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Jian

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  1. Thank you Lost What you’ve said is so true. We’ve had a few discussion these past few days. And she has started realizing what was really going on. I believe that on my side having made peace with the fact that divorce was a high possibility for me to fix my unhappiness was an important change of mindset. I think it gave me back the power that some of you have referenced to. I’m no longer accepting her behaviour. Although I’ve never been aggressive or angry about it, I’ve accepted that condition with a peace of mind that things can work out even in the case of a divorce. That being said this changed her drastically these past few days. Note that I’ve never used divorce as a threat but as my solution. On her side she started to open up and discussed why I was unhappy with her. She has started to accept that her behaviour is part the reason and take a part of the blame. She now realize that she does not want divorce and want to fix things. She has agreed to see a therapist about her anger problem, she already has an appointment next week. That made me feel really good that she finally realized what she has become. And that gave me hope. I’ve told her that I will also give it another shot in the hope that she changes. I’ve also stop talking to the other women at work. I dint feel comfortable doing so in my current situation. Thank you for your support I’ll keep you posted.
  2. We had the discussion and it was really painful. She felt that I was cold with her these past few days and indeed I was troubled with all the implications of divorce going through my mind. While we was still worrying about our latest investment. Constantly thinking and taking about it. That made me sad that her investment problem were more important than what we are going through. Not sure about the status of things now but I think divorce is the best for both but now she believes that we should not and that things will get better after this rough pass. She was putting the blame on me for no longer wanting to try.ive been feeling like the one who did try the most throughout our entire relationship while she’s been the bringing up divorce and complaining about how bad I am. Lost, your last post made me smile. I’m in very good shape I train an hour every morning (while she refuses to do any sports or activities...too tired) and the I get up the kids and give them breakfast while missy get her make up ready, we then go our separate way to daycare and school and then work. In the evening I pick up the kids while she prepared dinner. I’m the one who take care of the homework and communicate with teacher. I bring the kids to their weekend activity. Compare to many of my friends and family men, I know that I do more than the average guy. I know we had a good thing going but these last month with all the complaints, yelling, pressure and bad sex, I’ve just became feed up. But now I feel like the bad guy because I’m the one who’s shattering the family, she doesn’t want to take any of the blame. She says that she still love me and things will get better. But I fear I’m lying to myself thinking that it could get back to how things were. The thought of the greener grass is also still very present..,
  3. Thanks a lot Lost What you have said hurt but is true. I know I don’t love her and I believe she had stop loving me for a long time ago. We are back to normal these days, routine conversation no yelling (almost) but not much love either. The house selling preparation is keeping us busy. Although even though we had the divorce conversation the last time I feel that she doesn’t believe that it could actually be a possibility. Her mind is also very occupied with another house investment we recently done. We moved way too fast with that one, and I was stupid enough to agree to it, in fear of retaliation i believe now. Anyway it’s not bothering me at all ( divorce is) and she’s making an effort to not talk about it too much but I can feel she’s miserable and under pressure. Because of that I retain any conversation about us or our future together. I don’t want her to get into a depression. On my side the more I think about all this the more I just want to get out. She initiated sex Recently but like pretty much every time I feel that she is not enjoying it, and neither I’m I. I’ll just wait until that stupid transaction is done and go from there. Thanks again for your support!
  4. Thank you for your input. I agree with your statement. I always wish the best for my kids, but I’ve been doing it for too long at the cost of my own happiness. (I believe) My parents divorced when I was 5, my mother meet a man and has been with him to this day. My father being very absent, I was lucky to have a loving and caring step father who I consider my father more than my real father. There’s a lot of conflicting issues inside of me. I feel like I don’t want to hurt anybody, especially not my wife or kids and divorce would mean that but at the same time I fear of staying miserable for a long time. During our conversation yesterday I’ve told her that we should use our house selling experience has a gauge to test us, but she got mad at me for thinking that I’m still having doubt about us. It’s seem that all these times when she used the divorce threat it’s was only used to keep me in check and control me. I feel I was manipulated, and that now that it’s now me who’s suggesting divorce I’m the bad one who doesn’t want to work things out.
  5. We had the conversation yesterday it didnÂ’t happen the way I expected, but I initiated the possibility of divorce. I shared my view on the current situation and like some of you have said we are more of a business arrangement than a couple. I was actually surprised that she didnÂ’t flip out and even said that she didnÂ’t want to divorce. Even though she used that threat many times throughout our relationship. We both agreed that the love is no longer present. We agreed to keep going forward with the house selling cause we believe that the location is a part of what went wrong. We got very isolated from our friends and family. We got very social secluded and thatÂ’s never good. Although we are unsure of moving together or separate. We are really unsure about our future, we fear that we are too broken to keep going. At the moment I feel that I might want to try again but I fear that a few years after the move our problems will resurface again and we divorce anyway. And there still the thought of the possibility of finding someone else better that I find compelling and keeps the thought of going forward with the divorce. That women at work, we have been eying each other a few times already and the only reason why I never talked to her yet is my ring at my finger, which I believe she saw already. I hate the situation, I fear of doing or taking the wrong decision. I donÂ’t know what to do except going with the flow and expect the unexpected. ItÂ’s scary...
  6. You clearly have not read my initial post. Thanks for the feedback anyway.
  7. I’m sorry Wiseman but I don’t agree with you. I don’t care about who’s wrong or right. She is blaming me for our finances not beings up to what she’s would like. We do not want the same thing or have the same expectations in life about what is a good financial situation. I’m Now scared of her reaction, she has a very bad temper, if I’m The one who brings up the divorce discussion. Ego has no play here sorry but I’m not that type of person.
  8. It’s true that I have not yet talked to a divorce attorney. Although before posting the original message I’ve looked at the divorce process in my country/province. We have decided during the weekend to sell our main house. The location has been a long time source of our disputes. (I was the one who suggested this area cause we had friends living nearby, turned out that it’s not a place where housing prices increase much, so she has been often resentful of that decision. Blaming me obliviously.) I have always keep my ground on not selling but now I just don’t care really. Things are quite tense thought and I feel that each time we start discussing the sell and a new potential area, she starts getting mad at me for pointing out flaws in her plan, she’s basically aiming for something we cannot afford. I feel she gets mad cause she knows it’s true. (Of maybe I just don’t have guts like she say). I feel like I secretly wish things escalate. At least we have the house selling process that we agreed on. I fear that she will be super piss if I mention the divorce and will definitely not be easy to deal with. I’m sad for my kids, sad for everything we have build, sad for my parents and hers...
  9. Thank you very much for the all advices. The last argument was a week ago. Since then, we are somewhat back into a normal/good routine. I’m not confortable at the moment to bring up the subject of divorce.There still some intimacy, less I would say cause I’m less interested, but it’s not like things are at worst at the moment. Even though I know our problems are still shadowing us... I feel it would be unfair to suddenly say hey maybe we should divorce now! I feel like I have to wait for our next fight. That’s stupid rights? As for the stock market, I will say thank you amazon... :)
  10. Hello everyone A quick introduction, ive known this board about 15 y ago. Talking with people here really helped me going over a breakup and also receiving advice on dating later on. Fast-forward to now. Married since 12y, 2 kids, soon to be 3 propertie (1 home + w rentals). Im now in a very confused moments. Im not sure whats my expectation from posting this, maybe helping me clarify my thoughts, having a second opinion could be helpful, or simply just venting out my frustrations. Like all couples we have ups and downs. I would say throughout out our relationship we had 8 or 10 big fights where she reached a point where she said she can no longer deal with me and want a divorce. In all instances though, after a day or 2 everything was back to normal, sort of. We also had marriage counseling for about 6 month, 3 years ago. I liked it, it really opened my eyes on some of our issues and offered interesting options on how to fix those. My wife thought it was a waste of money, stupid and unhelpful. I also liked it cause i could talk with no fear of her getting angry at me for something i say. About me, i know I have an attention problem, and I easily forget stuff. Although i use a calendar to remember important dates, at work I take a ton of notes. In my day to day life its not perfect and i forget snippet of conversations. I had the same problem at school, after a few min, my mind would wonder away and will stop listening to the teacher. That being said it happens with her during our conversations, way more often these par few years. Obliviously, the more the conversation is uninteresting to me, the bigger or quicker this effect kicks in. On her side she as a very angry temper, has some serious anger issue management, mostly with me (and her parents). This create quite a clash with my attention problem. There are things that I'm not very interested to know or talk about, or stuff that I'm tired of hearing about. She has a very big interest, about money and property investment. Its basically her hobby, she talks about it when she wakes up, before going to bed, on her way to work... I know she wants to improve our family situation and set us up for retirement but there's this huge comparing factor where she always tell about how her friends bought this or invested in that and she gets frustrated when she cannot achieve want they did. This investment part of our lives is very stress-full and i hate it. I have hard time following her conversations (technical, taxes, laws...) and when ever i ask about something i didn’t understand she gets mad at me., like really mad. Telling me how stupid I am. She works in accounting, shes knows about this stuff way more than me. The other aspect about her investment approach that Im not liking is who do you think has to deal with the tenants and repairs and problems, me obliviously. Its a lot of pressure and stress but whenever i complain or want to show my dissatisfaction, im being told that i dont want to improve our situation, that we have to work hard to get a better life and that I'm just lazy... A side note, when she gets angry she sometimes reaches a point where she want to break stuff, she did throw her cellphone at me once, broke a book of mine, scratched a laptop screen, a plastic step stand. I'm actually very scared of her reaction sometimes. Its on extremely rare occasions but still. My financial, I win 75k a year (not enough in her opinion), she is at 60k. We have no debt except our mortgages, i have been very interested in the stock market these last 5 y. I started with 20k and im now managing our porfolio of 100k. I really like it , it dosent take me more that 30 min a day and dont have to stress (well not too often) about it. But this is not worthy in her eyes cause her friends are doing way more with their properties. About her anger management, there is something that the psychiatrist told us in one meeting where he said that we are responsible for our actions and reactions toward others. When we get angry because someone else did or said something its up to us to control and create a response. I liked his analogy of the wife beater who answer that he's beating his wife cause shes making him angry. She often get angry at me and whenever i ask her to calm down (using a lower soothing voice has better effect than welling louder, another trick) she shout back that shes getting mad cause of me. Im so feed up of this aspect of our communication, its so frustrating. I simply shut down in those cases and just listen to her complaining, and hope that she calm down. We had another of those big fight last week. She, like other times, brought up the subject of divorce at some point and even said we should be looking for a partner who share the same interest at improving their situation and a divorce would be for the best for both of us. But something was different in me this time. Other times when divorce was brought up I was panicking thinking about the kids, the process, money, families. I also thought that if it ever happens that i will never get into another relationship simply because i don’t want to deal with this sorts of communication problems anymore. But not that last time. What was different this time? I know that just based on other posts Ive read that this is a recurrent pattern and that people will just roll their eyes when I say it... But so be it. I’ve started to notice a women at work. I don’t know her, never talked with her but find myself very attracted to her like I’ve never felt since I've meet my wife. These days, I’m often wondering if she’s single, what kind of person is she, does she have kids, and so on. I’ve not initiated any contact with her cause there’s a part in me that tells me it would be wrong if me to do it. As long as I’m in my current relationship I won’t be making any moves. But she’s had been in my mind these past few days, imagining life would be better if i was with her instead. This is all a crazy fantasy but when ever I think about it it makes me feel good and give me hope, this is hard to stop. I definitely do not want to cheat on my wife but at the same time I feel like im stuck in a relation that I don't see improving over time. There’s been good sides in this relationship, her family is nice to me, we both share the same view on how to raise our kids and both are good at money and savings. But since the last 3 weeks, it’s like I don’t care much about the out come of this relationship. Since the beginning, I’ve always been the one who was totally against divorce and had to adapt to her personality to make this marriage work out... I feel. But now there’s this mindset of acceptance of the possibility of me wanting to be with someone else, being with someone who I could communicate with and have fun conversations. This is starting to feel way more appealing than my current relationship. This whole situation is not pleasant and awkward, i feel this lump in my stomach constantly, i actually lost 4 pounds within the last 3 weeks... Anyway thanks for reading through all of this wall of text. I appreciated any feedback or options.
  11. Hello all I often go to the gym, however there are not many girls at the one I go, however a new girl just came maybe 2 weeks ago. I found her quite cute, so the last time I saw her, I tried to make eye contact. Surprisingly, she was looking at me, but I guess I didn’t expect it and didn’t hold the look. Second time same thing. However, third time, again I make eye contact as she was on the bench next to me and I smile and say hello, she reply with a small smile and short hello. She then looks away. I felt a bit uncomfortable as I would have expected a bit more warm reply. Later I cross her again, make eye contact and smile; she was again looking at me but didn’t really smile. I was on my way out so no luck. I was wondering, do you people think she’s shy or not interested, but if she’s not interested why she was always making eye contact with me...just to be nice? However next time ill try to initiate small talk with her, ill she how she will react. So I already have my plan but I was wondering if you people think its a lost cause. Thank for your input.
  12. I see, I guess Ill ask for phone number then. Its just that when I meet a women in a public place, I dont stick around for 30min to speak with her. Maybe 2 min is exaggerating, lets say maybe 10 min is usually what I do. Just a few nice and quick questions to test if shes interested to talk to me, then I introduce myself and ask for her name and I ask if she has an email, after getting it I say thank you but I have to go, which is usually true. It usually work great, but I dont get much reply. You really think she will be more receptive if I ask for a phone number?
  13. Hello What you people think of this. When you introduce yourself to someone new and you feel you want contact them to ask them out. Do you think it is better to ask for email or phone number? So far I only asked for email, and it worked all the time, however they do not all reply unfortunately. But do you think I should change strategy and ask directly for a phone number instead? i Mean the girls I usually ask dosent even know me except a 2 to 5 min talk. Im guessing that the chance of getting an email are much better than phone number. Any opinions? Thanks!
  14. Thank you for the reply. Well im still confuse and not sure how should I process. I usually do a chat after 3 or 4 mails then at the end I ask for phone conversation but so far it never worked. These girls usually initiate chat again later, which means they are interested in a way. The last girl I had chance to chat maybe 4 times during 3 weeks, (1 long chat of 30 min and all other maybe 10 min.) At the end of the third week. My last chat message was -call me this Sunday, It a bit annoying to always chat and you take too long to reply (which was true as she was doing something else at the same time), if not well wish you good luck finding the right guy... This was my 3rd phone request. She never called, well I was indeed getting tired of chatting and well 3 weeks, that enough in my opinion. I'm currently communicating with a girl, 3 emails and 1 chat and its been awesome so far. In the 3rd email I asked to talk on the phone, and I also asked for a maybe a phone conversation soon at the end of the chat. She said she would prefer to stick with computer for a while first. So I guess ill let her demand a phone conversation or else ill never get one with her either.
  15. First im not a professional trainer... Well it depend of whats your goal. If its just to keep in good shape, good cardio and health then its fine. However if you want to get some muscles or loose weight then its not going to work. First, each time you go train you should focus on an area of your body, like day 1: Chest-Triceps-Legs, Day 2: Back-Bicep-Shoulders and so on... A professional trainer should be able to make a good training program or you can find some on Internet too or even buy books about it. Each time you work out, you should do all the exercise of the body area and then move on another one. Going from a machine to another random one is pointless. You should also change your training program each 4 to 6 weeks. Also a training should not be much longer than 1Hour to 1H30 with cardio. Well as I said im not an expert and im still gathering knowledge about this. I would be interested to read others people opinion about the subject.
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