ImaFool

There is another part of the story I omitted to make the plot line less convoluted and me look like less of an * * * * (too late). I didnt' think it would impact the overall facts so I didn't include it. The ex-fiancee found out I was getting married. She became upset and we didn't speak for a few months. She eventually called looking for an explanation. I explained that I had doubts about going through with my marriage to my current fiancee and that my relationship with the ex-fiancee was because I was still in love with her. She expressed her feelings about believing we were meant to be together. She wanted me to cancel the wedding and run off into the sunset with her. bring out the torches and pitchforks :splat:

Without a doubt. A definite example of what you don't know can hurt you. She has been the driving force behind the wedding plans. I wanted a long engagement but she blitzkrieged the arrangements. I'm not sure there is a such thing as the one. The woman I'm going to be married to in one month has more of the traits I'm looking for than any other woman I've met. She's just missing a few critical components. Barbiegirl is a good description. I like that. After I'm married I wouldn't continue to see her. She certainly wouldn't continue to see me. I'm also not one to seek out casual relationships. No offense taken. I'm afraid you're right. They offered some very good advice, much of which has been repeated here. They suggested I call off the wedding to give myself time to sort things out. That isn't really an option. If I call things off at this point my bride-to-be will not be around to make a second go at it.

That's absolutely true and it's the most unfair part of this. She's guilty of nothing more than loving me and has done nothing wrong. I don't know that I would continue to have an affair. I seriously doubt that I would. I'm not married yet. Thanks for the advice.

You've summed it up quite succinctly. Yes, and that's also the way I'm leaning. However, the "having a good sex partner" motivation can be incredibly powerful. Yes, a very important consideration and something I value about my current fiancee. As much as I like the idea, I feel like the last 4 years have been "one last fling". If I decide to marry my current fiancee I think I should start respecting her as soon as I make the decision since I haven't respected her thus far. Thanks for the good advice.

Thanks for the advice. I've actually considered that very same sentiment. I had hoped that, given time, the passion would emerge. But I also know that marriage doesn't create anything that didn't already exist. Except maybe a legal document.

"if you have a shred of doubt, do not marry the person" Thanks KellBell. I agree with Kermit, that was a very sensible post. It echoes my parents opinion closely but it takes on more significance to see a disinterested party say it. I certainly don't think going through with my marriage would make me unhappy. I would have to resign myself to a sexless marriage. Priests do it all the time right? Maybe it won't be a problem.

"do you love her?" Yes, but certainly in a different way than I love my ex-fiancee. It feels more like I'm marrying a friend. "what else do you two have in your relationship?" We have a lot in common. She gets my jokes and cultural references. Because things are not great in the bedroom we usually go out a lot. Events, concerts, bars, plays... "why don't you two have any sparks in your private time?" She's not physically what I've looked for in a partner. Also, she approaches sex from an uncomfortable angle. Every time I have sex with my ex-fiancee it's like we're having sex for the first time. Even when we were together all the time it was like that. With "bride-to-be", even the first time, it seemed like we were just doing another household task like folding laundry. I'm not particular interested in spicing it up either. She's not receptive to new things and if I were to suggest something new, her response would probably be: "Well, I guess we could try that..." I find her approach to sex to be very... emasculating. Almost like she's one step away from whipping out some intimidating strap-on device after which I would huddle in the corner of the shower rocking and weeping. The ex-fiancee was always excited about anything new. I was truly the man in the bedroom and nothing was off limits. We even went to some of those private clubs, you know the ones. The ex is innocent looking but up for the craziest stuff... and that is truly appealing.

Holy crap Kermit. I feel like I just got smacked in the face by the ghost of Christmas future. Seriously though, thank you. I only saw her on and off because I was living with my "bride-to-be". She moves around quite a bit for her job. I was able to schedule business trips for weeks at time to see her. If I knew she would be in a particular city for a period of time I would rent an apartment there until her job took her elsewhere. The time we spent together was no more than a week at a time every month. We had a lot of fun, went out a lot... stayed in a lot. I was truly happy for those short periods of time. Thanks for your advice. It definitely gave me pause. My bride-to-be seems to be the choice I'd make if I were thinking purely with rational thought. My ex-fiancee is the choice I would make if I were thinking purely emotionally and with part of my body that should never be allowed to make decisions.

Thanks for reading. I'm looking for unbiased advice. This has already been run by my parents who offered good but inconclusive advice. It only seems natural that I should share it with complete strangers now. Feel free to chastise, insult and give me your honest opinion of what a cad I am. If you could throw in a few constructive items that would help too. I'm getting married in 1 month. The invitations are out, the venue is booked and my Fiancee's parents have laid out 50k+ on all the arrangements. 325 People are expecting a wedding. Talk about pressure. My ex-fiancee and I broke up 5 years ago and I never stopped loving her. I'll try to keep descriptions of her as tame as possible (not sure what the decency rules on this board are), but she has an incredible physique and is a crazy woman during our private time. Or in some cases the not-so-private times. Ah, the memories... and the stories... Anyway, she's a beautiful blond bombshell with a good career as an attorney and we have definite chemistry. On the other hand she is not very well liked by my family and friends. In fact, because of her stand-offish attitude she is often not liked by anyone. She also isn't very good with money and balks at prolonged physical exertion (hiking, traveling, anything athletic). Her family hates me and I don't think much of them either. We don't talk much, she mostly just listens to what I say and gazes at me with her big blue eyes, nodding occasionally. She has very little personality. But she can be very sweet and did I mention she looks amazing in a bathing suit? If you haven't guessed yet, the Ex-fiancee is back in the picture. She's realized she made a huge mistake leaving 5 years ago and now wants to elope and spend the rest of our lives together. It's what I always wanted but seeing as I'm getting married in 30 days to another woman, the timing could have been a bit better. My bride-to-be is a great woman in her own way. She is good with money and has a very stable financial future. She makes 3 times my salary and I do quite well by myself. She is smart, conversational, engaging and shares my same political/social views. She will be a wonderful mother some day. Although she's an attractive woman, she doesn't even approach my ex-fiancee. We have no chemistry and our "special private time" is non-existent. I spend many nights coming up with excuses not to be intimate. In the 4 years I've been dating my bride-to-be, I've spent time on and off with my ex-fiancee. That makes me a terrible person, I know. I believe that the ex-fiancee's renewed expressions of love are heartfelt. Should I stay the course and let the powerful current of my life take me into a passionless marriage? Should I shirk my responsibilities and go back to the woman I never stopped loving and have freaky "special private time"? Or should I look to door number 3; the empty unknown of bachelorhood in my 30s. Thanks.