not say never. He was OK with this as he doesn't want to quit forever either. Also, I truly mean I am not an addictive personality. Years ago (as a teenager) I used to smoke cigarettes but when I wanted to quit, I just did, and never had any issues doing so. I also don't drink coffee or have any caffeine addictions just to function every day, as many people do. As far as nagging him goes, I don't usually have to nag him about daily things or household things. It's not that common for me to have to nag him, or I would say it just doesn't need to happen that often or for many things. He does dishes and laundry or other household things without me having to say anything at all. But sometimes with certain things (like the prenup - mostly things that he has to actually take extensive time to deal with outside of his business) he gets anxious or stressed out and procrastinates. He'll sometimes procrastinate having difficult conversations with clients, I have noticed this and talked to him about it. It also came up in counseling because I felt that he had procrastinated and forced me to push him to get the prenup done, which he then got pissed off at me about. We talked about this yesterday in our session and will discuss it in more detail in our next one. Truthfully, I'm just not at the point where I'm ready to cancel the wedding and I'm feeling pretty hopeful about things. I think if we have a good counselor we can make a lot of progress. Everyone who knows us personally knows there is a tremendous amount of love between us and even with difficulties over the years, we have never completely given up on each other, and neither of us have intentions at this point of completely walking away, or at least the thought is a very painful and difficult one for both of us. We met with the counselor last night and she was terrific. Within the appointment she hit the nail on the head for several things about both of us. She got to understand my very complicated childhood and background and why I am a prenup type of person, and also talked about how previous business failures also impacted my fiance and why he gets tunnel vision about his business and finances to the detriment of other things. She was very good at reading between the lines with what we were saying. It was a great start and we both left the appointment feeling like she could really help us. We are also very close to having the prenup finalized and have put in a few questions to my attorney; hopefully once he answers them, we can just get it done and signed, or modified quickly if needed.
  4. Again, you keep assuming I have only my house and no other assets. I don't know why you are assuming this just because I didn't go online and blast my finances to everyone. Bottom line is, you are assuming things and you are completely wrong. Nor does it mean that I'm marrying him only because of the $15K, which is completely ridiculous. Obviously there is a lot of love between us or else we wouldn't have stayed together this long in the first place.
  5. Realistically most of the concessions seem to be on his side as he knew he handled things poorly from the get go by procrastinating and then blowing up at me. This is something I'm going to bring up in counseling because he procrastinates frequently on important things and it never ends well. He's just not on top of things, procrastinates the more difficult things, and then it becomes a problem. He does this with clients too. Or he will say "it's no big deal" and discount that people want things done and not always on his time frame. At one point he had even told me we could just sign the prenup the day before the wedding, as if it was no big deal. I flat out let him know I wasn't having that. During our talk, I did tell him I could have come at him with a less pissed off tone when I told him this needs to get done within 4 weeks. He had just talked to the attorney right before I said this, but my intention was to make sure he (and his attorney) knew that I wanted it done and was not willing to wait until the last minute. However, my tone was irritable when I said this, and I did let him know I could have come at him in a better way. I also told him I should have just spoken to him and I did feel I was being childish by not talking to him, but I partly didn't want to talk to him also because I figured it would become another fight, and I absolutely did not have it in me to have another fight with him. But I do want to talk to the counselor about the procrastinating because I do feel it affects his life significantly, and he doesn't even realize how negatively it affects the people he interacts with or the outcomes. Either way... we are off to counseling in a bit.. It's the first get to know you session, so I doubt much will happen other than we'll see if the counselor is a good fit.. fingers crossed...
  6. Hey everyone, Thanks for the responses so far. I've gotten a lot of different viewpoints since the last responses which I'll try to address, but I also have an update. A few things I wanted to clear up: -Someone posted asking why I even want a prenup since I don't have any assets, and it was implied I only want a prenup because I don't really want to marry my fiance. I never said I don't have any assets, and in fact I actually have quite a bit of money and assets, and my desire for a prenup long predates me even meeting him. I have always felt I would never marry anyone without a prenup, as it's just a practical thing to do, and it has nothing to do with him whatsoever. -Someone mentioned that it was crappy of me to make him a list of things to do, like he's a child. It wasn't really like that. I was making a list for myself too so I could kind of get organized in my own head on what else needed to be done now and after all the RSVPs come back, and he asked me to make him a list too so he could see what needed to be done next and start working on his stuff. I gave him the list but his really only had three things on it: get fitted for a tux, finalize prenup discussions, etc.. as opposed to my list which is pretty much, the rest of the entire wedding .. Just wanted to make that clear. He was not upset remotely about the list and in fact was glad I had given it to him. The update is, we actually had a long and very productive conversation last night about everything. He told me he has no problem with the prenup whatsoever, and was ready to sign it, other than one item which I am fine with changing. He doesn't really care whether his parents want one or not .. we have always been in agreement that a prenup is a good and practical idea and that really wasn't the issue. As I suspected, he was just really irritated with me for bugging him to get it done and putting a time frame on it. I told him that he put me in a really crappy position by procrastinating on it and then then blowing up at me for following up on it. I told him it was really unfair of him to do that and then get mad at me for it. He agreed it wasn't unreasonable for me to try to get it moving along since we're only 60 days out, and we talked about some other instances where his procrastinating on things had led to bad results or people getting upset. He procrastinates sometimes with things for his business too, and it has negatively impacted his business and employees at times. We discussed the prenup details at length and will get clarification from my attorney on the one or two minor changes we need to make, and hopefully we can get it done within the next week or two. He also told me that he felt really bad that he didn't apologize after blowing up at me, and that he should have just apologized and given me a plan for concluding the prenup. I told him I felt like his ego or pride sometimes prevented him from just apologizing or acknowledging his role in our fights and that instead of acknowledging this role, he seemed determined to always place blame squarely on me. He said he appreciated that I'm pretty quick to tell him where I went wrong or apologize to him, but he knows that he doesn't reciprocate this and he wanted me to help him work on it. He told me this was something he "learned" from his dad and that he knows it needs to change. I told him that if he doesn't acknowledge his role in these arguments, nothing about our crappy communication will change; and if nothing will change, I really don't want to marry him, and we should just end this immediately for everyone's sake. He seemed to take this pretty seriously and told me that wants to work on fixing it. We also talked about the pot smoking and he said he didn't really have an issue with it, but he was concerned that I wouldn't stop. I asked him why he had concerns about me not stopping and asked him to give me examples of times where I had said something and hadn't been true to my word, or when I've been addicted to something and couldn't stop doing it. He thought about it and couldn't come up with any examples of anything, and he said that he knows I say what I mean and mean what I say. He said that he thinks once I find a job, he doesn't mind if I started smoking again or if we smoke together. I told him I have no intentions of doing that for a while anyways, since I want to focus on the job wedding and subsequent job search, but he can smoke if he wants to, I don't mind. He also kind of surprised me by saying he was actually a bit mad at me for smoking most of it since he wanted to smoke some too! Apparently after our fight, he even called his mom and told her about our fight and that we both smoke pot, and she told him it wasn't a big deal and he shouldn't have been so mean to me about it. Anyways, I asked him if he was open to counseling, and truly I was expecting him to balk about it, but he very quickly agreed and said he really wanted to work on things and wanted to be a good husband to me. He told me he loved me and for the last week, he was really scared that he had screwed up so badly that I may have actually stopped loving him. He said he saw how hurt I was and that it scared him and made him think the the might have pushed me too far this time, and that I might really end it and walk away for good. He told me he loved me so much and can't wait to marry me, and he's very excited for our wedding, and so is his entire family. So he was very open to counseling and I told him I would make the arrangements. I made an appointment for counseling and we are going tomorrow evening for our first session. I also called my parents and spoke to my dad today about the situation. He said he loves my fiance but he's still concerned that nothing will really change with our communication, and that we'll still fight like this. I told him I agreed and had concerns about this as well, but I felt that it was worth going to counseling to see if we could improve things, and we can and should continue after the wedding if need be. He said he knows my fiance loves me and he hopes we can improve how we resolve our conflicts. Sorry that was such a long update ... I can honestly say though, I do feel so much better and less depressed than I have felt all week.
  7. Thanks for the advice guys. I tried talking to him and it didn't go well at all. It just devolved into another huge fight. He kept harping on the pot smoking and I finally asked him what his point was. What was I not doing that I was supposed to be doing when I smoked pot? I was still doing all the things around the house I was supposed to do. He accused me of doing it every day during the day and I told him that the most times I ever did it was 2x in a week during the day, but I did smoke daily in the evening, which he knows. He called me a liar, but why would I lie about it? I DID smoke every day, but I like to make sure my stuff is handled before I did that. Hence why most nights I didn't even smoke until 9:30pm or even later, often only an hour or so before I went to bed. He was angry and said something along the lines of, why did I have to wait until the pot was all over.. He could have flushed it or something. He even insinuated that it was my fault he smoked the last of it with me, as if I forced him to or something, which is absolute garbage nonsense. I know it gives him hangovers and he is doing big projects and gets brain fog when he smokes. I never ever would have forced or pushed him to smoke if he had to work the next day. The only reason he even smoked with me last Sunday is because he knew he wouldn't be able to work the next day, since it would be raining outside. Anyways... I called him a hypocrite and basically told him he smoked too, and he still couldn't say why it even bothered him so much or what I was supposed to be doing instead. Did he want me on my hands and knees scrubbing the walls and floors?? He just kept bringing up all these pointless arguments to try to turn everything around on me. Any time he didn't have anything to say because he knew I'm right, he would just bring up something else completely pointless and off topic. I also told him it wasn't my fault that he went into this year with less money because he never worked all winter. He takes a break all winter every winter, but working corporate for 10+ years, I hardly ever get any time off. I told him I felt like he just couldn't handle me not working - was he jealous? I asked him (honestly sarcastically), What else can I POSSIBLY do for you that I don't already do? I don't give him crap when he goes for a beer or something. I don't give him crap when he was off all winter and didn't do any of the things he said he would do around the house. He had nothing to say, so then he turned it again and started asking me, "Why are you talking to me like that? Are you going to talk to me like that if we get married???" He was more interested in putting everything back on me rather than actually solving this. We were both raising voices and very frustrated by this point. I finally got so frustrated with him that I ended up crying my eyes out telling him I can't marry someone who refuses to even acknowledge what I've done for him, for us, because his ego is too big to handle that he depends on me, or too big to even thank me for anything I do. Someone who won't even apologize. He then told me he didn't apologize to me because he was waiting for things to cool down. For a week?? You wait a day or maybe two, but a week??? I highly doubt he had any intentions of apologizing. He didn't believe me when I told him that if he had just sincerely apologized, this would have been over before it even started. It got really bad and I ended up calling my parents crying my eyes out and told them I think we need to cancel. He was in the background screaming at me to tell them the truth (about the pot) which I didn't do, so then he later called me a liar. My point to him was, WHAT DOES IT MATTER? I still did everything I was supposed to do, HE is the only one making such an issue about the pot smoking because frankly he has no other arguments to make about me. My parents are upset but told me they wouldn't tell anyone yet and that I should calm down and really think about it, because once I pull the trigger, it's done. My mom also told me that she felt like he didn't want to do the prenup, and that's why he was acting like this. His parents (Chinese) had told him it's "bad luck" and asked why we were doing the prenup. I told my parents both that I don't care if he doesn't want one, I'm not going to marry without one, period end of story. We left it like I will try to calm down and really think about what I want to do because once we pull that trigger, we can't undo it. I don't see any way this can even go forward. We didn't even talk about counseling or anything because I think he'd just rather be right than actually solve this. I don't even give a damn any more who's right or wrong, I think we both are wrong in different ways, but I honestly think he has some type of psychological issue where he just needs to feel good about himself always, like he did his best but it's just my fault for being a damn pothead who sits around doing nothing all day. I told him that it seem like he just wants to be right and to "win" the argument, but nothing gets through. Then he just goes, "So you want to end it? So you want to just end it then???" ??? As if he wants to make it clear that it's my fault it's over, I'm the one who's ending it, and he's in the clear. I have basically been bawling my eyes out for the last few hours, so bad that it became a full on panic attack. I'm not sure where to go from here. I've been googling to try to figure this out - what kind of person does this during an argument? Sorry this was long and rambly. I'm going to go watch TV and try to relax and calm down. I'll try to post later or tomorrow if anything changes. Right now I'm 90% ready to just cancel the wedding and be done with this.
  8. Gee, thanks for calling me superficial. I've been going through a very rough time the last few months with severe depression, and the one thing I was actually looking forward to was my birthday. I'll be spending it at the unemployment office so I guess it's ruined anyways, right? I'm going to edit and add, perhaps before you write something to someone, even a stranger on the internet, you should seriously consider their emotional plight and situation. You never know, it could be someone really hanging onto their last thread, and unkind words can do more damage than you realize.
  9. Thank you so much for the advice so far, kind internet strangers. I know I am coming across some kind of way but I am going to be open minded to what you all are saying. I agree it's best to cancel asap if we cannot get this figured out. Truly, I'm not trying to be selfish and save face. I'm embarrassed for sure, but more just extremely distressed at what this would do to everyone, including my family who have been so kind to help me so much with this wedding. Even today, my father has emailed me repeatedly about his tux, I can tell he's so excited. It hurts so much to think I may hurt everyone else. I'm going to go offline now and try to ready myself to talk to him calmly. I'm already crying so this might be a challenge... He's home now and doesn't seem to be busy so I'll talk to him now and update you all later. If anyone else has anything to add, please do... I'll read it before I update. Thanks again.
  10. I actually had to take a deep breath at the thought of even talking to him. I'll put my big girl pants on and I'll talk to him tonight. I'm just afraid it will devolve into another fight. Tomorrow's my birthday and I also don't want it ruined. I don't think I can take any more of this.
  11. Honestly, I'm not really sure. I have people coming from all over the country - even Alaska - so I'm not even sure how much that would be. I probably could, but it might take years, considering I will also have lost over $15K already and I'm out of work until I can find a job (who knows how long that will take).
  12. Thank you for this. I know deep down that everyone will forgive me if I cancel. It just sucks to be the reason other people are in this predicament. Also - agree with everything else you said.
  13. That's extremely unfair of you to say. I am absolutely trying to consider them. Other than you disagreeing with my methods, I think my care and concern for my guests is pretty apparent in my posts.
  14. I understand what you are all saying about cancelling. I will reassess my position on this. I know it doesn't make sense to go through with a sham wedding. I just didn't want to ruin everyone's day or hurt everyone who has already put so much time, money and effort into this. It was never my intention to hurt anyone financially or in any other way.
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